Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

Ran out of milk so daughter is on cloud nine as bedtime milk is chocolate

Made me smile :)

2 options. You could go via nhs, your trust may have a self referral scheme.

Or you could use the money from selling his scotch to fund a private therapist

@Sazdun

He keeps repeating the same crap but with different words. He regrets the stuff before marriage, wished he had told me but he didn't know how to once we were married. She stayed away but when they were forced together for a project they knew they could be friends without it going to anything else. They both love each others company so fucking much it seems. He thinks you can love someone with platonic passion. She said if they were to be friends I had to be involved so it was above board. He apparently loves me and our life together and so he ensured that was the case. He was always happy to just be her friend and needed nothing more. The reaction to her wedding he doesn't understand himself but he doesn't want to lose me the girls or our life together. He will go tk counselling and answer any questions i have when I am ready but he won't lose me without a fight.No mention though of her slinging her hook though. His job is also quite niche. We have a loan for our extension connected to his work as a bank was a client and they were giving discounted rates to his company. If he leaves we have to pay the loan back within 6 months which we simply cannot do. The reality he cannot leave his job now, so they will still see each other at work even if he vies to break ties which I don't think he will ever properly do. I just wish he would be honest and say yes I love her and not just as a friend. It would destroy me but then the ball is not in my court to end this marriage the blame doesn't lie with me finishing it when the girls ask.

This is not your fault. If you end the relationship its not your fault. He married you under false pretences and your relationship is based on a lie. It's his lie. He chose to cheat. He chose to lie. He chose to manipulate everyone around you and continue the lie. He is still lying. He is lying to himself about his feelings for OW.

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn, quite.

She's just a friend. Yes and everyone else knew the truth. More mug me.

I think I might eventually be able to get my head around the terrible betrayal 3 weeks before the wedding, if I was absolutely certain nothing had happened since, but I'd be fuming that he actively encouraged her to be part of ours and our children's lives since then. However, if I really loved him and wanted to give things another go, I would insist he went to counselling with me and I'd also insist that he never had anything to do with her ever again. I'd insist that either he or she resigns so they no longer work together. I know you said there is a home improvement loan tied up with his job, but if he so desperately wants you back he'll find a way around it. Can't he borrow from his parents or add it onto your mortgage, find another lender or even sell your house and move away for a fresh start? Let's see how sorry he really is and how serious he is at winning you back. See how well he complies when you lay down a few ground rules. He has to publicly choose you over her after he has humiliated you in front of everyone. Although, my fear is that they may both see this as their chance to finally be together now everything is out in the open. It'll be interesting to see what happens when she gets back from her honeymoon. I'm thinking of you OP and wishing you well.

@Zonder

I actually don't think this reflects badly on your bff and her husband. They really seemed to think you knew and were on your side. It's your H that's the problem. I guess he thought he could hide it all and it would go away... And for years he was right. I think you and him need a big long talk away from anyone else.

Essentially he had a fling before you got married but hasn't done anything since, apart from last week at the wedding where he got emotional. It's up to you now whether you can forgive him for the affair and not telling you, or whether you want to call it a day.

It's a truly horrible situation.

This sounds like an apology for him. "He hasn't done anything since" - he has, he has lusted after someone else for his entire marriage.

I saw your last thread OP and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can understand how everyone through you knew but they should be so much more angry. I am furious on your behalf, how dare he lie to everyone

OP, I really really feel for you and hope you find a strength to come out of this. Something similar happened to my sister about few years ago. Basically her ex 'd' h was and is still in love with his friend but didn't have a courage to break off the engagement so carried on marrying my sister and gaslighted her few years, having the very same women really nearby. They were weirdly smitten. I saw how they were together so made a couple of comments but my sister didn't or couldn't do anything about it except just carrying on with her life with her ex husband and that woman in her life.

He finally left my sister because the other women had enough and gave him an ultimatum.

Some people rather fake till death than facing the music. Utter utter coward.

Thinking of you, be strong.

You can be 100% certain that H & Elsa have done so much messaging that his phone has gone into fusion.
Her honeymoon has been bombed.
There is a huge chance they return in tears.

I wonder whether you should message your husband and say that you will never be able to accept OW in your or children's life again. His reaction will be telling

Yes indeed

@kaleidoscope123

I wonder whether you should message your husband and say that you will never be able to accept OW in your or children's life again. His reaction will be telling

Absolutely this

@kaleidoscope123

I wonder whether you should message your husband and say that you will never be able to accept OW in your or children's life again. His reaction will be telling

Totally agree

@Sazdun read your original post before he was honest and just caught up.

Can understand your friends position, when my DF had an affair he and ow were ‘dating’, in plain sight of people my parents knew, one of my DM’s and DF’s acquaintances/friends saw DM out and asked ‘Are you okay? Are the Children okay? What about DF?’ … Mum thought it was a bit of a weird exchange but was like yes everyone is fine, (she had no reason to say otherwise) when the affair broke they said they honestly thought she knew because their affair was so blatant but DM was completely oblivious. Over 20 years of marriage and 4 children she sent him packing, got a good solicitor and filed for divorce. Apparently it broke his heart, he lost weight and ended up on antidepressants (for a few months)

So so sorry, devastated for you. What a manipulative cunty bastard he is.

