Coming to terms with knowing it'll never happen?

[ButtonBound]

OK, bit of background.... 40 year old virgin, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never even been hit on.

I've had self-esteem issues, partly steming from the above, for a while. Kinda just hate everything about myself. No real friends.

When I was younger I guess I just assumed that a having a boyfriend would happen. It didn't and then years later it still hasn't and suddenly it's snowballed into this huge issue. I tell myself I don't need a relationship or want a relationship. I tell myself I don't trust men. They're all likely to cheat. That I'm better off alone. Why would anyone want me? I'd only ever be second or even third best.

I've thought about this a lot recently and realised I've always been a bit strange about boyfriends and whatnot. Always a bit embarrassed by it all. I remember being very young and having a crush on a tv star and my parents teasing me about.... does all of my embarrassment and whatnot all stem from that?

Then I find myself rather sad because part of me does want it. There is someone I've had a crush on for a while.... I see him very irregularly, but I saw him last week and I'll be seeing him in a few weeks again. I don't know him very well but I am attracted to him and we've had casual chats. I don't look at every man like a potential partner but I've certainly looked at this one and thought 'I'd be willing to push past all my anxieties to get to know you better'. And for the briefest of moments I thought he might be somewhat into me (first I've ever thought that about anyone). Then I looked in the mirror and 'yeah, as if that's likely'. And if he did like me, well, I've screwed it up!

In my head, I'll see him in a few weeks and my flirting will be outstanding and bam! he'll ask me out and jobs a goodun! In reality I'll stumble over my words, say something stupid and we'll go our separate ways.

So, how do I just accept the fact that it's never going to happen for me? With my crush or anyone else. How do I accept that when a part of me still wants it.

• apologies for how all overcthe show this post is. I'm sure there are other things I wanted to say but I'm at work but just needed to get something out there.

“I dont have Linkedin .... besides, the person you view on there gets a notification when you view them!”

oh god please tell me this isn’t true?
😂

I know that coldsores are extremely common. I know people who suffer quite badly from them, and yes, they're in relationships. If I'm completely honest I wouldn't have given it just as much thought until I read a thread on here, albeit about genital herpes, but coldsores were mentioned. So I dug a bit further and according to the WHO, both HSV 1 and 2 are most contagious when active sores are present but can also be transmitted when no symptoms are felt or visible. And can be passed on through the sores or saliva. It's not as common but HSV1 can be transmitted via oral sex. According to many articles out there it is indeed a good conversation to be having, maybe not on a first date, but before you start a sexual relationship with someone.

I do overthink things, I know I do... and it sounds even worse when it's put it into words on a forum like this.

@Watermelon44 Apparently so. I had a friend once who was able to see every time a particular person viewed her page!

There may be ways to turn this function off, I don't know.

Ugh, I was hoping it might come off as a little bit shy and cutesy in an endearing kind of way. And then I wouldn't have to suffer rejection face-to-face!

I'm not pinning my hopes on him. I know he could be with someone else, or maybe we won't be compatible.

I’m not sure if it’s been said but have you thought about therapy to work on your self esteem. You need to love yourself first. Then it will happen x

So..... apparently he is married with a new baby. Thankfully I found this out before making a twit of myself!

I'm a bit gutted. I know I said I wasn't pinning all my hopes on one guy but I let myself believe that I could do this and that it might actually work.

I think that's it for me. Given everything else - my lack of experience, my self-esteem issues I think it's just easier to call it a day.

That's a bit dissapointing.

Have you tried online? Most of us have to kiss a few frogs. It could be good practice, just going on the odd date.

OP you are right it is easier to accept its not going to happen - or is it? I see you also googled info so it gave you more armour to choose not to proceed ahead (cold sores). This is a pattern. You want something, you don't believe you deserve it, you look for evidence to prove you are right in not being allowed to get what you want, you try and accept that it wasn't meant for you in the first place, then you head back to ok for a while, until it starts all over again.

Changing this pattern is HARD. You have conditioned yourself to follow this pattern. But it isn't impossible to change - through hard work and determination people change all the time.

Its does require you to invest in making the change though - and no more googling evidence to prove people can't change! ;)

You come across as intellect, honest and funny and I've never even met you - you are the right match for someone and there are very few people who don't ever meet anyone they like. I only know of one and she didn't not ever meet anyone, just tried it once and decided that she didn't want to try with anyone else. She lived a full life without.

If it helps, I met someone and fell in love because I was honest with them - they got warts and all when I realised I liked them enough to put in the time. It didn't scare them away, it didn't make them think I was strange or odd. And even if it did, I would of been hurt, then dusted myself off and carried on looking. That is the worst thing that could of happened. I'd get over it.

You sound scared of being hurt OP - everyone is. But please don't let that fear hold you back. You've got so much to offer x

Apologies as I haven’t read the whole thread.

you don’t have to tell guys you’re a virgin. They won’t know and personally I wouldn’t reveal it.

pick up artists are disgusting but not thing they talk about is “oneitis”, or how getting hung up on one person is detrimental.

I haven’t got time to expand. Forgive me. Im flat out right now. Hope this helps a bit.

I get cold sores. I’ve been with someone for 32 years and have never passed them onto him. I know you’re not at this stage yet but, when you are, just don’t kiss when you have a cold sore or when you feel the tingly sensation just before getting a cold sore.
All the best with finding a partner, I’m sure it will happen for you when you least expect and there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin.

