Coming to terms with knowing it'll never happen?

[ButtonBound]

OK, bit of background.... 40 year old virgin, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never even been hit on.

I've had self-esteem issues, partly steming from the above, for a while. Kinda just hate everything about myself. No real friends.

When I was younger I guess I just assumed that a having a boyfriend would happen. It didn't and then years later it still hasn't and suddenly it's snowballed into this huge issue. I tell myself I don't need a relationship or want a relationship. I tell myself I don't trust men. They're all likely to cheat. That I'm better off alone. Why would anyone want me? I'd only ever be second or even third best.

I've thought about this a lot recently and realised I've always been a bit strange about boyfriends and whatnot. Always a bit embarrassed by it all. I remember being very young and having a crush on a tv star and my parents teasing me about.... does all of my embarrassment and whatnot all stem from that?

Then I find myself rather sad because part of me does want it. There is someone I've had a crush on for a while.... I see him very irregularly, but I saw him last week and I'll be seeing him in a few weeks again. I don't know him very well but I am attracted to him and we've had casual chats. I don't look at every man like a potential partner but I've certainly looked at this one and thought 'I'd be willing to push past all my anxieties to get to know you better'. And for the briefest of moments I thought he might be somewhat into me (first I've ever thought that about anyone). Then I looked in the mirror and 'yeah, as if that's likely'. And if he did like me, well, I've screwed it up!

In my head, I'll see him in a few weeks and my flirting will be outstanding and bam! he'll ask me out and jobs a goodun! In reality I'll stumble over my words, say something stupid and we'll go our separate ways.

So, how do I just accept the fact that it's never going to happen for me? With my crush or anyone else. How do I accept that when a part of me still wants it.

• apologies for how all overcthe show this post is. I'm sure there are other things I wanted to say but I'm at work but just needed to get something out there.

Don't give up. You deserve to be happy.

I think you should try therapy.

You start off with things have taken a nosedive, and end with this is as good as it gets. 😕

I don't think that's true, but it's almost self-harming with this non-relationship where you're pretending to be someone else.

Oh love. You’re not a bad person, I’m sure you’re in many ways absolutely wonderful, it’s been almost a year since you started this thread, have you thought about maybe some support like counselling or iapt, I think you could be happy one day. Chatting with a married man, isn’t ideal, of course, you don’t have to settle for him, I hope you feel confident enough to be yourself soon ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I feel your pain OP. I am autistic and apparently quite good looking but I have got to over 50 years of age without ever managing to get into a proper relationship before.

I suspect that people would be extremely surprised if I ever told them the truth.

That's what I meant.... things took a nosedive and I'm in a really shit situation. One that's wrong and isn't real. But that's as good as it gets for me. This is the best I can do. I'm not worthy or capable of anything more.

I sometimes wonder if I'm on the spectrum myself. It makes sense when I read about it.

I also often wonder if people, coworkers especially, know that I've never been in a relationship because obviously I've never talked about being on dates or whatever etc or if they think I'm just really really private.

If that's what you believe, that's what will be the case, yes.

We could all decide that if we wanted. But just like if you're shit at cooking, you can learn. There' nothing written in the stars that destines you to be unhappy/poor at relationships/not worth much.

Who is the authority in your life? Who is deciding that you're so unworthy, and what goal does it serve them, to insist upon it?

I don't believe that.

You need to stop believing that.

Hence, therapy. Stat.

You have one life. Stop telling yourself you're worthless and stop doing things to back up that self-talk.

I'm sure you said earlier in the thread that you didn't feel like there was enough time to work on your issues, but you've spent a year that you could have been doing that between coming back to the thread no further on. Time to do the work.

I've reached out to a couple of therapists, waiting on call-backs. I'm not sure it's going to 'solve' anything as such. I know I'm never going to have a relationship. I know I'm not worthy, I literally have nothing to bring to the table. There's nothing about me that anyone wants. That's not an intrusive thought. It's a fact.

But it'll be good to say those things outloud rather than weeping at home by myself. And it would be good to unpack why I desperately want something that I'm not sure exists.

