Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

Well done Sadzun, it sounds like you are on the right track.
And still holding the fort .. no surprises there.
Onwards & upwards

Answering on behalf of MsDogLady I think a KISA is a knight in shining armour.

Hi @Sazdun. I really admire you for moving forward with this smart, positive and productive plan. Re H, consciously connecting emotionally feels contrived right now, but will likely evolve naturally with time.

Getting together with your 2 new acquaintances is a great idea. I know they appreciate your reaching out to them.

As for the new job possibility, is this in your same field or something completely different?

Thank you, @InventingSarah! Yes, that’s what I meant, @ValerieCupcake.

Hope you had a good weekend @Sazdun

IF you decide to take him back forgiveness will eventually happen. Have been there and forgiven. The saying is true...you can forgive but you will never forget. You obviously love him and he you. Maybe you can work through this and move on. I sincerely hope so for all of you. 💐

Hope you are doing okay @Sazdun, and things work out well whatever you choose to do you.

@Sazdun, I’ve been thinking of you and hope everything is going well.

Thanks again ladies for the messages, kind words and check ins. Needed a bit of time.to get my own thoughts straight.

Following a few sessions with the counsellor and a very honest first session in couples counselling and a long chat after, he had admitted he loved her or at least felt like he did. He loved us both. He was faithful physically to me since we married but he now accepts emotional infidelity. We had a good conversation and my feelings for once and he really come across as geuinely upset that he fucked my self confidence so much. She isn't the amazing woman I seem to think he thinks she is but he does suppose she is to an extent a fantasy because he doesn't need to deal with all the reality of her either. He does want our marriage to work but has got so used to operating with us both that he has been advised to distance himself from both myself and OW, to figure out what he actually wants and how he can move forward to just one. I knew all that already but i suppose he needs to figure it out himself.

As time is passing I fluctuate between actually not being annoyed by their friendship at all and seething anger. I have been encouraged to try and pinpoint what angers me and then try to put them in order of annoyance/anger. Ironically most of the anger is linked to my own lack of self confidence, anger that I was not enough, that he didn't confide in me, wondering what she had that I didn't. None of which is actually true. It was nothing that I lacked, did or did not do that led to them becoming close or friends. It is a bit like having a second child. You don't think you could love another like your first but then you make the space and love just as much.

He is starting to look at why he is so keen on receiving validation. He wrote a letter to OW covering some of the above but gave it to me to read first. I took a picure on ny phone and sent it to her husband to read. He didn't respond but when i later saw him and asked, he just rolled his eyes and told me that his marriage doesn't need to break up because mine has. He understands my anger and he knows my intentions are in the right place but he trusts his wife. He has known everything from them getting back together while he appreciates I have not, so views things differently. He knows my H is or atleast was a fantasy to his wife too but also he knows that if something was going to happen it would have by now. As far as he is concerned they both probably are attracted to each other on some level but value their friendship over anything romantic and for him so long as she told him anything she told my H if he asked and there was nothing romantic/sexual he was okay with it. He seemed to think I would probably need to accept the same if I stick with H. Tried to think if I would be okay with that. I think perhaps had they been friends before I met him I might have been but the stickler is the infidelity pre marriage and that we were a couple before they became friends.

The funny thing is I have been sorting out some things from my spare room that needs cleared for the next lot I'd building work and found my old high school diaries. What a cringe. Completely forgot aged 14/15 I was head over heels with my friends boyfriend and got annoyed when she got upset that we were hanging out. Have to laugh at the irony of me writing that as much as I adore him I love being his friend more and hanging out with him. Maybe we could have been something more but we will always be friends. Talk about giving H a run for his money with my lovey dovey nonsense. I then started quoting from the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill album that you can love somebody without being in love with somebody.

Haha I wonder if this is karma 23 plus years later

i think your marriage and you took a real wound. sorry but i wouldnt continue it and wouldnt see him again.

forget about the karma or anything, you were young.
he is acting very spoilt after all he has done.

i wouldnt search for why he has done it. he is an adult and should know better. he is a manipulator.

you coddling him so much.

I'm glad you have started the counselling, it sounds as though your H is starting to see things as they really are and to understand why his behaviour is so hurtful to you and why it has to change if he wants his marriage to work.

As long as you did not indulge in oral sex with your friend's boyfriend, I'm pretty sure it's not karma 😊.

It's not karma as teenagers don't know any better but grown adults do or should.
@Sazdun you said 'I think perhaps had they been friends before I met him I might have been but the stickler is the infidelity pre marriage and that we were a couple before they became friends'

That is the crux of the matter. Your DH needs to think about how he would feel if you had done the same to him.
At the moment it all seems to be about what he wants.
He should have decided by now who he wants to be with & cut contact with OW.
That's what any decent man wanting to save his marriage & who loves his wife would do.
It seems to me that he's once again copping out & wanting you to make the decision for him to stay or go.

If you do get to the end of your tether & decide that your marriage is over there is no way he can justify that it was you who ended the marriage as it was his selfish & untrustworthy behaviour that did it.

I can see that you want your marriage to heal & both of you move forward together & I do hope that you get the resolution that you want.

