Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

I urge you to join the forums on Surviving Infidelity, OP. I’m sorry, but you are just at the very beginning of an incredibly painful journey. Your marriage will never ever be anything like you imagined it would, and unless your DH starts to put the real work, and I mean REAL tough work into healing you, then you will never get there. I wish you luck.

He is playing you like a fiddle. His trump card is he is wounded, he has been sent packing by you, that you’re being unreasonable. Have you noticed how all this is about him and what he is manipulating you into accepting? He knows full well you don’t want to be a single mother, or turn into your own embittered mother, that you will wait and will forever love him unconditionally. His arrogance and selfishness know no bounds.
He deludes himself about OW. She could have made a real play for him before your marriage: she was aware of his feelings and cannot have failed to notice the banter at work about him soon to be “hitched”, the arrangements for the stag do, the office collection for a present. She knew he was available but she didn’t want to be Mrs Sazdun. She could leave her (sham) marriage now and be with him but she hasn’t. She enjoyed you being deceived, likes to flirt with your DH and use him to boost her ego and make her husband jealous. She’s a user, solely thinking about herself and how others can benefit her. Your husband needs to wise up and grow up, stop indulging himself.
She’s not worth your time and attention; your husband deserves your focus and anger.
Only when he reciprocates your love and care is there a possibility the marriage can be saved. He is so far from this plus the circumstances of your future (friendship group, location of house and school together with the work connection) do not bode well. At the moment you are trying to square a circle.
If you draw boundaries he’ll become more adept at hiding things from you. He knows what he has to do, he’s just hoping he doesn’t have to do it which is why he’s delaying.
Independently he has has to resolve to be a decent, faithful soul mate, your exclusive lover and best friend who only has your interests at heart. It is the only way forward.
Make yourselves and your daughters the priority. Not him. Have the confidence to believe that you can thrive without him if you want to. Make it apparent to him (don’t state, let him learn) that you have extremely high standards and that you expect him to meet them. Then he’ll start to respect you, something he hasn’t done for years.

I think some sessions with a mediation or marriage counsellor is a good idea. It may also be a good idea for you to see someone on your own to help you work out what you can really live with.

I have to agree with the previous posters that he doesn't sound like he is trying very hard to keep his marriage, and the "fine" comment did sound like a stroppy teen.

However, you have all been ill, him the most recently, on top of your marriage imploding and I think you probably shouldn't underestimate how this might be affecting any rationality on both your parts. I also get the feeling from the comments about your Mum that you are worried about history repeating itself and that is colouring your decision to try and stay together. I would say don't let that be the only reason to stay in the marriage. You know what mistakes your Mum made and why, you can therefore be prepared with strategies to avoid this.

The last thing I want to say is please value yourself, your worth. He is not better than you, it sounds like he is lucky to have you and I think he and all your friends know this. You have said you earn more than him, plus you have birthed two babies, what has he done? He doesn't even work full time FGS.

I wouldn’t be too sure about the male friendship group not taking OWs husbands side over yours, - I mean he’s calling him a knobhead in public and no one is apparently disagreeing. Also you said your husband was the first one to call out/grass up his mates if they were dodgy on a stag do or something, and no one likes a sanctimonious hypocrite.
Has he suggested councilling at all? It might be good for you both if you do want to try and move past this, there’s no right and wrong and if you want to try and make it work don’t worry about others judgement.
In fact, thinking about it your friendship group has apparently thought you were a mug for 8 years! So if they think it now who fucking cares right? 😂 😘

I'm a single Mum OP after my ex left me during my second pregnancy. It was completely out of the blue and unexplained. It tore me to shreds.
Being a single mum is hard, having to still deal with his presence is hard. But being on my own and not in a relationship with someone who clearly didn't love or respect me like I deserve is worth all the hard times. I can't wait to either live my life being happy on my own or be with someone who hasn't hurt me so much.

It must be hard for you because I expect that you may feel if things end he will go back to her and that's what you want the least to happen. But you need to concentrate on yourself and what is going to bring you happiness. It won't always feel like this, it does get better.

