Coming to terms with knowing it'll never happen?

[ButtonBound]

OK, bit of background.... 40 year old virgin, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never even been hit on.

I've had self-esteem issues, partly steming from the above, for a while. Kinda just hate everything about myself. No real friends.

When I was younger I guess I just assumed that a having a boyfriend would happen. It didn't and then years later it still hasn't and suddenly it's snowballed into this huge issue. I tell myself I don't need a relationship or want a relationship. I tell myself I don't trust men. They're all likely to cheat. That I'm better off alone. Why would anyone want me? I'd only ever be second or even third best.

I've thought about this a lot recently and realised I've always been a bit strange about boyfriends and whatnot. Always a bit embarrassed by it all. I remember being very young and having a crush on a tv star and my parents teasing me about.... does all of my embarrassment and whatnot all stem from that?

Then I find myself rather sad because part of me does want it. There is someone I've had a crush on for a while.... I see him very irregularly, but I saw him last week and I'll be seeing him in a few weeks again. I don't know him very well but I am attracted to him and we've had casual chats. I don't look at every man like a potential partner but I've certainly looked at this one and thought 'I'd be willing to push past all my anxieties to get to know you better'. And for the briefest of moments I thought he might be somewhat into me (first I've ever thought that about anyone). Then I looked in the mirror and 'yeah, as if that's likely'. And if he did like me, well, I've screwed it up!

In my head, I'll see him in a few weeks and my flirting will be outstanding and bam! he'll ask me out and jobs a goodun! In reality I'll stumble over my words, say something stupid and we'll go our separate ways.

So, how do I just accept the fact that it's never going to happen for me? With my crush or anyone else. How do I accept that when a part of me still wants it.

• apologies for how all overcthe show this post is. I'm sure there are other things I wanted to say but I'm at work but just needed to get something out there.

I'm quite shy and awkward so I probably give off the complete opposite vibe!

Absolutely. Are you going to try it? Understanding the point doesn't change your life, or answer your query.

I don't want to talk, to anyone, to a therapist.

I just want all my thoughts to stop. I want them all to go away.

Where do you see your crush, OP? Is it at work? In a cafe? Do you think he’s your age? That he has kids?

He's married, with a baby.

I don't know about anyone else, but it's not the thoughts themselves but the emotion that can be felt afterwards. I've tried training myself not to link from one to the other. I wouldn't say it's been 100% successful, but what is, it did have a positive impact though.

I also wouldn't want to feel nothing because then I'd feel no joy in anything.

If it helps OP, I used to think similarly and then had a realisation a while ago - a lot of people I know in normal happy relationships are just...normal people.
They aren't Nobel prize winners, they aren't the next Albert Einstein, they aren't supermodels, they're just regular people.
You don't need to be a 1-in-a-million person to bring "enough" to the table, the qualities you have will be enough for the right person/people.

If you can only get people by pretending to be someone you aren't, you will be attracting people who are wrong for you while also repelling the people who could be right by not showing them who you actually are.