Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

she's had a couple of years to see what life could actually be like, and I don't blame her for not wanting to revert back to hiding away and being packed off out of her own house

Absolutely agree.

You seem genuinely surprised that your partner has now become fed up after putting up with this charade for a decade? It’s absurd you’ve expected her to leave her home for nearly half the year every year and be kept a secret. It’s completely understandable she’s had enough and you’re lucky she’s put up with this for a long as she has and hasn’t walked.

She’s also offered all the reasonable solutions she can. She’s happy for you to never tell them but she doesn’t want to hide away any longer. That means either you go to your mum or you sell up and start over somewhere else.

You say your mum will tell everyone - will that put your life at risk if you stay outside Pakistan? I understand she’s your mother but if she’s not willing to protect you then you need to make a choice.

Like you said, you’ll still be a lesbian so you’ll never be able to live openly with your family around anyway. If you can’t do that then you might as well do it with the person you love and has supported you all this time.

@Sasani

Thank you for those understanding me.

1. My mom would never keep it secret. She would tell my dad, brothers, uncles, cousins, my sister-in-laws' brothers/fathers. They all live together or are neighbors. I have no sisters. Maybe it would have been different. When my mom visits I know everything about everyone's business. " X is a whore , Y is a single mother , Z cheated".
2. Even the mean posts made me think. I would rather spend time with my partner than my mother. This Covid pandemic has been a blessing to me. Spending all my time with the lady I love.
3. It is unfair to make her leave, yes. You are right. But I have no other choice. She was fine with it. It is only recently at the idea of going back to that "routine" that she showed any sign of unhappiness.
4. Of course I can't live forever like this. Because eventually if I don't get married to a man and have babies my family will be suspicious and would ask me to comeback to marry a man. Again, the thought of having to sleep with a man makes me want to throw up.

I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy.

OP pretending to be dead would be no different than the risk of telling the truth. So you may as well tell the truth. Either way your family won’t be seeing you if you are “dead” or tell the truth. So you either take your partners advice, move house, leave your family behind, go get married, be happy and live your life in peace or she leaves and then you will be in this position again in the future with another partner.

At the end of the day you cannot expect your partner to do this for the rest of her life it’s cruel!

@Sirzy

It sounds like you now know what you need to do but understandably the idea of it is scary because it’s such a big thing.

I hope you manage to find the strength to put yourself first and live a happy life with your partner.

I hope you manage to find the strength to put yourself first

That's all she's been doing. Putting herself first, and her partner's needs and happiness last. OP needs to find the strength to put herself second, for a change and put her partner first.

@crispmidnightpeace You're still missing the point. The point is the OP is the one that should leave the house for 5 months per year. Her partner has done that for ten years! Time for OP to do her part.

3) It is unfair to make her leave, yes. You are right. But I have no other choice. She was fine with it. It is only recently at the idea of going back to that "routine" that she showed any sign of unhappiness.

You still think your partner is unreasonable for not wanting to go back to the routine? Seriously? You have got to let go of this idea because your partner has bent over backwards to accommodate you and your family. She has now reached her limit, which is totally understandable. Please stop persisting with this idea that she is being unfair to you.

I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy.

You can disappear. Move away. If you believe that your family would come looking for you, you could speak to the police so they know not to treat you as a missing person and know not to give your family any information about you.

[quote PinaColada123456]@ChoiceMummy You are completely missing the point. The OP's partner understands the cultural issue. That is not the point!!

The point is the partner is forced out of her own home for 5 months every year. Every single year. She is in a home she can only live in for 7 months every year. She is forced to abandon her home, and abandon her partner. The partner has made this sacrifice for TEN YEARS. The OP has had it all on her own terms, and is the ignorant one. Time for the OP to pull her weight and leave the home, what she has done to her partner and how she has treated her partner is disgusting. You don't force someone to abandon their home for 5 months every year, through no fault of her own! It's OP's problem, she should be the one leaving the home. Her partner has made all the sacrifice and compromise for ten years. She done it for long enough, time for OP to now leave the house for almost half the year, her partner has done it long enough.[/quote]
She knew the situation from the outset. She's now having a toddler tantrum 10. years on!
And yes she's incredibly ignorant of the op's situation.

