Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

However he has been encouraged to process his feelings before he starts trying to make amends with me so we have limited contact

Realistically though he has to get over her, and it takes people a long long time to get over people, and sometimes the ones that take the longest to get over are the 'what if' ones, the 'almost' relationships.

If he comes back in a week or a month saying he's ready to move forward with just one woman to love I wouldn't buy that at all because that's just not how these things generally work.

It's 6 or 7 weeks the line now and he's struggling with this...and this is a man who is well able to talk about feelings and emotions and emotional needs and x, y and z in great detail, he's probably already had a 1001 conversations with the OW in his head in that time..but yet all this time later he's writing a letter to her about how he felt and feels even though his marriage is on the brink. This is a man that is seriously struggling to give her up.

I think you should leave the OW's husband out of it now. He is obviously ok with it and doesn't believe he was deceived...so it's not making her look bad to him, it's just making your husband look like more of an idiot. And for all you know it could get back to the group and you'll feel mortified if you take him back.

It doesn't illustrate the difference between men and women.

The OW didn't cheat on her husband, and she didn't encourage him to become close friends with someone she cheated on him with and make him look like the most forgiving man in the universe, and she didn't then admit that she loved another man and then act the way the OPs husband has been acting since the reveal.

The circumstances are completely different.

This really does sound very difficult for you and you also mention building work and upheaval in your home which just adds to the daily pressure.

Only you can decide what you want to do at the end of the day. But do remember that you’re feelings are valid in this. It’s difficult to not comment that once again it comes back to your H having to process how he feels and taking time out to see whether he can go forward with “just one woman” in his life.

He may well be in turmoil but your feelings and worth here are paramount. What her H feels about it all are different because he has confidence in his wife, rightly or wrongly but that’s between them. It’s how you feel about this and the future going forward. It isn’t just down to your H.

It's interesting that you function so well without him, yet when he's around, it destabilises you. He sounds like an emotional swamp who totally drains you because of his great needs. You are falling back into the trap of servicing his needs every time he comes near you. That is serious conditioning and it's that that needs to be the focus of your counselling. The OW is the stick he has constantly beaten you with and he continues to do this. What he should be dealing with is not his love for her but his cruelty to you.

He is still behaving like a self absorbed teenager, mooning about & dwelling on his love for another woman.
Either he commits to being a loyal monogamous husband or its done. Its not rocket science.
You dont want a 3rd person in your marriage, one who has the privilege of the fun part, the whispered secrets, private jokes, work banter & fond little nicknames, whilst you are being the steadfast humdrum wife up to your neck in real life, home, family.
The fact he's still swooning over her, & hasn't had the balls to admit his infatuation/love/limerence is wrong in the context of your marriage & tell you,
"You are enough" is enough.
Except, wait, if he admits it he knows you will tell him the marriage is finished & he will end up looking like a fool, no marriage, home, family, no one making his meals & washing his Y fronts.
And no unattatched OW. ....
Just a crush.
The saga ends there

The other womens husband is not bothered because I suspect he is of the opinion that if his wife wanted to be with your husband, she could have been, but she simply didn’t want him.
All the while your husband is acting like Dawson from the creek, constantly navel gazing and the embarrassing simple fact is she doesn’t want him, and chose her current husband over him.
Sorry, but I would point out what an absolute fool your husband is making of himself, mooning after a women who just used him for an ego boost when the man she really loved wasn’t interested in chatting through her self indulgent bullshit.
He must be losing his appeal a bit? You on the other hand, sound absolutely amazing OP.

The other womens husband is not bothered because I suspect he is of the opinion that if his wife wanted to be with your husband, she could have been, but she simply didn’t want him

Also, he's also always known the full story and wasn't lied to.
Big difference

Not sure what to say @Sazdun which is unusual for me. But thank you for the update and hoping for a peaceful resolution for you

You're doing really well op.

If I was you, I'd have sent his letter to the ow, so that he is embarrassed by it as then she finally knows the truth too. That he's a sad individual that isn't worth anyone's time.

Bluntly, your 14 year old diaries sound exactly like your DH because that is the emotional maturity level at which he is and has been operating.

It's interesting that you function so well without him, yet when he's around, it destabilises you.

These comments leapt out at me as being true and to the point.

This honestly all sounds excruciating. So you are waiting around for him to get over OW and decide he is ready to be with you. Is there an indefinite time allowed for this - if he takes years, are you okay with that?

I think your couples therapist advising him to write a love letter to OW was crazy. Why are they indulging his nonsense? I don't get it. Maybe you would be better off with individual therapy to process your grief and anger. You've been cheated on, lied to, and betrayed for the whole of your marriage - watching your husband moon about writing love letters doesn't sound like it's quite what you need just now. He obviously has his process and lots of support. Maybe you should get your own therapist and work through your own stuff without his influence.

