LONG POST Just spent afternoon with friend and wonderingwhat others think of this . Head cannot make it more succinct, well I can.My best friend knew.
She came round today knowing something was up with H and me but I sobbed my way through it all .When I finished she was visibly upset and said she thought I knew. I swear it was like him telling me all over again. My heart was pounding and i was shaking. I can't believe other people knew.
Context, Her H is my H's cousin and close friend, i suspected H might have said something to him at some point but never that my friend knew. I met H through her dating his cousin, as she has been my close friend since we started uni. Turns out H told him right after he did THAT with OW and asked him what to do. When I asked her what did he mean what to do, like did he mean tell me or go ahead with marrying me, she said nothing. I'm now wondering if it crossed his mind to call off the wedding.
She said her H/his cousin wanted me to know. Incase H didn't, he told his wife, my friend who was also my bridesmaid knowing she would at the very least tell me. Friend told my H if he didn't tell me she would. He promised her it was a stupid mistake, said he would tell me and she said she sent messages to OW on social media calling her everything under the sun and to stay away from me and H. Even then OW said she only found out we were getting married and was sorry and it was at an end.
When I asked why she never told me, she said she thought that was what our fight before the wedding was about.
H and I had a fight two days before the wedding she thought that is what it was over and her H told her not to bring it up as it was between me and H, unless I did, as it would ruin the wedding that was seemingly still going ahead and maybe i needed time to figure it out. Obviously I didn't bring it up because I never fucking knew. The fight my husband and I had before our wedding was about the bloody flowers and his gran telling me they were unlucky, for funerals and far too ostentatious. At the time I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because it was such a stupid argument especially because everyone seemed so shocked at as arguing as we generally never really had massive shouting arguments, I also went off on one about his gran and didn't want it coming out what i said as i didn't mean it, it was just said in anger in a fit of pre wedding stress. I'm now thinking he manufactured that who fight to make it look like he had told me. He was so shitty in the run up to our wedding but I was nippy too, so never thought much of it.
I even remember best friend coming to me after I stormed away and telling me if i had any doubts that i could walk away and she would deal with it all. I laughed at her being what I thought was way over dramatic because I was just angry about flowers and embarrassed i lost it over a stupid thing, I quickly went and apologised to H because i didn't want people thinking there were any actual problems or for it to ruin our pre wedding BBQ. I even remember that night saying to her I was mortified because people were walking on eggshells with us after the fight and her telling me it was his fault and I had nothing to be mortified about. Again i just assumed she blamed him as it was his gran being an opinionated biddy and he should have never passed her thoughts of the flowers on. Obviously they thought it was over something way more serious and our getting married was my forgiveness.
As I said my H and I were always 100% honest with each other (or so I thought) he was the one out of his group of mates who would tell me if they went to a casino, who got up to what or if they all ended up a strip club on a stag do. He would call me on nights out back in the day and the lads would be shouting in the background calling me father or the priest and acting as if my H was at confession and telling me not to tell their wives and gfs. Because he was so honest they all thought he would have the balls to tell me and from what my friend says, they believed OW was a nobody in my husband's life who would just go away after we got married. My best friend would actually call me the most forgiving person she knew and I always assumed it was because I was the cool wife that knew and didn't get bothered by that sort of stuff while all the others were kept in the dark by their husbands about lads night and trips away and operated on better to not know. When one of my H and her H's friends cheated on his gf, she [the gf] told me that she told her cheating BF, they had to be more like me and H and 100% honest no matter what if they were stay together and work it out. I remember thinking I had the best relationship and was so smug. Everyone probably just thought I was an idiot. It seems everyone in our circle of friends knows of this and even judging by my friend's reaction will be angry I am hurt and he didn't tell me but not angry at what he actually did because they have all known for years and have since accepted her into our group of friends I spite of it.
In the midst of this earlier while i was seeing to the baby she must have texted OW because she then said she had asked OW for her response. Friend was just repeating the same shite OW texted me on Saturday. Feeling terrible, thought I knew blah blah blah. Asked friend how she could even look at OW knowing that she had done that and she said she loathed her but when H and I started inviting her to things and then when I had her at girls nights she figured miss forgiving here really was a way better person than everyone else. I know initially my friend was stand offish with OW and I remember that and I thought it was because I had mentioned way at the beginning not being sure about her but they soon got on quite well as i was inviting her to more and more things because i thought OW was lonely and half thought if she had more friends she might not rely on H as much.
Friend told me today that before she accepted OW into a friendship of sorts, her and OW had a chat, she warned her that if she ever heard anything else had went on she would go straight to me and discussed years ago her being with my H. OW apparently was 'so grateful I had been able to get past it and let them be friends. While she called OW a bitch today and said the things she was supposed to say it felt like she doesn't view OW as being guilty in any way. Maybe she has had time to work through that anger and ask OW the questions I still have, plus also it is not her husband who has been up to this. Friend says she doesn't think there has been anything going on sexually since we married ( though it isn't as if OW would exactly disclose that is it).
I don't even think that is the biggest issue now. It is that he never told me when he could have and now on top of that, it is that other people knew about this and he told them I knew or implied it. My friend is so angry that I actually didn't know but even she didn't get angry about OW like I thought she would. This woman has infiltrated everything that was mine and it was me that let her do it. I feel so stupid. While friend seems to be saying the same thing as OW and H, I don't know why she would lie to me or repeat OW and H's narrative if she didn'tbelieve it or think it to be true. Although the fact they maybe haven't been sleeping together this whole time isn't making me feel any better. He could have kept her out. It seems she stepped back for a bit, why did they both come back to being friends, why did he let her back in? Why was I not enough? He chose me, he chose to have a wedding, he didn't give me a choice and then he decides that isn't enough! I keep thinking about what I would have done if he had told me before our wedding. I hate myself but I probably would have forgiven him to save face and not run out on expensive wedding. Did he do the same? Has he just been saving face the whole time? Did he even love me the same way after meeting her? Hate who he made me. I didn't think I was that type of person but it seems I am without even realising it.