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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
SometimesSunshineSometimesrain · 01/04/2022 18:41

WTAF???!!!

Cloudwire · 01/04/2022 18:42

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

There is a reason it was in my name and not his that I havent explained, but didnt think it important. Surely if I kept the house in my name and rented it, I could then find a rental and live there with my kids until the mortgage is up and then change it to regular mortgage?? It is odd but most things he does are, I initially thought he knew best so never questioned it and now I know better than to question what he does. He wouldn't tell me anyway.
I recommend getting some proper advice regarding the rental property. Contact the mortgage company and ask some hypothetical questions. Consider joining the National Residential Landlords Association and using their advice service. They know a lot about the law around letting property. Also consider contacting Shelter for advice. If you have the funds, get advice from a property lawyer. I would be wary of getting tenants in if you have intentions of moving in in the future. It’s not as simple as getting them to leave when mortgage term is up. However, you could let it out and if the property rises in value over time you could refinance it and use the proceeds towards your own mortgage on a new property.

Most importantly make plans for getting the key when the sale completes. Do not trust the estate agent not to give it to your husband. Make copies immediately for your own use and hide them. Depending on the advice you get from professionals, you may find it prudent to move in at the risk of breaching mortgage terms just to get residency. It can be very difficult to legally remove someone from a property!

Good luck, you can do this!

Supersee · 01/04/2022 18:45

I read a near identical story on this months back.

Sooziewoozie · 01/04/2022 18:48

I'm with Pointythings! This is absolutely absurd! He is a control freak! You are worth more more than this!

Hutchy16 · 01/04/2022 18:48

PLEASE CHANGE ALL BANK ACCOUNT PASSWORDS AND SECURITY QUESTIONS ASAP!!!!

You could also consider what you can add to your credit file to prevent him taking out more loans in your name. An emotional and mental abuser who has a track record of screwing you by taking loans in your name could try to get revenge.

If he has ever been violent please make sure you take any necessary steps to protect your safety, and inform the school so that your children don’t get picked up without your consent if you think he would use them against you.

RandomMess · 01/04/2022 19:06

I would speak to a solicitor about legal/financial separation and how quickly it can be done to protect yourself.

If he takes out credit in your name again report it as fraud.

Have you registered both houses on that list where you notified if land registry searches are requested, alerts you if someone is selling them I believe.

insatiableme · 01/04/2022 19:17

You sound like he has grinded you down slowly over the years. Sadly you don't even notice and it totally changed your concept of normality over the years. Well done for finally realising what a pig he is. It's a slow process but Keep working on your self and each day you will become stronger. Wish you the best.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2022 19:17

@Coffeepot72

My husband regularly goes out without a door key, but then doesn't blame me if he's locked out.
Keep up...
Nat6999 · 01/04/2022 19:30

If he doesn't carry a key it will save you changing the locks when you kick him out. What a total wanker of a man.

Nat6999 · 01/04/2022 19:37

When you leave, make sure you lock the house door, leave the garage unlocked & put the keys to his precious car in the ignition( or in the bin if you are really feeling like revenge)

CisMyArse · 01/04/2022 19:53

Probably repeating another poster here but be careful to log out of everything. You don't want him seeing this thread.

Good luck OP Thanks

TheMoreYouKnow · 01/04/2022 20:04

He obviously needs to have one of those doors installed that are operated by scanning your eyes.

BOOTS52 · 01/04/2022 20:04

Tell him to just feck off as you cannot be at his beck and call. This is just ridiculous and I would not have come back to let him in. You should have made him drive to your work. He is just being a difficult annoying selfish sod. No way would I be running around for him or waiting for him. Tell him firmly he carries his key or else he moves out simple. Just when I thought I had heard it all something else pops up on here. Is he otherwise a sane person? Stand your ground calmly and firmly and if he still insists tell him he won't need his key ever again.

PebbleMillAtOne · 01/04/2022 20:36

Walk away and leave the door locked and the all they keys instead and pin a big note on the door telling him to fuck off

Onthedunes · 01/04/2022 21:32

I've only read your posts op so sorry if you've mentioned this.

Is your current house which you live in paid up or do you have a mortgage on it? You say the house is in his name alone.

Something doesn't sit right with all this, if you move and take on this mortgage will he have the main home and what are the payments on that. You really need to see a solicitor before you go ahead with moving out.

You need divorce, with a SHL.