He destabilises you when he's around because he's an emotional vampire.

Oh my goodness OP

Is he still deliberating over whether or not he is able to put you first, over and above OW???

How long is he likely to take to make this decision?

I'd find it insulting tbh

Thanks again everyone. Sorry for being MIA but this single parenting malarkey leaves little time for much else than sleeping.
Obviously he has been comparing it to a death so I don't think he is being told to write an letter to her to stay in touch but more what he would like to say to her so to speak, think it is more about exploring the grieving process. [Insert eye roll here].

A lot of the stuff I have been exploring about myself though has been tough going too. I am such a people pleaser despite me thinking I am no nonsense. Have raised some of the points people have raised across this thread but ofcourse they give away nothing all very much about guiding you through.

Was asked to picture my life without H and I could but it still feels a bit like a defeat. Lots of discussion around why I would continue with something that makes me unhappy and it comes down to not wanting to lose or not conform to expectations of perfection. Also feeling it is unfair that I tried my best and yet I am the one who loses out by having to go alone, likely sell my house etc. All still one step forward two back.

Annoying that I still find my H v. good-looking but the image of him being intimate with her just will not get out my head and so I cannot picture us being together physically without that cropping up in my mind. I saw an advert of a new film with Emma Thompson where she hires an escort...should I just get one of them to balance the books?

However I stupidly signed up to a dating site just to see what is out there....slim pickings. Obviously not anywhere near considering that but I am thinking telling H I want to seperate may bring him to his senses. OW is off the table and I don't see him dating. It really does feel like he is having a bit of a break down. Normally he is very active but not been to the gym hardly since all this kicked off.

Not much of an update really but that is life I guess. Oh actually the most exciting thing was the builder coming round and the works starting yesterday.

Sounds like you are getting on with what needs to be done Sazdun, like "copers" the world over. In your shoes I would not be in a hurry to call an end to the marriage. It's too easy to break and not so easy to rebuild a family life. I think it is a very individual thing and there is no rule saying when you must call it quits / bin him for the sake of the sisterhood or your dignity or whatever. Many people are fools in middle age, and many marriages survive foolishness. The important thing is that you do not feel either trapped into staying in a relationship you no longer want, or alternatively, driven to end it to save face when really you don't want to do that. Please just feel empowered to do what is right for you, at your own pace. 💐

@DivorcedAndDelighted yes you are right regarding ending it too soon. We are to all intents and purposes in the trail seperation stage but it feels just like purgatory. Lots of people telling me it is time for me to reach a decision and for H to stop dithering but if I am being objective and hugely sympathetic I suppose H is grieving his little made up world we he had us both. He knows he can't return to how it was, nor is he able to have her. I know I am not the consolation prize but he needs to deal with his feelings and get her out his system before we can even begin to rebuild.
I also don't know who my H is anymore either because the man I thought he was he isn't. The first reason I would look to rebuild is for my girls. No one will love them as much as their father and if I have the opportunity to keep that for them I feel I should. That being said I also do not want to be back in this position 15-20 years from now as I hit 60 because we just kept it for the girls and pretended all was fine. Still much to work through.

Not really found many people who have fell back I love with their partners post cheating /deception without there being loads of stipulations in place.

I agree with wIth everything @DivorcedAndDelighted says. Only you know how you really feel and whether you think the marriage is worth saving, and ignore those people telling you should make a decision now, it's not their life and not their marriage. You should take as long as you need to come to a decision about your family's future, there is no deadline. If takes as long as it takes and it's nobody's business but yours and your H's.

I can totally relate to the excitement of the building works starting, that is something positive to focus on.

I agreed with ALMOST everything @DivorcedAndDelighted said, except this:-
Many people are fools in middle age, and many marriages survive foolishness

I would just point out that for @Sazdun's DH, this is a long term, sustained thing. Not some brief moment of madness, not a one-off mistake or bad choice. Sustained, manipulative for YEARS.

@Sazdun, you're doing amazingly. And don't be under pressure (or give into any) that forces you into a decision before YOU are ready.
And I'm honestly not trying to manipulate you or nudge you to one choice or another, but I'd just observe
A. However much you want to do the best for your DC, you have the right to the most enjoyable life you can have. If you stay just for them, is there a risk you could end up bitter, angry, suspicious, paranoid? Things that would ruin or taint their childhood anyway
B. Do think what you're modelling to them. If they were adults and in your situation, what would you want them to do?

Is your DH still seeing OW at work? Are they communicating? Would you know? Would it upset you one way or the other? I really do think you've got incredible dignity. Good for you 💐

Lots of people telling me it is time for me to reach a decision and for H to stop dithering - no one has the right to dictate your timeline. It's entirely up to you.