I have never been married and have always been a single parent so I obviously cannot speak from experience or anything but just wanted to say that’s you’re so much better than this. You can do better, and these people don’t deserve you.

beinf a single parent is hard, feeling that she has “won” and losing your friends - defo sucky
i can appreciate that bind you’re in. But you husband kind sounds like a pretty emotionally and psychologically abusive person. It’s like he’s created a life for you that only revolves around him - his family and friends; his sordid secret; his marriage; his work; his religion
fuckinf hell, even her mum is involved in your lives
kinda just seems like you’ve been prevented from having your own life which is probably why this all seems so much harder for you

I think it's probably easier for you to direct your hurt and anger at OW more than H, because if you allow yourself to truly respond to what he's done, it could well be the end of your marriage. But that doesn't mean that H doesn't deserve your anger, and more so than OW. However shitty and manipulative she is (and I really think she is highly shitty and manipulative) she isn't married to you. He is. He's the one who made vows to you. Vows which he broke as soon as he made.

I know you can't see it right now, but he is emotionally and psychologically abusive to you. The lying, the gaslighting, the engineering of friendship groups... it's a big deal. And now the "fine" - having to be pushed to this, and yet, still leaving you confused and insecure. You're still questioning him, yourself, the situation, even now he can't give you the security and reassurance you need. How are you going to be able to trust him, ever again?

I think you should also see a counsellor alone, so that you can start to process all this. Generally couples counselling isn't recommended in cases where there's abuse, as H will gaslight and manipulate the counsellor, and use what's said in counselling to emotionally abuse you. However, in your case I think maybe it's a good idea to go to counselling so you can see for yourself how seriously he takes it, and what he's willing to do to fix your marriage. Has he suggested counselling? Is he even willing to do that?

Also I agree with pp that you need friends of your own, separate from H and his group. You need your own support system, with people who care about you and aren't going to be drawn into H's web of manipulation.

@Sazdun you are not your mother. The very fact that you can identify traits and have some foresight shows you are not your mother, but in the kindest possible way I think you're so scared that you are like your mother or turning into your mother that you're letting that fear make decisions for you and cloud your judgement of the situation.

Put the ball in DH court for a bit and ask him to tell you how he sees this working out? How does HE see you both working on this and taking forward your marriage? How does he envisage your lives to be able to move on together?

The fact that he hasn't even suggested that he knows or wants to cut out the OW completely suggests to me that he thinks he doesn't get it. He's biding his time until you are less angry and he will introduce her. Also he's agreed for her not to be in your and your DD lives but does he think that he's exempt from it? That he can continue the contact as I strongly believe that he does.

I don't think it has to be a LTB as some do, but I think your DH has to own his mistakes and take the steps to put this right and fight for his family but part or that is willingly eradicating OW from ALL of your lives.

Last year I found out my DH had done something several times before we were married which I consider cheating, he also knew I considered it cheating. I post on here about it when I found out, it wasn't on the same scale ad your DH but the reaction from my DH is night and day from yours. He was distraught at how much pain he caused me and has worked every single day to gain my trust again, if he hadn't I would have left.

You shouldn't need to tell your DH to fight for you, it should be automatic from him but it isn't and that genuinely concerns me and I am worried that you are so desperate not to be your mother than you're ignoring some big red flags

Personally I think that sounds like a positive update. He didn't argue or disagree when you said you wanted OW out of your lives. He has previously said he just wants you and your family. You clearly love him, and you are angry. I wouldn't want hurt pride to break up my family. Family life and a good (before this) marriage is so very precious. My ex-H is with someone else now - we were no longer compatible and being separate is for the best, without any doubt. We were not happy together. However, I'm still grieving for the institution of marriage in my life, for that closeness with the father of my children, even though it was never going to be happy with him, between us. If you two are generally compatible then I'd really want to fight for that. It's such a lot to throw away.
I've read and think I understand the various viewpoints on here; this is all about your priorities. Good luck.

Just to add you need to make it absolutley clear what out of your lives means in very detailed and specific terms. As well as what the consequences of a breach are. And then you need to stick to them if he breaches the terms. He will only go and do something and claim he didn't realise that is what you meant afterwards. His "fine" is not the end of it. Just the beginning of a series of conversations about how you proceed. When that convo ends you should have no more questions about what he means and what he is agreeing to and/or what it is your asking.

The only person who has "won" here is H.

I’d be worried that he still keeps the emotional affair going but at work. I would honestly ask him to look for a new job, if he can’t find one then that’s another thing but I think he needs to realise the gravity of the situation.

