Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

I know it is so ironic. Her mum is so lovely. I think it is why they got brought in so easily. If I had H on a pedestal his mum's is even higher but she was reliable on calling him out or thought she was.

The message I sent to his mum was.

Not sure how to begin this but H and I have separated. He was unfaithful to me before the wedding and has remained in close contact with the woman for the majority of our marriage and manipulated me to be her friend lying to friends and her that I was aware of what he had done pre wedding . While he has promised nothing happened since we are married, the fact he never told me about what he did before the wedding and stayed friendly with her is too much dishonesty for me to remain with him. If you want more information please speak to H.

@Mix56
He possibly does love his both. But he can't have us both.The thing is he doesn't seem to want to admit that he loves her romantically. This is what I just do not understand. His reluctance to admit this. Who is he trying to protect now?
He doesn't seem to know what he wants but he hasn't been honest to me for 8 years.
If they love each other so much why did they not get together when she was single and he was not yet married? Why marry me, why start a family with me, have a second child with me?
She was not his work wife before I met him. We had been together for 7 years and were engaged when she started working with him. He just failed to tell her this and she chose to cheat with someone she knew was atleast dating someone else.
I have no idea how she views my daughters. It seems like the two of them have no idea what they want and have given no thought of the collateral damage they will create in the process. Her behaviour suggests she has conned herself into thinking she feels nothing, he is her friend, iam her friend and we can all play along as best buds.
It has all come crashing down when she got married and forced my H to confront his true feelings, if this was her way of forcing my husband's hand then fuck me what a ruse.

She's painting herself to be an innocent party though. She knew nothing, she was lied to too, she was a good friend to you etc. And her husband treats her bad so everyone will understand when she leaves him one day. What do you think will happen then...

@BadNomad I cannot wrap by head around people planning their life that way, making themselves unhappy for years to manipulate a situation. Who does that? They could have been together for the past 8 years. H stills wants to be with me from his messages. Why marry someone knowing you plan to leave them. I just do not understand that. Why did my H bring the OW back into our lives (pre daughters).but then start a family with me? He could have ended it at any time between 2014-17 and just have had an ex wife but instead he continues this for what? So confused.

I know it's wrong but I would really want to reply oh there's no misunderstanding. He was licking her fanny a few weeks before our wedding, has lied to me ever since and everyone knew and he lied to them too, telling them I knew and had forgiven him. Please do tell me how there's a misunderstanding there. I'm dying to know.

I think your message to your mil let's your husband off lightly tbh - although I don't know how you could have included more.

It let's him off lightly because it makes no mention of the fact that he still has strong feelings for her etc etc. Although you're fair to him in saying that he's promised he's been faithful since your wedding (too fair), the truth is there's been suspicious behaviour since. He just hadn't confessed it (yet?) And the OW is hardly like to confess to more when she's on her honeymoon!

Remember, this isn't just something that happened once 8 years ago (which is how your MIL and delightful mum might have interpreted things), but an ongoing issue of faithfulness that's wound its way through your entire marriage and life.

Remember this when they seen to suggest you're overreacting.

And btw, he's still expecting this will blow over.

a few weeks before our wedding

Not even a few, 3 !

I think that he doesn't necessarily love OW more than you or anything like that. I think he's an extremely manipulative and selfish person who is gratified by having a "perfect" marriage and also a "love" on the side. He was upset at OW's wedding not because he loves her so much, but because he expects to be number one in her life. And in your life. And everyone's life. He's lied and engineered this situation because he gets a kick out of being in control of you all and it makes him feel good to think he's getting away with everything.

As for OW, I'm not convinced that nothing more has happened between them. I don't believe for one tiny second that she thought you knew. I think she sounds like a very selfish and manipulative person too. I wouldn't be surprised if H has kept stringing her along for years, but she has lied and manipulated you too.

No one has treated you with kindness here. It's unbelievably cruel.

[quote Sazdun]@BadNomad I cannot wrap by head around people planning their life that way, making themselves unhappy for years to manipulate a situation. Who does that? They could have been together for the past 8 years. H stills wants to be with me from his messages. Why marry someone knowing you plan to leave them. I just do not understand that. Why did my H bring the OW back into our lives (pre daughters).but then start a family with me? He could have ended it at any time between 2014-17 and just have had an ex wife but instead he continues this for what? So confused.[/quote]
Because the wedding was already planned and 3 weeks away. Because he would look like an asshole to pull out at that stage. I'm sure he never planned to leave you, just lie to you for the rest of your life while weaving his bestie into every aspect of your life because he wants her there. Of course he doesn't want to split up now. He'll look bad, he'll lose his home, his family. He has told you he has feelings for her. She is not going anywhere.

He regrets the stuff before marriage, wished he had told me but he didn't know how to once we were married.

He chose not to tell you when you would have had chance to delay or cancel the wedding or choose to carry on. He took the choice away from you when it would have been much easy to untangle yourself.

Worse, he concealed it from you while nurturing a close relationship with her and then crying at her wedding.

He is a first class shit.

God this is horrifying, I feel so sorry for you.

I wouldn't be able to forgive any of them ever. I certainly don't think I could look at my husband without disgust again. I can't see how you can come back from this.

