Pregnant and broken relationship with ILs, have I been unreasonable?

[TashieWoo]

This could be long so apologies in advance!

I’m 35 weeks pregnant with mine and DP’s first child and in the last few weeks have begun to feel even more protective of my baby, and thinking about how I am going to ensure she’s kept safe when she is born - ensuring nobody kisses her, kept away from smoking etc. All sensible things.

I’ve also been concerned about my ILs (particularly MIL) and setting boundaries. MIL made it clear she wanted a boy as she has 4 granddaughters already (only 2 biological) and was disappointed when she found out we were having a little girl but I just ignored that, and have ignored the subsequent anecdotal evidence of scans being wrong. She has also said that she wants to know as soon as I’m going into labour so she can come down, and has gone on about wanting to bond with the baby and see her within a few days. I just feel suffocated. She has criticised things I’ve bought for the baby (sensory stuff she doesn’t understand, and the monitor because it was too expensive), whilst buying her things that are totally inappropriate.

Anyway, this is all trivial compared to what happened a couple of weeks ago. ILs booked to take DP and I away for the weekend for DP’s 40th birthday, all very nice. However in the days leading up to the weekend they were looking after their 11yo granddaughter while her parents were away for a few days, and in that time she tested positive for covid. They didn’t isolate from her even though her mum told them to (not easy I know), and then came to us without testing. I didn’t ask them to test but did a test myself in private before we went, I’m kicking myself for not asking them to test and I know that was wrong, but they were in our house then (they lied and said that they only found out their granddaughter had covid when they were on their way to our house) and I wanted to make an effort, knowing that my dislike for them was probably a bit irrational.

Anyway we all started feeling unwell and tested positive on the Sunday, them in the morning and DP & I in the evening. They are vaccinated but they are also covid deniers now and fed up with the rules so they didn’t isolate and still went out for a pub lunch afterwards whilst DP and I isolated from them. I was so cross, I didn’t need covid at 34 weeks pregnant, was worried about the baby and just so angry at their ignorance and lack of consideration. The following day when we were due to go home I just didn’t speak to MIL and when she said she didn’t think and started crying, I just told her I didn’t want to hear it. I’ve been thinking about keeping my baby safe for 7 months and she was just careless. I was pretty unwell for 10 days, luckily baby seems unaffected. My mum also caught it from them as we went out for dinner the night they came to us, she was pretty unwell too.

Since then I’ve not spoken to ILs and made it clear to DP I need time and that I am not happy with them. I have enough on my plate without worrying about what they think, I’m just sad for DP that he’s having to manage both relationships, which he’s accepted. Essentially I don’t want them with my baby unless they’re supervised and I don’t want them coming as soon as she’s born. I can’t trust them, and I don’t want her to get needlessly hurt and for MIL to say “I didn’t think” and expect me to be fine with it. I know accidents happen but she is careless and to put it bluntly, pretty thick.

But have I taken this too far and should I back down a bit, to help DP? I would happily never see them again, they don’t add anything positive to my life, but then I think it is cruel to not let them see the baby. My parents are going to be pretty involved and I don’t want DP to resent that either, even though he has a good relationship with them. I just need some advice with navigating this.

Thanks in advance x

"I am not going to not let them see the baby, that would be cruel for them and DP (he is my main concern in all of this, I don’t want him to be upset) but they need firm boundaries"

Your child as well as you should be your main concerns in all this.
His mother is already disappointed that you're having a girl, critisised stuff you've already bought for baby and has bought the child inappropriate stuff. Her behaviour since then has been appalling too and her H has enabled her in doing this. I have a nasty feeling you will be in for more of the same from her in particular when your child is born.

Do not set yourself on fire here in order to keep other people warm. They are your DPs parents and if he cannot and or will not stand up for his own self as well as you, then you need to. What does he think of his parents behaviours; he is key here.

They certainly do need firm boundaries but people like his mother may well not respect boundaries so may instead ride roughshod over them.
Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no so do not tolerate any crap from his parents.

@girlmom21 why would you even want to risk a first time mum giving birth alone due to Covid? I would be absolutely raging if my inlaw’s lack of regard for my late pregnancy forced me into that situation. It’s a really weird idea to back, to be honest.

Yes they should have tested but you couldn't have caught it and tested positive on the first day it takes a few days before they would have transmitted it and you were testing positive. So whilst they should have tested you didn't actually get it from them. In laws can be challenging but they are part of the family to and have just us much right to see your baby as your parents do. I say this as someone who find their in laws really difficult.

@MoggyP Dad wanted a BJ very good lol

OP really? Like others have said you made the choice to spend time with them without exercising this intense need to keep your unborn baby safe , seems a contradiction. Now instead of just saying would you take a test just to be safe you’re gonna kick them out of your kids life.

Why oh why is your mother furious? I would be asking those around you to help you see everyone’s side as people who are only wrapped up in keeping you happy will often fan the flames of these petty gripes making them much much bigger.

She is your husbands mother and should be treated with respect as she should you but like all relationships it takes some work.

