Pregnant and broken relationship with ILs, have I been unreasonable?

Mosaic123 · 29/03/2022 00:18

I think it will be difficult to keep the baby away from them but they should be doing their best to keep on your good side.

If they start to break boundaries you may have to think again.

sandgrown · 29/03/2022 00:25

I know they may be thoughtless but they are just as much your baby’s grandparents as your parents are . Let them see baby briefly when she is born then ask for space to get used to baby with just your DH .

chelle0 · 29/03/2022 00:44

Stand your ground. Your baby, your choice. Shitty people shouldn't be allowed to get away with being shit. My mil has seen my daughter once and she's 17 months, she was horrific just after I gave birth and hell would freeze over before I would let her be a permanent fixture in my daughters life.

litlealligator · 29/03/2022 07:29

They sound extremely inconsiderate. Perhaps insist that as they can't be trusted to test for Covid/not visit if they're ill, all visits for the first few weeks while baby is especially vulnerable have to be short outdoor visits.

girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 07:35

Honestly, I think you're being too harsh about the covid thing.

It's been a long, hard 2 years and realistically they haven't done anything wrong. Yeah they could've tested and cancelled the weekend but there's no legal requirement anymore and everyone needs to use their own judgment.

She did think. She thought "it'd be shit to lose out on this nice weekend away and everyone will be ok if they get it." She made a choice. It's not a choice you agree with but I don't think it's worth all the animosity either.

Have any of their other grandchildren ever come to any harm in their care?

Porridgeislife · 29/03/2022 07:53

I don’t agree @girlmom21. I’m also pregnant and we are warned endlessly by the midwives that Covid can be dangerous in the third trimester. Furthermore had the OP gone into early labour, being Covid positive would have caused an extra layer of stress in hospital.

The last few weeks of pregnancy are tough enough as it is, why would you risk adding Covid to it? It’s completely thoughtless & self-absorbed.

OP, I’m not sure what the answer is but it will be tricky to keep her away. But I don’t think you should tolerate her overstepping boundaries - eg. if she expresses her disappointment at a girl post birth have some stock lines “we are so grateful she’s here & healthy, her sex doesn’t matter”. The inappropriate gifts will be hard but I’ve found it easiest to say thanks & put it in the loft.

girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 07:58

@Porridgeislife I had a baby last year and the midwife didn't mention covid at all, apart from to say if I had it when I went into labour I'd have to give birth alone.

OP said herself she didn't ask them to test even though she knew they'd been exposed to covid so she clearly wasn't that worried.

Restricting access to their grandchildren because of that is cruel.

SunflowerTed · 29/03/2022 08:01

@TashieWoo

This could be long so apologies in advance!

I’m 35 weeks pregnant with mine and DP’s first child and in the last few weeks have begun to feel even more protective of my baby, and thinking about how I am going to ensure she’s kept safe when she is born - ensuring nobody kisses her, kept away from smoking etc. All sensible things.

I’ve also been concerned about my ILs (particularly MIL) and setting boundaries. MIL made it clear she wanted a boy as she has 4 granddaughters already (only 2 biological) and was disappointed when she found out we were having a little girl but I just ignored that, and have ignored the subsequent anecdotal evidence of scans being wrong. She has also said that she wants to know as soon as I’m going into labour so she can come down, and has gone on about wanting to bond with the baby and see her within a few days. I just feel suffocated. She has criticised things I’ve bought for the baby (sensory stuff she doesn’t understand, and the monitor because it was too expensive), whilst buying her things that are totally inappropriate.

Anyway, this is all trivial compared to what happened a couple of weeks ago. ILs booked to take DP and I away for the weekend for DP’s 40th birthday, all very nice. However in the days leading up to the weekend they were looking after their 11yo granddaughter while her parents were away for a few days, and in that time she tested positive for covid. They didn’t isolate from her even though her mum told them to (not easy I know), and then came to us without testing. I didn’t ask them to test but did a test myself in private before we went, I’m kicking myself for not asking them to test and I know that was wrong, but they were in our house then (they lied and said that they only found out their granddaughter had covid when they were on their way to our house) and I wanted to make an effort, knowing that my dislike for them was probably a bit irrational.

