Pregnant and broken relationship with ILs, have I been unreasonable?

[TashieWoo]

This could be long so apologies in advance!

I’m 35 weeks pregnant with mine and DP’s first child and in the last few weeks have begun to feel even more protective of my baby, and thinking about how I am going to ensure she’s kept safe when she is born - ensuring nobody kisses her, kept away from smoking etc. All sensible things.

I’ve also been concerned about my ILs (particularly MIL) and setting boundaries. MIL made it clear she wanted a boy as she has 4 granddaughters already (only 2 biological) and was disappointed when she found out we were having a little girl but I just ignored that, and have ignored the subsequent anecdotal evidence of scans being wrong. She has also said that she wants to know as soon as I’m going into labour so she can come down, and has gone on about wanting to bond with the baby and see her within a few days. I just feel suffocated. She has criticised things I’ve bought for the baby (sensory stuff she doesn’t understand, and the monitor because it was too expensive), whilst buying her things that are totally inappropriate.

Anyway, this is all trivial compared to what happened a couple of weeks ago. ILs booked to take DP and I away for the weekend for DP’s 40th birthday, all very nice. However in the days leading up to the weekend they were looking after their 11yo granddaughter while her parents were away for a few days, and in that time she tested positive for covid. They didn’t isolate from her even though her mum told them to (not easy I know), and then came to us without testing. I didn’t ask them to test but did a test myself in private before we went, I’m kicking myself for not asking them to test and I know that was wrong, but they were in our house then (they lied and said that they only found out their granddaughter had covid when they were on their way to our house) and I wanted to make an effort, knowing that my dislike for them was probably a bit irrational.

Anyway we all started feeling unwell and tested positive on the Sunday, them in the morning and DP & I in the evening. They are vaccinated but they are also covid deniers now and fed up with the rules so they didn’t isolate and still went out for a pub lunch afterwards whilst DP and I isolated from them. I was so cross, I didn’t need covid at 34 weeks pregnant, was worried about the baby and just so angry at their ignorance and lack of consideration. The following day when we were due to go home I just didn’t speak to MIL and when she said she didn’t think and started crying, I just told her I didn’t want to hear it. I’ve been thinking about keeping my baby safe for 7 months and she was just careless. I was pretty unwell for 10 days, luckily baby seems unaffected. My mum also caught it from them as we went out for dinner the night they came to us, she was pretty unwell too.

Since then I’ve not spoken to ILs and made it clear to DP I need time and that I am not happy with them. I have enough on my plate without worrying about what they think, I’m just sad for DP that he’s having to manage both relationships, which he’s accepted. Essentially I don’t want them with my baby unless they’re supervised and I don’t want them coming as soon as she’s born. I can’t trust them, and I don’t want her to get needlessly hurt and for MIL to say “I didn’t think” and expect me to be fine with it. I know accidents happen but she is careless and to put it bluntly, pretty thick.

But have I taken this too far and should I back down a bit, to help DP? I would happily never see them again, they don’t add anything positive to my life, but then I think it is cruel to not let them see the baby. My parents are going to be pretty involved and I don’t want DP to resent that either, even though he has a good relationship with them. I just need some advice with navigating this.

Thanks in advance x

@girlmom21

Honestly, I think you're being too harsh about the covid thing.

It's been a long, hard 2 years and realistically they haven't done anything wrong. Yeah they could've tested and cancelled the weekend but there's no legal requirement anymore and everyone needs to use their own judgment.

She did think. She thought "it'd be shit to lose out on this nice weekend away and everyone will be ok if they get it." She made a choice. It's not a choice you agree with but I don't think it's worth all the animosity either.

Have any of their other grandchildren ever come to any harm in their care?

I honestly cannot understand how you can say the second part about what MIL thought, and then say there's nothing to be bothered about, because I read your description of what MIL must have thought and thought "how absolutely awful and selfish of her".

