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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
humblesims · 01/04/2022 12:42

Well I hope when you leave for your new life you change all the locks in the old place while he's out and then drop all the keys down the drain. What a knob. Good luck with it all. Flowers

prettyteapotsplease · 01/04/2022 12:44

He should be informed that you're too important to let him in.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:44

@BrightonBunny

OP, as you are married, this house you are buying will be a marital asset if/when you split.

Have you taken legal advice?

As he is abusive, I would be inclined to leave without telling him, he deserves a Dear John, You Fucker Letter. Abusive men can become violent when they realise they are losing their emotional/physical punchbag. Flowers

I know it will be split. I'm very lucky in the finances are not a real factor in this. I can manage on my own wage if he gets shitty. I will get legal advice though. I just want to leave this house (we own this too) as he has no respect for my boundaries and when he left previously (only for a short time to see if he wanted to make a go of things with his OW- I didnt know at the time, or until very recently!!) He turned up as and when he pleased, mostly to get his tea. I've got some things going on that I'll def regret for life, but all I can do is do better! And i also live next door to his mum on one side and brother in the other...
OP posts:
Giggorata · 01/04/2022 12:45

So glad that the scales are falling from your eyes! Also that you are dealing with the fuckwittery via humour, as it is so deflating for pompous arseholes.
Good luck in your journey to freedom and self determination. 💐

babyjellyfish · 01/04/2022 12:45

OP, don't give this nonsense any head space.

Come and go as you please, live your life, and if your husband gets locked out because he can't be arsed to carry a key with him, that will be his problem.

I wouldn't be rushing to answer the door when you are at home either. If you are in the shower or the loo or doing something else when he rings the doorbell, he will just have to wait.

LeavesOnTrees · 01/04/2022 12:45

Congratulations for realising the truth about your DH and getting yourself set up with a new house.
Is it likely he could get nasty during a divorce ? If so get yourself prepared with a solicitor and get all legal and financial documents stored away somewhere safe.
Good luck - you are definitely worth more than this.
Meanwhile get comfy in your jogging bottoms.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:47

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

OP I'm so glad to hear you have a plan and freedom is in sight.

Please keep posting. When he realises you're gone he will try many tactics to draw you back. Weaponising the children. Swearing the scales have fallen from his eyes and he's realised that he's a shit. He's going to kill himself if you don't come back. You're crazy, everyone knows it, and he'll take the children away as you're unfit. Blah blah blah.

Please come and tell us when he starts a tactic, because all of us who've been through it can reassure you that it's well-worn and predictable, and that his promises mean nothing and neither do his threats.

Keep going OP. A better life awaits you and your DC Flowers

I will keep posting. He has tried many of the tactics, I've been reading the relationships board for a while and it surprises me how they all do exactly the same!!!
OP posts:
FatOaf · 01/04/2022 12:47

Keys are old fashioned and he is too important to have to think about how he will get into his own house

So presumably he is rich enough to have electronic locks installed, and to pay a high-tech locksmith when (not if) they fail and you're all locked out.

babyjellyfish · 01/04/2022 12:47

OK, just read your replies.

LTB.

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 12:48

**Yes he does. It wasnt me that started buying it, it was him as he tried but got rejected for the mortgage so took it out in my name, without asking or telling me. First I knew of it was when I got a letter through the post for me to sign and I had to ask him wtf it was about I fully expect had he been the first one in, he would have opened the letter and signed it and I'd never have known it was in my name. Just worked in my favour....
**

I’m confused op

So you’re sole mortgagee
But also sole owner of the property? Or is he joint for for that too?

Knittedfairies · 01/04/2022 12:48

What a prize...

Would he wear a magnetic collar so you could install a giant cat flap in the front door?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:49

@babyjellyfish

OP, don't give this nonsense any head space.

Come and go as you please, live your life, and if your husband gets locked out because he can't be arsed to carry a key with him, that will be his problem.

I wouldn't be rushing to answer the door when you are at home either. If you are in the shower or the loo or doing something else when he rings the doorbell, he will just have to wait.

😂😂 I've never been allowed a doorbell!! I have wanted one for years but he said no as it will disturb him as people will ring it..... guess that will backfire on him when I can't hear him knock
OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:50

In his head I'm sure he is. In reality.... we are not!!

OP posts:
SafeMove · 01/04/2022 12:50

I had to leave the marital home too because exH did the same - turning up when he liked for showers even though there was a MARAC that came out at high, police involved and divorce started so I left. It was worth it to be in control of when i had to see him. He tried turning up at my new house and barging his way in but the door got locked.

The next few years will be rough - sorting through the psychological shit he has left you with. I still look at the clock at 6.55pm and my heart leaps as he came home at 7pm but now I know I don't have to deal with him now. The bullshit you put up with will make you incredulous. Keep laughing and healing and you will have won the war Flowers

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 01/04/2022 12:50

Surely you're too useless/important/busy/forgetful to be carrying a mobile phone?
I'd get yourself a new phone with a new number and leave the old one where he can see it ringing as he tries to demand you come home to let him in.
Hope your house purchase completes soon.

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 12:50

Because if you are the only person on the mortgage
But you BOTH will be registered owners of the property

That means you are solely responsible for the liability
But shared for the asset!

Weenurse · 01/04/2022 12:51

So is his assumption that you are moving house together, or that he is moving out?
Have you discussed you moving out?
Will you be safe or do you need a plan?
Is he likely to get violent?
Please think about how to move safely

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2022 12:51

@Knittedfairies

What a prize...

Would he wear a magnetic collar so you could install a giant cat flap in the front door?

GrinGrin
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:52

@NdefH81

**Yes he does. It wasnt me that started buying it, it was him as he tried but got rejected for the mortgage so took it out in my name, without asking or telling me. First I knew of it was when I got a letter through the post for me to sign and I had to ask him wtf it was about I fully expect had he been the first one in, he would have opened the letter and signed it and I'd never have known it was in my name. Just worked in my favour.... **

I’m confused op

So you’re sole mortgagee
But also sole owner of the property? Or is he joint for for that too?

Yes, only my name as owner and mortgage only in my name. Other house is only in his name so I could buy in my name as it's my first house. I'm not worthy of being in the deeds until it suits him, but my money is worthy enough to pay for it...
OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:53

@Knittedfairies

What a prize...

Would he wear a magnetic collar so you could install a giant cat flap in the front door?

😂😂 genuinely nearly choked on my snotty tears laughing at this!!
OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 01/04/2022 12:53

Tell him to fuck off for himself.
Dickhead.
Also - show him this thread.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:54

@Toothemoonandback

When you leave you should send him on a “treasure” hunt to find the key… I’d leave messages at each uncomfortable spot, directing his controlling arse to the next (and the next) uncomfortable spot possibly miles between them all, that finally lead him back to the same front door he started at… the W&nker
😂😂 yes I will do this!! And when he let's himself in, he cam find me and all my stuff gone
OP posts:
SafeMove · 01/04/2022 12:54

I wasn't 'allowed' sugar in my morning coffee (he banned sugar from the house). I will relish having a sugar in my morning coffee every day for the rest of my life even if my teeth rot as a massive fuck you. Enjoy the fuck yous! Also wait until you get into a normal, lovely, healthy relationship (if you ever bother again). It is a revelation!

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 12:54

Still doesn’t make sense

You would have still had to have paid stamp duty irrespective of this being your first house purchase because it wasn’t going to be your primary residence?

What was the purpose of the purchase? To rent out or to move in to

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 12:56

He trusts you and really can’t be that controlling if he’s just put a property entirely in your name

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