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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 01/04/2022 16:55

He sounds like a right weirdo. My 13 year old gets into trouble for forgetting her key.

Schmz · 01/04/2022 16:56

Wow you are right he’s an entitled prick and I’ll add controlling / abusive etc etc …

Don’t be hard on yourself for what you haven’t done ….. concentrate energies on looking forward and what’s right for you - go for it !!

SarahBellam · 01/04/2022 17:01

Well, you sound amazing and he sounds like a bag of dicks. Hope you get your new house and he gets syphilis.

SunshineCake1 · 01/04/2022 17:04

If his mother and brother live next door why not leave a key with them and then you don't have to come back and let him in ? Not that you have to come back anyway and shouldn't.

SunshineCake1 · 01/04/2022 17:06

@GiantHaystacks2021

Tell him to fuck off for himself. Dickhead. Also - show him this thread.
Don't show him this thread. I am so sick of people advising this. If is never a good idea and sometimes can be dangerous. Why do you think he will take notice of strangers when he is treating the woman he said he loved like this ?
FavouritePi · 01/04/2022 17:08

I'm really shocked at this.

I'd be finding myself spending lots of time out with friends and the DC. I'd also be in the garden having a cup of tea more often when I am in. What a shame you can't hear the non existent doorbell or his weak knocking!

Hollyontherampage · 01/04/2022 17:21

Sorry to read all your updates OP, poor you. But well done for taking steps to leave.

I'm no expert but surely he's committed a crime all these years of coercive control? Buying a property in your name could actually leave you vulnerable. Similarly him taking out the loan in your name. Have you spoken to any professionals yet OP? Either a solicitor or Womens Aid? I think you should do both, ASAP. You shouldn't be handling this exit alone.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 17:35

@butterpuffed

What an utterly depressing thread. You sound very intelligent so how has it taken you twenty years to see the light.

As it's so recent , I think you need to think about things rather than coming out with all these comments which sound so off the cuff and lighthearted.

I know you said something about time to laugh rather than being unhappy/serious [ sorry, can't locate the post but it was something like that] but you need to find a middle road.

Hope all goes well for you.

I am Intelligent and believe me I've spent many hours obsessing about how I managed to get into this position, but I guess it hasnt always been like this and it's a gradual build up that you dont even notice until you're drowning. But I've come to realise that how I got here doesnt really matter anymore cos I am here, and what matters is getting away.
OP posts:
balalake · 01/04/2022 17:36

@SarahBellam I don't wish syphillis on men like the OP describes, as I hope they never have sex with another woman (or man even) again.

dollymuchymuchness · 01/04/2022 17:36

FFS, tell him to do one. Who the hell does he think he is? Just say no.

Lookingoutside · 01/04/2022 17:38

I think it’s important to say that intelligence has no bearing and how long a woman stays.

Women are not in abusive relationships and often ending up dead because they lack intelligence.

Stravaig · 01/04/2022 17:38

How considerate of him to voluntarily relinquish his key. You should reciprocate by piling all his belongings outside, with divorce papers balanced on top.

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 17:40

* Weve come to the conclusion we need to separate but how do we do that when we both love each other so much. We get on so well and he is just my favourite person, we hardly ever disagree or argue, we have so much fun and are into the same things. I know I'll never find anyone as perfect for me as he is, he is the one.*

6 months ago you posted this
What the heck happened?

needingpeace · 01/04/2022 17:43

Do nothing more for this twat ever again. Absolutely nothing. Get onto the estate agent and get that house done. Move out and live a wonderful life. You will

PriamFarrl · 01/04/2022 17:47

I’m so glad you’ve realised what he’s like. He’s really done a number on you.

Moodlesofnoodles · 01/04/2022 17:48

@Hollyontherampage

Sorry to read all your updates OP, poor you. But well done for taking steps to leave.

I'm no expert but surely he's committed a crime all these years of coercive control? Buying a property in your name could actually leave you vulnerable. Similarly him taking out the loan in your name. Have you spoken to any professionals yet OP? Either a solicitor or Womens Aid? I think you should do both, ASAP. You shouldn't be handling this exit alone.

Has he committed fraud, OP? Sounds likely.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/04/2022 17:49

"I'm not even allowed to wear jogging pants when he is in the house, else I run the risk of him being unattracted to me and therefore off to seek someone else with nicer attire"

Well there's a nice get out clause! I'd be wearing them until he fucked off (without a key, natch) and then never letting him back in again!

You seem to have your head screwed on right now, and I hope that you can get rid of this waste of skin very soon, because he sounds like an absolute drain.

Best of luck!Thanks

334bu · 01/04/2022 17:50

But I've come to realise that how I got here doesnt really matter anymore cos I am here, and what matters is getting away.

Yes, recriminations are useless. Good luck and stay strong.

lunar1 · 01/04/2022 17:55

I really hope your house completes soon.

notanothertakeaway · 01/04/2022 17:58

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

If I'm not in his situation will be all my fault and it will confirm the useless waste of space that I am. It has already happened, he took the kids to school and asked if I would be in when he returned, I said no and left, he hadnt sorted himself a key so rang me as he was locked out on his return and I had to come back and let him in and thus was late for work and on the shitty end of his attitude when I did come back to let him in, u til o pointed out I had told him I'd be out.... least it will be easier to throw him out when the time comes...
Why did you go home to let him into the house? He should have come to wherever you were, to pick up the key

Get a yale lock fitted to front door, so it locks when closed

And attach a key safe to a tree in the garden

Riverlee · 01/04/2022 17:58

If he hasn’t got a key, I’d leave him locked out.

MrsColinRobinson · 01/04/2022 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

AlternativePerspective · 01/04/2022 18:30

Has he committed fraud, OP? Sounds likely. he has, and the fact that he applied for a pet gage in her name and she essentially just went ahead with it makes her complicit. Just saying “oh, well you’ve applied now in my name so I’ll just carry on the process”doesn’t make it any less fraud than it otherwise would have.

If OP wants to be free of him she genuinely needs to pull out of this house purchase and look to rent somewhere until they’re divorced and she can buy a house in her own right. The house will be a marital asset anyway even though it’s in her name, and he will be eentitled to the equity.

And to the poster who said that there will be two houses so she will end up with one of them, that’s not true. Because it’s not the physical assets which are counted but the financial ones. So the only way in which OP is likely to end up with a house is if they have exactly the same value with exactly the same amount of equity.

Sorry but going along with this in the belief that OP is putting one over on him is incredibly badly thought out, however much people want to think that OP is doing a fantastic thing. She isn’t, and is likely to get burned by it.

OP you need to pull out of the house purchase, and then leave.

AlternativePerspective · 01/04/2022 18:31

*mortgage

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 18:39

@NdefH81

* Weve come to the conclusion we need to separate but how do we do that when we both love each other so much. We get on so well and he is just my favourite person, we hardly ever disagree or argue, we have so much fun and are into the same things. I know I'll never find anyone as perfect for me as he is, he is the one.*

6 months ago you posted this
What the heck happened?

Embarrassingly I was hugely deluded and believed this to be true at the time. I was so in love. Now the fog had cleared and I can see him for what he is.... we didnt disagre or argue cos I didnt dare. I loved him but turns out he didnt feel the same, just turns out I couldn't see it
OP posts:
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