Pregnant and broken relationship with ILs, have I been unreasonable?

[TashieWoo]

This could be long so apologies in advance!

I’m 35 weeks pregnant with mine and DP’s first child and in the last few weeks have begun to feel even more protective of my baby, and thinking about how I am going to ensure she’s kept safe when she is born - ensuring nobody kisses her, kept away from smoking etc. All sensible things.

I’ve also been concerned about my ILs (particularly MIL) and setting boundaries. MIL made it clear she wanted a boy as she has 4 granddaughters already (only 2 biological) and was disappointed when she found out we were having a little girl but I just ignored that, and have ignored the subsequent anecdotal evidence of scans being wrong. She has also said that she wants to know as soon as I’m going into labour so she can come down, and has gone on about wanting to bond with the baby and see her within a few days. I just feel suffocated. She has criticised things I’ve bought for the baby (sensory stuff she doesn’t understand, and the monitor because it was too expensive), whilst buying her things that are totally inappropriate.

Anyway, this is all trivial compared to what happened a couple of weeks ago. ILs booked to take DP and I away for the weekend for DP’s 40th birthday, all very nice. However in the days leading up to the weekend they were looking after their 11yo granddaughter while her parents were away for a few days, and in that time she tested positive for covid. They didn’t isolate from her even though her mum told them to (not easy I know), and then came to us without testing. I didn’t ask them to test but did a test myself in private before we went, I’m kicking myself for not asking them to test and I know that was wrong, but they were in our house then (they lied and said that they only found out their granddaughter had covid when they were on their way to our house) and I wanted to make an effort, knowing that my dislike for them was probably a bit irrational.

Anyway we all started feeling unwell and tested positive on the Sunday, them in the morning and DP & I in the evening. They are vaccinated but they are also covid deniers now and fed up with the rules so they didn’t isolate and still went out for a pub lunch afterwards whilst DP and I isolated from them. I was so cross, I didn’t need covid at 34 weeks pregnant, was worried about the baby and just so angry at their ignorance and lack of consideration. The following day when we were due to go home I just didn’t speak to MIL and when she said she didn’t think and started crying, I just told her I didn’t want to hear it. I’ve been thinking about keeping my baby safe for 7 months and she was just careless. I was pretty unwell for 10 days, luckily baby seems unaffected. My mum also caught it from them as we went out for dinner the night they came to us, she was pretty unwell too.

Since then I’ve not spoken to ILs and made it clear to DP I need time and that I am not happy with them. I have enough on my plate without worrying about what they think, I’m just sad for DP that he’s having to manage both relationships, which he’s accepted. Essentially I don’t want them with my baby unless they’re supervised and I don’t want them coming as soon as she’s born. I can’t trust them, and I don’t want her to get needlessly hurt and for MIL to say “I didn’t think” and expect me to be fine with it. I know accidents happen but she is careless and to put it bluntly, pretty thick.

But have I taken this too far and should I back down a bit, to help DP? I would happily never see them again, they don’t add anything positive to my life, but then I think it is cruel to not let them see the baby. My parents are going to be pretty involved and I don’t want DP to resent that either, even though he has a good relationship with them. I just need some advice with navigating this.

Thanks in advance x

If I had asked them to test and/or leave that would have caused a massive scene, and it would have been the same if I’d told my mum & family not to come.

This doesn't make sense to me.

If you knew they'd been exposed to covid, but chose not to protect yourself, your unborn baby or your family, because you didn't want to cause a scene, why are you happy to do it when the baby's born when they no longer pose any risk?

It feels like an excuse and a punishment.

It's very hard to tell people who are actually there in your house, to go home. Especially when they've spent money on something which was supposed to be nice, such as their son's birthday. Not everyone can be that blunt. OP should never have been put in that position in the first place.

And tbh, people who are that selfish and irresponsible deserve to experience consequences - it won't change how they think but it will change how they behave!

@ImAvingOops

It's very hard to tell people who are actually there in your house, to go home. Especially when they've spent money on something which was supposed to be nice, such as their son's birthday. Not everyone can be that blunt. OP should never have been put in that position in the first place.

