Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

I understand the dilemma and why this is so difficult in your circumstances. However, there is no way it would ever be reasonable to make your partner leave their home like that. Is this actually 4-5 times per year, for a month each time? That adds up to more than a third of their time, which is crazy! if it was one week a year or similar, I could see you point of view a bit more. ultimately if you want your relationship to work, and your truly intend to never tell your family, I think you have two options:

1. Do what your partner asks and stop having family over. Possibly you could discuss doing this in a gradual way I.e. this year and next allow your mum over once each year and then stop visits altogether. (obviously depends if your partner would consider this).
2. Tell your family that your partner has moved in as a friend and you're sharing the home as housemates. So they can visit and your partner still be there. Even if you do this though, I think your partner may well not feel comfortable to have them around that frequently, and so I'd be working on reducing visits to once a year. (then maybe you could travel there once a year too).

It may not feel like it, but at the moment everything is on your terms and you've managed to keep everything as you'd want with both partner and family. unfortunately you will need to compromise and if you want to keep your relationship, I think you will need to create some distance with your family. This doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with them at all but you need to understand how hurtful it must be for your partner that your family hold such abominable views about her based on race (even without being aware of sexuality). So for you to still be super close with them is a massive slap in the face

I’m assuming your life is not actually in danger in the UK (if that’s where you are). TBH if I were you I think I’d tell my family and then prepare to go non-contact if they can’t accept it. Their homophobic opinions are just not acceptable here, it’s a shame they don’t realise this. I’m surprised you’re going along with it.

@Sasani

Some of the comments truly are hurtful. But I understand I have asked opinions on a public forum. I will try to answer the questions.

1. Even if I leave her. I will never stop being a lesbian. I will have to get married and have sex with a man, the idea of it( no offense) makes me sick.
2. There aren't a lot of Pakistanis in France where we are , so no risks , unless my brothers/cousins/male relatives find out.
3. My partner proposed that we sell the house , go somewhere else, don't tell my family where I am and live our life.
4. If we meet somewhere else , my mum and I , she will get suspicious and ask me why. She constantly tells me that I better not be with a white or black man.
5. She speaks very little English, no french at all. So no she cannot talk to any neighbors
6. When my mother is here, my girlfriend and I still see each other after work, we go for a drink. Sometimes spend the night together. So we still see each other
7. I absolutely hate my family's racism. I do not share the same values.
8. My mother would tell EVERYONE. If I ever confessed. She is a very kind but deep into the culture. She is submissive to my dad and my brothers and their wives live with them
9. I LOVE MY PARTNER. I LOVE HER. I do not treat her like a doormat. She is the woman I always dreamt of. I want to be with her forever. However she does not understand pakistani culture. I explained it to her ( hence why she proposed that we go somewhere else)

ASA Have you ever introduced your partner to any Muslim friends? Visited any Muslim populated areas or countries? I have to say that I think she is being incredibly ignorant to not begin on understand the cultural and religious sensitivities.. You've always stated your stance and she's now trying to push against this. Either she accepts the situation or is she wishes to make ultimatums, she needs to accept that she will probably lose out. I understand why you wish for her to move out when your mum visits, if you have multiple rooms, could she not stay in another room? I do empathise that she doesn't wish to have to move out of her home every few months when you mum visits. Could you compromise and visit her every other trip? Or even meet in a third country, such as Dubai? Though your partner needs to understand that this means you not sharing your annual leave with her if this happens.

I know that you said your life wouldn't be threatened, are you absolutely certain that there are no members that would go down the honour killing route?

I'm with your partner, sell up and go live in peace somewhere. If necessary, talk on the phone to your mother but don't mention anything about a new home. I think I'd rather cut my family off/wean myself away until I can't avoid her wanting to visit and live a life I want without them. Sounds an awful way to live but parents should love their children come what may, if their culture etc gets in the way of that, I think I'd have to cut them out of my life and start afresh. If you're worried someone may come looking, I would even consider changing or part changing my name just for an extra reassurance. Good luck op, I hope you find a way to make you and your girlfriend happy.

@crispmidnightpeace But it's not just about her partner needing the parents to know. The partner is forced out of her house for 5 months every year. Every single year. She is in a home she can only live in for 7 months every year. She is forced to abandon her home, and abandon her partner. Her partner does not have to 'live with' being forced out of her home for almost half a year every year. No one should have to 'live with' that.