He said he loved her to you, his wife, not direct to her in fantasy texting. This is a really really big deal. You need to be in a position where their communication actually stops, I feel like he will do what he did before your wedding where he goes quiet for a few months but then picks it back up.

Even if your airing towards taking him back you need to make sure he realises that leaving is an option and he needs to fight for you. He hasn’t been fighting for you.

Also text OW and tell her it’s not in the short term, you don’t want her near you or the girls again and explain why as per my previous message.

Also make it very clear that he cannot consider it protecting you by bringing OW so fully into your and your kids lives and friendship group, he was making you look like an absolute doormat for being ok with a) the affair and b) having an affair partner as a best friend.

Everyone now realises that he was being a selfish person who has 3 people in his marriage.

WARNING ⚠️ THIS IS AN ESSAY ABOUT HOW LONG IT TAKES TO GO LOOPY!
some of this is also paraphrased vs actual words people said.
I always plan in my head these sit down adult conversations then it all goes to shit and we end up with these ad hoc discussions. Today though, fucking hell I really took the biscuit though. Had a imaginary glass of wine to myself while I wrote this ( i think i would down a whole bottle at the moment if wine was open). Suggest you all do the same.
Came back from picking DD1 up and he was at the door waiting.
Felt a bit like deja vu, me in the gym gear having a conversation at the kitchen while the kids are about.
So while making lunch we start this.
If we take into account emotional affair etc then yes he accepts he has as far as I am concerned, been having an emotional affair with her. This apparently is no reflection on me or our relationship or how he feels about me. He supposes to a lot of people it might seem he was wantjng extra attention but for him it was more he could be 'unfiltered, vent about stuff without the blow back of it impacting how I thought of him' and that guys are pretty crap at being sounding boards and he was so aware it would likely get carried back via wives to me.
I asked what they would talk about and actually it is stuff I would have judged him on, told him not to over think or we had argued about but which I tended to be forceful about. If I am being objective I can see why he may seek outside counsel but at the moment the fact it was from her is too much. I was also aware he spoke to her about stuff and he would relay back some of what she spoke to him about but that he used her for some much emotional guidance is tough, even though I know I would not have been able to listen.
Stuff like worried if he would be a good dad or get annoyed, being annoyed about not wanting to go to the gym or feeling motivated, disliking projects at work, going for promotion at the expense of him having flexi time, wondering if this is it, Feeling guilt about leaving his sisters to care for his mum and dad as they get older. As a lot of you have said a fair amount if navel gazing from a man in his mid 30s.
He is still adament there was no physical aspect after we got married and no penetrative sex. He was continually apologetic about that. 100% accepts there is no jusitification for that behaviour. That was just attraction. He agrees prior to our wedding he had an affair. The specifics were they were mutually attracted. Were chatting a lot and flirting but nothing much happened and then one night they got drink at a night out and kissed. This happened on a few other occassions as well Inc at work and then there was that night when he did that. That was it.
He said now their friendship means too much to ruin it by doing anything else and also he is married to me and whether i believe it or not he is faithful to me. Again poonted out the emotional aspect.
He accepts that he shouldn't be going to talk to someone else about issues we were having or I should be the first port of call when he feels that way but he points out I wouldn't be annoyed if it had been a guy I went to which he is also right about but as I stated I would be miffed if he had a female friend he discussed it with but she was not just a female friend to begin with and that is the crux of the matter. It also seems that they were not super duper close friends first time round so why did he not just leave it be and bring her back in to his life. He just said he didn't know. They worked on the project and he enjoyed her company, not in a wanting to have sex with her way but just hanging out. They had similar interest was easy to talk to. He thought I would get on with her and that is why he had everyone socialise. He admits he compartmentalised the bit before when they were intimate.
I said the lying for 8 years and then bringing her back in was the big problem.
He peddled the same bullshut about protecting me with lies but then admitted that he protected himself and his rep pre wedding and then as time went on, he just believed his own lies which meant he actually felt okay having her back in our lives. I asked if he ever got scared about being caught and he said no because he had in his own head rationalised that pre weddjng was a mistake and this was a new leaf where we were all friends. He knows that is fucked up. Again said she really did think I knew and that she is furious and at how he treated me. Said they have had minimal contact.
At this point he got teary eyed ( not sure if he is upset about the lying to me and losing me or the minimal contact with OW) and said he fucked up and he doesn't know how to fix it. I told him she needs to go if we are to work and he nodded and says he knows that.
Being a glutton for punishment I then asked how he felt about cutting her out and he said it would be gutting and feeling like someone had died but he would do what he has to do to make things better with us.
At that point I then started crying and just kept saying you love her though, she will never be out our life. He just stood there behind me holding me while I sobbed but he didn't say no he didn't love her just that she isn't me, I shouldn't be thinking he doesn't love me.
Not my finest moment then going on about how much I hate her and why her. He just said nothing.
When I finally calmed down.I asked what it was about her that he would lose everything for her. He said he wasn't wanting to sacrifice everything for her and that he would end his friendship with her to make sure I didn't feel the way I have been or to feel insecure or worried but that he cannot control how he has felt and that if he could he would not be feeling what he had because it is 'mental' and confusing. He kept saying what he thinks or feels for her though is no reflection on me, his love for me, his desire to stay married to me.or make it work. All that is his first priority but in the background he is also dealing with these feelings.