Sorry OP

The only way he could PROVE that you are more important to him is by swearing he'll end their friendship. But I suspect even if he does that it will just continue in secret because he clearly still has non-platonic feelings for her even after 8 years and 2 children later.

I am proud of you for getting everything out in the open. It needed to happen and it does give you the power and show you are no push over.

I would reply to MIL with the exact details of what happened. He will have manipulated her and downplayed it all. You need to set the rule to her and say that under no circumstances do you want OW in your life. [I would also potentially threaten moving away to ensure this is the case if others aren’t supportive].

So the truth has also come out from OWs mum that she had a crush on him when she started work. She may well and is likely to have know about you earlier than they are making out and just chose to ignore it (what colleagues don’t talk about their partners and I think his other colleagues would have mentioned it to her if she’d been giving of the friendly vibes, which they always do!). From the feedback you received from his cousin that he called him after the incident 3 weeks ahead of wedding wondering what to do it sounds like he ended it and not OW when he decided to still get married. This was probably why OW got angry. He is covering for her so save her reputation. He has always put her first.

Leave him with the kids and take a few days for yourself. I would also be suggesting her looks after the kids elsewhere. Tell him you are putting the house on the market.

I think you should include the whole crying at wedding and saying he loves her in the messages to his parents etc. It was that that started the whole unravelling - and it's that which makes it clear he has not moved on. What a total piece of shit. I just hope he realizes what he threw away and that it haunts him forever. I wonder if her DH is thinking that she will leave him now that your DP is a viable option for her .... You deserve better . A lot better.

I have been following your posts. I think its very believable no one said anything and bought the story he rolled out.

I think sadly you probably won't ever get to the bottom of what exactly has gone on. It's all so twisted up between them it's like a maze.

I think her mams message is lovely but also would make me think both him and her are full of absolute bullshit about them just switching to just friends.

I think you were really brave texting everyone and letting them know your husband is a liar.

I would try and arrange some counselling for you. This is betrayal on a massive level with so many different parts to it and you need a place for you to begin to process it all.

How would you feel if both of you divorced and he married OW?

try and arrange some counselling for you. This is betrayal on a massive level with so many different parts to it and you need a place for you to begin to process it all.

Definitely. Think you really need this.

@Roundlampshade how do you think she would feel?? What a strange question!

Definitely don't throw his Whisky away. Sell it. Should be worth at least £300 maybe double that, if there are single malts maybe even more.you should be able to Google them by brand. It might sound very little but it will keep you busy for a while

Has your sister been in touch to support you?

@Maybe83

I have been following your posts. I think its very believable no one said anything and bought the story he rolled out.

I think sadly you probably won't ever get to the bottom of what exactly has gone on. It's all so twisted up between them it's like a maze.

I think her mams message is lovely but also would make me think both him and her are full of absolute bullshit about them just switching to just friends.

I think you were really brave texting everyone and letting them know your husband is a liar.

I would try and arrange some counselling for you. This is betrayal on a massive level with so many different parts to it and you need a place for you to begin to process it all.

I too think more has happened between them since you got married. I think if OW told her now husband something happened she would have minimised to ensure that they could keep there friendship and not need to give it up. It’s starting to sound very suspect and almost like a cover story that everyone knew. I wouldn’t trust any of them and they will have defo have been talking about this behind your back.

You also need to put a stop to your daughter idolising her. I would try to make sure that daughter registers you currently being upset with the OW and would personally be saying to your daughter that ‘auntie x’ has done a very bad thing to mummy to make her upset and you will no longer be friends with her.

The number of times I've read on MN that it's perfectly OK for a man and a woman to be best mates.

I too think that there is more to it and that they have been hiding in plain sight

So sad for you OP. Been there (to some extent) and it was hideous

HUGS

The number of times I've read on MN that it's perfectly OK for a man and a woman to be best mate and it is, but there's a big difference between friendship and what's been going on with this pair, which has been obvious since op's first post.

Yes I think counselling will have to happen. Just on budget brain where we have been watching every penny the past few years for extension and then mat leave. Has anyone had any? What sort of prices should I expect?
Not sure if I am brave or the waves of rage take over but it is out there now. I would love to actually tell MIL what happened but I think it would lead to a heart attack. I also am quite cautious of how I deal with his family. I think they are the one group of people who will be loyal to him, but would also tell him to get his shit together.
Heard nothing from my sister. She actually had an affair herself with her boss which ended her engagement when she was in her 20s so ...
Another day done eh...cannot believe it has been less than 3 days. House is a tip. Ran out of milk so daughter is on cloud nine as bedtime milk is chocolate milk ( which she normally only gets as a brunch treat on Saturdays and she is allowed to stay up late to finish watching encanto for the 20th time. Chocolate milk encanto...auntie x who?

@Sazdun

Thanks all. Both girls asleep. Had several calls from H but ignored. He collects nice bottles of scotch while making toast I just poured one down the sink. I know it is a waste but God it felt so good. Trying to practise what to say to my friend and even get the words right and when I think about it all that is in my mind is them at it. Eugh. I wanted to know everything yesterday and now I wish he hadn't. Is it normal to flip flop like this?

At least you can put the bottles in the recycling!