Coming to terms with knowing it'll never happen?

[ButtonBound]

OK, bit of background.... 40 year old virgin, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never even been hit on.

I've had self-esteem issues, partly steming from the above, for a while. Kinda just hate everything about myself. No real friends.

When I was younger I guess I just assumed that a having a boyfriend would happen. It didn't and then years later it still hasn't and suddenly it's snowballed into this huge issue. I tell myself I don't need a relationship or want a relationship. I tell myself I don't trust men. They're all likely to cheat. That I'm better off alone. Why would anyone want me? I'd only ever be second or even third best.

I've thought about this a lot recently and realised I've always been a bit strange about boyfriends and whatnot. Always a bit embarrassed by it all. I remember being very young and having a crush on a tv star and my parents teasing me about.... does all of my embarrassment and whatnot all stem from that?

Then I find myself rather sad because part of me does want it. There is someone I've had a crush on for a while.... I see him very irregularly, but I saw him last week and I'll be seeing him in a few weeks again. I don't know him very well but I am attracted to him and we've had casual chats. I don't look at every man like a potential partner but I've certainly looked at this one and thought 'I'd be willing to push past all my anxieties to get to know you better'. And for the briefest of moments I thought he might be somewhat into me (first I've ever thought that about anyone). Then I looked in the mirror and 'yeah, as if that's likely'. And if he did like me, well, I've screwed it up!

In my head, I'll see him in a few weeks and my flirting will be outstanding and bam! he'll ask me out and jobs a goodun! In reality I'll stumble over my words, say something stupid and we'll go our separate ways.

So, how do I just accept the fact that it's never going to happen for me? With my crush or anyone else. How do I accept that when a part of me still wants it.

• apologies for how all overcthe show this post is. I'm sure there are other things I wanted to say but I'm at work but just needed to get something out there.

@FrydayFish

I think you should try and find a psychotherapist rather than a CBT therapist.

I agree. Most of us could probably benefit by chatting through issues now and then. I know a couple of people recently who are successfully sorting some stuff out.

Meanwhile just crack on with the office guy. Nothing to lose. Plan a few lines that could possibly work. Imagine saying them.

Or, don't take the chance and you'll never know.

@StormTreader

It sounds to me like you're very risk-averse and trying to find a way of dating that has no element of risk WHILE ALSO being so sure of rejection that you're convinced it won't work - of course those two things reasonably result in you not wanting to date!

I can really sympathise as someone who was bullied a lot at school and taught that NO-ONE could possibly be interested, while also not being a stunner that guys approach.
For people like us, we can't sit back and wait for the handsome prince to approach us, we have to take a risk and make the first move, often. And yes, you'll be rejected by some people and it will hurt, and you'll feel silly and that you shouldn't have asked because rejection sucks.

But you'll find that the world doesn't end by someone saying no, and one rejection won't result in the end of everything and everyone, and you might even learn to be proud of yourself that you did take that chance and ask. And sometimes the answer won't be no!

"Faint heart never won fair lady" as they say.

This is a great post.

Thank you for putting into words what I was thinking, but much better than I could have.

So, he still hasn't been back in!

Anyway, I was all geared up to give it a go in one way or another but it's pointless. I have too much going against me, too much making me not a great catch. I was reading a thread earlier about someone asking if she should date someone with herpes... now I've not got genital herpes but I do get the odd cold sore... I have the virus, that would need to be discussed... and whilst it might not be a huge issue in the grand scheme of things, when you add it to the list... it all seems so dire. I literally have nothing going for me.

Sometimes I think it'd be better if I didn't exist.

So I'm back to the start.....

How do I get to a point where I can accept that it'll never happen for me?

You make your life so nice for yourself that you don't care anymore whether you meet anyone or not.

How? When I know that I'm just so.... unlovable? That everything about me is just.... wrong.

