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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
moofolk · 01/04/2022 15:36

LTB

steppemum · 01/04/2022 15:38

Added to which the new house will be a marital asset so he will be entitled to half the equity.

There are 2 houses. The one they live in and the new one.
So which ever way you cut it, OP should end up with one house.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 15:38

Small wins for the day:
1 I went out in public in my joggers and noone keeled over in horror.
2 I did not let him know I had paid in the money and I accidentally forgot to leave a key when I went out. Not that he was expected home but still...
3 I remembered that i used to love seeing all the dandelions and that once when dd2 was little she thought it was so magical as when we left for school in the morning one day there was nothing but when we came home the garden was full of dandelions and she loved it, told h when he came home and he moaned and pulled them all out. So I spent time enjoying them as I drove to the bank. I might pick a few and blow the seeds around the garden.....
4 I ate some lovely chocolate covered cashews and instead of saving half for h when he gets home I put them away in a cupboard he wont look in, cos it contains food that requires cooking and he doesnt do that shit, so I can enjoy them again tomorrow!!

OP posts:
OMG12 · 01/04/2022 15:46

Well if he hasn’t got a key he can’t get back in the house, by the sounds of things, this would be a bonus. Can he live in a tent in the meantime until he stops acting like a controlling twat? Suggest a dog door with a magnetic tag and he can wear it on a collar?

tkwal · 01/04/2022 15:47

I think the correct term for him is self important , controlling , egotistical twerp !. I would pack his bags and leave them outside with a note telling him to go rent somewhere with a keypad entry and exit system. You don't need to take his orders or follow his rules

neverlyeverly · 01/04/2022 15:49

My ex-h did similar things, not quite this bad, but played helpless and expected me to run around after him, and criticised and undermined me constantly, blamed me for everything that went wrong. When we split it felt like a huge weight was lifted off me, no longer having to deal with his disapproval and negativity. Despite all the emotional, financial and logisitical difficulties of separating, it is absolute bliss to be in charge of my own life again. I hope you get to feel like this too OP x

Babadook76 · 01/04/2022 15:49

This is so fucking depressing. I can’t wait for the update when you leave

perfumebottle · 01/04/2022 15:52

I have one of these dh. I just went out a few times at the most inconvenient times until he relearned the world didn't revolve around him after all.

DrSbaitso · 01/04/2022 15:53

I remembered that i used to love seeing all the dandelions and that once when dd2 was little she thought it was so magical as when we left for school in the morning one day there was nothing but when we came home the garden was full of dandelions and she loved it, told h when he came home and he moaned and pulled them all out.

What an absolute cunt.

BuanoKubiamVej · 01/04/2022 15:53

Given that you haven't completed yet it would be WAY more sensible to visit the bank in person and explain that although you originally applied for a BTL mortgage you would like to convert the application to an owner-occupier mortgage. You'll need to take proof of your salary as the BTL mortgage may have been agreed on the basis of rentable market value. You will risk either enormous fees or the bank forclosing on the mortgage if you attempt to make the changes after having completed.

RantyAunty · 01/04/2022 15:54

Hope the house is settled soon.
Can't wait for you to post from your new place celebrating with a glass of wine!

ProudAlly · 01/04/2022 15:55

Honestly OP, I would forget the second house because there he will still feel you're within his reach and control as he initiated the purchase etc and it's still an asset of the marriage so you may find you can't prevent him getting in. However if you rented somewhere it would be yours alone, and beyond his reach completely. I'd really consider that if I were you.

I'd also be going out without leaving a key and turning your phone off or blocking his number

What a twat

ClawedButler · 01/04/2022 15:57

More power to your elbow!

It isn't easy to see abuse when you're in it, but you've not only recognised it for what it is but are taking steps to get yourself and your children away from it.

Bravo, OP, bravo. You are a legend.

He's just a clown. A cold clown, stuck outside his own house.

robocracker · 01/04/2022 16:01

@IceVolcanoes

Does he think he’s the queen?

