Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn that is the pathetic thing, it seems I don't really have any. All my friends pre husband have either drifted away or are uni friends and we are all friends with each other. Aside from that I have work people I am civil to or mums who are not close per se and are more friends because of our kids and I don't know how I would even begin to tell them all this with out me also looking like a gulliable fool.

He may well not have slept with her since you got married. But that doesn't stop the facts that
He cheated on your just before you got married.
He's lied about it ever since, including when you challenged him directly about it.
He's brought that woman in to your friendship circle, and encouraged you and your children to become close to her.
He admits he loves her in some way, and you can see this from watching how he acts (and someone else thought they were married).
Despite having cheated with her, and still being attracted to her, he hasn't done the sensible thing and distance himself. He's fostered an environment where their closeness could grow.

Deeply, deeply disrespectful to you. You deserve better. Does he have any half decent answers to why he did all this?

The frustrating thing is what he did was awful at the time, but at the time if he'd been honest you might have been able to work through it and if not then it would have ended then. Instead he chose to lie to you for 8 years. Every day keeping this from you, manipulating you into welcoming that women into your life, into your children's lives. How terribly cruel and selfish. Do you think he'll cut her out now if you ask? Don't you be afraid to ask! You do not have to accept her as part of your future.

[quote Sazdun]@friendlycat OW wasn't at my wedding. Prior to us getting married I had only met her a few times at H works nights out and he talked about her a bit but not in a way that bothered me too much as they were driving to work together or he would bumped into her as we all live nearby. When I got annoyed was on one night out when a colleague called her his work wife and I guess it annoyed me because I wasn't even his wife at that stage and his team made comments about me coming to check up on him. She only really got properly into my life after they started hanging out again. Apparently when they just had to be in each others lives as friends and she was wanting to.involve me so I didn't think there was anything else going on[/quote]
Ok. That’s one thing that’s a bit better. I got that wrong and thought she had attended your wedding three weeks after their liaison!

I think as others have pointed out though, it’s all down to your H. He’s lied to you both basically and possibly to himself as well.

But his long text to you was very revealing in his feelings towards her. It does sound as though he’s conflicted and it’s all rather a mess.

Sit tight, keep strong and consider all your own options and feelings.

What a mess. The centre of this shit show is your husband. He is a master manipulator and a lying,cheating, bastard. None of this is on you @Sazdun. What he had done and the Web he has weaved is unforgivable.

@Sazdun that isn't pathetic at all, actually. You see it a lot in enmeshed relationships and there's no doubt your husband has certainly ensured you're in one of those.

You don't need to share this with anyone you're not comfortable with. I hope you're close enough with your mum to speak to her, even if she is in Australia rn.

At times like this it feels like your whole life is crashing down around you and the challenges in coming through it can feel almost insurmountable. But these are times when you discover so much, not least your inner strength.

You will emerge from this stronger and you will build yourself a life centred around you and your children. You will find happiness again, happiness that is not constantly undermined by the suspicion of betrayal. As a pp said, you will rise again and your will soar .

Layladomino is right, even if he hadn't physically cheated since your marriage (debateable), his actions and choices have ensured that the betrayal has continued through the years since.

You're not a gullible fool. You have loved a man who is clever enough to con many people and there imo that contains indications of a controlling personality.

He keeps repeating the same crap but with different words. He regrets the stuff before marriage, wished he had told me but he didn't know how to once we were married. She stayed away but when they were forced together for a project they knew they could be friends without it going to anything else. They both love each others company so fucking much it seems. He thinks you can love someone with platonic passion. She said if they were to be friends I had to be involved so it was above board. He apparently loves me and our life together and so he ensured that was the case. He was always happy to just be her friend and needed nothing more. The reaction to her wedding he doesn't understand himself but he doesn't want to lose me the girls or our life together. He will go tk counselling and answer any questions i have when I am ready but he won't lose me without a fight.No mention though of her slinging her hook though. His job is also quite niche. We have a loan for our extension connected to his work as a bank was a client and they were giving discounted rates to his company. If he leaves we have to pay the loan back within 6 months which we simply cannot do. The reality he cannot leave his job now, so they will still see each other at work even if he vies to break ties which I don't think he will ever properly do. I just wish he would be honest and say yes I love her and not just as a friend. It would destroy me but then the ball is not in my court to end this marriage the blame doesn't lie with me finishing it when the girls ask.

