Coming to terms with knowing it'll never happen?

[ButtonBound]

OK, bit of background.... 40 year old virgin, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never even been hit on.

I've had self-esteem issues, partly steming from the above, for a while. Kinda just hate everything about myself. No real friends.

When I was younger I guess I just assumed that a having a boyfriend would happen. It didn't and then years later it still hasn't and suddenly it's snowballed into this huge issue. I tell myself I don't need a relationship or want a relationship. I tell myself I don't trust men. They're all likely to cheat. That I'm better off alone. Why would anyone want me? I'd only ever be second or even third best.

I've thought about this a lot recently and realised I've always been a bit strange about boyfriends and whatnot. Always a bit embarrassed by it all. I remember being very young and having a crush on a tv star and my parents teasing me about.... does all of my embarrassment and whatnot all stem from that?

Then I find myself rather sad because part of me does want it. There is someone I've had a crush on for a while.... I see him very irregularly, but I saw him last week and I'll be seeing him in a few weeks again. I don't know him very well but I am attracted to him and we've had casual chats. I don't look at every man like a potential partner but I've certainly looked at this one and thought 'I'd be willing to push past all my anxieties to get to know you better'. And for the briefest of moments I thought he might be somewhat into me (first I've ever thought that about anyone). Then I looked in the mirror and 'yeah, as if that's likely'. And if he did like me, well, I've screwed it up!

In my head, I'll see him in a few weeks and my flirting will be outstanding and bam! he'll ask me out and jobs a goodun! In reality I'll stumble over my words, say something stupid and we'll go our separate ways.

So, how do I just accept the fact that it's never going to happen for me? With my crush or anyone else. How do I accept that when a part of me still wants it.

• apologies for how all overcthe show this post is. I'm sure there are other things I wanted to say but I'm at work but just needed to get something out there.

I don't think you can, or should, say it will never happen. There is no time limit. I was a late starter, but it did happen. So I can understand your feelings. You are worth it, so don't discount a relationship with this guy or anyone else. It will depend on the environment you are meeting up with him, and how much you'd be prepared to face up to possible rejection - not easy I know - but any chance of having a few drinks and just going for it???

I didn't want to read and run.

It sounds like a horrible cliché, but it helps if you quite like you first. Do you like spending time with yourself? Are you kind to yourself?

Could you speak with this guy as a friend first, with lots of smiles? I'm no expert, believe me, but I do get told I'm flirting when I genuinely think I'm just being friendly.

Good luck. I'm sure you're brilliant 🤩

Why won't it happen? Make it happen!

I know it's not that easy - but have you put yourself out there to meet people? I don't just mean with this guy but online dating, speed dating, joining social groups, hobbies and activities.

I don't think you should accept it won't ever happen. I'd leave that door open. It could happen.

Do you put yourself out there? Are you online dating for example? You say you don't have many friends, that's a problem for most people as it can lead to loneliness, it's difficult to meet other friends without a circle to connect through, it can be offputting to guys if you don't have any and you're missing out on so much that comes from friendships!

I'd try focus on making good friends for a while and get some practice and finding and forming new friendships. Join local groups, find interests, go on local forums, use friend dating apps. Have you ever considered therapy to explore your self-esteem? You can really successfully treat low self esteem using CBT with a skilled therapist or on your own. Happy to post some self help links if you're interested in doing it by yourself, or to signpost where you can go on the NHS for appropriate therapy.

I think, part of my problem right now is that I have this particular guy in my head I can't imagine anyone else and right now have no desire to attempt to meet anyone else. I hope that doesn't come across too weird or stalkerish

I did join a dating site but I found it a bit strange. I also was too fearful of putting my pic up (I know, what's the point!). I honestly don't think it's for me. I do remember someone telling me that in their opinion I needed to be friends with someone initially before progressing. And I do find that I need to 'like' someone already - even though I know that is quite limiting.

I'm not actively putting myself out there - it all comes down to the self-esteem issue. I also understand that a guy isn't going to just fall into my lap. I need to work for it. I just get so up in my own head, worrying about the what-ifs. Worrying that if I was to start dating someone I would be introduced to their friends but I'd not have anyone to introduce them to.

I'd love to slip this guy my number. I don't know if I'm confident enough... I could try and slip it into his bag before he leaves. I know that I most likely won't see him for a good while after the next time so hopefully any rejection can be forgotten about!

It'll be a few weeks before I see him again and this will be it for a while. It's either now or never.

Also, does any guy really want to date a 40yo virgin? I worry about that too... I don't know how it all works. Well, I know how sex works but the etiquette of it all... the do's and don'ts. And the actual having to tell a guy of my inexperience - fills me with dread.

