Coming to terms with knowing it'll never happen?

[ButtonBound]

OK, bit of background.... 40 year old virgin, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never even been hit on.

I've had self-esteem issues, partly steming from the above, for a while. Kinda just hate everything about myself. No real friends.

When I was younger I guess I just assumed that a having a boyfriend would happen. It didn't and then years later it still hasn't and suddenly it's snowballed into this huge issue. I tell myself I don't need a relationship or want a relationship. I tell myself I don't trust men. They're all likely to cheat. That I'm better off alone. Why would anyone want me? I'd only ever be second or even third best.

I've thought about this a lot recently and realised I've always been a bit strange about boyfriends and whatnot. Always a bit embarrassed by it all. I remember being very young and having a crush on a tv star and my parents teasing me about.... does all of my embarrassment and whatnot all stem from that?

Then I find myself rather sad because part of me does want it. There is someone I've had a crush on for a while.... I see him very irregularly, but I saw him last week and I'll be seeing him in a few weeks again. I don't know him very well but I am attracted to him and we've had casual chats. I don't look at every man like a potential partner but I've certainly looked at this one and thought 'I'd be willing to push past all my anxieties to get to know you better'. And for the briefest of moments I thought he might be somewhat into me (first I've ever thought that about anyone). Then I looked in the mirror and 'yeah, as if that's likely'. And if he did like me, well, I've screwed it up!

In my head, I'll see him in a few weeks and my flirting will be outstanding and bam! he'll ask me out and jobs a goodun! In reality I'll stumble over my words, say something stupid and we'll go our separate ways.

So, how do I just accept the fact that it's never going to happen for me? With my crush or anyone else. How do I accept that when a part of me still wants it.

• apologies for how all overcthe show this post is. I'm sure there are other things I wanted to say but I'm at work but just needed to get something out there.

sure there are plenty of men who wouldn't be put off by being a virgin, maybe look for christian type dating sites? (assuming you are not completly anti christian?) And plenty of slightly older men who may be widoed and maybe only slept with one woman themselves?

maybe an old fashioned introduction marriage service? (like a paid for type of dating service) which weeds out the tinder/shag type people.

What have you got to lose by asking that guy out? Or putting your photo online?

Because right now you seem devastated that you might never get to experience dating or love or sex. So is the possibility of rejection or it not working out - is that really worse than never trying at all?

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.. most good things in life involve the risk of a little dent in your pride. You just have to brush it off and roll with the punches.

And men don't care about if you're a virgin. In fact many of them like it. That way they get to show you the ropes.

Kinda just hate everything about myself

Having a relationship isn't your priority. You want a relationship because you want to feel happy, fulfilled, and loved. You will never feel like that, regardless of which Prince Charming shows up, if you hate yourself.

Start dating you. Start doing loving things for you. Start thinking about what would make you happy, today. When you go to bed tonight, what would make you happy to think 'I'm so glad I did that today'... do that thing.

Don't decide at 40 that you know what's going to happen (or not going to happen) for the next 40 years. You must be able to see that that doesn't make sense? Everything can turn on a sixpence, and the only reason you don't see it that way is because it hasn't happened to you before, so you have no example of it happening. When you look back at now from 60, you'll see how young you are, how much you had ahead of you. Use it well. Use it to make you happy, content, peaceful, fulfilled, loved.

If you learn to value yourself, you'll learn that being loved by someone so valuable is a powerful thing, and that's a positive spiral. Prince Charming can't provide you with anything like the love you can. He's the cherry; you're the cake itself.

Maybe you need a confidence coach, someone to help you gain confidence in yourself.

Take action OP! Yes you risk getting hurt but that too helps you move forward. Doing nothing and not putting yourself out there isn’t making you feel great so what’s to lose really? I don’t think you’re putting him on a pedestal but it is hard to fancy other people when there’s unfinished business with one particular person.
I was somewhat older when I first had sex and my first serious relationship but if a guy is into you and right for you it doesn’t matter.
I never really liked internet dating much but on a good day I got to hang out with someone interesting and new and I just chalked it all up to experience. And I met my husband in real life whilst internet dating. I think the fact I’d opened myself up to experience and was true to my intent in internet dating sort of helped somehow. I was actively committed to finding someone and maybe that played out in how I came across with other people, I dunno.
Good luck and it can happen. You’re as worthy as anyone else, don’t forget!

Practically speaking... can you find out in advance if he's single? A friend or social media? Save you having to find out the hard way.

One of my NCT group had a single neighbour in her mid 30's at the time. Pretty, shy, lovely personality. She was still a Virgin too. She got married in her late 30's/early 40's to a lovely guy. Whilst it maybe unusual in our times I actually think you ought to view yourself as a precious rare flower that someone will discover and be over the moon with at their find so to speak.
There's a lid for every pot as they say.
There are probably more people out there in your position than you may anticipate, male and female and they're dreaming of the same thing, looking for their match.

I watched a fascinating documentary about a man & woman that went to Holland to lose their virginity. Both were prepared & schooled in exploring their bodies and learning about sensuality. The end goal was for them was to choose if they were to lose their virginity. The man went on to have sex with his mentor but the woman didn't. However she did feel empowered and a lot more confident moving forward.
www.google.com/search?q=Virgin+school&oq=Virgin+school&aqs=chrome..0i512j69i57j0i512l2j46i512j0i512.9772j0j7&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

@GabriellaMontez

Practically speaking... can you find out in advance if he's single? A friend or social media? Save you having to find out the hard way.

I've checked socials, can't find him. He either isn't on them or is incredibly well hidden!