Anyway we all started feeling unwell and tested positive on the Sunday, them in the morning and DP & I in the evening. They are vaccinated but they are also covid deniers now and fed up with the rules so they didn’t isolate and still went out for a pub lunch afterwards whilst DP and I isolated from them. I was so cross, I didn’t need covid at 34 weeks pregnant, was worried about the baby and just so angry at their ignorance and lack of consideration. The following day when we were due to go home I just didn’t speak to MIL and when she said she didn’t think and started crying, I just told her I didn’t want to hear it. I’ve been thinking about keeping my baby safe for 7 months and she was just careless. I was pretty unwell for 10 days, luckily baby seems unaffected. My mum also caught it from them as we went out for dinner the night they came to us, she was pretty unwell too.

Since then I’ve not spoken to ILs and made it clear to DP I need time and that I am not happy with them. I have enough on my plate without worrying about what they think, I’m just sad for DP that he’s having to manage both relationships, which he’s accepted. Essentially I don’t want them with my baby unless they’re supervised and I don’t want them coming as soon as she’s born. I can’t trust them, and I don’t want her to get needlessly hurt and for MIL to say “I didn’t think” and expect me to be fine with it. I know accidents happen but she is careless and to put it bluntly, pretty thick.

But have I taken this too far and should I back down a bit, to help DP? I would happily never see them again, they don’t add anything positive to my life, but then I think it is cruel to not let them see the baby. My parents are going to be pretty involved and I don’t want DP to resent that either, even though he has a good relationship with them. I just need some advice with navigating this.

Thanks in advance x

I mean this in the nicest way - you’re taking this too far. You’re causing a rift due to their thoughtlessness. There’s obviously history and this Covid situation is the straw that broke the camels back. Do you really want to deprive your child of her grandparents and cause your partner stress and making him choose? Not nice at all. You don’t have to like them but you can tolerate them

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2022 08:15

If they’re too difficult for you to deal with it will be the same deal for your child too. His mothers already expressed disappointment over the fact you’re having a daughter and her behaviour since then has been appalling too.

Does your man have your back here or is he a wet lettuce when it comes to his parents, his mother in particular?

Maintain firm and consistently applied boundaries, start as you mean to go on. You certainly do not have to tolerate nasty people like this because you would not tolerate this from a friend.

Porcupineintherough · 29/03/2022 08:18

I dont agree with the above, I think infecting you with a virus known to be dangerous to pregnant women and for which there was an easily available test is shit. Add that to the other stuff and I think it's about time they had their wings clipped when it comes to your family. That doesnt mean you have to be at war but its past time that you started setting down a few ground rules and they need to understand that they have to listen and think.

Mumdiva99 · 29/03/2022 08:21

With the nicest sentiment I can. Pregnancy and hormones can impact however react to certain situations and making decisions now may not be the best.

I would also be annoyed they didn't tell you about the neice and covid. However, if you all came down with it on the same day surely it's unlikely to be the neice. Or the parents would have got it first? Then they would have passed it to you afterwards....

Have the baby and later on work out your feelings to them.

Original poster

TashieWoo · 29/03/2022 08:26

Thank you for the replies, I appreciate some perspective on the situation and the mix of opinions.

@girlmom21 I was worried but I didn’t ask them to test because they’d already arrived when they told me even though they’d known for a few days that they’d been exposed, and I wanted to make an effort with them, and to try to get over not liking them for my partner & child’s sake.

It had been eating me up inside a bit and I thought I was being unreasonable to feel how I did, ie offended by the comments they had previously made on my appearance, offended by their criticisms of what I’d bought the baby, gender disappointment and general ignorance. MIL is also pressuring DP to rehome the cats, for no particular reason. But the covid situation on top of this, the straw that has broken the camel’s back, has made me think I should have trusted my instincts more in the first place.