To make the decision on someone else's behalf that a weekend with you is worth getting an illness that very commonly causes over a week of feeling like shit is just so self absorbed and selfish. It doesn't matter if it's Covid, it could have been flu or whatever, it's horrible to have it. And it's known to be worse for pregnant women, who are also restricted in terms of how they can medicate.

Honestly, it's one thing to be against ongoing Covid restrictions, but getting it and then making the decision to pass it on to someone else, especially a pregnant woman, is something else entirely. It's just mind blowingly selfish.

I’m a new mum and want to get this right

This has really stood out to me OP.
I just want you to know, there is way to be a perfect mum, and a million ways to be a good one.

I was very ill after my first because I thought I'd 'failed' him when my birth plan (hohoho) went wrong.
You feel super protective already & that will only get stronger when your baby arrives, but you can't control everything & you can make yourself ill trying.

But back to the OP - they should have told you DN had covid so you could make an informed choice. But they know how mad you are, I think it's a good opportunity to set your boundaries around the first few weeks when your baby arrives. My opinion - let them see their GD early on & take photos & coo, but then they need to back off & let you be a family of 3 for a while.

All the best for the birth & getting to know your daughter. It's a wonderful & intense time!

You are right to feel how you do, covid in pregnancy can be truly awful. Of course you can let them know how you feel. They risked your health and premature delivery of your DD.
Don’t tell them when your win labour. When you feel ready they can come and visit and have a time you need to go out if you want them to leave. You owe them nothing

@SawnWood

You are right to feel how you do, covid in pregnancy can be truly awful. Of course you can let them know how you feel. They risked your health and premature delivery of your DD. Don’t tell them when your win labour. When you feel ready they can come and visit and have a time you need to go out if you want them to leave. You owe them nothing

100%. Leave all communication to your DH, you owe them nothing and they're a pair of immature tossers. Do not tell them a thing until you're home from the hospital and don't open the door to them unless you're good and ready. I'd be absolutely fuming with all their shenanigans.

You need to talk to your DP about managing his parents. Your MiL sounds dreadful: “our baby” wtf?! And “bonding” like the baby is hers?! Grim. But it shouldn’t be you having to tell them to back off, it should be DP. His loyalty should be with you at the end of the day, and he should be negotiating some means of keeping them in the loop but firmly maintaining boundaries. Tell him how you’re feeling.

I think the people who are excusing the PILs behaviour have no idea what truly dysfunctional family members are actually like.

This is way beyond just "not getting on" with in-laws. As OP has rightly identified, these in-laws are already trampling all over boundaries, and will continue to do so unless OP and her partner present a united front in asserting themselves and their needs.

I think that lying (or withholding the truth) about exposure to covid, and knowingly exposing a pregnant woman to covid without informing her, is completely unforgivable.

I'm relaxed about covid, and I was relaxed about it when I was pregnant, but if someone knew they had been exposed to it, and had spent extended time with me without bothering to take a test or even warn me about the risks, I'd have been livid.

OP, I think you and your DP need to prioritise being on the same page about this. Think and talk about what level of contact you will be comfortable with. Obviously you won't want him to tell her when you're in labour. Would you allow PILs to meet the baby for a short time, if it was outside or in a well ventilated room, and they didn't kiss or hold the baby?

PS Enjoy time with your baby. You’re going to be great.

@girlmom21

Honestly, I think you're being too harsh about the covid thing.

It's been a long, hard 2 years and realistically they haven't done anything wrong. Yeah they could've tested and cancelled the weekend but there's no legal requirement anymore and everyone needs to use their own judgment.

She did think. She thought "it'd be shit to lose out on this nice weekend away and everyone will be ok if they get it." She made a choice. It's not a choice you agree with but I don't think it's worth all the animosity either.

Have any of their other grandchildren ever come to any harm in their care?

Get out of it. She's heavily pregnant and they put her health and possibly life and that of her child below their wish for a jolly for a few days. Completely irresponsible. If you know you have Covid stay tf away from people who are vulnerable. Stay tf away from anyone to be fair. They made their choice but they didn't give anyone else any choice.

