Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 01/04/2022 22:23

He doesn't have a key to the house anymore?

Well that's perfect;pack his stuff up and leave it outside;he can't get back in the house;karma.

etulosba · 01/04/2022 22:29

Our house is unlocked from whenever somebody goes out until I go to bed. Which is late.

Just leave a key in a safe place all the time. Whoever uses has to put it back in the safe place. If he can’t manage that, tough.

sophienelisse · 01/04/2022 22:45

Well he has no key. Just block him and be done with him.

CMS claim.

Divorce papers.

He is unhinged.

If he continues to live there op please cease doing anything at all for him.

Beancounter1 · 01/04/2022 22:47

Hi OP,
A poster quoted an old thread of yours further up, one where you said you and he have already discussed breaking up several months ago.

He knows what is on your mind. He is planning something.

Please, please be really careful - check and double check everything, leave nothing to chance, and DONT underestimate him. Don't underestimate his deviousness, intelligence, or cruelty.

If you are working full time, can you not just leave and go into a rented property yourself as a temporary measure? Have you got savings enough for a deposit and rent in advance, removal van, and rent on a storage unit for your furniture? Can you borrow from your parents or get a loan if necessary?

He may be wanting you to move into this new house, for some legal or financial reason that you can't see it may be a trap.

If you just rent your own place and then file for divorce, it will all get sorted out properly by your lawyer.

If you move into your own rented place you can also keep your address secret from him - police may be able to help you with this.

I repeat - don't underestimate him.

k1233 · 01/04/2022 23:14

Try seeing if your bank has any policies about women leaving abusive relationships.

Sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness than seek permission. By that, I mean move into the property, explain the domestic abuse situation to the bank (including children are with you) and ask how to change the mortgage to an owner occupier. Explain the financial abuse including loans previously taken out in your name that you were not aware of.

frazzledasarock · 01/04/2022 23:56

When I got divorced. Ex had bought a second house in his sole name. So we both got a house each. He got the house he’d bought under his name I got the former marital home (which is what I wanted), Altho twatface wanted a percentage of my home too, it didn’t happen.

So in the event of a divorce you may be able to keep the second house as part of the financial settlement. Just keep in mind your marital home may have a larger value and or a smaller mortgage (so you might be able to also get a portion of the value of it).

Do find a shit hot lawyer and talk this through.

I’d also get a house valuation (or three) carried out on your current home before you leave. So you can produce in court how much he had in assets to convince him to leave you the house you own, take a copy of the mortgage statement too to show exactly how much is owing on the marital home as well.
In my case twatface tried to make out like his new house was smaller and less value so he could get more money out of me (didn’t work).

Nat6999 · 02/04/2022 04:19

While he is out do some detective work, find copies of as much of his financial information as you can, have a root in the safe to see if he is hiding anything there, get your passport, driving licence, birth & marriage certificates, everything official for your dc. Take photographs of his classic car, as many as possible because the value of that will be included in the split. Open a bank account at a different bank to where you are now & get as much money in it as you can, things like cashback at the shops, get your salary or any benefits moved to it, hide the card & any information so he can't find it. Don't trust him an inch, get a shit hot lawyer to fight for you, ask if you are able to claim legal aid due to abuse.

Zonder · 02/04/2022 06:27

I hope you are ok OP.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/04/2022 06:28

So pleased you're resolved to leave OP.

If you've not come across there's an excellent YouTube channel run by a Psychologist on Narcissism /Narcissistic abuse as well as info on leaving these relationships.

I think it's excellent!

Look up Dr Ramani

youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 02/04/2022 08:46

Can he not use one of his super-powers to pass through solid objects?

DatingDinosaur · 02/04/2022 10:11

Beancounter1 said -

"A poster quoted an old thread of yours further up, one where you said you and he have already discussed breaking up several months ago.

He knows what is on your mind. He is planning something."

I agree.

When did you start buying this other property OP? Was it after that earlier discussion?

It might be a shag-pad for the OW to “rent from you”. And, technically, you’ve bought it.

Think about it. It’s a buy to let mortgage. The OW “rents” it from you (your name’s on mortgage, etc.). Hubby decides you and him aren’t working out. He (being all reasonable, minimum disruption to the children, etc).offers to move out and moves in with OW (his name’s not anywhere on the paperwork so he’s not breaching any mortgage conditions).

As some other posters have said, try to halt this particular house purchase and find a place of your own which is totally secret from unconnected to him.

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 02/04/2022 10:36

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

Can he not use one of his super-powers to pass through solid objects?
😂😂 unfortunately the superpowers he has in his head very rarely never manifest into something of any use!
OP posts:
Scorchedterf · 02/04/2022 10:53

I would imagine buying the second house in your name is so that he avoids paying tax on the income. If the house is jointly owned tax is apportioned 50/50. The only way to avoid this is for one person to solely own the property and they will then be liable for all the tax, and other debts. You are being sewn up like a kipper.

SafeMove · 02/04/2022 11:04

I commend your lack of defensiveness OP. A few people have hinted you are a troll or not being truthful and the level of questioning and quoting of your old posts by one particular poster has been pretty scary.