@ButtonBound How does it feel if someone agrees with you and says 'yes Button it probably wont happen and your idea of coming to terms with it is a good one?'

What kind of things have you done to come to terms to not meeting anyone and staying single?
Also does coming to terms with it mean not mentioning or discussing it again?

Don't worry about coming across as being hung up on your crush, OP. That's what crushes are like, and it's completely normal! It's really worth remembering that all those feelings you're having - 'It will never happen', 'As if he'd look twice at me', 'Eek what about potential awkwardness/etiquette around sex' - they are all things which people commonly feel about getting together with someone new, even of they've had lots of relationships.

Go for it! Maybe he'll want to go for a coffee, maybe he won't. If he doesn't, you've lost nothing and maybe the next one you like the look of will.

I think you need to get out of your head and put a plan into action with clear deadlines on it.

1. book a therapist - do this today and make an appointment for as soon as you can get in. Be honest with them. And then book a follow up appointment each time and keep going back.
2. what about your appearance bothers you? What can do you do to fix that, starting today?
3. think 'Next' every time you start to think about your crush. It wasn't meant to be, and there are plenty more fish in the sea. Stop dwelling on this one. You need to start being your own best advocate, think of this part of yourself as the one in charge and make change happen. Read 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' while you wait for your therapist appointment. Good luck and keep us posted!

Some people will always be on their own, it's not true that there is someone for everyone, or 'a lid for every pot', I hate those platitudes and cliches people come out with. I know people where I live and see around and they live alone and have no one. People should open their eyes to this.
I think you have had some good advice on here about getting therapy and professional help, I think realistically this is going to be more helpful than having your head in the clouds with a crush, the crush was just another way for you to stay in your own head maybe?
I think that you don't have or need friends is connected in some way to this.

@Fairislefandango no coffee - he's married 🙁

I'll respond to everyone else later!

Nobody walks around with a big sign on them saying what their sexual preferences are !

I always made friends first through; volunteering, hobbies, work, travel & holidays

Do you have any hobbies ?

Do you go on holidays ?

Good for you for finding out his relationship status.

I agree with PP’s that not over-thinking things and joining a dating website to see who’s out there might be the best approach. Yes, you’ll get some duds, but going on a few dates will increase your confidence. It doesn’t matter whether it goes anywhere or not.

A lack of experience isn’t a huge issue, tbh, everyone is different and if you meet someone you click with, it won’t matter. One of my friends met her now-DH through a dating site….so don’t over-think it, just do it. 💐

I was identical to this in my late teens/early20’s. Everyone was shagging like rabbits. I felt scared and anxious about it. It’s not totally about self esteem. To put it into context, l was a model and had men queuing up for me. But l was still too scared. It’s about anxiety.

l eventually lost my virginity at 21. With a very gentle man, who l stayed with for 11 years. Choose carefully and wisely. This is like a form of social anxiety. I agree that some sort of counselling or CBT would help. It’s the anxiety stopping you, not the self esteem

Just want to give you hope OP. I didn't have my first relationship until I was 45. So don't give up.

Due to extreme social anxiety, I never had friends, etc. So didn't go anywhere to meet someone. I got to 40 and realised I had to do something about it, had therapy, started to go out on my own, even just for a walk or to the shops, just to get me used to being around people. I eventually joined a meet up group for people with MH issues. After a few meet ups, met a guy I clicked with but we started off as friends, met up outside the group and after a few months plucked up courage to tell him how I felt and were still together 7 years later.

So don't give up I thought it would never happen to me. Me too have never done Online dating so my advice is join a hobby group, something you enjoy doing and you never know.

So don't give up, wish you all the best. But most off all make yourself happy, you don't have to be with someone to be happy.

That is disappointing, but it's good you found out because you can move on.

I am going to disagree with many posters here and say you don't need councelling. I don't think you are unusual at all. OK, not having had sex or a relationship at your age is unusual, but lots of people (including me) are exactly like you but they just had luck once. Personality, looks and confidence wise they are the same. They just happened to meet someone and it somehow worked out.

OK you are a bit shy but that doesn't necessarily stem from a deep issue that a psychologist can resolve. Sometimes people are just shy types and that's OK. You might have luck too one day soon. It just takes one chance meeting, one date to go well.

Forget the cold sore thing, it's a non issue.

I'm sure noone is actually interested but I need to get this out.

Things have taken a nosedive. I've become involved with a man online, a married one. We dicuss lots of things, share parts of our lives and yes, there is a sexual element involved. And right now, I feel shit about that but when we're talking... I don’t. Because it's not really me. I'm a highly sexual woman who has had all kinds of experiences. He has no idea I'm a virgin or that I've never even had a boyfriend. He has no idea I'm a saddo who has to "get" a man online and pretend to be something she's not. And he puts up with the nonsense I come off with (the real me stuff) and I know if I was trying to 'woo' a single guy he'd run for the hills if I was just me. He wouldn't be interested.

I guess it's a safe place to be. He wants to talk with me, share stuff with me. It'll never be physical, so I don't have to worry about that. I've told myself I can't get hurt this way but I'm realising that I've become quite dependent on our chats.

I didn't think, after my last post, that this is where I'd be but I think this is as good as it gets for me.