Pregnant and broken relationship with ILs, have I been unreasonable?

[TashieWoo]

This could be long so apologies in advance!

I’m 35 weeks pregnant with mine and DP’s first child and in the last few weeks have begun to feel even more protective of my baby, and thinking about how I am going to ensure she’s kept safe when she is born - ensuring nobody kisses her, kept away from smoking etc. All sensible things.

I’ve also been concerned about my ILs (particularly MIL) and setting boundaries. MIL made it clear she wanted a boy as she has 4 granddaughters already (only 2 biological) and was disappointed when she found out we were having a little girl but I just ignored that, and have ignored the subsequent anecdotal evidence of scans being wrong. She has also said that she wants to know as soon as I’m going into labour so she can come down, and has gone on about wanting to bond with the baby and see her within a few days. I just feel suffocated. She has criticised things I’ve bought for the baby (sensory stuff she doesn’t understand, and the monitor because it was too expensive), whilst buying her things that are totally inappropriate.

Anyway, this is all trivial compared to what happened a couple of weeks ago. ILs booked to take DP and I away for the weekend for DP’s 40th birthday, all very nice. However in the days leading up to the weekend they were looking after their 11yo granddaughter while her parents were away for a few days, and in that time she tested positive for covid. They didn’t isolate from her even though her mum told them to (not easy I know), and then came to us without testing. I didn’t ask them to test but did a test myself in private before we went, I’m kicking myself for not asking them to test and I know that was wrong, but they were in our house then (they lied and said that they only found out their granddaughter had covid when they were on their way to our house) and I wanted to make an effort, knowing that my dislike for them was probably a bit irrational.

Anyway we all started feeling unwell and tested positive on the Sunday, them in the morning and DP & I in the evening. They are vaccinated but they are also covid deniers now and fed up with the rules so they didn’t isolate and still went out for a pub lunch afterwards whilst DP and I isolated from them. I was so cross, I didn’t need covid at 34 weeks pregnant, was worried about the baby and just so angry at their ignorance and lack of consideration. The following day when we were due to go home I just didn’t speak to MIL and when she said she didn’t think and started crying, I just told her I didn’t want to hear it. I’ve been thinking about keeping my baby safe for 7 months and she was just careless. I was pretty unwell for 10 days, luckily baby seems unaffected. My mum also caught it from them as we went out for dinner the night they came to us, she was pretty unwell too.

Since then I’ve not spoken to ILs and made it clear to DP I need time and that I am not happy with them. I have enough on my plate without worrying about what they think, I’m just sad for DP that he’s having to manage both relationships, which he’s accepted. Essentially I don’t want them with my baby unless they’re supervised and I don’t want them coming as soon as she’s born. I can’t trust them, and I don’t want her to get needlessly hurt and for MIL to say “I didn’t think” and expect me to be fine with it. I know accidents happen but she is careless and to put it bluntly, pretty thick.

But have I taken this too far and should I back down a bit, to help DP? I would happily never see them again, they don’t add anything positive to my life, but then I think it is cruel to not let them see the baby. My parents are going to be pretty involved and I don’t want DP to resent that either, even though he has a good relationship with them. I just need some advice with navigating this.

Thanks in advance x

@Severntrent

I don't think it's normal to ban kissing and think that's a bit unreasonable. Wash hands before cuddling but that's all and i wasnt super bothered about that. I think you are going a bit over the top.

It's VERY common practice to avoid kissing babies in this day and age, I'm surprised so many on here think otherwise because people on MN are generally very on top of the medical advice!

There are 217 deaths where Covid is mentioned today. My son's classmate, 14 years old, lost her mother on Saturday. She died of Covid. She was 39.
Current government policies chose the economy and not public health, like it or not. We don't get a choice.
Your MIL made that choice for you and without your consent. She "didn't think" because it was easier not to and she wanted a nice weekend away. She's made a few people sick for days. I wouldn't trust her.

Two red lines here for me - 1. Expressing disappointment about baby’s sex. I got in first with this where my DS2 was concerned making it clear that we would be very happy with a second boy, why wouldn’t we be after what we’d gone through etc. I think no one dared say a thing then.

1. Being extremely inconsiderate and giving you covid in late pregnancy. That level of risk taking is really not acceptable and I wouldn’t class myself as very strict over covid - but I would not place anyone vulnerable at risk.

Other things are irritating but can be dealt with without causing a rift. I think saying ‘our’ baby is probably very common in grandparents. If she said ‘my’ baby that would be unacceptable. I would be tempted to be petty and say that you won’t be planning to have visitors very early after birth because you’re still not well due to covid - although that might well be accurate in any case. If your own mum comes, I would be making it clear to your DH that your mum being there does not cause you stress. I don’t agree with the view that both sets of grandparents get equal access in the early days and I say this as the mother of sons. If I’m lucky enough in the future to be a GM I would expect my son’s wife/partner to feel more comfortable with her mum there and I will wait to be invited and will help not hinder.