Well, apart from how truly wrong you feel yourself to be, what do you like to do? What are you interested in? What is fun for you? What would you like to do that you never have? What do you wish you knew about but don't? What skill would you feel to be helpful to you, that you don't have? What makes you laugh? What makes you dance? What makes you do a fist pump because it's so pleasing?

And when you have met someone who you do like and there is the teeniest chance they might like you back?

I never worried quite as much about tbis stuff because there wasn't anyone. Now there could be.

Regardless of love and relationships, a person can have a happy life.

If you insist on only thinking through that one lense, and refusing to think of other things that could make you happy, then, yes, there'll be so much pressure on any relationship you have that it likely will crumble.

Think about yourself, rather than yourself and a partner, or how a partner would feel about you. It truly doesn't matter, and if you choose to focus only there, it's likely that you will choose unhappiness.

Do things you like. Perhaps you will meet someone who likes doing the same things, and then there's a thing attractive about you ('She loves the same stuff as me') Learn something new, and then there's another thing attractive about you ('She's really passionate about learning x/y/z') Do things that make you laugh and then there's another attractive thing about you ('She's got a great sense of humour and loves to have fun')

Change your focus to you. You will meet more people, do more things, have a happier life. It's doesn't matter if you meet a man or not.

It's doesn't matter if you meet a man or not

I used to think that, I was very pro that thought. Clearly something changed.

Then go about it by enhancing your life for you.

You asked the question, and that's the answer. Once your life starts filling up with stuff you love, you'll focus less on an unknown man.

Hi Button,

With all due respect, you may be an introvert and/or have anxiety towards dating/flirting.

You should see a councellor / psychologist to help you improve your self esteem and that can also help you navigate through dating. Dating/ flirting is really a skill, some of us are not good with it and some excel. It could help to read self-helf books as well.

For me all woman are beautiful with the right help, good style, hair style, make up and confidence. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Everything has a risk so be prepared to meet some ass#*, don't take it seriously and move on. Online dating is really though, must have thick skin but worth it. I met my 10+ year husband online.

Good luck!

Dating/ flirting is really a skill

Really dangerous attitude, this. You don't need skill to spend time with someone you're comfortable with, and if you're having to make enough effort to call it a 'skill', you're faking.

All you need to be able to identify is if you like someone, and that, if they show signs of being not-likeable to you, you know you'll leave. That's not a skill. That's basic boundaries. Anything further isn't based on how 'skilled' you are. It's based on how much you like them.

For me all woman are beautiful with the right help, good style, hair style, make up and confidence

And what the hell? What about the women who don't wear make up and are shy? Not beautiful?

This is surely a joke comment?

If you want to focus on not ever finding a man @Watchkeys advice is brilliant. Answer the questions! What makes you happy, what makes you laugh?

An earlier post suggested you were 'risk averse'. This is totally true! Cold sores?! Millions of people with cold sores are in relationships. All kinds of people find someone... (even people who don't wear make up!)

Stop yourself if you find you're pursuing a negative chain of thought. And go and see a therapist about developing strategies for how to spot and manage the negative thoughts you have about yourself. We ALL have aspects that aren't our best features. But it's unhelpful to obsess over them and convince yourself that they define you.

Op you talk yourself more out of doing things then you actually do them. Do you do this a lot in life?

Thoughts are not facts. They pop into your head. They are called intrusive thoughts. It's the brain's medieval way of keeping us safe vut it misinterprets stressful situations as dangerous.

You owe it to yourself to give yourself a life worth living.

I've been there, I've been scared. But I live by this motto now. It pays to be brave.

You say you hate online dating. But have you actually gone the whole hog with your photo up? Say yes to yourself less no and find where you end up.

If online dating is not for you in the end, there are still dating agencies. If I was ever single again, that's what I'd do.

Be brave op. You can do this.

