Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:10

@NdefH81

So the deposit

He legally “gifted it” to you?

So he really is doubly stupid

He’s given you a property and put down a very sizeable deposit on it - and even legally confirmed that it’s a gift

Yup. But its because he is so utterly convinced I'll never ever leave him that he doesnt see it as being stupid because its mine therefore it's his.
OP posts:
NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 14:10

But he didn’t need to do this
No benefit at all
So he did it… why?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:13

There is a reason it was in my name and not his that I havent explained, but didnt think it important. Surely if I kept the house in my name and rented it, I could then find a rental and live there with my kids until the mortgage is up and then change it to regular mortgage?? It is odd but most things he does are, I initially thought he knew best so never questioned it and now I know better than to question what he does. He wouldn't tell me anyway.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/04/2022 14:16

This is kind of funny, in a twisted way. He's actually engineered it so that you've got the money, you've got a house in your name and you've got the house keys.

It's pretty clear who's actually in control here. What if you just decided to stop putting up with his shit? What's he going to do? Stand outside and wish there was a doorbell?

mnetting · 01/04/2022 14:16

Could you get him an electronic man flap?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:17

@Nat94

Surey this is a joke or your husband lacks mental capacity.
Not a joke. I think he just has a superiority complex and thinks nothing will ever befall him. Apparent ly his genetics were so superior he could never catch covid, my insignificant genes could (neither of us did) until late last year. He went on at me for ages how my insignificant Genes had now caught it this proving his superiority and he laughed for days while I was ill (so were the kids so dont know his thoughts on their genes) then he caught it, but still he was better as he was less ill..... didnt even bring me so much as a glass of water while I was Ill
OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:18

@RedRobyn2021

He should get a key box, you know one with a code? Then he can lock up and put them in the box.

It's not reasonable to expect you to be around at his beck and call, he's a grown man 🙄

I think what is reasonable is the last thing on his mind!! It is reasonable to him to expect that of me as I am his wife servant and any request he makes should be my pleasure to serve.
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/04/2022 14:20

Not a joke. I think he just has a superiority complex and thinks nothing will ever befall him. Apparent ly his genetics were so superior he could never catch covid, my insignificant genes could (neither of us did) until late last year. He went on at me for ages how my insignificant Genes had now caught it this proving his superiority and he laughed for days while I was ill (so were the kids so dont know his thoughts on their genes) then he caught it, but still he was better as he was less ill..... didnt even bring me so much as a glass of water while I was Ill

Quite apart from his abusiveness and cruelty, he's just a straight up fucking loony. How did he get like this? What pod did he hatch out of? Are you aware that he's an actual bloody lunatic?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 01/04/2022 14:20

Is this an April Fools' joke ?! Confused

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:20

@NdefH81

But he didn’t need to do this No benefit at all So he did it… why?
Because he wanted something immediately and couldnt immediately get it (due to a factor out of his control) but I could as the factor didnt affect me, so he just put it in my name so he could have exactly what he wanted when he wanted it. It doesnt matter to him that it's in my name as what's mine is in reality his and I have nothing.
OP posts:
NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 14:23

It’s the gift of the entire deposit though
Legally formalised that you don’t owe him anything which is odd

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:23

@DrSbaitso

This is kind of funny, in a twisted way. He's actually engineered it so that you've got the money, you've got a house in your name and you've got the house keys.

It's pretty clear who's actually in control here. What if you just decided to stop putting up with his shit? What's he going to do? Stand outside and wish there was a doorbell?

Yes it is. I have it all and he has fuck all and he knows. He knows I've always been too good for him that's why he has broken me down to nothing. The only reason I'm with him is because I couldn't see it. I think stand outside and wish there was a door bell is all he can do!!
OP posts:
Cabbagepie · 01/04/2022 14:24

Do not put up with this. If he does not want to carry a key then he needs to sort a key safe. I share the concern of other posters that this relationship is abusive otherwise I would suggest you let him be locked out a few times and switch off your phone so you cannot be called back.