Your PIL have behaved really badly , been selfish, stupid and put you abs your baby at risk and risked you having to give birth alone . Awful.
But this is make or break time for your relationship. Be the bigger person . Let them meet the baby briefly , in the first few days and then keep them at arms length with supervised visits.

The Covid thing was pretty awful, considering that you're pregnant and they lied about it. She then you've all been ill as a result. You're reasonable to want space and they should behave better than that.

I would largely ignore the things that are difficult and keep things infrequent enough that you can actually do that. Maybe in time she'll calm down and you can manage more. The important thing is your bond with baby and your mental health as those things are vital for baby. Everything else is a nice add on that can wait.

[quote TashieWoo]@EveryCloudIsGrey it was about 1.5 hours after they arrived[/quote]
So I don’t understand why your Mum still came to the meal? Presumably she was happy to take the risk.

Oops posted under wrong name it should be EveryCloudIsGrey and don’t want to look like I’m sock puppeting . I regularly name change nothing sinister !!!

@EveryCloudIsGrey I didn’t tell her, there wasn’t much time and that would have caused the same kind of row as if I’d asked them to leave. I just didn’t want to make any drama for reasons I’ve already given. I apologised to my mum and she didn’t think I was at fault, she could see the situation I was in. But I regret that too.

So many posts about setting boundaries with IL’s recently 🙄 as so many previous posters have said, this is why IL’s and DIL’s have issues!

They are the child’s grandparents and understandably excited and want to see her! I’d prefer IL’s that actually want to spend time with her than ones that don’t.

We told my IL’s the other week that they were having another grandchild, I didn’t even get a congratulations from FIL, would that make me stop him from seeing baby or setting boundaries? No! Be the bigger person, accept them in yours and your daughters life.

Your FIL sounds ghastly

And being the bigger person here to someone like these people only invites more trouble. They were also horrible to op even before pregnancy,

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Your FIL sounds ghastly

And being the bigger person here to someone like these people only invites more trouble. They were also horrible to op even before pregnancy,

Not ghastly at all, just a man that expresses minimum emotion. I am no snowflake and don’t take offence to everything IL’s do.

Being the bigger person with people like this is more likely to end in a situation where you give an inch and they take a mile. Strong boundaries are what’s needed.

[quote TashieWoo]@EveryCloudIsGrey I didn’t tell her, there wasn’t much time and that would have caused the same kind of row as if I’d asked them to leave. I just didn’t want to make any drama for reasons I’ve already given. I apologised to my mum and she didn’t think I was at fault, she could see the situation I was in. But I regret that too.[/quote]
I don’t buy the lack of time excuse - it would only have taken you a moment to tell your Mum? I think it’s really, really odd that you didn’t. You didn’t want to cause a row then and yet you are very happy to cause a massive row now???

You clearly weren't that fussed about the risk of Covid and it’s only because you and your Mum actually caught it that you are retrospectively being angry about it. Is it because you feel guilty?
It’s telling that your Mum is furious at your in laws but fine with you not telling her.

@SunflowerTed

I think you need to relax a bit and try and be a bit more rational in your thinking. Being a hugely overprotective parent isn’t going to be healthy as you will pass on your own anxieties to the child

Agreed, the parents in law may well be careless, over-stepping bellends but the OP sounds very previous and overdramatic (as do some posters). I think it's a very bad combination, this is not going to be an easy journey to navigate.

Precious obviously.. ..

Well i guess things have moved on in the baby kissing area (even without covid) since i had a newborn although i note the nhs only recommends people with active cold sores refrain.
However i hope you understand that a grandparent wanting to kiss their gc comes from love and not because they are an uncaring monster, and explain your reasons kindly.
Not sharing the covid contact was bad but you see yourself why that doesn't always happen - you could easily have told your mum!
Somethings you'll have to let go, eg buying (in your opinion) unsuitable things, sharing their tips (what they might see as helpful advice given they successfully raised your dh) which you may find outdated. And understanding why they are keen to see their new grandchild. Doing so will make for a much nicer, joyous time with the new addition to the family.

[quote TashieWoo]@Laptopsandmouses I have horses and they can be quite quirky, and so keeping the baby safe from anything to do with them has been a consideration. And I have made arrangements to ensure she is kept safe. I don’t have major anxiety but I am very careful and considerate, about everything really, and so it frustrates me when others are not.

However I don’t make a big thing of being anxious as I know they will use that as a stick to beat me with, and to minimise their behaviours. I think it’s quite normal to not want people to kiss your newborn baby or for smokers to be near them.[/quote]
Apart from cold sores and on lips it has never occurred to me or any of my family to stop people kissing babies.

Only ever been a thing on MN for me

[quote TashieWoo]www.pedseast.com/blog/posts/the-dangers-of-kissing-babies[/quote]
My DF didn't kiss my babies as he often had cold sores so we knew not to.

I don't suffer from them. Should I not have kissed my DGC?

[quote TashieWoo]@EveryCloudIsGrey I didn’t tell her, there wasn’t much time and that would have caused the same kind of row as if I’d asked them to leave. I just didn’t want to make any drama for reasons I’ve already given. I apologised to my mum and she didn’t think I was at fault, she could see the situation I was in. But I regret that too.[/quote]
A very poor supposed excuse!