I wish my love could just make a bit of effort to help me with this issue.

@Sasani - did you actually read what you were writing? She's the one making all the effort and sacrifice here.

@Amici

I'm with your partner, sell up and go live in peace somewhere. If necessary, talk on the phone to your mother but don't mention anything about a new home. I think I'd rather cut my family off/wean myself away until I can't avoid her wanting to visit and live a life I want without them. Sounds an awful way to live but parents should love their children come what may, if their culture etc gets in the way of that, I think I'd have to cut them out of my life and start afresh. If you're worried someone may come looking, I would even consider changing or part changing my name just for an extra reassurance. Good luck op, I hope you find a way to make you and your girlfriend happy.

I agree with this. You can't expect her to leave her home for a month 4 or 5 times a year. If I were her I would end the relationship.

Your partner's suggestion is a good one. Sell up and move away.

I would also suggest taking your partner's surname upon marriage (or you both take a new name) to make it harder for any of your relatives to trace you.

Your partner is giving up an awful lot to be with you. Not least being kicked out of her home for 4 or 5 months of the year. Which you don't see to appreciate how big a deal that is.

@ChoiceMummy You are completely missing the point. The OP's partner understands the cultural issue. That is not the point!!

The point is the partner is forced out of her own home for 5 months every year. Every single year. She is in a home she can only live in for 7 months every year. She is forced to abandon her home, and abandon her partner. The partner has made this sacrifice for TEN YEARS. The OP has had it all on her own terms, and is the ignorant one. Time for the OP to pull her weight and leave the home, what she has done to her partner and how she has treated her partner is disgusting. You don't force someone to abandon their home for 5 months every year, through no fault of her own! It's OP's problem, she should be the one leaving the home. Her partner has made all the sacrifice and compromise for ten years. She done it for long enough, time for OP to now leave the house for almost half the year, her partner has done it long enough.

Your family are racist and homophobic. "Culture" or religion do not excuse this. If you want to remain in this relationship and show your partner the respect they deserve you either need to come clean to your family (or cut contact if you are worried about your safety). Hiding the truth from your family is not respecting their beliefs either; its allowing these bigoted views to be perpetuated.

She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

How the fuck is she unfair? Do you even realise how much she must love you to put up with this for almost a decade? Do not make her leave her home anymore and understand how much you are minimising her feelings to even suggest that she is unfair to say this is her boundary.

She's right - you need to sell up, and move.

This dancing around the situation will come round and bite you on the arse, and you'll both be in danger. If you love her (and I don't doubt that) don't put her at risk, let alone yourself.

You'll never be able to be yourself with your family. Move forward with the person you can be yourself with.

You have some big decisions to make if you want your relationship to survive.

I think you need to tell your family the whole truth. You are in a same sex relationship with a black woman. And that's that.

If they are willing to accept your choices and move forward then great. (They might surprise you when they realise they could lose you if not).

If they won't accept this then you should put your relationship first.

That means only meeting your family in a neutral place and not uprooting your partner from her own home for nearly half of the year. They stay in a hotel to facilitate seeing you, or you visit them at their home.

Or if it will become toxic then you should cut your family off entirely to enable you to live the live you want.

Ultimately they are racist and homophobic and therefore they are in the wrong if they can't accept your choice of partner so they should be the ones to lose you if they can't find a way to accept you and your partner.

I think your partner has been incredibly tolerant and accommodating this far, not many would be. I certainly wouldn't be moving out of my home on a regular basis to make way for my partners family.

She has made a "little" effort though hasn't she!!! She's put up with it and hid at her families house. I wouldn't be standing for it either.

Am I wrong then

Are Muslims and Islam homophobic and racist.
I seem to be the only person with a different view and got my posts deleted.
Am so confused.

Thank you for those understanding me.