I think her husbands perspective is quite useful for you as a dampening effect, that it was never that kind of relationship for her. But re He seemed to think I would probably need to accept the same if I stick with H.
dont just absorb his perspective and position because this statement you make is not true. You can choose what you accept. You may not be able to choose all the options available but you can choose what you accept, and your choices don’t need to be his, but also you don’t have the exact same options as her husband does. How OW sees your husband is not the same as how he sees her. Just like how you see and what you have been for your husband are not the same as what he has been for you.

Thank you so much for the update @Sazdun
I must admit, I have been wondering how you are.

I think this sounds pretty positive, actually.
The counsellor seems very supportive of you, which is fab

And your H seems to be beginning to face his actions and accept his behaviour (and how wholly unacceptable he has been).

I wonder if some part of your anger is around how you squashed down your feelings on uncertainty for so long (feelings that have turned out to be valid) because you trusted your H.

The infidelity just before your wedding really was disgusting.

How goes the wider social group? Has OW withdrawn? Are your family being excluded? How are your friends being?
I hope you are receiving RL support

He wrote a letter to OW covering some of the above but gave it to me to read first.

Sorry what? This is nuts. He should have NOTHING to do with her. At all. I don't understand.

OW husband seems a bit besotted with her that he would put up with anything other than a physical affair. I don’t think that’s healthy but mens brains work very differently from ours and he obviously gets all he needs from her as a partner (physical). It’s taken them a long time of dating to actually get married and it seems like her that slowed it down and not him.

I really feel for you. This is such a horrible situation to be in. Thank goodness the counsellor has spelt out the obvious to him but he still seems very self absorbed. I do hope you are getting counselling on your own for yourself (perhaps even a different counsellor) so that you can focus on your needs.

OW needs to be completely out the pitcher if ‘chooses’ you (or should I at you get enough comfort from him that you are what he want to fight for) as I just can’t see it working otherwise. You’re self esteem will nose dive and I don’t think you’d be very happy.

Please take care of yourself.

Thanks for updating @Sazdun, lots of us have been thinking of you. I know that we’re all different, and I know that upsetting the status quo, particularly when there are young children involved, is very hard to contemplate never mind act upon. But it’s my honest belief that unless all parties agree to an open relationship, everyone deserves to be loved and cherished by their life partner. You deserve someone who wants you and only you and should have that front and centre of their mind without hesitation. Him needing to take time to consider what he wants would be a deal breaker for me, but I understand that you need to do what’s right for you. If you stay with him, please don’t forget that you are within your rights to change your mind at any time about whether to continue as you are.

I have not been paying much attention to social group etc. As been so busy single handedly raising the girls and dealing with all the building starting again. I saw OW walking with a mutual friend when I drove past them yesterday so I don't think she has faded away but to be honest I have made my peace with that. At the end of the day she isn't my partner.
Her husband is fully aware of what is going on but I think she and her H have bought into this deep friendship myth my H was also buying into. It also possibly is a dynamic that works for them. To be honest I probably would have been okay with it had they not been intimate previously and had H not lied.

Counselling has been of benefit to both of us though not cheap. It has made me feel like I am not stupid or crazy and my feelings are valid. Also been really good at giving me the words etc to explain to H how I am feeling without turning into a mess.
The letter to OW was never intended to actually go to her but it was suggested he write her a letter to say what he felt. I suppose I was the one that was out of line sending a pic od it to OW H. However I told H what I did and I don't know if it got sent to her or not though I am.sure her H showed her.
H just looks broken right now tbh. However he has been encouraged to process his feelings before he starts trying to make amends with me so we have limited contact. It feels strange almost as if he has died. Terrible to say but it would be easier if he had. Although ofcourse I would never want my girls to grow up without him, it just would be easier. When he isn't here I kind of block him out, when I see him though that is when I just go a bit loopy. I find I am making an effort to look nice when he comes to get them but then I remember and bam! I am working on that and if I can get over that and also on my own self esteem which as you rightly said has been pushed down for so long.

Your most recent posts perfectly illustrate the absolute difference between men and women. For her husband, the fact that there has been no actual sex = no problem. For him, it’s black and white. For you, you absolutely see the minutiae in the detail. All that happened before and was later “unsaid” but felt, creates the problem. I am a big believer in forgiveness and, as unpopular as it is here on MN, I think that people can and do make fucking awful decisions, but can move on and learn from them. Marriages can be rebuilt. In this situation though op, where he has admitted he loves her and with what he’s done to keep her in both your lives? Honestly, I think I would have to call it a day. He stood up and said “forsaking all others”. He did not add…..except her and he didn’t give you all of the facts. You deserve someone to love you, just you, wholeheartedly and unreservedly. And, for what it’s worth, I think he WILL come to the conclusion that actually, it’s you he loves. But what you decide to do with that is up to you. I wish you well op, whatever you decide. it’s a huge shit sandwich to have to swallow xxx

OP, gosh, it hasn’t got easier, has it?
it sounds like you’re having to wait around while your H decides what he wants? I couldn’t do it.

All the best OP. It sounds like counselling is helping you so good luck.

OP, I'm so glad you're getting some semblance of support IRL at last. I hope you really let yourself feel everything and don't push it all down anymore because you're afraid what that might mean.

Bluntly, your 14 year old diaries sound exactly like your DH because that is the emotional maturity level at which he is and has been operating.

I support whatever you decide is best for you and your girls (truly) but, my god, I have real, pure-grade contempt for your DH.

All the very best wishes to you.