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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
CrowUpNorth · 01/04/2022 13:11

Does he not need a key for his car? What an unpleasant twit.

drhf · 01/04/2022 13:12

OP, three things:
First, you sound like a wonderful person and a devoted mum. I hope the future has much better things in store for you after you get away from this abusive, controlling man.
Second, might it be worth humouring this man's demands temporarily while you focus on what matters - getting yourself and your daughter somewhere safe? Of course his demands are both absurd and alarming. The question is what is in your best interests right now.
Third - and hopefully you're aware of this already - in most circumstances HMRC considers that when one spouse already owns a house, if the other spouse purchases a house in their name, that spouse should pay the 3% second house stamp duty premium on top of the standard stamp duty, even if each spouse is named on only one set of deeds. Speak to your lawyer (without your husband present) about your options.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:13

@NdefH81

So why did he put the property entirely in your name???!!

It makes no sense

Lots of things he does dont make sense. I guess I can only be glad that it has worked in my favour and given me a chance to leave this shit. Anything else I can figure out as I go along. I have the monthy mortgage repayment figure and I can make them and have enough for everything else without any support from him through my own wages (not a brag, I will not be rich by any account but I've budgeted and will be able to cover everything I need)
OP posts:
MorningSicknessIsHell · 01/04/2022 13:15

Oh gosh, I should've RTFT. I'm so sorry OP. Forget the pin pad... I hope you escape from your abusive marriage soon.

ItoldyouIwastrouble · 01/04/2022 13:17

He's not bought the house for the ow has he?
Glad you have seen the real him OP. good luck with the separation and moving on. Glad you are able to bide your time with humour. What a wanker!

EatTheToast · 01/04/2022 13:19

Oh OP you've been dealing with this shit for years Flowers make this thread the first day of the rest of yours and your children's life.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:20

I think the idea of this post was that I put up with this shit because I get to not work and have lots of fancy things bought for me and live a luxury life... therefore being a trade off for the shita and essentially deserving it. The reality is I work full time and always have, get nothing from him but shit, and have nothing. The reality is is that I had no idea, I'd convinced myself he was wonderful genuinely didnt see it was wrong.

OP posts:
Lougle · 01/04/2022 13:20

This is all so sad. Does your 12 year old know?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:22

@RandomMess

Is it a buy to let mortgage?

Just there will be issues if you live in it if it is.

I would still do it though, just be aware you will need to apply for a residential mortgage. Or I guess sell and buy something else.

Yes I know there will be issues and it wont be so straight forward and may end up costing me a bit, but worth it to get out and worry about the rest later. Thats my plan anyway.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/04/2022 13:22

I wonder if he's bought it to be his new shag pad knowing his family will cover for him?

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 01/04/2022 13:22

I an so proud of you @Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

You sound so strong.
He is an abysmal human being. I was with mine for 20 years too. Better late than never got both of us.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2022 13:22

@GiantHaystacks2021

Tell him to fuck off for himself. Dickhead. Also - show him this thread.
No!!

Absolutely not!

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:24

@isthismylifenow

Do you think there is any chance that he may have tenants set up for the new property already OP?
No, not as far as i am aware. Possibly the OW. I dont care. I've asked them to get in touch only with me so he doesnt know what's going on now. So I dont think he can have anyone lined up as he doesnt know when it will complete now
OP posts:
Parky04 · 01/04/2022 13:24

You don't have to put up with this shit! He sounds unhinged or he is a controlling wanker. I would tell him to sling his hook.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2022 13:26

@Parky04

You don't have to put up with this shit! He sounds unhinged or he is a controlling wanker. I would tell him to sling his hook.
Read the thread...
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:27

@drhf

OP, three things: First, you sound like a wonderful person and a devoted mum. I hope the future has much better things in store for you after you get away from this abusive, controlling man. Second, might it be worth humouring this man's demands temporarily while you focus on what matters - getting yourself and your daughter somewhere safe? Of course his demands are both absurd and alarming. The question is what is in your best interests right now. Third - and hopefully you're aware of this already - in most circumstances HMRC considers that when one spouse already owns a house, if the other spouse purchases a house in their name, that spouse should pay the 3% second house stamp duty premium on top of the standard stamp duty, even if each spouse is named on only one set of deeds. Speak to your lawyer (without your husband present) about your options.
Thank you. I'm seeing for the first time that I'm not as bad as I thought I was!!! Yeah I'm acting like there is nothing wrong so he doesnt get suspicious and do anything to scupper my plans. Yes will speak to someone about finances and get that all sorted, thanks
OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 01/04/2022 13:29

When you move out, could you lock him in the old house without a key.

Inertia · 01/04/2022 13:30

Glad to hear you’re making plans to leave.

Agree with PPs in that you need to speak to solicitors/ mortgage company about getting everything straightened out before you live in the house.

The other thought that strikes me is that if he attempted to fraudulently take out a mortgage in your name, how else has he defrauded you?

1forAll74 · 01/04/2022 13:32

He doesn't want to be the key person in your life any more.. so enough said !

MotherofTerriers · 01/04/2022 13:32

Please see a solicitor to get some advice on how best to proceed when you leave him, for example it may be hard for you to go back to the house to collect any paperwork you may need, so having a checklist to take with you might be helpful

321user123 · 01/04/2022 13:32

Get a key safe (NOT the ones you see everywhere in screwfix,B&Q for £20 because they are easy to open without the code!).
There’s one that is police accredited and is very good, Supra C500. Expensive but worth it.

Otherwise get a smart lock which works via Bluetooth.

In both scenarios they don’t involve you.

Chloemol · 01/04/2022 13:33

I’m not even allowed to wear jogging pants when he is in the house, else I run the risk of him being unattracted to me and therefore off to seek someone else with nicer attire

I would wear jogging pants 24/7 and off he pops

Cocomarine · 01/04/2022 13:34

I’m glad you’re nearly out of this.
Warning on the mortgage though… he set that all up, yes? You just had to sign? If the intention was to let it out, has he (you) applied for a BTL? If so, that’s a fraudulent application if you choose to live in it.
So once you’re in, I’d get straight onto the lender about an unexpected relationship breakdown and to change the mortgage basis.
Keep in mind that the BTL rate may be lower, so if you’ve based being able to afford the repayments on that, you may need to look carefully at this.

ClaudiusTheGod · 01/04/2022 13:38

Please divorce him and be as hard as nails over the divorce settlement. You’ve earned it.

newbiename · 01/04/2022 13:39

@ClemDanFango

I think you should get a key safe. But don’t put a key in it just a not folded up very small which states “You are a cunt.”
Brilliant