1. My mom would never keep it secret. She would tell my dad, brothers, uncles, cousins, my sister-in-laws' brothers/fathers. They all live together or are neighbors. I have no sisters. Maybe it would have been different. When my mom visits I know everything about everyone's business. " X is a whore , Y is a single mother , Z cheated".
2. Even the mean posts made me think. I would rather spend time with my partner than my mother. This Covid pandemic has been a blessing to me. Spending all my time with the lady I love.
3. It is unfair to make her leave, yes. You are right. But I have no other choice. She was fine with it. It is only recently at the idea of going back to that "routine" that she showed any sign of unhappiness.
4. Of course I can't live forever like this. Because eventually if I don't get married to a man and have babies my family will be suspicious and would ask me to comeback to marry a man. Again, the thought of having to sleep with a man makes me want to throw up.

I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy.

It sounds like you now know what you need to do but understandably the idea of it is scary because it’s such a big thing.

I hope you manage to find the strength to put yourself first and live a happy life with your partner.

@botanicalart

Am I wrong then

Are Muslims and Islam homophobic and racist.
I seem to be the only person with a different view and got my posts deleted.
Am so confused.

I think anybody who is intolerant of a person based on their race or sexual orientation is either racist of homophobic regardless of their cultural or religious beliefs.

If someone feels strongly about it they should keep their mouth shut because it's not acceptable.

[quote PinaColada123456]**@crispmidnightpeace* But it's not just about her partner needing the parents to know. The partner is forced out of her house for 5 months* every year. Every single year. She is in a home she can only live in for 7 months every year. She is forced to abandon her home, and abandon her partner. Her partner does not have to 'live with' being forced out of her home for almost half a year every year. No one should have to 'live with' that.[/quote]
I agree it's reasonable for the partner to demand she tell them unless it would involve her risking her life or risking her parents completely cutting her off. Until you've been cut off by or cut off a parent you can't know the desolation you feel, even when the parent is bad.

That's what I said what I said. I'm not denying the partner has legitimate feelings, I'm asking what the real risk is and I stand by my assertion that the two risks I mentioned are reasons for her partner to be the one to cope.

Her partner should not have to cope with that, but she does presumably because she loves her, which is admirable, but it COULD be that she needs to accept it, and that would be if telling her parents would risk her life or her parents cutting her off.

3) It is unfair to make her leave, yes. You are right. But I have no other choice. She was fine with it. It is only recently at the idea of going back to that "routine" that she showed any sign of unhappiness

You do have a choice. You are still ignoring the solutions that have been suggested.

Book an Air B&B for her visits. You move out for those months and spend it with your mother. Tell her your roommate will not accept long term visitors.

This does not out you. It does not put you in danger. It shows compromise and respect to your partner in terms of her home.

You lie about your life to your mother now. This is simply a different lie.

@Sasani

Thank you for those understanding me.

1. My mom would never keep it secret. She would tell my dad, brothers, uncles, cousins, my sister-in-laws' brothers/fathers. They all live together or are neighbors. I have no sisters. Maybe it would have been different. When my mom visits I know everything about everyone's business. " X is a whore , Y is a single mother , Z cheated".
2. Even the mean posts made me think. I would rather spend time with my partner than my mother. This Covid pandemic has been a blessing to me. Spending all my time with the lady I love.
3. It is unfair to make her leave, yes. You are right. But I have no other choice. She was fine with it. It is only recently at the idea of going back to that "routine" that she showed any sign of unhappiness.
4. Of course I can't live forever like this. Because eventually if I don't get married to a man and have babies my family will be suspicious and would ask me to comeback to marry a man. Again, the thought of having to sleep with a man makes me want to throw up.

I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy.

So if "I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy."

then that suggests to me that you are happy to cut your parents out of your life?

If so, are you not telling them because you risk a different repercussion, OR because you would prefer to avoid being cut off by them if possible?

@Sasani

Thank you for those understanding me.

1. My mom would never keep it secret. She would tell my dad, brothers, uncles, cousins, my sister-in-laws' brothers/fathers. They all live together or are neighbors. I have no sisters. Maybe it would have been different. When my mom visits I know everything about everyone's business. " X is a whore , Y is a single mother , Z cheated".
2. Even the mean posts made me think. I would rather spend time with my partner than my mother. This Covid pandemic has been a blessing to me. Spending all my time with the lady I love.
3. It is unfair to make her leave, yes. You are right. But I have no other choice. She was fine with it. It is only recently at the idea of going back to that "routine" that she showed any sign of unhappiness.
4. Of course I can't live forever like this. Because eventually if I don't get married to a man and have babies my family will be suspicious and would ask me to comeback to marry a man. Again, the thought of having to sleep with a man makes me want to throw up.