No mutual friends.

When will you see him op? Is it a social event?

You could give OLD another go as a way to practice talking and flirting to people, and to be flirted back with. Pick men who have similar interests as you, even if you don't really fancy them much, and spend some time talking to them. Being flirted with is such a confidence boost! You could even put 'looking to take things slow' in your profile if you're worried about being judged for just wanting to talk first.

Best case scenario, you meet somebody. Worst case, you've just had some interesting conversations.

You could ask him for coffee and then take it from there re finding out if he’s single or not.

If he’s not single or doesn’t find you attractive though would you be ok with either of those situations?

@Gonnagetgoing

You could ask him for coffee and then take it from there re finding out if he’s single or not.

If he’s not single or doesn’t find you attractive though would you be ok with either of those situations?

Well if he's attached or doesn't find me attractive there won't be much I can do about it! Tho if it's the latter I'd be hoping he would lie and say he's seeing someone!

@Jk24

When will you see him op? Is it a social event?

It will be at work. He's not a colleague, he'll just be doing some work for us.

Did you check LinkedIn and companies house? 🤔 #stalker

@GabriellaMontez

Did you check LinkedIn and companies house? 🤔 #stalker

I dont have Linkedin .... besides, the person you view on there gets a notification when you view them!

Not sure either of them would have his relationship status tho!

Only if you're logged in...

Don't get too hung up on it needing to be immediately if it's going to happen. I think finding a therapist is a really good idea. It may take a a couple of years for you to be comfortable with yourself, but that is better than not doing it.

As an aside, I suspect that I am neuro diverse and I went the other way. I looked for approval from men from far too young, without an understanding of sex at all. I had some abusive experiences that have marred my romantic life ever since.

Have you explored what you like yourself? (if that's not too personal). I think that would be a good starting point, so that you know about your own sexuality.

You're right @BoofyBoo, it feels like there is unfinished business. That's exactly the way to describe it. Partly because a small part of me thought he might have liked me and I f*cked it up. I've been over and over that last conversation we had and I've tried to brush it off, tell myself 'he couldn't possibly like me/have meant it that way''. But there's always been this little niggle.

I'm terrifed. Do I just ask him if he wants to go for coffee? Like, do I be that forward?

I'm trying to boost my confidence... I'm exercising, eating better (ish) and being consistent with skincare etc. I've also made enquiries into doing a course on an interest I have. Still looking into therapy... I don't know where to start or how to pick someone.

I must say, my mindset has been somewhat clearer since my initial post. I've been trying to be more positive in general and looking forward to him coming back to the office.

I have my moments when I get too ahead of myself and worry about my inexperience and whatnot. But then I give myself a wobble and remind myself that as nothings happened yet there's no point in worrying.

I think you should try and find a psychotherapist rather than a CBT therapist.

@FrydayFish

I think you should try and find a psychotherapist rather than a CBT therapist.

I think OP is more focused on this guy and trying to date than self improvement, unfortunately. Given that she completely skipped past an offer on the first page to find help:

Have you ever considered therapy to explore your self-esteem? You can really successfully treat low self esteem using CBT with a skilled therapist or on your own. Happy to post some self help links if you're interested in doing it by yourself, or to signpost where you can go on the NHS for appropriate therapy.

@RoseLimeade thank you for the offer, and also to @AskItaliano (apologies, I should clearly have thanked you earlier). I noted you both mentioned the NHS/GP but given the state it's in I imagine I'd be on quite a waiting list which is why I'm looking at the BACP website and other therapies such as RTT (still researching this).

I have a few self-help books, specifically aimed at women. Will they be helpful? Who knows! As I mentioned in a previous post I'm looking into therapy, I'm exercising, eating better and trying to take better care of myself in general. But certainly, if you think there is something else I should be focusing on, do let me know!

I read your first post and was really struck by how you have enthusiastically continued to 'voice' your parents to yourself - they may only have been explicitly crushing to you once (that you remember) but you have continued to make sure that you crush yourself regularly, every day, every time you feel things could be different.

You don't have to do that. You are good enough.

What would happen if you did put more effort into your appearance? Not that you have to, but I certainly like getting my hair cut and coloured for example, and buying some nice clothes. Whether you do this or not, what happens in your head if you think about doing that? Is there an outburst in your head of a voice telling you not to think too much of yourself, telling you not to be a fool or think that you can look better, that you'll just look ridiculous? Have a think whose voice that is and why it's got such power over you.

@PermanentTemporary

I read your first post and was really struck by how you have enthusiastically continued to 'voice' your parents to yourself - they may only have been explicitly crushing to you once (that you remember) but you have continued to make sure that you crush yourself regularly, every day, every time you feel things could be different.

You don't have to do that. You are good enough.

What would happen if you did put more effort into your appearance? Not that you have to, but I certainly like getting my hair cut and coloured for example, and buying some nice clothes. Whether you do this or not, what happens in your head if you think about doing that? Is there an outburst in your head of a voice telling you not to think too much of yourself, telling you not to be a fool or think that you can look better, that you'll just look ridiculous? Have a think whose voice that is and why it's got such power over you.

I'm not sure if I worded it wrongly or if you've misunderstood... my parents have never crushed me. They teased me when I was younger about having a crush on an actor. I wondered if this had something to do with feeling embarrassed or weird about boyfriends etc. My lack of self-esteem is a seperate issue. I think.

It's my own voice. And actually, having just read another thread on here, comments were made about a situation - similar to other issues bothering me and I won't go into detail as it could be outing if any colleagues were on here - and it's put me back to square one.

I'm just not worth the fucking hassle.