This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever read on MN and that is saying something.

Your H is a manipulative, lying, sociopath. He has lied to EVERYONE and managed to isolate you among your friends. It's awful.

You will make new friends and live a happy life surrounded by those you can trust. In the meantime you can talk to us

That level of manipulation is so far beyond normal cheating bastard level it's scary. He's a bloody psycho! He's manipulated everybody in a very calculated way for years. I think there's a very dark and unpleasant side to this man that you'll likely really start to see now he's no longer in control of all this.

he won't lose me without a fight

Oh I see, and when do you think this fight for you will start?

I'd say he already has. Years ago.

"No mention though of her slinging her hook though."

Didn't think so! He has no intention of ever changing his best of both worlds!

"The reality he cannot leave his job now, so they will still see each other at work." Of course they will - and its never going to change!

I agree this is the worst thing I have read on MN too. That’s why I felt the need to respond when I’m not normally one to comment. I jay felt for you so much. There are lots of people on here who will support you. Don’t feel trapped into making a decision because of the implications of leaving him will have on your friendships etc. I’m not really sure how you could stay with him without having a mental breakdown! I can’t see how couples counselling would work in this instance, it’s not a lack of communication thing, he has caused too much damage with his selfish and manipulation behaviour).

I wouldn’t trust anything that he has said thus far, he started off minimising and then went into a bit of detail but it may be the absolute truth. I’m not sure if you do want I know but I honestly think you need to show everyone your not a pushover and I would start with OW message and telling Husband you want to separate (even if you are on the fence you need to look firm and strong so he doesn’t manipulate you and understands the seriousness of this all).

Just to add - They all appear so fucking nice and reasonable all this time - so now you're the problem kicking up after all these years!

You're the one creating the shitstorm!

He has them all well versed on what to say to you. Its all very convenient for your friend to say she always thought you knew, easier to lay the blame on your husband, he probably has instructed them. So you can't blame them for their betrayal also!

As far as they're concerned you should be well over it. Now to the shock, horror they've just realised that you never knew anything about it.

I hate to say this op. but they're all lying to you! the reason no one ever brought it up again was, it was easier for them that way!

Don't fool yourself into thinking they thought you knew all along! When something doesn't make sense its usually a lie!

Your friend is still your friend but it was easier for her and her husband not to get involved - to be honest I can understand their thinking- no one wants to be responsible for stopping a wedding the way they saw it was if Sazdun has decided to marry him we're not getting involved - but in all these years for your friend never to mention it again - doesn't make sense. It was easier for them to forget.

For the record - that OW is not a nice person - she's a conceited two faced snake, who after all of this will still look to maintain the friendship with your husband.

Your husband is now manipulating you with going down financial pressure route on you - If he doesn't get his own way in staying in his job - and maintaining his contact with the OW, its your fault.

I wouldn't have anything to do with any of them! You and your children deserve better. -

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all this @Sazdun & remember none of this is your fault as you are not the one who has wrecked your marriage, he has.

Don't fool yourself into thinking they thought you knew all along! When something doesn't make sense its usually a lie!

I'd find it very hard to believe that they all thought you knew, when not one of them ever raised it with you. It would surely have come up at some point. "It's weird how well you get on with OW, after what happened." "Give me some advice - you managed to forgive H's infidelity, how can I?" "Doesn't it worry you that they're on a work trip together, after their affair?" ALL SORTS of ways that this would have come out over the years. The only reason it didn't is because they all decided to keep the truth from you.

Utter, utter bastards. Your H is a sociopath, and the rest of them are weak and despicable. As for Cheating Elsa, I wouldn't trust her one bit. She's lied and lied and lied.

Thanks everyone. Just burnt the potato waffles and screamed on frustration scaring the girls. I don't want the older one to see me like this. Just decided to grenade it. After finding out so many people knew I just left a message on our friends group whats app (H is a part of) and text everyone associated with us including her mum. I didn't want to lose the control like this but I feel every emotion back and forth and feel like I want to explode. I don't want to tearfully explain again. Now they know. It seems like in this situation I will always come across like the angry, bitter one and it isn't fair.
Surely I am not in the minority in this. Another friend in the group threw her husband out for a few days when she found out he got a private lapdance on a work trip, even the guys ( H included, two faced prick) told him he was out of order as he was married and yet they all think I found out before my wedding he was with another woman and accepted it and then let her back into our lives. Who would do that? I would understand possibly if we had never heard from OW again but she is here still and they seem fine with it, or have been gossiping about it behind our backs for years. Is that the bit I found hardest? I don't know. So sorry everyone this thread is like a train of my thoughts. I just find writing it down means it doesn't swirl around in the same way
I feel like I am turning into one of those me me me people but I expected more from people some of who I have known over half my life, are my kids godparents. The only person who has responded without the so sorry we thought you knew bullshit is OW's mother. see text below and my own. Aside from the cousin his family has said zilch. I just want a break from this and stop to think without more and more stuff coming out. There is no break though. Exhausted. I think I might just ask him to come back and look after the girls while I take a day and night to myself. The baby won't settle with anyone but me or H so cannot ask my friend and at the moment I don't think I want her to.