They don't care about her and it doesn't matter if they've managed not to kill or maim any of their other grandchildren, they clearly don't care about their new grandchild either, beyond the social kudos they get from her. The OP is in no way whatsoever at fault here.

@TashieWoo

I have never said that I’m not going to let my DD see her grandparents on DP’s side so I don’t know where this is coming from, in fact I’ve repeatedly said that I’m not going to deny it as that would be cruel, there would just be boundaries in place.

@mum11970 they definitely gave it to me and my mum as they came on the Thursday, we all went out for dinner that evening. They would have already had it from their granddaughter. They started showing proper symptoms on the Saturday so I insisted on testing on the Sunday morning & went out to get LFTs first thing.

Are you saying that when you went out on the Thursday, they knew that their GD had covid? Because if so, I'm wondering why you're so focused on the weekend.

In either event, I'm also left wondering why you heard "Oh we've been looking after GD and she now has covid" and decided it was a great idea to get in a car and travel away to spend a weekend in close contact with them.

Don't get me wrong, she sounds overbearing and annoying, but you can't expect to get on with everyone in life with no friction.

They were wrong not to tell you that they'd been exposed to Covid. However you don't know if you caught it from them. Testing positive within a few hours would suggest you caught it about the same time.

I think it's odd to expect them to contact your mum. Why would they? Even if they did give you Covid, you must have noticed that most of the country has had it (and those who haven't will get it at some point). Who do I blame? The person who gave it me, or the person who have it to them? Or the person who gave it to them?

Yes they sound thoughtless and irritating and unreasonable in some ways. I feel for you having to deal with that. Put pick your battles. When someone irritates us, we sometimes jump on everything they do as irritating, and expect higher standards of them than the people we like. The trick is being aware when you're doing it.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation as I’ve said in my OP and responses I regret not being assertive enough and making them test when they got to our house and said that DN (their GD) had covid. I will always regret that. But I felt backed into a corner; they hadn’t said anything until they had driven 2.5 hours to our house, I had an idea that my negative feelings towards them had been unreasonable (or maybe not so much judging by PP and my thoughts since) and so I wanted to make an effort with them, it was DP’s birthday, and they had spent a lot of money on the weekend away. They weren’t displaying symptoms (that started on the Saturday for them). I know I should have made them test but it would have caused a row, it was difficult enough to get them to test on the Sunday morning when we were all unwell.

They had strong positives on the Sunday morning and showed symptoms 1.5 days before DP and I. We had faint positives on the Sunday evening. So I’m pretty sure they had it before us which would make sense.

Have you been going out OP? To the shops or round aldi, or popping into town? How often do you self test? Not judging whatsoever but people are walking round all the time with covid now- there's no requirement to isolate so unfortunately whilst pregnant women, clinically vulnerable, people immuno compromised etc have my deep sympathy, there's no avoiding it now. However thankfully treatments has come on leaps and bounds, vaccines and medication are now available and it's a lot less serious than it once was.

I haven't spoken to my mother for 17 years. My son has seen her once when he was a new born and never since. I actually regret that, as I think it's a part of my sons life that has had something missing. As he's grown up he's seen his friends getting treats from nanna, or popping round or doing stuff etc and he's not been able to. Unless you feel she will deliberately harm your child then sometimes it's worth biting your tongue and making peace with a situation for the greater good. Do you want to have to navigate birthday's and Christmases, nativity plays, award ceremonies etc. It's hard

I will always regret that

Again with the dramatics. Why will you 'always regret that'?

It's a bit shit but it's not a major issue and certainly not something to regret for the rest of your life.

Anyway we all started feeling unwell and tested positive on the Sunday, them in the morning and DP & I in the evening.

This is what you said in your OP. When do you start feeling ill and when did they start feeling ill because the timelines are changing now that people have pointed out they don't add up to it being your in laws faults.

When did your DM start feeling ill because you said you'd met up on the Thursday. Did she start feeling ill before or after you? Based on everyone on the holiday starting to feel ill on the Sunday (which was my understanding) it's more likely your DM passed it on the everyone than the other way around.