If so concerned as you say and if the inlaws were so culpable you're just as bad as them aren't you, if not worse, considering you think that you're morally above them!

I have had times when I felt that we could have been infected, and guess what, I cancelled plans and warned my loved ones who were high risk.

You're making out you're a victim in this, I am of the opinion this is yet another mil bashing thread with you trying to justify why you wish to restrict her access to her grandchild!

I can't believe people are saying you are taking it too far. I completely understand how you feel. I think it is very natural to feel protective of your baby and of course any trust that may have been there before has been broken now that they were so careless. I'd set a time frame after your baby's birth with which you're comfortable (say, no visitors the first week or whatever) and stick to it and ignore their tantrums. They will just continue to walk all over you otherwise. They haven't shown any concern for you whatsoever. As a mother, especially first time mother you deserve so much care and concern, and the first few days and weeks with your baby are so special and precious. I'd advise you to do whatever reduces stress to you during that time so that you can enjoy the time without their interference. Only allow people into that special zone as it were who make you feel valued and cared for. Even if it feels uncomfortable maybe to set boundaries against people like that, I'd worry that allowing them to spoil that time for you would be the bigger regret later on. All the best OP

@WimpoleHat

You’re taking all this a bit too far - and you’re conflating things, I think. Yes, you have every right to be angry that they didn’t tell you about their granddaughter with Covid. They should’ve told you before they came to our house to let you make your own decision about that. But you’ve made your point there. Seeing the baby is entirely different and it’s a bit cruel to use this as a stick to beat them with. It’s also not fair to your DH, whom you say has a good relationship with his mum and dad. Your DD is his baby too and he gets a say too. Give it a few days to calm down and you may feel better about it all.

I don't think OP is using seeing the baby as a 'stick to beat them with'. I think it's inherently difficult and stressful to have people around your tiny newborn who you feel you can't trust. That's the connection between the two issues and it's understandable. Stress is bad for mums and babies in those first few days especially if establishing breastfeeding or recovering from surgery etc

But what was I supposed to do @ChoiceMummy? They had known they’d been exposed to covid for a couple of days and hadn’t told us, and then lied about when they found out. If I had asked them to test and/or leave that would have caused a massive scene, and it would have been the same if I’d told my mum & family not to come. I know I don’t like my MIL much, I will admit to being offended by her in the past (and I am no snowflake) and wanted to make an effort with her, they’d paid for an expensive weekend away, it was DP’s 40th birthday and I didn’t want to ruin it. I was worried about covid which was why I took a discreet test the day after, but of course that was negative. They selfishly backed me into a corner.

I haven't read the whole thread but wow OP your MIL sounds like how my MIL started off! I can't believe some people are saying oh don't be dramatic, would these same people still say the same thing if you or your mum had been on a ventilator or baby had Covid related complications? Wasn't knowingly exposing others to Covid a criminal offence at one stage? Because that is what they did regardless of whether you actually caught it from them, they put their own self interests first other than yours or baby's safety. Sorry I would be as livid as you are. Also what is wrong with spending time thinking about your baby's safety, child proofing the house etc, considering pets, this is called being prepared and being a good parent isn't it? You don't owe your ILs any favours when the baby is born just because you happen to share some genetics, you let them see the baby if and when you are ready to on your and your partner's terms not theirs. They've had their time. Also I cannot believe they would display disappointed at the gender...how cruel! It's not about them, they should be overjoyed to have a grandchild regardless of what sex it is, some don't get any!!! I had the inappropriate gifts with mine, they would not stop, age inappropriate stuff to store until he was FIVE 😳, stuff I had already bought and told them about but they went ahead anyway. Weird possessive behaviour. I thought she had changed but I realised actually I had changed, i.e actually grown a backbone when I had DS and so was less tolerant of her sh*t as it wasn't just me affected anymore. There were various times I felt like there were deliberate attempts to push my buttons for sport so watch out for that one. We had one major incident which like you was a safety/trust issue with DS and it was the final straw. After that I stopped constantly trying to please her and doing 'wife work' for my DH (who has yet to grow a bigger spine) by not reminding him about cards, visits, buying gifts on his behalf, sending photos etc, all the stuff I used to do and contact has naturally decreased. It's sad but it's helped my sanity anyway. Sending you flowers hope you and your mum are feeling better, wishing you an easy birth and an IL free time to bond with your beautiful baby x

I'm 100% with you op

You aren't overreacting and they were not thoughtless - they were deliberately selfish, which is different.
Even with vaccination, if you went into labour early or had some kind of medical complication, having covid means you would be in hospital alone or might be feeling too unwell to look after your baby.

The reason there are so many issues with ILs and boundaries is because so many in-laws completely overstep what is reasonable. They start treating their dil as if she is isn't a person in her own right but someone who can be completely taken over according to the wishes of the grandparents who want unfettered access to the baby. It's rude and in disregarding their dils they cause deep and lasting resentment.