Don’t weaponise your baby and pregnancy.

[quote Porridgeislife]@girlmom21 why would you even want to risk a first time mum giving birth alone due to Covid? I would be absolutely raging if my inlaw’s lack of regard for my late pregnancy forced me into that situation. It’s a really weird idea to back, to be honest.[/quote]
I don't think anyone should risk it - but I think it's the OP's responsibility to take precautions.

His parents weren't feeling unwell at the time and they've been vaccinated.

She says they're covid deniers so they probably don't have LFT's.

It's most massively unreasonable to believe they didn't think there was any risk.

But regardless - covid or no covid - using this as her excuse to not allow them to have the baby alone or to be really restrictive of contact isn't fair. She's doing it to be nasty, not rational.

Her DM being 'furious' they hadn't contacted her to see how she was explains a lot about the OP and her outlooks and opinions to me.

I think PP have got it right in saying it’s probably best to separate out your current relationship with them from their relationship with your. Its very normal for new mums to feel like their child is just an extension of them, but actually your daughter will become her own person with her own relationship with them and her own opinions on them.

Put it this way, if for some reason your husband’s relationship with your parents broke down, would allow him to refuse to let them see your DD?

Of course put in boundaries to keep your DD safe, but do allow that relationship to develop.

I’m sorry you are feeling anxious and congratulations on the imminent arrival of your daughter

Their relationship with your Dd.

Would you allow him

You have every right to be concerned about your inlaws given their overall lack of care and respect, not just for you but for other people including their son. What does he think of his parents and what if anything has he said about them?.

OP, lots of people don't get on with their in-laws, but it's not fair on them, your DP or your DD to refuse to let them be part of your DD's life. You're probably never going to get on with them really well, but I think you do need to back down a bit from your current position.

"Its very normal for new mums to feel like their child is just an extension of them"

No. Narcissistic mothers however, regard their child as an extension of them.

"but actually your daughter will become her own person with her own relationship with them and her own opinions on them".
Correct.

It will do OPs daughter no favours at all to watch her parents be further disrespected by people like her grandmother. Children need grandparents yes, but they need to be emotionally healthy people to be around. OP's inlaw is overbearing and overstepping; its also not her business to be putting pressure on the OP and her partner to rehome their cats.

I have never said that I’m not going to let my DD see her grandparents on DP’s side so I don’t know where this is coming from, in fact I’ve repeatedly said that I’m not going to deny it as that would be cruel, there would just be boundaries in place.

@mum11970 they definitely gave it to me and my mum as they came on the Thursday, we all went out for dinner that evening. They would have already had it from their granddaughter. They started showing proper symptoms on the Saturday so I insisted on testing on the Sunday morning & went out to get LFTs first thing.

Her DM being 'furious' they hadn't contacted her to see how she was explains a lot about the OP and her outlooks and opinions to me.

But that's not what the OP said. Her Mum was furious about catching covid from them, not furious about the lack of contact!

They did something very obviously inconsiderate with serious health repercussions when you were 34 weeks pregnant. They and your DH should expect that to impact the sort of interaction they'll have with baby soon after she's born, at her most vulnerable.

YANBU in that regard. Ultimately and long term they will no doubt have a relationship with her, but I don't think it's at all unreasonable for this to mean you don't want them to come straight to the hospital after birth and visits are more likely to be on your terms, and with questions asked as to whether they're in good health and had any Covid exposure before you go over.

People make far too many excuses for people being blatantly really selfish and inconsiderate about other people's health. This was cruel to you if only because you could (and perhaps did) have a much rougher time of it due to being pregnant.

That's outrageous of them OP. I would be furious.
You don't put pregnant women at risk - regardless of their own thoughts of covid, its the equivalent of turning up with any illness. They sound utterly selfish!

And absolutely she's no bloody right to be talking about 'bonding' with your baby. Jeez! I just don't understand what these kind of people are thinking!

Step back. It's none of her business what baby monitor you got - but then you have to take responsibility for making it a conversation piece, right? Don't tell her what you've bought, or what it cost. Don't tell her what your plans are, don't talk about the babies routine. Don't tell her if you've had a rough night with the baby, or whether the baby is teething, or something interesting you read! Because all you do is invite opinion in.

I know that feeling of wanting to share. Sharing things that you've read, bought, wanting to talk about your baby plans but just don't.

Good for you, putting your foot down so far. These 'grabbie Grandma's' can be a nightmare!

Are you sure you didn’t all catch it at the same time on the Thursday out at dinner? The incubation period doesn’t quite match what I’ve witnessed but it’s a strange disease.

Either way there must be some backstory in which case YANBU. If it’s just this incident I’m not sure it’s something I would make a massive issue of.

Hope you’ve all recovered and good luck for the birth!

It's been a long, hard 2 years and realistically they haven't done anything wrong. Yeah they could've tested and cancelled the weekend but there's no legal requirement anymore and everyone needs to use their own judgment.

Oh come on. Knowingly exposing a heavily pregnant woman to covid shows you have nothing but piss poor judgment. I wouldn't be anywhere near these idiots.