Hi op. I think it's really important to be realistic as wrll as having real belief and hope that you want to make big changes for yourself.

Please try to let go of this particular guy in your mind. Being honest if you have never kissed anyone at 40 I think you may need to really have a bit of self work before you are ready to date. Maybe this guy will work out but already in your description yoi are sounding overly attached. It's much much easier to have a little crush or infatuation with someone yoi barely know than it is to overcome a lifetime of anxiety and barriers that have stopped you having relationships.

The first thing I'd suggest is uoi find a therapist. Could you afford it ? Look on the bacp website for someone nearby.

Yoi need to unpick what has held you back and given you so much fear. Do you mind me asking is it possible you are neurodivergent ?

My sister in law was diagnosed with autism as an adult and it suddenly made her see that she had a real reason for why she had never had close relationships with men.

It's unlikely one single incident in childhood had that impact but perhaps it was indicative of a lot of similar limiting beliefs imposed by your parents?

Please remember that all over the world people with all sorts of personalities and looks find love every day. It can be out there for you but I think you need to see the answer in looking at yourself before you try to find a Prince in shining armour. The reality is that yes many people will be worried or perhaps doubtful of being someones first partner at 40. But the person who is right for you will not be !

I think you need to try be kinder to yourself! You’ve built up this fear that every man is going to cheat etc which is just untrue. I think you have a fear of getting hurt which is understandable but it’s sadly part of life and teaches you lessons of what you will and won’t accept and it helps you grow.
I think you need to work on your self esteem, have you spoken to anyone about your feelings? It might help to sit down with someone and break it all down.

I’m glad you like this guy and should definitely try get to know him but please don’t put him on such a high horse that you are closed to the idea of others. It’s not healthy to think like that right now when you don’t know him that well.

I know you said you’ve tried online dating but you were afraid to put your picture up.
I think you should try give it a go again.
You don’t have to go on any dates but will give you a chance to speak to some men and build your confidence from the safety of your own home.

I think you should try online dating again.

Also, I don't think you have to tell any man that you're a virgin or not.

@waterrat . . I've certainly considered if I'm neurodiverse. I've considered asexuality too. I know there is something. I guess I like to think that I could meet someone and the rest will fall into place.

I know I've been going on a bit about this crush, but I actually am quite realistic, I know it isn't going to happen. I could go to therapy. Try and figure it all out ... that's not going to happen overnight and then I'll be even older. I guess that's why I think it would be easier to just find a way to accept it that it won't ever happen.

@Hiddenvoice.... I havent really told anyone how I'm feeling. I'll drop the odd comment here and there but there is noone who is aware how deep this runs.

I also know that this crush is not a knight in shing armour... he could have a partner! He could actually be a bit of a twat! I'll never know tho.

@Gonnagetgoing... I know I wouldn't have too, I just think it would be obvious that I was inexperienced and maybe it's better to let them know?

Look
.op.people find love in their 60s and 70s. You have time to have therapy while looming for dates ! What do you have to lose by trying to change things and find closer relationships with men ? If you have a crush that is a good sign it means you have feelings and interest and passjons.

The therapy isn't a process thst has to be completed in depth before your life changes. You can start it as a form of support for yourself while taking other steps like maybe getting a friend to write a dating profile with you.

I'm sure people do find love in their 60s and 70s. They probably aren't just starting out tho.

I really don't want to do OLD again. It just isn't for me. I know people who have met online and who are very happy but it isn't for me.

Probably should've done something about all of this sooner rather than waiting to now.

Just out of interest OP, why are you against OLD?

It really isn't as bad as you think! It's a great way to meet people... even if you just went on a few coffee dates at first, to build up some confidence?

Also .. has no man ever shown even a modicum of interest in you? Ever??

I find that hard to believe. Attraction comes in sooo many forms. I bet it's more your perception of yourself than anything else.

@ButtonBound

I'm sure people do find love in their 60s and 70s. They probably aren't just starting out tho.

I really don't want to do OLD again. It just isn't for me. I know people who have met online and who are very happy but it isn't for me.

Probably should've done something about all of this sooner rather than waiting to now.

The thing is, and I mean this kindly, if you have never had a boyfriend, in-person dating is arguably not for you either. If you want a boyfriend, you need to work out why you haven’t had one in 25 years. You are keeping people at arms length, you might need help to find out why.

Therapists who specialise in psychosexual matters are a thing. You could find a therapist who helps you navigate your way through.