I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy.

I think you are in a process whereby you will eventuallly come to the decision that you will have cut off from your family, you dont have a choice in the end

If you were not gay, despite it being a huge loss you could end your relationship with a man who's not 'appropriate' and hope, just hope that whoever was arranged for you back home might be right for you and you have a happy life

But there is no chance of that, you'll probably end up with very poor MH and trauma of being forced into a relationship with a man.

So you dont have any option really to ensure that this doesnt happen and that means 'disappearing' of your own choice.

@Sasani

Thank you for those understanding me.

1. My mom would never keep it secret. She would tell my dad, brothers, uncles, cousins, my sister-in-laws' brothers/fathers. They all live together or are neighbors. I have no sisters. Maybe it would have been different. When my mom visits I know everything about everyone's business. " X is a whore , Y is a single mother , Z cheated".
2. Even the mean posts made me think. I would rather spend time with my partner than my mother. This Covid pandemic has been a blessing to me. Spending all my time with the lady I love.
3. It is unfair to make her leave, yes. You are right. But I have no other choice. She was fine with it. It is only recently at the idea of going back to that "routine" that she showed any sign of unhappiness.
4. Of course I can't live forever like this. Because eventually if I don't get married to a man and have babies my family will be suspicious and would ask me to comeback to marry a man. Again, the thought of having to sleep with a man makes me want to throw up.

I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy.

3) It is unfair to make her leave, yes. You are right. But I have no other choice. She was fine with it. It is only recently at the idea of going back to that "routine" that she showed any sign of unhappiness.

---

The lockdown shone a light on lots of things for lots of people.
People realised they really like or dislike certain things because they suddenly had the gift of time and a break from routine to help them realise.
She probably felt stuck in a rut and couldn't get out of it. Now she's had a couple of years to see what life could actually be like, and I don't blame her for not wanting to revert back to hiding away and being packed off out of her own house

@Sasani

Thank you for those understanding me.

1. My mom would never keep it secret. She would tell my dad, brothers, uncles, cousins, my sister-in-laws' brothers/fathers. They all live together or are neighbors. I have no sisters. Maybe it would have been different. When my mom visits I know everything about everyone's business. " X is a whore , Y is a single mother , Z cheated".
2. Even the mean posts made me think. I would rather spend time with my partner than my mother. This Covid pandemic has been a blessing to me. Spending all my time with the lady I love.
3. It is unfair to make her leave, yes. You are right. But I have no other choice. She was fine with it. It is only recently at the idea of going back to that "routine" that she showed any sign of unhappiness.
4. Of course I can't live forever like this. Because eventually if I don't get married to a man and have babies my family will be suspicious and would ask me to comeback to marry a man. Again, the thought of having to sleep with a man makes me want to throw up.

I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy.

1. Then you need to disown your mother, and your family. Or, set your partner free.

1. Was she 'really' fine with it though? From your posts, you don't sound like you would have noticed or cared that she was unhappy, everything is all about you. Maybe she realised after TEN YEARS that she should not be the one making all the sacrifice and all the compromise, and started to stand up for herself. The fact that you seem surprised that after ten years of being forced to flee her own home for almost half a year, EVERY YEAR, for a decade is not right or fair, you have a cheek to even ask that, and that you seem surprised that she is asserting her rights against your abuse makes you sound even worse. You actually seem surprised that she no longer wants to do it after ten years, you still don't get it, do you? You are very self-absorbed that you cannot understand why after ten years, she's saying she's had enough of paying for your family's problems. It's your family causing the problems, therefore you are the one who needs to leave. You are giving the impression you are shocked that she is, of course, showing unhappiness, and that if she just kept doing your bidding and doing what you want you'd be happy. You make it clear that her happiness doesn't matter to you.

You're just going round in circles. You've been told what you need to do. Basically, you need to cut your mother off from your life, forever, or you need to let your partner go to find someone who will treat her half decent, which is more than you are doing right now. It doesn't sound like you will ever put your girlfriend's needs or happiness first. So please do the decent thing and end your relationship. Only someone cruel keeps someone from being truly happy with someone else.