Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 12:56

Or he’s really really thick

isthismylifenow · 01/04/2022 12:57

Sorry OP. I want to say his treatment of you is part of the script though. I had the same (but not to this degree) when my ex was having an affair. I think its so they can justify things in their head, as we are so useless etc etc.

Along with your wish list from Next for your new home, I hope you have also ordered some new joggers.

I do also get why you are going with humour rather than anger. But, in time you will be able to process things properly. In your own space without him in your face. Or knocking at the door.

(and isn't that OW so very welcome to him............)

Wellwhichisit · 01/04/2022 12:58

My heart sank when I started reading your posts OP. Just a horrible sense of inevitability that what starts off as what an OP thinks is a joke turns out to be only a fraction of the unacceptable behaviour that yet another woman has been putting up with from yet another man.

I almost clicked away as I didn't want to read the long list of reasons as to why he isn't that bad or why you couldn't leave. I'm glad I stayed to read the rest of your posts and I'm glad you're building strength and strategy to leave.

Well done for working it through. He's a spoilt, entitled child in a man's body and it's not in the least bit funny. You deserve more. Wishing you strength to make the break soon.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:58

@Weenurse

So is his assumption that you are moving house together, or that he is moving out? Have you discussed you moving out? Will you be safe or do you need a plan? Is he likely to get violent? Please think about how to move safely
He thinks we are buying it to rent out. I know very little about all this side of things as he doesnt tell me anything and actively keeps me in the dark so I cant know. I will seek advice soon. He knows nothing of my plan, he thinks I'm happy to continue being his meek little wife for the rest of my pathetic days.
OP posts:
NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 13:00

You will have had to have paid stamp duty as won’t be your primary residence
So there was no benefit to him for you being the sole owner

It just doesn’t make sense. Him putting a property entirely in your name

Crikeyalmighty · 01/04/2022 13:00

That’s the thing about affairs be they full on or emotional- you may stay put the putting them on a pedestal totally vanishes- in my opinion the relationship can often become more transactional and you notice irritations a lot more

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 13:01

And if he’s set up a buy to let mortgage

Your mortgage payments are going to be very substantial than if it was your home

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:01

@SafeMove

I wasn't 'allowed' sugar in my morning coffee (he banned sugar from the house). I will relish having a sugar in my morning coffee every day for the rest of my life even if my teeth rot as a massive fuck you. Enjoy the fuck yous! Also wait until you get into a normal, lovely, healthy relationship (if you ever bother again). It is a revelation!
Enjoy your sugar!! There are so many things that I'm "banned" from im not even sure what I like or want for myself as I just do as he decrees to keep the peace. If that makes sense. It's hard for me to see that there may be normal people out there and I think I've built such a castle to protect myself I'm not sure anyone normal may want me, I'm too messed up!!!
OP posts:
Thissucksmonkeynuts · 01/04/2022 13:01

My h decided this too. With hindsight it was a loss of executive function cloaked in extreme dickheadery that preceeded his diagnosis with a serious neurological illness.

FawnDrenched · 01/04/2022 13:02

I am really sorry that you are in such an abusive relationship. Please don't call yourself stupid or anything else for that matter. He is totally at fault and you will be surprised what a great person you are as soon as you leave.

When he comes back later can you also declare that you are no longer taking a key when you leave the house.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:02

@NdefH81

Still doesn’t make sense

You would have still had to have paid stamp duty irrespective of this being your first house purchase because it wasn’t going to be your primary residence?

What was the purpose of the purchase? To rent out or to move in to

Yes we will pay stamp duty. Purpose was to rent out.
OP posts:
vitahelp · 01/04/2022 13:03

Wow, I didn't know people like this existed in real life. I'm glad the fog is lifting OP and you are seeing clearly now.

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 13:03

So why did he put the property entirely in your name???!!

It makes no sense

Fairislefandango · 01/04/2022 13:04

There are so many things that I'm "banned" from im not even sure what I like or want for myself as I just do as he decrees to keep the peace.

SadSad God this is so sad, OP. Wishing you the strength to leave really soon.

DameHelena · 01/04/2022 13:04

@spacehardware

Sounds like another self declared 'alpha' with a coke habit

Has he been watching downton Abbey and fancies having a footman?

Why have you put up with this cunt to date? You don't work? Neptune kitchen and David Lloyd membership right?

What's with the snark about working/not working? What's a Neptune kitchen? What's a David Lloyd membership got to do with anything?
NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 13:04

And when you move in to it op

You will be on a buy to let mortgage. Very substantially more than if your home

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:06

@NdefH81

He trusts you and really can’t be that controlling if he’s just put a property entirely in your name
He trusts that he has me so well controlled I'll do whatever the hell he wants and it wont have even crossed his mind that I'd move out into it. He wouldn't have even told me unless he had to, and that would only have been to serve his purpose. And he would likely have lied to me so I didnt find out. He has taken out loans in my name in the past that I haven't known about until I've accidentally found the proof.
OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:07

@isthismylifenow

Sorry OP. I want to say his treatment of you is part of the script though. I had the same (but not to this degree) when my ex was having an affair. I think its so they can justify things in their head, as we are so useless etc etc.

Along with your wish list from Next for your new home, I hope you have also ordered some new joggers.

I do also get why you are going with humour rather than anger. But, in time you will be able to process things properly. In your own space without him in your face. Or knocking at the door.

(and isn't that OW so very welcome to him............)

I hope they are as happy together as the deserve to be....
OP posts:
MorningSicknessIsHell · 01/04/2022 13:07

Pin pad.
Life saver!

Neither of us worry about keys now :)

RandomMess · 01/04/2022 13:09

Is it a buy to let mortgage?

Just there will be issues if you live in it if it is.

I would still do it though, just be aware you will need to apply for a residential mortgage. Or I guess sell and buy something else.

tara66 · 01/04/2022 13:09

Please be careful OP - He sounds alarming and completely illogical/demented. You are his punch bag. Doesn't he know one can get those fake stones/rocks that are actually boxes to put keys in?

BruceAndNosh · 01/04/2022 13:11

God.
This would be funny if it weren't so fucking tragic

SkaterGrrrrl · 01/04/2022 13:11

LTB

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 13:11

@Wellwhichisit

My heart sank when I started reading your posts OP. Just a horrible sense of inevitability that what starts off as what an OP thinks is a joke turns out to be only a fraction of the unacceptable behaviour that yet another woman has been putting up with from yet another man.

I almost clicked away as I didn't want to read the long list of reasons as to why he isn't that bad or why you couldn't leave. I'm glad I stayed to read the rest of your posts and I'm glad you're building strength and strategy to leave.

Well done for working it through. He's a spoilt, entitled child in a man's body and it's not in the least bit funny. You deserve more. Wishing you strength to make the break soon.

I fully accept that he is every bit as bad as I think, and probably worse. I can leave and I will leave.
OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 01/04/2022 13:11

Do you think there is any chance that he may have tenants set up for the new property already OP?