But even if she didn't tell them to go home she could've said "oh ok - well you're here now but I'll let my mom know not to come as there's no point us putting her at risk too" without causing friction or upset

Yes, she could have. That was daft, but she probably felt stuck in the moment and didn't think it through.
I'd be really upset if my relatives have done this to me and I wouldn't want to see them either. And I wouldn't want them thinking, after knowingly exposing me to illness, that they could just swan in and see my baby whenever it suited them either. Yes there would be an element of punishment in that, as well as protectiveness for my baby. I'd want them to get the message that I don't just exist to facilitate whatever they want.
My in-laws used to drive me mad by just turning up on their day off unannounced and then spend all day in my house, monopolising my baby and having total disregard for whether I actually wanted them there all day. I had to get dh to have a very awkward conversation about phoning first and coming at mutually agreed times. It was horrible and a little bit of thought and a bit less selfishness would have made me resent them a lot less. This kind of behaviour ruins relationships and the OPs in-laws haven't done much to endear themselves already.

@girlmom21 the baby might not be at risk of covid when she’s born, but she will be at risk of plenty of other things that PILs could introduce and lie about in a similar way, which is why the boundaries need to be in place.

Mine had no concept that their Alsatian was jealous and a threat to my baby - there was a lot of minimising. My mil loved my dc very much but would never say no. I'd visit their house and walk in a room to see her letting him play with pin cushions and pull bottles. Yes she was supervising him but who thinks those are reasonable things to let a toddler do? Plus the careless stuff like walking the buggy in the middle of the road, ignoring perfectly good pavements.
I never left my dc unattended with my in-laws but I was made to feel like the problematic one by wider family, but safety is paramount, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Ignore posters who say you'll be wanting their help at some point. It wasn't the case for me - it was hard trying to tactfully not leave my dc in their grandparents care at all, but I still think it was the right choice. They would have have totally undermined me as well.

[quote TashieWoo]@girlmom21 the baby might not be at risk of covid when she’s born, but she will be at risk of plenty of other things that PILs could introduce and lie about in a similar way, which is why the boundaries need to be in place.[/quote]
Exactly, this is what is being minimised here. There are lots of stories on MN about grandparents taking upon themselves to decide certain things aren't risks - such as their badly behaved animals, taking children in cars without car seats, kissing with cold sores. I think it's natural to worry about such things after the obvious lack of judgment, and disregard for your wishes, that was their decision about visiting with Covid.

[quote TashieWoo]@girlmom21 the baby might not be at risk of covid when she’s born, but she will be at risk of plenty of other things that PILs could introduce and lie about in a similar way, which is why the boundaries need to be in place.[/quote]
And they've never been a risk to their other 4 grandchildren.

I know you've said you won't stop them seeing the baby anyway so DP needs to be very clear about them staying away if they're not 100% I think. They obviously don't take you seriously - rightly or wrongly based on your past examples - so he needs to stand up for you and the baby here.

Thank you all for the replies, I really appreciate every one, regardless of whether they are ‘supportive’ of my stance or not. I have had a lot to think about.

DP has spoken to his parents a couple of times and seen them once (without me, it was a family party and I didn’t feel like seeing them, also I think that with them actions speak louder than words). Essentially they know the relationship is fractured now but all DP wants is for me to be welcoming and civil when they come to see the baby when she’s here. I said that was fine, of course I can do that and I want to support him, understanding the difficulty of his position, but at the time time he needs to realise that I might not be ready to see them in the first week. I want to establish breastfeeding first without MIL interrogating me on how it’s going, to get into some kind of routine and feel better after the birth. Without knowing how that’s going to go I can’t make any promises and I think I have enough to think about at this stage!

He seems ok with that but I think I’ll need to revisit it in the next week or so. It’s very much a case of picking my battles though I think, and being mindful of how he’s feeling.

OP this is like I have written this post myself. Exactly same situation. I am 6 months pregnant. DP is stuck in the middle and he seems to get on with it!! Although you've been given a weekend away- my in laws don't want to know me !! but they are already too much all over my unborn daughter. I'm not having MIL and FIL with my daughter unless I am there as I don't trust them also. It's so sad in laws are like this but they do it because there is no consequences. DP is weak and just sits on the fence.

Back to the post- if they had exposed me and baby to covid I would have flipped my lid. You handled it quite tame!!

He needs to be mindful how you are feeling. I think he is wanting to use you as a buffer here between you and his parents because he cannot and equally will not stand up for his own self, let alone you here. His inertia when it comes to them hurts him as much as it does you.

He would far rather upset you than his parents because he is that afraid of them, particularly his mother, and still wants their approval.

I totally back you, OP. They were disgraceful to still do the weekend knowing they’d been exposed then coughing and lying about allergies-they’re not children! Put good strong boundaries in place now. What is with mil wanting to be there when you give birth? Horrific! The last thing you need is being suffocated having just given birth. I felt desperately sorry for the poster the other day whose pil had visited 10 times in a fortnight, Jesus, I’d run away!