He just said what he has said all along, he has no idea what he is feeling. Had I asked him 6 weeks ago if he loved her, he would have swore blind she was a friend he cared for deeply but that was it but the more he has been forced to figure out what he feels the more confused he is. He thinks therapy might help process the feelings. He actually admitted without prompting it was wrong at the beginning to have been so honest with me about saying he loved her, that he must have hurt me laying bare his feelings about her. He doesn't love her the way he loves me, it isn't even a sexual attraction or that he wants to be with her, he can't describe it , he just wants her in his life and to be happy and if he can help with that happiness he will where he can. He understands that for us to be together she will have to go but it leaves him so sad.
Apparently she was the 'missing piece' in his life. I actually fucking laughed at that point and told him he should hear himself. That he just apologised for being too honest then comes out with that. He just sat there like a wee boy not knowing what to do. I told him it was clear as day he loved her and that might not be sexual but he cannot be in love with two women and stay married to me, that most men would have grasped that concept. Two married people cannot be in a mutual appreciation society with other people's partners.
Apparently my reaction was exactly why having someone else to talk to was so important.
Seems I am very nurturing and supportive in a practical way but on the odd infrequent occassions when he has been confused or frustrated, I have always suggested going to the gym, building a bridge to get over it, I have let him scratch the surface but then the practicalities of life have got in the way and he felt investigating those feelings with me would make me think less of him and he just didn't know how to. I have to say this isn't him gaslighting me, i tend to be quite practiical when people get too overly sensitive or bogged down in emotions. If we move forward that will be something we need to both work on. I wonder if subconsciously I encouraged him to not over think, as I never wanted him to question our relationship. The irony is that we are both closet over thinkers but we're so worried about what the other thinks we have not been honest with each other, driving me to insecurity and him to her. If I really dig deep, I am so determined to not be an emotional wreck like my mum that I probably suppress a lot and encourage others too because I don't k OW how to deal with overly emotional people.
Meanwhile OW talks to him about these things. It doesn't matter what she thinks of him appatently because she isn't his partner, she says it how she sees it but mostly just listens. Also said she has never once spoken against me and often told H to discuss it with me. He was encouraged by her openess in talking about how she felt. She spoke to my H because her H wanted to fix things or offer advice but really she just wanted someone to listen and as time went on he saw the benefits of having her just listen too. That initially it was her that was more open than him talking about her dad and brother's death, cancer and the more open she was the more open he became with her. She isn't judgemental or needing to give solutions. Maybe I should take a fucking plaster cast of her ear as a final goodbye present from her to him.
I suggested he get a counsellor and he said yes but that he found talking to her easy, that now he can accept counselling would help but it has been so gradual their chats that initally he would not have thought he needed it.
I pointed out to him AGAIN this was an emotional affair but he said it wasn't all serious chats and very rarely does he moan about me to her but it was just someone in his life that let him release all the build up. Between OW, me and all his other friends he felt compete as everyone offered something to help him be 'emotionally fulfilled'. Hence she was the missing piece because she offered the listening that no one else did. Again I reiterated he should talk to me. He pointed out I should have spoken to him about my feelings too. Touché. However hearing my H band about phrases like being 'emotionally fulfilled' made me see red and I said I needed to go out. This is when it seems I did a full body swap.
Proceeded to go full on woman possessed and went to OW'd house unannounced, almost wanted to surprise her and see if she said the same things as H or if I could catch them out.
Did not account for her being out and her H being home.
Anyway ended up talking to him for a while.
We managed to really fuck up their honeymoon. He said he knows when she is lying and he can hand on heart say she thought I knew. He does think it suited her to not bring it up because she is a people pleaser and didn't want to risk the friendship with H and I but apparently she was furious and kept talking about how awful I must be feeling and he had messed up the thing that means the most to him. Poor guy, I was a bit of an arsehole to him. I said I think it suits him for H and I to stay together then there is no risk of my H and OW getting together. He is very blunt. Said he could not give a monkeys if H and I split or make a go of it because at the end of the day H is her mate and it is highly likely they will stay friends even if just at work so I have to accept it, work throught it or walk away . I asked him why he put up with it and he said there was nothing to really put up with. Initially he had check messages and kept tabs but there really seems to have been nothing going on. He doesn't like my H because he is a hypocrite ( aka having a go at people cheating and yet he did to) but he has been a good friend to OW and he views H as being like a brother to OW and apparently he listens to her talk about all the boring shit she is interested in that he isn't and my H listens it seems. I pointed out brothers tend not to go down on their sisters (seriously why am I not this ruthless with H?!) and he laughed. Burst out laughing. Told me finally he was glad to see me have a bit of backbone. Asked him if he would class it as an emotional affair. He said no. She comes home and talks about what they have talked about ( the way H sometimes did with me) and that they go weeks etc not being in contact. I asked how he could be so sure and he said he trusts her plus He said he couldn't get annoyed about something she did when they weren't together but it annoyed him for a good while that her and H were still friendly but as he is still friends with his ex he could hardly kick off about it. He pointed out that everyone understands why I am so angry and upset (clearly I have been discussed by the group) but he can say as someone who was close and had sex with someone and is now their friend, the feelings of attraction to someone can go away and you just enjoy their company. I told him I didn't want her in our lives if I was to try and rebuild things with H. He said that was fair enough but OW is not the other woman she doesn't want my H or my life so the anger I feel to her would be better directed at H as he was the lying prick in all this. He also said it does seem like H does want to work it out with me. OW came in just as I was leaving and I told her she needs to stay away as she might not love H but he loves her. She said he really doesn't but my gut is telling me otherwise.