Obviously he has been comparing it to a death - giving up a friendship/relationship with another recently married woman - in favour of rebuilding his marriage - is comparable to an actual death? Death of what? Death of his fantasy? The thought of not spending time with her is like a bereavement? and your guidance advisor didn't pick up on that?
It sounds as though you are coping really well with all the upheaval but I really hope that you make yourself and your own needs a priority now, rather than trying to be good at keeping everyone else happy, because you will always be able to keep your children happy, whatever you decided about your marriage, as you sound like a very caring mother. In another 8-10 years your children will be preparing to live independent lives, so think of yourself too.

Obviously he has been comparing it to a death so I don't think he is being told to write an letter to her to stay in touch but more what he would like to say to her so to speak, think it is more about exploring the grieving process. [Insert eye roll here].

He's treating it more like a break up, than a death.

Of course grieving is a stage of a break up but generally the circumstances are that you've lost the person you spent your life with, all the future plans, all the little things you did together and so on, that doesn't apply here.

I’m absolutely gobsmacked that you’re expected to sit back and allow him to grieve her to help him. That seems so utterly fucked.

Glad to hear you're doing alright given the circumstances.

I get why you would want to stay. Life is hard then kids involved and it would feel like it was your decision to end what you thought was a good life.

I do believe that this isn't going to go away. It wasn't just a quick ego boost or a one night stand. I think it will be hard to rebuild and in the end I fear, like you said you could be in this situation again in years or months to come.

If you're happy without intimacy in a relationship then that arrangement might be enough for you. I don't think it is for most and why often relationships don't seem to carry on that long after cheating.
As they can't get the image out their mind and their self confidence doesn't recover.

It's all a lot of work to do whichever way you decide to go.

I think he's an emotionally immature jerk who thinks he's living one of the dramas out of those old picture story magazines we used to read in our teens. Someone with that level of maturity holding down a job and having two children and responsibility is terrifying. From start to finish this whole sags has been like watching Hollyoaks. He's enjoying the drama, attention and star crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet garbage.

I get that you have two children and an alleged friendship group - members of who've all been fed garbage - but this much drama? I'd want a fresh start.

Make sure he is picking up some more of the childcare! He can’t just take himself off in isolation and leave you to it all! You’ll be to exhausted to make sure your needs are met.

@Sazdun it sounds like you're going into the counselling with your eyes wide open, and I'm really rooting for you - whatever you decide. I think you're absolutely right to see that there needs to be brutal honesty now, however much it hurts, however hard it is, and whatever is said that the other finds hard to hear. That's your only hope of building any real trust, and a new relationship with your DH.

And if you find that you don't want to continue the relationship, you'll have more peace moving forwards, knowing that you tried everything you possibly could first. And you'll be able to answer any questions your daughters might have down the line.

Sounds like you've got your head screwed on, and slow and steady wins the race. It will take both of you time to really sort through everything. Like @Buildingthefuture said, this is a huge shit sandwich to swallow!

You're amazing to be getting through this with so much grace, dignity and compassion! Sounds like your girls have an incredible mum. I'm very, very glad you're working through your own stuff and getting your own needs met as well though! That's critical for both you, and your daughters futures. Really hopeful that you'll end up somewhere you're truly happy at the end of this chapter, albeit somewhere unexpected. Everything is a chance for a new beginning of some sort - even the bad stuff.

I agree with everyone else - you should take as much time as you need. I think you are behaving with a lot of grace and dignity, but your husband is not anywhere near that. His grief over OW is disproportionate to what he claims their relationship to have been. It seems very controlling to me... he will consider committing to your marriage again but you have to accept that you're second place. Once you accept your position, it can all go back to 'normal' - with you doing absolutely everything to try to please your husband and keep him happy and stop him from leaving.

I think for you, it sounds like the dynamic has changed, and you are starting to see that this kind of relationship is unhealthy. It sounds like your husband has not caught on to himself yet. Does he have the capacity to do this? Would he be able to change? Or is he just keeping on doing what he's always done, because it's always worked before, and quietly blaming you for not behaving how you always have in the past?

Ultimately, this was a huge and ongoing betrayal of you, your marriage, and your children. Whether or not you decide to continue the marriage is not a decision that you can make fast, and those pressurising you to make your mind up are not acting in your best interests. I wonder why it's so important to other people around you? Are they invested in the previous dynamic - if so, why? Anyway, that's not your problem. I think you're doing amazingly well with it all. Take your time

Whether or not you decide to continue the marriage is not a decision that you can make fast, and those pressurising you to make your mind up are not acting in your best interests. I wonder why it's so important to other people around you? Are they invested in the previous dynamic - if so, why?

I think everyone just wants the status quo/a quiet, easy life/no drama

Also, if @Sazdun accepts everything and things go back to "normal" it assuages any guilt people around may feel for their (albeit unwitting/unknowing) part in this