@GabriellaMontez I probably wouldn't have thought that much about cold sores either until reading a thread here yesterday. At the end of the day it's an extremely* contagious virus that can still be passed on even when not having an active flare-up. As I know I get cold sores it's only right that I disclose this information. Ordinarily it wouldn't be an issue, it is what it is, but it's on top of the virgin thing, on top *of my living arrangements. The other stuff I can work at, and am happily working through at the minute. It's the bigger stuff that makes me feel like.... it would all just be a bit much.

@Opaljewel if I'm honest, yes I probably do talk myself out of things. Up until the other day though I was quite prepared to do this. I was mentally in a better place, then bam!

Heyyy... don't be so unkind to yourself. I'm sure you wouldn't put down a friend like that, so don't do it to you! 🙂You sound funny, cool and interesting from your posts, there's no reason he wouldn't like you (other than the normal reasons people don't date - eg he's not single or there's no click).

You're not being weird or creepy liking someone, it's normal! And I'm guessing it must feel like a really big thing when you've been single a little bit longer than others. But even if you ask him (or give him your number or whatever) and he says no, that's still success! You did it, go you! You've boosted your confidence and if you've done it once you can do it again. I don't think you should work on acceptance it will never happen for you, I think you should keep an open mind. You sound like a lovely person, why shouldn't you meet someone equally nice?

Oh and don't mention the cold sore thing,that is you overthinking! Maybe in time if you want,but not right away.Dating is like a job interview, you have to make a good first impression and stun with all your best bits! In the same way you wouldn't kick off a job interview by saying you've got a boil on your bum, maybe don't talk about what you perceive as bad things about yourself right off (and there's nothing wrong with having the occasional cold sore anyway, my understanding is that if you don't have an actual outbreak it's fine.) Good luck and report back, we're rooting for you!

OP, most people get cold sores from time to time. You really are overthinking this. You sound lovely and for all you know, he might be worrying about all these things too and want to ask you out. Life is so short, it really is. What's the worst that could happen? He says no and then at least you know you tried. And even if he says no, has a girlfriend or whatever, he will still be very flattered that you asked him.

Could you not tell somebody at work and they could ask some questions for you to find out his situation?

I could argue with everyone of your excuses. But I think you'd just find another... you need a change in attitude!

These things are problems youve created. Being a 40 year old virgin may be unusual (perhaps not as much as you think). But no half decent guy is going to be put off by this. Quite the opposite I suspect.

I'm not a fan of online dating as a way to find a meaningful relationship. But I think it's a great way to keep your hand in and test the waters. In your case I think it would be really useful to go on a handful of dates with no intention of taking it further, literally just to practice chatting, flirting, and getting used to the idea of yourself as a person who is open to dating and relationships.

As for not wanting to put a picture up, just pick your best shots and see who bites - also obviously be safe and tell someone your plans.

When the right person comes along it will happen. They are probably just as nervous as you. It's never too late someone posted on here the other day her 85 year old nana had a boyfriend.

OP i say this with kindness but you really should consider seeing a therapist to unpack all these issues you are worried about. It will help you immensely to talk through it with a professional.

No-one here can answer how to come to term to being single and lonely, or why you think your inherently unlovable as both those statements are your own negative self-talk, you are the one that has that script in your head about yourself and until you begin to be open to changing the negative self-talk you will always remain the same.

That might sound harsh but your life is being ruled by your negative, incorrect thoughts. Change the way you think about things and change your life. Plently of people find love and relationships at age 40. So can you.

It's doesn't matter if you meet a man or not

See, I'm not a fan of this because if you do really want a relationship then it does matter to you, I know that it matters to me and that kind of comment can feel like its heaping an extra item of "guess what, you're failing at this as well!" on top of everything else.

I'd say that a better way of saying it is "meeting a man shouldn't be the only thing that matters to you - it's not the single measure of success or failure at being a person. Let the fact that it DOES matter motivate you to try and push out of your avoid-all-risk comfort zone, but try and also look for opportunities to just do things that are nice for you simply because it makes your life nicer and richer and that's worthwhile in itself."