Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

I feel for you. It sounds a ghastly position to be in. Your children are young and they understandably are your focus.

It’s not helped with building works, which are for future enjoyment, giving more stress and upheaval. plus financial outlay.

But somewhere in amongst all of this your feelings, both current and for the future are paramount. In time things may become clearer for you.

However, I have to agree with a previous comment made by another person in that your H’s feelings of grief do seem rather disproportionate to what their friendship is/was claimed to be. Whilst it may be one sided from your H’s perspective and his fantasy, life is for real and for living with those of whom we are properly engaged with on a daily basis, family life, marriage and the nitty gritty that goes with that. Until such time that he fully recognises that it’s difficult to see a way of moving forward.

you are being very resilient and patient which is laudable. I hope that time helps you to find a clearer path whatever it is. I couldn’t help but note that you commented on another thread and reiterated that your husband is in love with another woman. Whatever you do, don’t sell yourself short.

It IS utterly fucked.

I can imagine that even if the OP and her husband give it another chance and even seem pretty happy for a while, that eventually the resentment and all the memories of this time and his moping about acting like he's suffered a death 🙄will come up and seep into every part of the relationship and the OP will hate him.

it seems to me this seperation will take long till him and you see things clearer.
but there are things to consider:
is he broken mostly that he is losing her?
where do you stand in his feelings, which priority?
i think thinking about kids is right but they wont be happy in an unhappy family.

@Sazdun I feel that you want to give it a go and will find out that the fat lady has indeed sung. You will always be wondering what if , if you don't give it another go.

I can understand this

If you give it a go and subsequently break up, it will be much more straightforward for you

It’s your life and your call, Sadzun. If you try again with him, you will indeed need stipulations, firm boundaries, in place. His ‘grieving’ sounds exactly as you describe it, the penny has indeed dropped and he’s realised he’s got to grow up, own his own shit and take some responsibility for his choices. Talking of choices, he’s got to grow up and choose. And stick to it, whilst he still might have a choice. No more dithering, time’s up. It‘a a tough part of trying to reconcile, when partners are openly ‘grieving’ the loss of the affair relationship. It’s a bit like coming off a drug. I wouldn’t go anywhere near him under these circumstances until he’s finally come to his senses, then see if you still want to give it a go. With boundaries. And no expectations that it will work and you can always walk away knowing you tried. Don’t rush one way or the other, time is your friend here. X

I'll stop asking if you like @Sazdun , but continuing to think of you and hope you're surviving

Hope you all doing well @Sazdun

OP I've read most of the two threads and have to say that must be so awful. Your DH has lied throughout your marriage. Only you can decide if you can get past that but I am not sure most people would. I do think it might do you and the kids a favour to get away from all this for a bit although I know you say not possible right now. I think the fact he has lied so much and is clearly infatuated with this women and they way she seems to have wormed her way into your daughter's hearts presumably because of the guilt or because she literally wanted your life is awful. I couldn't forgive either of them. Acceptance that it happened may be all that can be achieved but no one should expect you to forgive them! Any one that suggests you should is not a true friend and doesn't have your best interests at heart or has no idea what it's like to have your heart shattered. Yes she may have had cancer and her father die but that doesn't give her the right to ruin other people's lives! Your husband sounds like a weak man who has enjoyed having two women on the go. Sounds as though he was/is hoping all the fuss will die down and he can go back to how things were but it sounds like you have put your foot firmly down on this. Good! From now on you should live your best life without these living toerags, put yourself and your kids first. Find new hobbies and new friends not involved in this weird circle of being complicit in an affair. Distract yourself from this rubbish and gradually you will start to move on! I hope you are ok and wish you all the best and strength in the world to live your best life Xxx

*Lying toerags not living toerags!

Sazdun, I’ve been thinking of you. I hope that things are much better now.

Ditto @Sazdun , thinking of you.

I know this thread is very, very dead.

But I'd like you knowv@Sazdun, your thread really stuck with me, and I've often thought of you. I assume you took him back.

I really hope it all worked out for you.

Your thread really touched me. I'm not sure why, but it did

I too have wondered about you, Sazdun. I hope things are going well for you and the girls.

This thread popped into my head too randomly the other day!
Regardless of the decision I hope @Sazdun has found some peace and happiness ♥️

I know this is an old thread but I hope you are doing ok @Sazdun

Sazdun, I too have thought about you often. I hope you are doing well.

If you feel comfortable returning for an update, please do.

This is probably the OP I think about most often. Whatever you decided @Sazdun I hope you and your girls are doing well and are happy.

I'm going through this now. 8 years two kids and he just left and moved into his mum's. I found out about an emotional affair a year ago, he always denied it but finally came clean and I'm sure it was just the tip of the iceberg.

You are doing so well. I stupidly reacted badly in a clingy way and was completely flawed by it all. I've gone no contact now and in the acceptance stage. Have school arrangements so not seen him in a month and all drop offs done via school which has helped.

I can't imagine being in your situation and living with him. He really is trying to get a reaction. That's what my ex did so they can make out you drove them away whilst they don't even tell people half the truth of what happened and why they left.

Take each day as it comes. Become more independent as that's what will keep you sane and afloat.

I would read these kind of threads for years and think I was so lucky and then it happened to me. I honestly don't know how I will ever trust a man again. All I know is I will become stronger from it and if one day I meet someone else and the same thing happens down the line I will be mentally prepared and in a stage of life where I can move on swiftly rather than what I did this time round.

Bottom line is there is way more attractive women than men these days the ratio is like 3:1 basic math mean if you want a good one you have to share. I know it’s unfair but it’s just math and now we live in a society where those men can access the women that desire them at the click of a button. I hate to be pessimistic but all the women who think their husband isn’t cheating are either better at hiding it or the women are too trustworthy or they are with a man no one else desires. I will get everyone saying how this isn’t true and my Dave would never do this but they do.

Sorry, I know this is an old thread, just wanted to ask @Sazdun what happened? Are you still together?

Oh my goodness the openness of this thread is incredible. I've got to say I don't think I've ever seen someone handle this sort of thing as well as you have. I really do hope that you're in a better place now be it together or apart.