Am weaning myself off the married man. I know cold turkey is what many of you would advise but I know that won't work for me.

That's good news. I hope you find a therapist who is helpful to you. 😊

Sounds good, OP. Relationships aren't the be-all-and-end-all anyway, so don't worry about having or not having one. It makes no difference. You'll fare much better if you do what you want to do for yourself, when you want to do it.

I know that. But when you've never experienced it....

Hi op I commented on your post a long time ago and just read your updates. I’m sorry things haven’t worked out for you. It’s good you’ve reached out to therapists but I think you need to push for an appointment. You’ve got such low expectations of yourself and it sounds harmful.
You have put yourself in a situation where you are relying on someone to make yourself feel better, even for a short time . I know you say you won’t get hurt and you’re essentially protecting yourself but you are getting hurt. You’re invested with this man now and instead of cutting him off, you’re continuing to talk to him. He is entitled to do as he pleases but think of his wife, you know he’s married but you’re still engaging with him. He might not be physically cheating but he is cheating and you’re allowing it to be with you. You don’t owe this woman anything and again it’s his choice, but you’re letting it happen.

Please try distance yourself, talk to people online who you know are single. Try talk to people online and in real life to build up a group of friends. I know it’s tough and much easier said than done but look into local walking groups or hobby groups and try attend one a week to get yourself out there and build up your confidence with chatting to others. This may help with meeting someone and building up a relationship.

You have so much to offer someone, you sell yourself short. Speak to a doctor or therapist to help with your self esteem. Stop pretending to be someone you’re not online, it might help you feel good for a short time but you know it’s not helping you in the long run.

... what...?

... it sometimes feels like something is missing. It would be nice to have a connection with another human being. It would be nice to have someone to care for, and to be cared for, or perhaps even loved.

It would be nice to have someone to care for, and to be cared for, or perhaps even loved

You already have that person. That's not a space that a healthy relationship will fill for you. Fill it on your own, then, if you still want a partner, look.

@Hiddenvoice yes, I agree with all of what you've said. I'm not proud of what I'm doing with him and I would be gutted if I was his wife.

I've looked at meetup but there isn't much in my area or are of an older age group. I've looked at volunteering but the things I'm interested in seem to be weekday roles and I work.

I've tried the self-help books, the podcasts... they work for a while and then I end up at square one again.

they work for a while and then I end up at square one again

This shows that you can make progress on you own, without having a partner.

I was a late starter OP. Sex is easy, you could be at it for a minute and think "ahh that's what this is about" and just go with it. I built it up for years in my head and it made me feel embarrassed at my lack of experience.. but once I was "doing it" I was fine after a minute, you learn quickly, especially as a woman. If you don't want to bring it up (because it sounds like admitting to him or anyone is holding you back) then just say it's been a while and to go gently.

How did you find this man to chat with online? Is it possible you could look for someone else to chat with by this method.

Don't write yourself off OP! Still plenty of wonderful people out there, you might yet meet someone lovely.

First thing you need to do is cut contact with the married man. It will be hard and you will be sad and miss him but it’s not a healthy relationship and you’re not being yourself.

Try go to one of the groups. Even getting out for a little while will be good and through these groups you might be put in contact with groups of younger people.
Contact the volunteering, see if they can accommodate the times you can do- you never know what they will say.

It’s great you’re trying self help books! That’s a good start but you need to push yourself to keep going with it. How have you got on with getting an appointment for therapy?

I was a late starter myself (male) so maybe can offer some insight. I only started attracting attention when I got confidence in myself, people know when you have no belief in yourself and then it affects their attitude to you. I realised I had lots to offer, maybe just in different ways to others.

Being a virgin is just another part of who you are - don't have to confess, you can just say something like ' go slowly, it's been a while' or you can embrace it and share something special with the lucky man

I know you might be feeling a little down and be struggling a bit OP, but its really really really important not to give off a faint air of desperation in your romantic search!

It will scare away the good fellas, and attract the awful abusive ones.

Try and play it cool, OK? ;)

I get what you're saying, I really do. Love yourself first. But you can love yourself to the moon and back and still want a partner to share things with.