You clearly have seen the light but may I suggest you are only now beggining not to trust him, there is still so much to distrust about this man.
He sounds very manipulative, it's almost as if he is allowing you to see his vile behaviour, he wants you to react, there is a reason behind this change.

Men like this leave nothing to chance, did he leave that email for you to see, has he set up this mortgage for another reason, has he told you about this key episode for another reason, such as telling others you have denied him a key, could he be discarding you and making you think you are the one engineering the end.

My spidy senses are up, and you have been controlled and moulded over the years to believe him, why would the ending be any different.

Cover yourself as much as possible, seek financial help, change passwords and make sure he doesn't have access to your phone or laptop through spyware.

Read up on narcissism, the best reading I found was HG Tudor, Knowing the narcissist.

BOOTS52 · 01/04/2022 21:33

So happy to hear you are planning on leaving with the children. Wishing you all the best and you will have peace of mind again and will have a new start in you and your children's life. I would also get advise from Women's Aid as it will do you good also as they deal with this so much and will have great little tips for you. Hope you are doing ok.

lborgia · 01/04/2022 21:35

@BOOTS52
@TheMoreYouKnow
@Riverlee
@Coffeepot72

and every other Muppet - did it not occur to you that it may be worth checking why there are so many bloody posts?!

READ THE F**KING THREAD!!

Onthedunes · 01/04/2022 21:38

Yes Women's Aid is a good idea, they maybe able to give you advice separating and divorcing this controlling man.

Even if he is the one who want's divorce, it will have to be on his terms and he will bully you.

You need as much help as you can get with this one.

lborgia · 01/04/2022 21:46

Hi again @Bogiesaremyonlyfriend - I'm also going to echo some of the other posts in my concern that this isn't quite the easy fix it seems.

I recognise the almost euphoric sense of having a plan, knowing that you have come to your senses, and that in the space of a few short weeks the scales have fallen from your eyes, and you are busy getting back your life, power, agency.

But you need to take a breath. This man appears, from what you've described to be something like a malignant narcissist.

You really need to make sure you have covered every angle, to protect your safety, both physical and legal.

1 - check the mortgage with a lawyer
2 - make a connection with the police, noting his behaviour/coercive control
3 - talk to a GP, giving them an outline of what he has been doing
4 - get a new email address, he may well be using yours, or at least checking what you have written,
5 - get copies of everything, and set up a post box or bank box to keep them in. Or at work

Seriously, please do not underestimate how this could go. You know that I rescued to some of your early descriptors. My relationship finished years ago, but I remember the last stages very vividly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, so please use mine to keep you and your children safe.

Mix56 · 01/04/2022 21:47

I have a dream that when you finally walk away, you do the paper chase for the keys, & when he finds them, he discovers you have filled the lock with superglue.
But I am petty & childlike

gunnersgold · 01/04/2022 21:50

If just leave it under a plant pot and when he calls just tell him it's there the end . Don't go home to let him in ffs ! What an absolute wanker !

lborgia · 01/04/2022 22:07

Ugh, "you know I rescued some of your early descriptors" should say "referred to some of".

Eeksteek · 01/04/2022 22:10

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

His reasoning is literally he doesnt want to have to bother with one anymore. Keys are old fashioned and he is too important to have to think about how he will get into his own house, also, I should be here at all times in my apron and high heels ready to give him a hero's welcome every time he wants to come back to his castle.....
Guess you won’t need to change the locks…..

What a knob. I mean, there are compromises. You could get a keysafe, or a fingerprint lock, or even a keypad/tag lock. I wouldn’t bother for such a knob, because the way to go about that is to say how much of a faff you find keys (I’m actually with him on this) and start looking for ways to fix it FOR YOURSELF. Not to decree it’s someone else’s responsibility to be keyholder and thus present whenever you need to get in.

As everyone has said, tell him no, come and go as usual. Let him in if you’re around (for the moment. If he persist in being such a knob, stop letting him in!) otherwise treat him as a the child he is behaving like and let him in whenever you normally get home.

Booboobagins · 01/04/2022 22:10

www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-samsung-rvo1&source=android-browser&q=keyless+home+entry#scso=_TmlHYo7POcTF8gLV_rPIBg7:0

He can have what he wants without you being at his beck and call, what a twit!

So glad you've already made plans OP, well done and good luck. He doesn't deserve you or your DDs xxx

Lougle · 01/04/2022 22:15

If he does have access to your emails and if anyone is private messaging you, he will know your username here. Just something to be aware of.