OMG. Speechless.Had no idea they were ever anything but pals. Initially thought she had a wee fancy to him when she first start at [company they work for]but she was always adament they were just friends. Thought he was a better man that that. Disappointed at OW She was raised better. I apologise on her behalf. We are here but would understand if you want me and [her H] to not come next Wed [they were providing some stop gap childcare] and step back. We care about you and the girls a great deal and would miss you all very much but you have to do what is right for you and why we can't have a place in that. Always here if you need us. Will be speaking some very harsh truths to [OW] no doubt about that. Take care.

FYI to get a sense of the calibre of my mum.

Well that is not a nice message to be woken up with in the middle of the night. Sorry to hear this, I'm sure you will be able to work it out. Mum

This advice is meant to be supportive and is based on my own experience ..

First of all, be proud of yourself for standing firm despite all the smoke and mirrors surrounding you.

Believe me your entire friendship group will know all about what’s gone on. Time to say feck ‘em all, clam up and break free from this spider’s web.

So get to a divorce solicitor, with all your financial information in your hand (don’t believe anything your stbx says) put the house on the market and move away.

Tell the children whatever you think appropriate about daddy and auntie x (even the truth if they are old enough).

There is a new life to be lived. It won’t be easy but you won’t regret it.

@beastlyslumber exactly. I said this to my friend and she just said she didn't know how. One friend has text back that it was always weird for her but she thought bringing it up would be stirring it and didn't want to break up a marriage if I had decided to forgive him and move on and her husband told her not to get involved. Good to see the boys all sticking together though. Pretty much a copy and paste of That's fucked. Shouldn't have done that, they will kick his arse (unlikely) he loves you, he would be lost without you. He is lucky to have you, hope you can work it out and we are here if you need us. Literally no mentioned of OW.
H has just responded to say
He deserves that and for them to know because he wasn't honest with anyone.
I had no idea I had surrounded myself with fucking clones.

My MIL;
Oh lovey it seems like it has been a massive misunderstanding. He loves you very much. It will take time but for your own sanity find the strength to forgive them please.

Them! Not him, them! Guess who has been speaking to mummy

The message from OW's mum was really kind and exactly what you want to hear. What a shame that message didn't come from your own mum. Funny how the OW's mum immediately understands that you need to separate away from OW and her family, yet everyone else seems to think you should just carry on like it's all fine.

Fucking hell. I can't imagine not saying anything if you were my friend OP. I would have asked you about it at some point for sure. I can't believe no one ever said anything. Your friend who said she didn't want to break up a marriage - sounds like she didn't think you knew, but decided it wasn't her place to say? I'm not sure if that's even worse.

What the hell is wrong with these fucking people? Are they stupid or cruel or both?

And yeah, the lads sticking together. Quelle surprise.

That message from your MIL would make me want to punch a wall. Where is the compassion for you? Where is the empathy for you? How have you been put at the bottom of everyone's list for all these years?

In your original thread, a lot of people pointed out that you had your H on a pedestal and didn't seem to think yourself worthy of him. Turns out that he has been cultivating this idea, not just in you, but in everyone around you. They all think it's okay to treat you with a shocking lack of respect and concern. This is the situation your H has engineered. Literally no one except OW's mum has treated you with kindness here. I'm so sorry.

You deserve so much better xx

I wonder if you said, "this fight to keep me looks like this: you will not speak, or work with OW ever again.
She will never be around my children
She will never set foot in my house,

Would he do that ?
I dont think so.

He

He lives you both
They gave both been in love with each other for years.
She was his work wife before you met him
She considers your DDs more or less as hers
He almost cried at the wedding because he wished he was the groom

Loves