OP pretending to be dead would be no different than the risk of telling the truth

Untrue - it sounds like there's a genuine risk her life could be in danger in France from her family back in Pakistan if they knew the truth.

@Sasani I'm sure there are charities that help women as risk of forced marriage and honour killings. If I you were I'd seek them out for advice and help about how to move forward with a solution that protects both your relationship and yourself.

The level of disrespect you are showing your partner is staggering, and I'm amazed she's put up with it for this long.

I totally agree.

You’ve said yourself this isn’t a sustainable situation, so why are you complaining that your partner wants to call a stop to it? It’s not going to be any easier to decide in 2 or even 5 years time. You can either cut contact with your racist, homophobic family - who would rather kill you than see you happy - and marry the woman you claim to love. Or you can let her go, and keep your parents happy by marrying a nice asian man - which will destroy you.

I hope you choose love and happiness, and sadly you won’t be the first or the last person to cut contact with their homophobic or racist parents in order to do so. But make a choice - because until you do you’re simply stringing along your poor partner.

I am extraordinarily surprised that your partner has put up with this for so long. She must love you very much indeed.

She sounds like she brings a lot to your life, and that your family bring nothing except problems. I appreciate that their culture contributes to it but how can you bring yourself to spend time with people so disgustingly homophobic and racist? People who would literally kill their own Daughter if they knew the truth?

I agree with your partner. Sell your place, move away and don't tell your family where you've gone. If you wish, write them a letter with no return address and tell them that they won't be seeing you again.

@WindyKnickers

Your family are racist and homophobic. "Culture" or religion do not excuse this. If you want to remain in this relationship and show your partner the respect they deserve you either need to come clean to your family (or cut contact if you are worried about your safety). Hiding the truth from your family is not respecting their beliefs either; its allowing these bigoted views to be perpetuated.

If it was solely about race then absolutely it would be a no brainer to tell the family to like it or lump it, but homophobia is a different ball game when it comes to Islam.

There’s lots of literature on gay Muslim men (not so much on lesbians) and the punishment is extreme to say the least.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_in_Islam

@ChoiceMummy Did she know she would still be in this situation 10 years down the track? I doubt it. Would YOU be happy having to leave your house for 5 months every single year? Really? Be honest. OP is having a tantrum because her emotional abuse and gaslighting of her partner is being exposed. OP is immature, selfish, cruel and ignorant. She is ignorant of how abusive she is towards her partner. OP is an abuser who is using culture to abuse and gaslight another person.

[quote PinaColada123456]@crispmidnightpeace You're still missing the point. The point is the OP is the one that should leave the house for 5 months per year. Her partner has done that for ten years! Time for OP to do her part.[/quote]
Yes fair, I did miss that point. I was focusing on a real concern I had. You're not wrong, there is an argument that she should leave instead of partner.. but where should she go?

I think people are being bullying and abusive to OP

She has only just posted this afternoon about a huge, seriously dangerous issue. Her eyes have been opened to some of the dynamics here, she is learning and going through a process, give the woman a break for gods sake.

She herself will have been brought up in a toxic and abusive dynamic where peoples needs dont really matter on an individual level as long as it suits the community and hierarchy. Inadvertently she also displays this dynamic within her own relationship but as she says, her OH was seemingly ok with it for 10 years but covid has made her re think this, not surprisingly. Its a sea change for them both.

Unfortunately, it looks like you only have two options.

• resign yourself to being alone because your family will never accept you and it’s not fair on your partner, or any future partner, to live this way.

• tell your family and accept that they will never accept you as a lesbian. For safety, you will probably have to move and never let them find you.