I think you need to relax a bit and try and be a bit more rational in your thinking. Being
a hugely overprotective parent isn’t going to be healthy as you will pass on your own anxieties to the child

@girlmom21

Honestly, I think you're being too harsh about the covid thing.

It's been a long, hard 2 years and realistically they haven't done anything wrong. Yeah they could've tested and cancelled the weekend but there's no legal requirement anymore and everyone needs to use their own judgment.

She did think. She thought "it'd be shit to lose out on this nice weekend away and everyone will be ok if they get it." She made a choice. It's not a choice you agree with but I don't think it's worth all the animosity either.

Have any of their other grandchildren ever come to any harm in their care?

Just because something's not illegal any more doesn't mean you do it though. If you had any sort of communicable disease - chicken pox, flu, norovirus even a really bad cold, you don't go and see a heavy pregnant woman.

It's common sense ( a bit like not having a baby at 21).

@underneaththeash I didn't say what they did was ok. I said it's not worth falling out over.

That was a really poor attempt at an insult. I didn't have a child at 21. If you're making your assumptions here based on peoples usernames you're going to think there are a lot of strange beings about...

There's also absolutely nothing wrong with having a child at 21, even if your assumption was correct, as long as you're able and capable of caring for them.

@Porcupineintherough

I dont agree with the above, I think infecting you with a virus known to be dangerous to pregnant women and for which there was an easily available test is shit. Add that to the other stuff and I think it's about time they had their wings clipped when it comes to your family. That doesnt mean you have to be at war but its past time that you started setting down a few ground rules and they need to understand that they have to listen and think.

I agree with you. It's one thing making the choice for yourself, deciding not to test and keep your arrangements, but the selfishness of inflicting that choice on others is what I would not be able to get past. The OP should have been given the choice whether or not to potentially expose herself to covid or not. She was not given that choice. MIL chose not to test, fine. But would it have been that much of a big deal to ring ahead and give the OP the choice?

When I was 39 weeks there was a vomiting bug going around in the extended family. Everyone was very careful to steer clear of me which I deeply appreciated. Except for one, who sat beside me for hours before disclosing that she had had diarrhoea and vomiting all the previous night.

While a vomiting bug is quickly over and has no lasting side effects, I didn't exactly want to be puking and shitting myself while trying to have a baby either!

I don't think the OP should carry on not speaking forever, but giving them a quiet lesson that you, DP (and your baby when she arrives) have the power to withdraw from MIL is no harm. I'd certainly give it a good few weeks, even if only to have a bit of peace from her opinions. If she takes from this that she can't just bulldoze your preferences /feeling / parenting or you'll be off, it's a good timely lesson and best served now rather than when you are exhausted and frazzled in the newborn stages.

The covid thing is very thoughtless, but I think you are going a bit far to say your baby will get hurt. They’ve brought up their own children and clearly look after the other grandchildren without issue. I know how you’ll be feeling at 7 months pregnant - but it can make you think extreme things. You can’t keep them away from your baby and dictate their every move. Try to calm down all the stuff about going to great lengths to keep your baby safe. Unless you’re a moron she’ll be fine.

I'm not trying to trip you up but when did your in laws tell you they had been in contact with the positive niece? Was is as soon as they arrived?

Well, I mean you can get covid from basically anywhere. You could have got it from anywhere over the past 7 months if you’ve been out of your home at any other location.

Yes she was absolutely thoughtless to apparently knowingly bring it to you. I agree that’s really bad form.

But I’m afraid that doesn’t equate to the fact your baby will be unsafe around her. Ultimately you’re being really unfair.

@EveryCloudIsGrey it was about 1.5 hours after they arrived

@girlmom21 we all started feeling properly unwell on the Sunday but PILs had been coughing for 1.5 days prior, and kept going on about having allergies. That was a big cover up. I’m sure they had it before they came to us but the main thing is they knew they’d been exposed and didn’t tell me to let me make an informed choice.