The two things are that make this bad on their side , they lied about when they knew about covid and the OP is pregnant . So I totally understand the anger .

I would keep my distance for a while and then make sure you set boundaries that are clear. If they don’t get it then you distance yourself again .

I think you and your dh need to have a very frank conversation with them, set boundaries and explain that if they disrespect your wishes then contact will be limited.
Your boundaries like not kissing baby are very reasonable and you can politely decline inappropriate gifts (if it's too old for a newborn but something you might use later just store it, if it's never going to be suitable you can say 'thank you but we won't use that' and then she can return it)

Testing for covid after exposure or with symptoms is also reasonable, same as staying away if they are e when baby is very young.

Ignoring your mil is pretty immature and will only make the situation worse though, you need to act like an adult if you want to repair the relationship and be taken seriously.

It can be difficult but you really need to stand your ground and have a united front, your dh has to step up.

The reason I’ve ignored them so far is that I was unwell for 10 days and also busy with work (I am in a responsible position with deadlines and couldn’t take time off sick), and to be honest I just couldn’t be bothered to listen to them. I’d had enough and I have enough on my plate, plus I wanted to speak to them when I felt less stressed about it all.

I know I need to speak to them but really I just need time to think, DP is happy with that and has said that to them. I’m a new mum and want to get this right, and do what is best for my baby.

I am also often taken advantage of, I am generally a bit of a pushover and determined not to be in this case. I am my daughter’s advocate and the only one who can protect her at the moment, obviously that will be different when she is here but then DP will need to step up as some of you have suggested. He isn’t a pushover when it comes to his parents in general but his brothers and father (who is a bit easier to be around, and his brothers are lovely) do tend to tiptoe around MIL a bit, don’t tell her the truth about anything in case she will worry etc. They do everything for her as well, and she had started expecting that from me. She just plays up to not knowing about technology, how to do things etc and they all bob around her.

And to respond to the PP, @DalarnaHorses is right my mum was furious about getting covid, not about the lack of message.

@Unsure33

The two things are that make this bad on their side , they lied about when they knew about covid and the OP is pregnant . So I totally understand the anger .

I would keep my distance for a while and then make sure you set boundaries that are clear. If they don’t get it then you distance yourself again .

This. I know people are touchy about covid right now and get triggered when other people acknowledge that it exists, but covid has been observed in studies to pose risk to pregnant women and their babies. Knowingly exposing a pregnant woman to an illness, whether that's the flu, covid, or whatever else, that is a known risk is selfish and just plain stupid.

TashieWoo

re your comment:-

"I am also often taken advantage of, I am generally a bit of a pushover and determined not to be in this case. I am my daughter’s advocate and the only one who can protect her at the moment, obviously that will be different when she is here but then DP will need to step up as some of you have suggested. He isn’t a pushover when it comes to his parents in general but his brothers and father (who is a bit easier to be around, and his brothers are lovely) do tend to tiptoe around MIL a bit, don’t tell her the truth about anything in case she will worry etc. They do everything for her as well, and she had started expecting that from me. She just plays up to not knowing about technology, how to do things etc and they all bob around her."

You will indeed do right by your DD if you stand up to and continue to stand against such pressures from his mother (and her bystander/enabler of a husband). She has sensed your lack of assertiveness and innate niceness and has capitalised on it; its also very likely that you have never dealt with someone who actively behaves like this before.

My guess is that she will ignore and or otherwise drive a bus through any boundary you care to set her going forward. She wears the trousers in her family unit and rules them completely, her men are afraid of her and want her approval. She has learnt from them too that this works for her; they bobbing around after like they do did them no favours. It has not made her respect them more and she is still the centre of her own universe with them being bit part players in it.

@girlmom21

Honestly, I think you're being too harsh about the covid thing.

It's been a long, hard 2 years and realistically they haven't done anything wrong. Yeah they could've tested and cancelled the weekend but there's no legal requirement anymore and everyone needs to use their own judgment.

She did think. She thought "it'd be shit to lose out on this nice weekend away and everyone will be ok if they get it." She made a choice. It's not a choice you agree with but I don't think it's worth all the animosity either.

Have any of their other grandchildren ever come to any harm in their care?

Yes, she thought - but only of herself. Unfortunately for her, selfish behaviour has consequences. OP, I don't blame you for having lost your trust in her at all.

They put their desire for a nice weekend ahead of the health of a pregnant woman. That's selfish and you are under no obligation to prioritise what they want.
I also think it's normal for women to become very protective of their autonomy and their baby and don't want to be swamped and taken over by pushy in laws.
You can't reasonably deny them a relationship and you have said that you won't, but you can keep them at bay until you are ready - they have no right to descend as soon as you go into labour.

It takes more than one person to repair a relationship and OPs MIL has done much to harm its very fabric. This may not be at all repairable; infact I would say it is not repairable because this lady will never meet OP half way nor properly accept mistakes or wrong doings. I would also think she has not apologised to the OP for what has happened and has certainly not accepted any responsibility for her actions.