Are you worried about going to visit Pakistan? Would they force you to get married there? Would they really try to kill you if they knew the truth?

From the families i have worked with, lesbianism is at best seen as some sort of weird curiosity or as if the person is mentally ill or perhaps possessed.

At worse she will have brought shame on her family and community and that needs to be 'righted'.

[quote PinaColada123456]@ChoiceMummy Did she know she would still be in this situation 10 years down the track? I doubt it. Would YOU be happy having to leave your house for 5 months every single year? Really? Be honest. OP is having a tantrum because her emotional abuse and gaslighting of her partner is being exposed. OP is immature, selfish, cruel and ignorant. She is ignorant of how abusive she is towards her partner. OP is an abuser who is using culture to abuse and gaslight another person.[/quote]
No she is not.

How bloody offensive.

The partner is the one dictating and being controlling with this ultimatum.

If you choose to babe a relationship with someone from such a different background and told from the outset it's disapproved off, not just culturally but religiously, that doesn't suddenly change a decade later.

So as I said, the partner is blatantly ignorant.

@bellac11

I think people are being bullying and abusive to OP

She has only just posted this afternoon about a huge, seriously dangerous issue. Her eyes have been opened to some of the dynamics here, she is learning and going through a process, give the woman a break for gods sake.

She herself will have been brought up in a toxic and abusive dynamic where peoples needs dont really matter on an individual level as long as it suits the community and hierarchy. Inadvertently she also displays this dynamic within her own relationship but as she says, her OH was seemingly ok with it for 10 years but covid has made her re think this, not surprisingly. Its a sea change for them both.

I think if the OP showed even a tiny bit of self awareness and remorse at how she has treated her partner people's responses might be a bit different. But she genuinely still seems shocked that her partner is finally standing up after 10 years of being ejected from her home every year. This is like a AIBU? 99% say yes, OP comes back and continues to say no I'm not, even though basically everyone is saying they are. OP seems shocked her partner is standing up to her, more than anything. There is no awareness whatsoever of her own behaviour, no concession, no remorse at all for how she has treated her partner. It's all me, me, me. Hence why people are responding as they are.

However she does not understand pakistani culture.

You said she has African heritage but you don't think she understands racism and homophobia? Not buying that.

@IncompleteSenten

Unfair v dead

Yeah.

If I loved someone and I knew they were at genuine risk of being murdered if their family found out about us then yes. I'd be their 'flatmate'. Happily.

But move out for a month 4-5 times a year?

You are completely utterly unreasonable. Your mother will
Just have to have a broken heart. Too bad.

Better that than you & your partner both having broken hearts.

Your family are homophobic idiots & by the sounds of it racist too.
You will be well rid.

Your family doesn’t bring you happiness but your partner does. Choose her.

I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy.

Of you genuinely mean this then move to a different part of the country and change your name. You live thousands of miles away from your family. I realise cutting off your family is hard but you knew this day would come.

@ChoiceMummy You are being ridiculous and way out of line. The OP is throwing a tantrum because she can't get her own way. She has forced her partner to make all the sacrifices and now doesn't like it when her partner stands up against the OP's bullying and abuse. The OP is dictating that her partner can't even live in her own home!

If you choose to babe a relationship with someone from such a different background and told from the outset it's disapproved off, not just culturally but religiously, that doesn't suddenly change a decade later.

Then WHY CAN'T THE OP LEAVE THE HOUSE? That is the point you are missing. It's the OP's family that are the problem SHE needs to leave the house. The OP should not have got involved in a relationship if she isn't mature enough to handle her own family. The OP should not have got involved with a woman if she herself can't make allowances. OP is ignorant, a gaslighter and an emotional abuser. The OP is 100% in the wrong.

@bellac11

From the families i have worked with, lesbianism is at best seen as some sort of weird curiosity or as if the person is mentally ill or perhaps possessed.

At worse she will have brought shame on her family and community and that needs to be 'righted'.

That's not the fault or responsibility of her partner.