@TashieWoo

This could be long so apologies in advance!

I’m 35 weeks pregnant with mine and DP’s first child and in the last few weeks have begun to feel even more protective of my baby, and thinking about how I am going to ensure she’s kept safe when she is born - ensuring nobody kisses her, kept away from smoking etc. All sensible things.

I’ve also been concerned about my ILs (particularly MIL) and setting boundaries. MIL made it clear she wanted a boy as she has 4 granddaughters already (only 2 biological) and was disappointed when she found out we were having a little girl but I just ignored that, and have ignored the subsequent anecdotal evidence of scans being wrong. She has also said that she wants to know as soon as I’m going into labour so she can come down, and has gone on about wanting to bond with the baby and see her within a few days. I just feel suffocated. She has criticised things I’ve bought for the baby (sensory stuff she doesn’t understand, and the monitor because it was too expensive), whilst buying her things that are totally inappropriate.

Anyway, this is all trivial compared to what happened a couple of weeks ago. ILs booked to take DP and I away for the weekend for DP’s 40th birthday, all very nice. However in the days leading up to the weekend they were looking after their 11yo granddaughter while her parents were away for a few days, and in that time she tested positive for covid. They didn’t isolate from her even though her mum told them to (not easy I know), and then came to us without testing. I didn’t ask them to test but did a test myself in private before we went, I’m kicking myself for not asking them to test and I know that was wrong, but they were in our house then (they lied and said that they only found out their granddaughter had covid when they were on their way to our house) and I wanted to make an effort, knowing that my dislike for them was probably a bit irrational.

Anyway we all started feeling unwell and tested positive on the Sunday, them in the morning and DP & I in the evening. They are vaccinated but they are also covid deniers now and fed up with the rules so they didn’t isolate and still went out for a pub lunch afterwards whilst DP and I isolated from them. I was so cross, I didn’t need covid at 34 weeks pregnant, was worried about the baby and just so angry at their ignorance and lack of consideration. The following day when we were due to go home I just didn’t speak to MIL and when she said she didn’t think and started crying, I just told her I didn’t want to hear it. I’ve been thinking about keeping my baby safe for 7 months and she was just careless. I was pretty unwell for 10 days, luckily baby seems unaffected. My mum also caught it from them as we went out for dinner the night they came to us, she was pretty unwell too.

Since then I’ve not spoken to ILs and made it clear to DP I need time and that I am not happy with them. I have enough on my plate without worrying about what they think, I’m just sad for DP that he’s having to manage both relationships, which he’s accepted. Essentially I don’t want them with my baby unless they’re supervised and I don’t want them coming as soon as she’s born. I can’t trust them, and I don’t want her to get needlessly hurt and for MIL to say “I didn’t think” and expect me to be fine with it. I know accidents happen but she is careless and to put it bluntly, pretty thick.

But have I taken this too far and should I back down a bit, to help DP? I would happily never see them again, they don’t add anything positive to my life, but then I think it is cruel to not let them see the baby. My parents are going to be pretty involved and I don’t want DP to resent that either, even though he has a good relationship with them. I just need some advice with navigating this.

Thanks in advance x

I'm cev and have been very careful, but yes you're being very ott.

They didn't think things through. You're presumably also vaccinated and so being pregnant per se should not have increased your risks.

Suggesting they wouldn't safeguard your baby is ridiculous.

It does sound a bit stressful. Why won’t you let anyone kiss the baby though? Surely you and your husband are allowed? It will be very hard and a bit mean not to let other family kiss the baby also.

The reason I wouldn’t trust her with my baby is that she lies, she’s generally not very intelligent (I mean basic thought and capabilities here), she criticises me now so I don’t think she would respect my wishes (which would all be sensible and reasonable), and she isn’t very physically fit or active. She doesn’t do anything as her DH does pretty much everything for her, not because she can’t but because that’s how they are as a family.

I just don’t want my child to get hurt as a result of her carelessness. I know accidents happen but I don’t want to hear “I didn’t think” again, and be expected to reassure her.