So there we are. She can be gone physically but I'll still be competing with her emotionally I think ( unless he gets a damn good counsellor) and I know in reality his navel gazing is the last thing I want to hear about when cooking dinner for the kids etc. We have a good life in the grand scheme and are relatively comfortable with a nice home and two healthy kids what can we really moan about. Keep thinking how we can incorporate 'talking about our feelings' into our marriage and it feels so alien a concept as we are so practical a couple and get on with things. I don't want date nights to be spent in a marriage counsellors. Gah if she had never come back in being miss perfect listener I wouldn't need to be dealing with this. Maybe i am wrong but sometimes people can over think and put themselves in the centee of the universe when in actual fact in the grand scheme you do not need to analyse every emotion you feel. I can't control his thoughts or keep wondering what it is about her over me or try to be her replacement. I'll go mad.

You are absolutely right to say H needs to totally remove OW from his life. I cannot see how your marriage can have a future with this destabilising third party. You're right, he was absolutely having an emotional affair with her. Yes we do fancy and have feelings for others when we're in LT relationships/marriages but you don't invest in them. Still sounds to me like he's making excuses for the EA all this I couldn't talk to you rubbish.

I’m really sorry about it all. You’re keeping it together so well.

tbh I understand you’ve said that you get defensive about your husband and I understand that. But he sounds incredibly useless. He’s fucked up your whole life and just seems to talk about his feelings. Like his feelings pay bills or can improve this situation. It’s like he has main character syndrome and this is his film about loving two women.

OW is manipulative and I think she keels
your husband about because hes an ego boost. She doesn’t fancy him. She fancies her husband who doesn’t put up with her shit, friends with his exes and truly doesn’t find your husband a threat.