I have a friend who was also a virgin at 40 and who is getting married for the first time soon, 20 odd years later ! It has taken her all that time to find her first real relationship and she is so happy these days! It can happen; more likely to if you don't close your mind to the possibility! Dont give up if that is what you want.

Hi op, just wondering more so why you don't have friends around you, is this a personal choice? I ask this because socialising can help build your self esteem and also potentially help you meet someone

@Jk24.... I had a few friends at school tho I had no problem being a homebird and being by myself. We left school and fell out of touch. I did have a close adult friend but that ended. I socialise with work friends on occasion. It's never been a huge issue for me personally, not having tons of friends. But yes, it does make it harder, I get that.

@Sonaftersonafterson... I'm not against OLD so to speak. I know people have lots of success. It's just.... trawling through profiles, picking someone. If I go to a bar say, sure I might see someone attractive but I haven't gone into the bar for that reason. If that makes sense?

@HelloDulling.... I know what you mean. If I find online awkward, real-life is going to be even moreso for someone like me. But I come back to having this need to meet someone IRL and feel something. Like the crush.... I've met him, I'm attracted to him and we've chatted .... and apart from me being a little shy, actually get on OK. It just feels more natural to do it that way? But yes, I do keep people at arms length - and that probably goes for everyone to an extent, not just guys I like.

I have been on BACP website looking at therapists. Minefield! A bit like OLD!

Hugely sympathetic. I think in this situation it is easy to get hung up on the absence of a satisfying relationship with am adult life partner , on never having sex, and what you may be missing out on. It can affect your self-esteem badly.

If you have hung around MN for a while you’ll have noticed many married women feel similar (lacking a loving relationship, and sex, feeling like they are missing out, low self-esteem). I guess the difference is they have followed a more conventional path and at least had the experience of someone fancying them , liking them enough to date them and have sex.

I don’t know how you come to terms with it, but I think you have sometimes got to be prepared to put yourself out there. You need to find a different way to get to your goal than the conventional way of waiting for a guy to think “phwoar she’s hot” and ask you out. So yes maybe ask the guy out - I wouldn’t drop your number in his bag, just be brave and ask him. Maybe be unconventional and pick up an unusual interest - a shared interest in Lebanese food, an ice hockey game, a jog at sunrise in a beautiful local park or whatever.

Definitely get in the friend zone first. From friendship, feelings can emerge, and romance can pop up inside a friendship unexpectedly (which is why there are so many “can you have a friend who is the opposite sex whilst in a relationship” threads to which the answer is usually “yes but set boundaries, be open with your partner, be careful” because it is easy to develop strong feelings and dare I say it, love, for a friend.)

Once you become very good friends at some stage you’ll mention you’ve never had a relationship. I don’t think that will freak a guy out as much as you think it will. And if one day you want to take it further, a guy worth his salt at this age will have enough knowledge or experience to make sex pleasant and not make you feel crap about yourself.

Are there any hobbies you enjoy op? Maybe there's a local group that you can join or a gym? Its hard making friends when you're an adult but joining groups and gyms is a good way. I joined a gym and met a couple of people when doing classes

Thanks to everyone who commented.

I know I need to work on myself, so instead of talking or thinking about it I'm going to actually make a bit more of an effort. With my mental health, my appearance. I know it's not going to happen overnight and I need to be patient.

As for the crush.... I don't think I've put him on the pedestal that some of you think I have.... tho I can see why you would think that! I know he's not my Saviour, he's not going to solve my issues. At the minute, I'm thinking I'll try and find out if he's single and then might ask him for a coffee and see what happens. If he says yes - maybe he'll be lovely, maybe he'll be a wally. Maybe we just won't click.

And maybe I won't ask him at all!

Also, not quite sure how I've gone from being so despondent to thinking of actually asking someone out!!!

Go for it op! What have you got to lose? There's a 50 percent chance he will say yes! Please keep us posted and good luck!

It sounds to me like you're very risk-averse and trying to find a way of dating that has no element of risk WHILE ALSO being so sure of rejection that you're convinced it won't work - of course those two things reasonably result in you not wanting to date!

I can really sympathise as someone who was bullied a lot at school and taught that NO-ONE could possibly be interested, while also not being a stunner that guys approach.
For people like us, we can't sit back and wait for the handsome prince to approach us, we have to take a risk and make the first move, often. And yes, you'll be rejected by some people and it will hurt, and you'll feel silly and that you shouldn't have asked because rejection sucks.

But you'll find that the world doesn't end by someone saying no, and one rejection won't result in the end of everything and everyone, and you might even learn to be proud of yourself that you did take that chance and ask. And sometimes the answer won't be no!

"Faint heart never won fair lady" as they say.