There will be highs and lows but you will get to a good place and you will be happy again, with or without him. Please, please do not let him back in your life, he absolutely does not deserve you. You and your children deserve so much better. If you do consider taking him him back, I’d get yourself to a good place first and only then when you are calling the shots, decide if you want him.

Like @RiverRats said I too am furious for you. This isn’t very MumsNetty but sending you the biggest heartfelt hug.

Feministwoman

kaleidoscope123
I wonder whether you should message your husband and say that you will never be able to accept OW in your or children's life again. His reaction will be telling
Totally agree

Definitely but I would do this in person to see his body language.

I think I still need to actually come to terms with the fact we are over. In a way it feels like I am not even talking about my life. I don't want to be a single mum, I don't want to be the woman who found out her husband was such a liar but I am and it is out of my control. Leaving his job is not an option and I don't want to leave my house and sell. In the future I may have to but it is such a great area with a fab school and I want that for my daughter. I hate I have had the rug pulled out from me. I think I could probably demand the world from him and he would say all I wanted to hear, I'm sure I could even talk myself to forgive him for before the wedding if I knew nothing else had ever happened but the fact remains he still cannot admit how he feels about her to himself let alone me and I cannot have him in my life until he has worked that out even then...
That being said, I don't think they could be together in the real world. I have got to know her and day to day life would tear them apart if it was to happen. H and I met when I was 23, in a way I think I have grown and been shaped by him, vice versa and I can live with his quirks that would drive another insane that she has even said to me, drives her nuts. It is stupid stuff like she refuses to iron for her H while my H has all his clothes ironed by me every week and he can't iron to save himself. Her house is filled with expensive candles while H hates the smell.of stuff like that. OW loves beach holidays while stuff like that is my H hell. He's a stubborn guy, no way can he completely change who he is at his core for her and it last.

Oh OP, I really am so sorry. What an absolute sh*t show! For what it's worth, I think it sounds like you're doing amazingly well. Your daughter sounds very happy, so job done! Encanto and chocolate milk sounds like an awesome evening.

Been thinking of you x

I think she needs to gain more strength before she see’s him in person and this is one of the final unknowns before she can fully process, let go of all the tears and then be in a stronger position when she talks to him in person. Don’t forget we are working with a shameless and skilled manipulator so he will read her body language and feed on that in person.

I would also be tempted to text OW new husband and ask him exactly what he was told about what went on with OW and husband as you have heard different accounts and you are trying to get to the truth. I think he probably slept with her fully before the wedding and he minimised but whether they have been even remotely honest with the new husband or whether they sat down and agreed a cover story to tell you or OW thinks you know the full truth and you actually don’t know it all yet is another matter.

You need to attempt to find out the truth to find out just how much of a liar he is, it’s better for you to process if it all comes out now rather than bits and pieces setting you back in time

@kaleidoscope123 yes you are right.

Been following all your posts. As someone who was cheated on, I am outraged for you by MIL's response, a misunderstanding it is not. Wish I could tell her to fuck off for you. Its probably her treating him like that, thats caused his high opinion of himself in the first place.

OW's mother's response is very objective and considerate.

Your mum's reply yes...I can see what you mean, not compassionate.

OP get yourself to a solicitor to get legal advice, you need to look after yourself x

I don't think I could speak to him face to face right now. Looking at him while he told.me what he did on Saturday with her was the worst thing. I couldn't process the words he was saying I actually thought I mis heard him and asked him to repeat himself.

Get him over to look after the children and go and stay in your mum’s empty house or hotel for a couple of days. He needs to be the one trying to keep everything together as he has created this. You need time alone to process and plan x

Sazdun, it might be that find both individual and joint counsellor helpful. It could help you find clarity, get your head around things and decide what you want to happen next.

You don't need to rush into any decision, whatever the views of other people are.

Yes, he's taken choice and control away from you but when you confronted him you took it back. From now on, you're in the driving seat.

I've read all your posts and just want to say I'm so sorry. Your husband has behaved disgustingly to you. The OW's mother (or is it MIL?) sounds brilliant though, and based on what you've said i wouldn't be too harsh on your friend that knew - it sounds like she did try to talk to you about it before your wedding but didn't realise you were talking about different things.

Best friend has asked her SIL who is a family lawyer to speak to me unofficially and she passed on her number to call when I was ready this evening. While I don't think she handled it well and I am still annoyed with her I also want someone who.knows all parties involved to vent to and who might be able to find out kore on my behalf, just wondering if info will get fed back to H via her Husband. Hate all this game playing shite, I also don't even know what I still need answers too or if it makes any difference.
I guess I just keep thinking why.