I think it was really bad of them to knowingly expose you to covid when you are pregnant. I can totally understand being upset about that. Realistically in the end I think you’ll need to draw a line under it (when you are ready) as they are your partner’s parents and this incident shouldn’t affect their bond with your child forever. Sounds like you’ve made it clear you’re unhappy (understandably) and I would let them see the baby when you’re ready and on your terms. But, I’d try and move on from this as soon as you’re able to for all your sakes

@girlmom21

If I had asked them to test and/or leave that would have caused a massive scene, and it would have been the same if I’d told my mum & family not to come.

This doesn't make sense to me.

If you knew they'd been exposed to covid, but chose not to protect yourself, your unborn baby or your family, because you didn't want to cause a scene, why are you happy to do it when the baby's born when they no longer pose any risk?

It feels like an excuse and a punishment.

Agree. None of you did the right thing, you all made a mistake but no one is telling you that you can't spend time with your baby because you should have either demanded a test or told them to leave once you realised they were a close contact.

Also, you say the niece's mum told them to isolate away from her, did she not mention to you someone in the family was positive?

Just to clarify, I would be furious if someone put my unborn child at risk however I would have told them to leave immediately. It just seems very hypocritical you don't think she's fit to be around your child when you went along with it so as not to cause a scene.

I will draw a line under it at some point but when I am ready and I am not going to let them put me under any pressure, I have 3.5 weeks until my due date, I’m still working and have enough to think about! And there is no harm in keeping them waiting a bit. If I back down now they will just think everything is ok when it isn’t.

I’m also a bit disappointed with DP because I asked him to ask them to return a couple of my books they’d taken off my shelf (without asking) to take on the weekend away. They could have brought them when they saw him but he didn’t ask… I’m going to ask him to ask them again and if he doesn’t I’ll be sending them a stamped addressed envelope, telling DP what I’m doing. I know that sounds really petty but they all need to know I’m going to take things into my own hands if he doesn’t stand up to them.

@ThistlesAndUnicorns I wouldn’t have expected her mum to say anything as we aren’t very close. She probably thought asking ILs to isolate was enough but clearly not.

She isn’t fit to be around my child because I can’t trust her. Circumstances, ie me being the mother, mean I have to have some trust in myself even though I know I should have asked them to leave.

I agree @Cherrysoup - that poor OP. I hope she is able to put some boundaries in place as her ILs sound worse than mine! At least mine are 2.5 hours away.

@AttilaTheMeerkat DP is generally quite forthright with his parents and he is very
different to them. The problem is that MIL is emotionally manipulated and has carved a little space within her family (FIL and 3 sons) where she is looked after and nothing is expected of her. Things are kept secret from her so she doesn’t get upset as she’s had anxiety in the past, and she’s just seen as a bit useless. Even her own sons call her thick etc. She isn’t particularly respected but she is treated like a fragile little flower at the same time, it’s a bit strange really.

When she speaks to my DP following this incident she starts crying so he has to console her. He usually speaks to her when I’m in a meeting (wfh) but sometimes I can hear what he’s saying. It’s all “don’t worry, don’t worry, you’re still going to be nanny and grandad” etc. I think he just feels torn between us but he did say that I come first. We’ll just have to see when the baby is here, but I will not be pandering to MIL like she’s used to.

*emotionally manipulative, not manipulated

Just wondering how you got on OP? Hopefully all went well with the birth and you have your beautiful DD now. Did your ILs behave? X

How’s your baby now @TashieWoo ?

@Purplefoxes and @Drysocketnooo thank you for the messages 😊, I’m currently BFing my beautiful DD on the sofa, she’s nearly 11 weeks now and a delight 💖. We were in hospital for 5 nights as DD had jaundice but thankfully didn’t require treatment just lots of feeding. She has gone from strength to strength since!

The ILs have been to see her twice, once a couple of days after we got home from hospital and again a couple of weeks ago. MIL hasn’t behaved very well, just your typical overbearing MIL snatching the baby from me, having no boundaries and commenting on my appearance 🙄. I’ve been quite nice (the first visit I was just exhausted) but last time I wasn’t impressed at MIL telling me to stop breastfeeding (for no particular reason) so when DD needed feeding I took her into the other room as I won’t feed with in front of them, and kept her there with me for 1.5 hours when she fell asleep as we both needed a break!

I'd be more forthright with MIL if they lived closer and were around more, but they don’t seem to be that interested in visiting more often, and DP doesn’t seem bothered by that either. I also think that they’ll be less keen when DD becomes older and more opinionated, judging by how they talk about their other granddaughters!