LittleOwl153 · 01/04/2022 14:25

He sounds like a nightmare - but do take care. You are in the most dangerous point of the escape plan once he has any inkling as to what is going on.

The simplest way to sort out the house is surely to go to the bank ask what has been set up, what are the terms and look to see what you could change it to if things change. Banks are used to this kind of relationship breakdown - its not unusual for things to change at the point of a house move. Also speak to the solicitor involved and ensure that they deal with only you and that there is no conflict of interest there either. They may be able to save you from the stamp duty last minute if you are honest with them - as well as getting all the correct paperwork sorted.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:25

@NdefH81

It’s the gift of the entire deposit though Legally formalised that you don’t owe him anything which is odd
Yes, and I laughed inside as he signed it over to me. As I didnt know it was a thing until I saw the paperwork and he has no clue what so ever that I'm going to screw him over.
OP posts:
sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 01/04/2022 14:25

hat's mine is in reality his and I have nothing.

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend only for as long as you stay within this remit. Legally things are entirely different!

Are you ok?

Lookingoutside · 01/04/2022 14:25

‘he laughed for days while I was ill’

I skipped to the last page to check that you are leaving him.

You are leaving him, yes?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:26

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking

Is this an April Fools' joke ?! Confused
Would be nice if it was and I could say april fools and find I'm actually in a relationship with someone lovely.... or just plain alone would be nice!!
OP posts:
sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 01/04/2022 14:28

Have you heard of the freedom programme? It might be worth taking a look. It might help you to identify abusive behaviours and can offer pathways to other support.

Do you have people in rl who you can lean on? Please be careful

HomeHomeInTheRange · 01/04/2022 14:28

@wtfisgoingonhere21

Get a key safe on the side of the house.

And put a note in it alongside the key telling him he's a knob

Tell him to get a key safe on the side of the house!

Same note, though.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:28

@DrSbaitso

Not a joke. I think he just has a superiority complex and thinks nothing will ever befall him. Apparent ly his genetics were so superior he could never catch covid, my insignificant genes could (neither of us did) until late last year. He went on at me for ages how my insignificant Genes had now caught it this proving his superiority and he laughed for days while I was ill (so were the kids so dont know his thoughts on their genes) then he caught it, but still he was better as he was less ill..... didnt even bring me so much as a glass of water while I was Ill

Quite apart from his abusiveness and cruelty, he's just a straight up fucking loony. How did he get like this? What pod did he hatch out of? Are you aware that he's an actual bloody lunatic?

I am now.... just annoyingly took 20 years to figure it out!!! I'm not sure how it happend. A culmination of being a spoilt little prince and a narcissist I think probably started it off...
OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 14:30

@Lookingoutside

‘he laughed for days while I was ill’

I skipped to the last page to check that you are leaving him.

You are leaving him, yes?

I can honestly say I'm making my plan and will be skipping off in to the sunset at my first opportunity.
OP posts:
PaddingtonStareBare · 01/04/2022 14:32

Er? I'm sorry but what the fuck? I was already in 'What a dickhead' type territory after your first few posts but reading the comment on not being allowed to wear jogging bottoms at home at the risk of him being unattracted to me, shit that would have me doing a bulk order Sports Direct in the hope he would fuck off and find someone else!
Start saying No, I know it's hard to get started but once you do the first time it will get easier and you'll get stronger at affirming your plans to end it.

DrSbaitso · 01/04/2022 14:32

Take the kids, the light bulbs, the toilet roll and the milk in the fridge with you.

billy1966 · 01/04/2022 14:32

Make sure you bring anything you like with you to the new house.

Make sure you tell 101 that you are leaving an abusive relationship and put a marker on your new address.

Make sure when you leave you tell him that the police are aware that you have fled an abusive relationship.

Remember to tell family and friends that you have fled an abusive relationship.

Men like your husband who have huge egos absolutely hate when the police/family/friends/neighbours and authorities are informed about their behaviour.

Tell the neighbours you are leaving too that you have fled years of abuse.

Shine the light on him.
It is often the worst thing you can do to them.