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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:33

@sundaydayisnotmyfundayday

hat's mine is in reality his and I have nothing.

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend only for as long as you stay within this remit. Legally things are entirely different!

Are you ok?

Yes legally once rid of him I'll probably have more than I've ever had. Some kind of sense of worth at the very least. When the kids were little and in nursery he made me pay nursery fees and all the food which left me with nothing, often I didnt eat so I could feed the rest while he went on holidays and bought motorbikes. And still accused me of sponging off him, contributing nothing and forcing him to "not have had a life"..... while I've clearly been living the fucking dream....
OP posts:
Lookingoutside · 01/04/2022 14:34

‘I can honestly say I'm making my plan and will be skipping off in to the sunset at my first opportunity.’

I’m very glad to hear this. Sending love and solidarity.

Frillyfruli · 01/04/2022 14:36

@Calmdown14

Is this the same husband that wanted his wife to create a social media profile for him so the public could benefit from his brand?

If not OP you and that poster need to form some kind of support group!

@Calmdown14 I read the OP and thought exactly the same thing!!
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:39

@DrSbaitso

Take the kids, the light bulbs, the toilet roll and the milk in the fridge with you.
I'll just be happy to take my kids and any scraps of dignity I can salvage.... anything else is a bonus
OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 01/04/2022 14:39

Will he want to see the dc with their 50 % of your genes?

AlternativePerspective · 01/04/2022 14:41

OP you are being naive. There’s no way he just gifted you the money to buy a house in your name without any benefit to him.

As it seems you took over the purchase of the property, if you leave and move into it he will have a legitimate case for saying hat you hid away financial assets as part of the divorce, and the courts take a very dim view of that.

I really would pull out of this house purchase. Seriously.

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 14:42

get a key safe. they secure to the wall and only open with a code. that way, he wont have to carry a key ever and you wont have to be at his beck and call to let him in.

greyinganddecaying · 01/04/2022 14:43

OP - this all sounds horrendous.

What can you do to speed up your departure?

Is it worth contacting the mortgage company now to change the mortgage so you can move in as soon as you complete?
Does he ever go away overnight so you can move a load of stuff out while he's gone?
Can you manage the financial stuff now (making sure you have a fair share of savings etc) so you're ready to go?

If you lived close to me I'd help you move myself!

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:45

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Will he want to see the dc with their 50 % of your genes?
Ahh the dc are his pride and joy because they validate him as they are just naturally fucking wonderful human beings. So he feels his 50% of the Genes and awesome parenting (consisting of letting me do everything aside from playing a few board games making a few jokes over the years) has made them this way and he needs to show them off at every opportunity so everyone knows just how wonderful he is. I'm fairly certain they arent as weak as me and it wint take them 20 years to realise he is a prick
OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 01/04/2022 14:53

Two big, important things, OP:

First, stay safe. He doesn't sound like someone who will take divorce well. It's a dangerous time. That doesn't mean stay with him, it means take advice and stay safe when leaving him.

Second, when you get yourself therapy, get your daughters therapy too. Because they've grown up with incredibly toxic relationship modeling, and they've clearly been impacted by it (as your daughter's note suggests). They need to know not only the usual things in a divorce, like it isn't their fault and that parental love should be unconditional, but that this isn't the way that relationships are supposed to work and that they don't have to accept this in future relationships themselves.

This isn't by any means me casting any aspersions on you: just to say that you aren't the only one being abused. Your kids are being abused, too, and they'll need some intervention to learn to cope with it well.

SamphiretheStickerist · 01/04/2022 14:53

@AlternativePerspective

OP you are being naive. There’s no way he just gifted you the money to buy a house in your name without any benefit to him.

As it seems you took over the purchase of the property, if you leave and move into it he will have a legitimate case for saying hat you hid away financial assets as part of the divorce, and the courts take a very dim view of that.

I really would pull out of this house purchase. Seriously.

I'm not disputing the second half of that, but the first half I am. Men like that do exist!

My DF is/was exactly the same with DM. It was only when he went bankrupt and two men arrived at my sister's house, that they lived in with her, that he truth came out. DM had debts on cards she had no idea about... she almost went bankrupt too. DSis was looking at losing her home to the loss adjusters, DF had paid about 50% of the deposit and used that to lie and leverage yet more money out of various lenders.

As it was DSis sold the property and found herself giving DF about 80% of the profits and then allowing DPs to live for free in the house she bought abroad with her part of the proceeds. A decade later he took a chunk of the profit from that too! That was what shook her to her senses... and gave me my sister back!

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend get legal advice and stick it to him!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 01/04/2022 14:54

OP, you are playing a blinder here.

I would say keep posting in her for support. Do you have good support in real life?

Please get copies of all documents (or originals if you can) as you might need them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2022 14:58

@AlternativePerspective

OP you are being naive. There’s no way he just gifted you the money to buy a house in your name without any benefit to him.

As it seems you took over the purchase of the property, if you leave and move into it he will have a legitimate case for saying hat you hid away financial assets as part of the divorce, and the courts take a very dim view of that.

I really would pull out of this house purchase. Seriously.