They have a careless attitude and haven’t actually apologised, they have made it all about them - they think they are outcasted now and hope I don’t dislike them for the rest of my life. All going to extremes. MIL has made my pregnancy all about her too, saying when she’s going to meet the baby, referring to her as “our baby”, saying she wants to bond with her… I don’t know where I fit in all of this.

They haven’t reached out to my mum to see how she is, which is bad form as well I think. My mum is furious but would have appreciated a message.

So with all their bleating, they haven’t tried to stay on my good side @Mosaic123.

I am not going to not let them see the baby, that would be cruel for them and DP (he is my main concern in all of this, I don’t want him to be upset) but they need firm boundaries.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 29/03/2022 08:35

You’re taking all this a bit too far - and you’re conflating things, I think. Yes, you have every right to be angry that they didn’t tell you about their granddaughter with Covid. They should’ve told you before they came to our house to let you make your own decision about that. But you’ve made your point there. Seeing the baby is entirely different and it’s a bit cruel to use this as a stick to beat them with. It’s also not fair to your DH, whom you say has a good relationship with his mum and dad. Your DD is his baby too and he gets a say too. Give it a few days to calm down and you may feel better about it all.

Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 08:35

Do you suffer from anxiety at all? It’s unusual to spend seven months thinking about how to keep a baby safe and how to not have family kiss them, which potentially indicates there is something else at play causing your reaction?

Yes they were inconsiderate and did a silly thing, but you’re taking it too far, which I think you know. The question is what’s causing you to do this?

girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 08:39

They haven’t reached out to my mum to see how she is, which is bad form as well I think. My mum is furious but would have appreciated a message.

But why? Are they normally close? Do they talk regularly? Has your mom called to see how they are?

You didn't answer the question about whether any of the other grandchildren have ever come to any harm in their care.

Original poster

TashieWoo · 29/03/2022 08:42

@Laptopsandmouses I have horses and they can be quite quirky, and so keeping the baby safe from anything to do with them has been a consideration. And I have made arrangements to ensure she is kept safe. I don’t have major anxiety but I am very careful and considerate, about everything really, and so it frustrates me when others are not.

However I don’t make a big thing of being anxious as I know they will use that as a stick to beat me with, and to minimise their behaviours. I think it’s quite normal to not want people to kiss your newborn baby or for smokers to be near them.

OP posts:

EveryCloudIsGrey · 29/03/2022 08:42

Why is your anger directed at your MIL and not both your in laws? They've obviously been stupid and selfish but your reaction of punishing them is not something I'd do. I think you are being very unkind and unpleasant. Not speaking to them is a childish and nasty thing to do. It must be awful for your husband and your in laws. Is that how you normally deal with conflicts?

Some of your reasons for hating(?) your mother in law are silly. Her calling your baby 'our baby' is really naff and really irritating but it's not part of a reason to hate her so much.
I also think it's weird that you are so angry at their carelessness when you didn't even ask them to test?

I'm not surprised they haven't messaged your Mum when you are behaving like this they must be confused about what they should do.

You are right to be annoyed at them but you way you are dealing with it is very unpleasant.

Original poster

TashieWoo · 29/03/2022 08:43

@girlmom21 they are reasonably friendly and message every so often, exchange Christmas and birthday cards. I don’t think my mum should have had to message them as it wasn’t her fault they were unwell!

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 08:47

[quote TashieWoo]@girlmom21 they are reasonably friendly and message every so often, exchange Christmas and birthday cards. I don’t think my mum should have had to message them as it wasn’t her fault they were unwell![/quote]
Its not their fault she was unwell either. I've had covid with no symptoms. Almost everyone in the country has had it at some point. Its almost inevitable.