I don’t think it matters whether she’s actually in his life or not, she’ll still be renting space in his head regardless of whether he sees/speaks to her. And that’s because he will be allowing it.

It could also be said that not seeing/speaking to her will allow him to turn her into some mythical saintly creature where he only thinks about how wonderful she was, which would be even worse.

He needs to get his bags and leave.

Honestly, your husband is pathetic. What sort of a man tries to save his marriage by talking about how great the OW is? Is he just stupid or does he have actual contempt for you?

He brought OW into your life and into the intimate workings of your marriage. Now he's talking about how sad he'll be to lose her, it'll be like someone died???

He is abusive, Sazdun. It's all about him and his feelings. You exist to play your role but you're always going to be kept on the back foot, so that he can control you. I'm sorry but his behaviour is so wrong.

And talking about her as the missing piece in his life, that she somehow completes him is just utterly pathetic. His needs seem to be around needing someone to talk to, to give him attention and not be too 'practical' when it comes to life's big traumas, like whether or not he can be bothered to go to the gym or if he should be helping out with his parents when they are older when he doesn't even work full time!

He shouldn't be bothering anyone with those 'problems' because they aren't even probless. He's so self centered that just having his feelings validated by someone is so important that he will feel like someone has died when she isn't there to listen to his drivel. Did his interest in her restart after DD1 was born and you had more important things to worry about than his problems?

I'm sorry that sounded really harsh but I am so angry for you.

I've not a clue why the OP is tolerating rubbish like this from him. He's evil.

Jesus Christ he's a tedious prick. Utterly, utterly self-involved. He couldn't even acknowledge how hurtful his "honesty" (such as it was) was to you without doing the same fucking thing again.

He evidently had zero personal coping skills or sense and feels entitled to a lady-servant to mind all his feelings for him all the time. If it's no longer allowed to be Miss Perfect then he supposes it has to be you.

OW's husband pulls no punches. The fact he "knows when she's lying" suggests she does it a fair bit, so good luck to him, but it sounds like he roughly knows what he's got into.

OW can get to fuck with her, "he really doesn't". Well, he's told his wife as much, love, so much as it may suit your narrative to paint Sazdun as the irrational, jealous wife rather than have you - OW - as the woman knowingly stringing along another woman's husband to feed her own ego, tough shit. The other nauseating angle is that it suggests she thinks she has the crown title of Truly Understanding Him and is graciously explaining his True Feelings to you, his wife.

I like OW DH.
And I like how he was straight with you.

Things for you to ponder, @Sazdun

I don't think your husband is evil. I don't think OW is some evil manipulative bitch. They are simply idiots who made a bad choice 8 years ago. Keep some perspective when some posters try to stir up drama. They get their kicks from getting the latest onstallment but when the dust settles you will be left picking up the pieces so don't buy into this angry LTB. OP you have experienced a full spectrum of emotions and remained level headed throughout, you are a good person who doesn't deserve this but don't buy into all this manipulative, gaslighting abuse BS some are posting. He made a mistake, he made a bad choice but from what else you have said he seems like a good man who loves you and your kids. He told a lie and by all means be furious at him but as i have said keep perspective as you have done many times here. Likewise it sounds like OW does genuinely care about you too. You should feel betrayed but also remember you are betrayed by who she was 8 years ago, not the person who became your friend, who you shared your life with. I am not being an apologist or telling you to forget it but I do think you need to be realisticabiut what is going to change. You want your marriage to work and as much as it would be great if OW could disappear and make life easy she will not. Not because she is a sick twisted individual with nasty grand plans but because life doesn't work like that. You both live kn the same place, socialise with the seem people and she and H work together . It is a mess but a mess you need to work through, set new boundaries for and work within. It sounds very much like your H may have some sort of anxiety or depression. You have both put him up there on this perfect man pedestal and he is crumbling. If you want this to work he needs to go to speak to someone, as do you. Then you go to speak to someone together. He appears desperate to speak about his feelings and so far a lot of posters have discredited that. Infact there has been a lot of stereotyping, challenging him not 'being a man' because he doesn't work FT etc. Fuck that it is 2022 do what works for the two of you. That's me I have said my piece. I will no doubt be accused of being OW or H but I am not. I am perhaps a bit like yourself able to see life is messy and complicated and no matter how angry you get things will not just go away to suit the desires of MN posters.