I don’t see this as op has kept a log of the transaction between her and him and she may also have emails etc between the agent/mortgage adviser and him. It may be worth contacting a divorce solicitor to run this by them though.
jwilf · 01/04/2022 14:59

I think what's really going on here is he doesn't want you leaving the house without his knowledge.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 15:00

@Nancydrawn

Two big, important things, OP:

First, stay safe. He doesn't sound like someone who will take divorce well. It's a dangerous time. That doesn't mean stay with him, it means take advice and stay safe when leaving him.

Second, when you get yourself therapy, get your daughters therapy too. Because they've grown up with incredibly toxic relationship modeling, and they've clearly been impacted by it (as your daughter's note suggests). They need to know not only the usual things in a divorce, like it isn't their fault and that parental love should be unconditional, but that this isn't the way that relationships are supposed to work and that they don't have to accept this in future relationships themselves.

This isn't by any means me casting any aspersions on you: just to say that you aren't the only one being abused. Your kids are being abused, too, and they'll need some intervention to learn to cope with it well.

Apsoluely this is true. My poor little girls. I see it in them, how they look at him for approval before giving their opinion when he is around, how different they are when he isnt. I wish I could have seen it before and protected them from him. Its almost a thing to stop me leaving as they will be stuck with him some of the time and I wont be there to manage it. I have spent their lives telling them they can be and do anything and raising them up without realising my actions have been taring them right back down
OP posts:
cheninblanc · 01/04/2022 15:05

My ex husband used to do this. As I worked shifts I had to drive out of my way after nursery drop off to give him a key most work days. I had a lovely exciting job and he hated it and was insecure. He got the message when he went away on a boys trip and I was out with the children, demanding to know why I wasn't home when he returned! I ignored it and carried on my day and he fell asleep in the garden hungover and got horribly sunburnt. Never did it again and I divorced him a year later. It was a about control and where I was

Silversprinkles · 01/04/2022 15:09

@NdefH81 why are you being so damn nosy and asking op to justify the situation? All these questions about the property - why? Are you troll hunting or just don't believe such shitty controlling men exist? Believe me they do, I work with women every day who have left horrible circumstances.

OP please don't feel obliged to answer ANY of these questions if you don't want to. That poster has no right to your information if you don't want to explain.

Coyoacan · 01/04/2022 15:16

I love your sense of humour, OP. I just don't understand what you ever saw in that man.

I'm rooting for you

ChristmasFluff · 01/04/2022 15:18

Questioning people who act in a way that is so contrary to their own interests is fully justified. Being faced with a plain question will often show someone something they have been missing.

Just like 'why don't you leave?' helped me, because it made me wonder - why didn't I?

But no, let's pussyfoot around women and infantilise them as 'victims'.

Asking people to look at their questionable decisions is no more 'victim blaming' than getting people to look at their home security. Except we are not allowed to do it, because 'victim blaming'.

Well I still choose to not go down dark alleyways at night, and no amount of perpetrator accountability will change that perfectly sensible precaution

JinglingHellsBells · 01/04/2022 15:20

Two words

decree nisi

followed by

decree absolute

That is your answer

GertieWooster · 01/04/2022 15:22

Posters who don't understand the thought processes of this man have likely never lived with one like him. It's not his "trust" in the OP, it's his absolute sense of superiority; he simply cannot imagine the OP as an individual capable of her own decision making. He's sought complete control and thinks he's accomplished it - after all he was even caught cheating - twice - he is all powerful.

Good luck OP and keep your wits about you. The peace of mind you'll feel when you're free of this man is wonderful - take it from one who knows Thanks

REignbow · 01/04/2022 15:24

I’m pleased to read that you have had your light bulb moment and are planning to leave.

Because he appears so blinded by his brilliance and assumes that you are his devoted punchbag, I would use this time to plan, plan, plan.

Firstly, you must try to keep everything at home and your reactions as normal as possible, because if you suddenly start to behave differently this may alert him.

Secondly, start to collect/take photographs of all important documents. Hide passports/BC.

Thirdly, you really do need to see a solicitor. I would also call WA and rights of women for advice.

ForthLy, tell people in RL. Can you hide clothing at a relatives house.

You said that your MIL/BIL are neighbours. Could they alert him of your whereabouts?

AlternativePerspective · 01/04/2022 15:27

I don’t see this as op has kept a log of the transaction between her and him and she may also have emails etc between the agent/mortgage adviser and him. It may be worth contacting a divorce solicitor to run this by them though. but as he’s taken out the property in her name then there won’t be emails between him and anyone. In fact it’s possible he has the OP’s email details and has used her account to exchange any correspondence.

Added to which the new house will be a marital asset so he will be entitled to half the equity.

I absolutely agree that the OP should leave but this new house purchase has disaster written all over it.

Lookingoutside · 01/04/2022 15:28

‘get a key safe. they secure to the wall and only open with a code. that way, he wont have to carry a key ever and you wont have to be at his beck and call to let him in.’

Get a book about domestic violence. Read the bits about psychological abuse and coercive control.

silverbubbles · 01/04/2022 15:36

Do not facilitate this sort of behaviour