This attitude towards it is so strange. Your mom being furious explains a lot about your approach IMO. Its all very exaggerated and dramatic.

They're your child's grandparents. They're in your life for the long haul. Stop sweating the small stuff.

Still no answer on whether any of the other grandchildren have ever come to any harm so I'm gonna go with 'no'. There's no reason to think they'd be unsafe around your child.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 29/03/2022 08:51

@girlmom21

Honestly, I think you're being too harsh about the covid thing.

It's been a long, hard 2 years and realistically they haven't done anything wrong. Yeah they could've tested and cancelled the weekend but there's no legal requirement anymore and everyone needs to use their own judgment.

She did think. She thought "it'd be shit to lose out on this nice weekend away and everyone will be ok if they get it." She made a choice. It's not a choice you agree with but I don't think it's worth all the animosity either.

Have any of their other grandchildren ever come to any harm in their care?

Surely their is a moral requirement and it’s certainly guidance to do so, especially when visiting people who are vulnerable as the OP.

If she had been in contact with someone with covid then she should have tested but you should have also asked.
Covid is no ones fault though.

MoggyP · 29/03/2022 08:58

if you tested positive on Sunday, assuming its Omicron you caught it between Wednesday and Friday, so it wont have been from them
spending 7 months prioritising your as yet unborn baby's safety is not a typical thought pattern by any stretch
are the presents really inappropriate (like a 'Daddy only wanted a blow job' babygro) or do you just mean something wouldn't have chosen yourself, but is a perfectly normal baby item (or child item that you'll have to store fir a while) '
why on earth should she 'reach out' to your DMum ? Would you expect that from any other illness or accident (see point 1)

You sound tired and stressed, and with clouded judgement. There isn't an easy fix to that, but talk to your MW (or leader of antenatal classes, or some other suitable person) about how tough you're finding it. They won't be able to wave a magic wand, but they may be abject to help. And even the acting of talking about how you feel might be of value.

Please don't cut your DC off from her grandparents.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 29/03/2022 08:58

I haven't read all the replies but...yanu to let them know they have overstepped and to put firm boundaries in place. But i don't think they deserve to be denied a relationship with your baby when she arrives.

Absolutely have boundaries in place for when and how long they can visit after baby is born.

GodspeedJune · 29/03/2022 09:05

I imagine the background is lots of issues with them and this is the straw that broke the camels back?

Regardless of the law risking passing covid on to you (knowingly) is utterly selfish and irresponsible.

Just because they want to be told when you’re in labour just mean you have to comply. DP can tell them when the baby arrives and that you all need time to get settled at home before visits.

GrowBabyGrow · 29/03/2022 09:05

I think it is completely reasonable to say to your ILs that you don't want them to come as soon as the baby is born. It is clear that they aren't the best people for you to be around when you've just given birth! Your MIL sounds like she is quite narcissistic and I can imagine why you would be considering not wanting her around full stop but now might not be the best time to make that call. I think you can reasonably say that you want a week or so before they come visit and they will have to LFT and only come if they are completely well once the baby is here. She won't have an immune system and not letting people with colds, covid etc be in contact with a newborn is a reasonable (and normal) request. Will your DP be a support in setting these boundaries? That will be vital

In terms of PP saying that when they had babies last year covid safety wasn't really mentioned or that we have to just 'live with it', with all due respect that is completely irrelevant. This is a new virus that we are still learning about and a huge amount of recent research shows the risk to pregnant women and their babies who get it especially in third tri. Living with covid doesn't mean travelling as a known contact to spread it to a vulnerable pregnant woman, it means cancelling your visit to protect your loved ones! OP you have every right to be furious with both your ILs for this.

mum11970 · 29/03/2022 09:06

I take it you do realise they didn’t give you Covid if you both you and your in laws started to feel ill at the same time and tested positive within hours of each other and with 24 hours of meeting up. You’re blaming the wrong person for your Covid, you must have been exposed days before you showed symptoms.