My ex used to insist on never carrying any means to pay for anything. It was my job to have cards etc. he couldn’t be expected to burden himself with a wallet.

I do the opposite, he has bigger pockets so I assume he always has his wallet. Which he does. I do always check he has it though before we go anywhere. I don't usually carry a handbag so have to plan ahead if I need it. I realise I'm unusual but it's not a problem for us so all good!
ArrrMeHearties · 01/04/2022 16:12

I'd be changing the locks and getting a new key after all he won't want one of his own since he's too important for one

isthismylifenow · 01/04/2022 16:14

Great update for today OP.

It's the little things isn't it. And tomorrow you get to enjoy the choc cashews all over again. And he won't even know!

Cherryblossoms85 · 01/04/2022 16:15

Read all your updates and I'd be trying to get him on trial for coercive control. That way he's unlikely to have unsupervised contact with the girls and it is abuse, so the mortgage company is likely to view your application for change of mortgage a bit differently and hopefully expedite it. God I hope it all works out for you!!

Pixiedust1234 · 01/04/2022 16:19

I hear you about trying to laugh at things now. Anger can only sustain you for so long before it starts being internalised which is acutually worse for you. I have started to mentally roll my eyes at my twattish H. I have no idea how or if I can leave him but I need to protect my sanity now. Good luck Op. Let me know if you need a lodger Grin

Vijia · 01/04/2022 16:25

Op you need legal advice and your own bank account. Good luck

Duchess379 · 01/04/2022 16:26

This is a form of control. He doesn't want house keys because he wants you to be exactly where he wants you.
I'm glad your eyes are opening & you're preparing to leave.
When he does this again, don't go back. Leave him outside. Turn your phone off & go for a coffee. An hour away 😆💕👍🏼

JudgeRindersMinder · 01/04/2022 16:35

@LemonViolet

Next time that happens, he can come and collect the key from you at work. Don’t put yourself out.

Why is he doing this? Does he lose keys? Is there some kind of issue he has that means this is especially difficult for him?

I lose keys. Repeatedly. I do think I probably have ADHD. I now physically attach keys to my bag/myself/my dog lead as I leave the house, after having to call family members with spare keys on an embarrassing number of occasions. I only remember to attach them because there are an obnoxious amount of mini caribiners attached to All Possible Things to prompt me. I’d love to have a keysafe or smart lock instead but security conscious DP is against it. I can see a knobhead entitled bloke deciding to delegate the key issue rather than taking responsibility themselves, if they found it as challenging as I do.

Smart door lock - one that takes key code rather than a physical key - would be ideal IMO.

Or, if this is just one tiny facet of his knobheaddery, he could always go and live somewhere else.

A key safe would be perfect for you, and cheaper than coded locks.
BinBandit · 01/04/2022 16:35

Wouldn't it be such a shame if after he left for work one day leaving the door unlocked, someone broke in and only took his stuff? They could leave it all in a pile and since he didn't have a key, he couldn't get back in?

Chuck this waste of skin to the kerb OP. You are better than this and he doesn't deserve you or your DC.

JudgeRindersMinder · 01/04/2022 16:36

@LemonViolet well it would be perfect if your DP wasn’t against it, sorry I didn’t register that part

butterpuffed · 01/04/2022 16:44

What an utterly depressing thread. You sound very intelligent so how has it taken you twenty years to see the light.

As it's so recent , I think you need to think about things rather than coming out with all these comments which sound so off the cuff and lighthearted.

I know you said something about time to laugh rather than being unhappy/serious [ sorry, can't locate the post but it was something like that] but you need to find a middle road.

Hope all goes well for you.

BlueOverYellow · 01/04/2022 16:53

I've not read such a depressing thread in a long time ... you really, really need to get yourself and your girls away from this giant d-bag and into therapy to figure out why you stayed for so long and to ensure your girls don't end up with similar men down the line.