People can't understand how these men operate or even exist. Having been at the sharp end of one of them I vouch that they do. It's a confusing, disorientating time. I know some posters are trying to be helpful and the advice about caution about this new house is good but please try to understand that OP has had two decades of coercive control she is starting to think about, probably doesn't know herself well and is trying to figure out a very difficult life event under the shadow of abuse. It makes sense to you that she should do x, y and z but I couldn't choose if I wanted tea or coffee when I left. Telling her what she MUST do and questioning her intelligence or how she got into this situation is not doing anything for her is it?

theschitt · 02/04/2022 11:40

I have no idea if any of this is real, but if it is congratulations on reaching the end of the line with this loser husband you've been very unfortunate to be stuck with for 20 years.

Please please get some therapy for your children when/if you move out.

They are going to need it, witnessing an abusive relationship between their parents and being part of that their own lives is going to have had a massive effect on them and a very damaging consequence on their futures and particularly their future relationships.

Good luck, I hope you do get free.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/04/2022 11:42

Why are you even entertaining this nonsense? Just tell him to get a grip. If he finds himself locked out that's tough.

thefootballcoacheswife · 02/04/2022 11:49

Just get a key box. Or a new husband.

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 02/04/2022 11:54

@SafeMove

I commend your lack of defensiveness OP. A few people have hinted you are a troll or not being truthful and the level of questioning and quoting of your old posts by one particular poster has been pretty scary.

People can't understand how these men operate or even exist. Having been at the sharp end of one of them I vouch that they do. It's a confusing, disorientating time. I know some posters are trying to be helpful and the advice about caution about this new house is good but please try to understand that OP has had two decades of coercive control she is starting to think about, probably doesn't know herself well and is trying to figure out a very difficult life event under the shadow of abuse. It makes sense to you that she should do x, y and z but I couldn't choose if I wanted tea or coffee when I left. Telling her what she MUST do and questioning her intelligence or how she got into this situation is not doing anything for her is it?

I think the lack of defensiveness is because I genuinely have nothing to hide! The fact people think I'm a troll just adds weight to the fact that the situation I am in is so bad people think it cant be real. And I'm happy for those people that have never experienced abuse like this so think it doesnt exist. And so sad and sorry for the countless women in similar situations. Well done to those that got themselves out of it, and maybe reading this thread may help a woman going through similar, I know reading these boards has helped me immensely. Hope you are happy now safemove
OP posts:
Hollyontherampage · 02/04/2022 12:37

Have you sought advice OP?

RonSwansonsChair · 03/04/2022 09:54

I've read all your posts agog 😲
I really hope your plans work out and you manage to buy the new house and move in ASAP.

RockinHorseShit · 03/04/2022 10:00

Mine would be finding himself frequently locked out if ever dared try to pull that shit.

Is he always such a controlling arse?

Flatbrokefornow · 03/04/2022 11:33

Look, I’m a bit worried about this mortgage, OP. It’s brilliant that you have it as another house to escape to, and I’d hate for you to have a nasty surprise. You do sound as if you have all your ducks in a row, but it would a right bummer if it went wrong, so…..

Is it a BTL mortgage? If so, you can’t live in it. You’ll be in breach of the mortgage conditions and they can and certainly will, evict you and repossess it for being in breach of the mortgage conditions, and he will tell them, won’t he! At the very least they will force you to change to a residential product and pay all the costs over again, AND the early repayment charges. Also stamp duty will be due on the purchase. Possibly second home stamp duty, which is bloody massive. Do you have funds to pay it? You really need to talk to the solicitor/broker/lender and find out what he’s told them, and also to instruct them to speak only to you, personally. Not whatever email he’s set up in your name (or however he did this). He might have told them it is to be your primary residence, if he has fraudulently applied for a cheaper residential mortgage in your name. In which case you can live happily in the property while sticking two fingers up at him. (although you will still have to fund the stamp duty, but it will be much lower)

Also, equifax doesn’t give a complete credit file. You need checkmyfile. He may already
have an account, as the mortgage broker often asks for it. The financial abuse here is much more concerning than the general twattery, and while I love that you secretly have the upper hand here, I worry that things could be more complex than you realise.

I think you need a solicitor to advise you. At this point, you don’t know what you don’t know, and they will have seen such twattery before and can advise you where else to look. Women’s aid might be worth contacting for advice, too.

Are you SURE he doesn’t know what you’re planning? You’re openly rebelling in small ways now, and that might cause him to look for bigger rebellions and ‘nip them in the bud’ (although he is clearly very arrogant, and might not believe it’s possible, I’d still be very, very careful here). As much as it pains me, I would play the long game here and capitulate to the ridiculous no-joggers and keyless entry requirements (with a show of reluctance) in order to conceal the house purchase plan. At least until you have the keys and the deeds in your name and know what the mortgage deal is. He must have SOME communication over the house you’re unaware of, or you’d have found out about it before.

I hope I’m wrong.

Mix56 · 03/04/2022 12:31

No worries about what sort of mortgage, as in the not to distant future all assets will be divided by 2.

jeaux90 · 03/04/2022 12:42

No fault divorces start this week.

Perfect timing for you OP because a man like him would never concede to being anything but perfect.

You sound very resilient. It's really hard when the scales fall from your eyes to then pick yourself up and not dwell on how you got there.

I hope you get out of this abusive and coercive situation as soon as you can.

whynotwhatknot · 03/04/2022 16:37

How good you can now get divorced op with no fault being legal now

i dont know much about them though do both parties still have to agree?