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Original poster

Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

502 replies

Sasani · 27/03/2022 15:48

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/03/2022 19:33

I think she has decided that now she doesnt want go back to having to leave her house.

You cant continue with this - you do have a choice and it is one that you are going to have to make. At the moment your issue is that you are refusing to make it and continuing to try and have both.

But as you say at some point they are going to want you to get married so you cannot continue with this.

I have to say selling up and moving where they dont know where you are sounds like it could work for you.

And I think you need to recoognise how much you have put on your partner to leave her home for a month at a time

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2022 19:36

You’re going to have to choose a life hiding who you are or telling your mum and choosing your partner who has been more than patient with you

PingPages · 27/03/2022 19:44

Is this a reverse or something similar?

Your mother basically lives with you half the year? I’m confused

spotcheck · 27/03/2022 20:00

2) There aren't a lot of Pakistanis in France where we are , so no risks , unless my brothers/cousins/male relatives find out

OP
What would happen if your male relatives found out?

Either way, this situation is going to come to a head. Either your partner forces your hand in some way, or your mum will by wanting you to marry a man/ someone from your culture.

Either way, you will need to come to grips with a very very big life decision.
Can you get help? As pps have suggested, seek help from a charity which specialises in these situations.

Do you know, deep down that you will have to cut ties with your family, but you just aren't ready?

TheNameOfTheRoses · 27/03/2022 20:03

I wish I could pretend I am dead so I could live my life in peace with my girlfriend, get married and be happy.

It might sounds harsh but maybe that’s your solution.

It doesn’t seem that you can reconcile your family and your DP/being lesbian etc…
I’m not sure I’d want to throw away a great relationship to someone who is the love if my life for a family that would force me to marry a man. Or that would ostracised/threaten to kill me if they knew who I am.

It’s a very harsh choice to make there.
But I am actually nit sure yo have a choice but to cut yourself out if your family if you want any hope of a life for yourself/happiness.

ldontWanna · 27/03/2022 20:16

@ChoiceMummy OP claims she wants to marry this woman. How exactly will that work?

ChoiceMummy · 27/03/2022 20:25

[quote ldontWanna]@ChoiceMummy OP claims she wants to marry this woman. How exactly will that work?[/quote]
With an awful lot of understanding and compromise.

Mixed ethnic relationships can be difficult. Mixed faith relationships can be difficult. Both can be a nightmare and require a lot of love and understanding.

Believe me I know! Even within the Islamic faith, marriage between Muslims from different ethnic groups can be really hard and are not for everyone. And this may be that the op's partner has realised that it's not for her or she has to start accepting that if she wishes to remain with op she needs temper her expectations.

I also know that the op will have to have a very good reason for her continuing to decline talk of male proposals and talk of marriage/babies....

charmingbat · 27/03/2022 20:34

You have choices. Tell them or leave her. It’s hard but you have to confront this one day.

Original poster
Sasani · 27/03/2022 20:35
  1. My mother would be heartbroken if I moved away and not tell her. We are very close. I was born and raised in Pakistan. If they found out. At best they would force me to get married and "delesbian" me by having me have sex with a man. I don't want to marry a man, I don't care how nice he would be. I never had sex with a man. At worst they would kill me, yes..
  2. I will propose my mother to meet in Turkey and tell her I can only do it for short periods because I work. We have family in Turkey. But again they will all p me off with getting married , my age, children blablabla 3)I NEVER said she knew nothing about racism or homophobia. Of course she knows it very well, but her family is OK with it but Pakistani and her home country culture are very different and she always lived in France.
  3. I AM NOT SELFISH. I love her. We have a great life when my mom is not there.
OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 27/03/2022 20:42

You are selfish, you expect your partner to pay for a property that although she owns half, she isn't entitled to use for between 1/3 and 1/2 the year to avoid you having a fight with your mother. Selfish. Very selfish.

Tell your mother. She my cut you off. She might have already guessed and just want you to keep it from wider family.

But if your mother only loves a fake straight version of you, what is that relationship giving either of you?

I wouldn't marry someone who was ashamed of me. I cant believe you think its reasonable of your DP to accept this.

grapewines · 27/03/2022 20:45

Of course you're selfish. You want the status quo because it's easiest for you without much thought to what it does to the person you claim to love.

PinaColada123456 · 27/03/2022 20:45

@Sasani

1) My mother would be heartbroken if I moved away and not tell her. We are very close. I was born and raised in Pakistan. If they found out. At best they would force me to get married and "delesbian" me by having me have sex with a man. I don't want to marry a man, I don't care how nice he would be. I never had sex with a man. At worst they would kill me, yes.. 2) I will propose my mother to meet in Turkey and tell her I can only do it for short periods because I work. We have family in Turkey. But again they will all p me off with getting married , my age, children blablabla 3)I NEVER said she knew nothing about racism or homophobia. Of course she knows it very well, but her family is OK with it but Pakistani and her home country culture are very different and she always lived in France. 4) I AM NOT SELFISH. I love her. We have a great life when my mom is not there.
OP you ARE SELFISH!!! You have forced your partner to make all the sacrifice and all the compromise for TEN YEARS! And now you whinge because she rightly found the strength to stand up to your abuse and bullying. YOU ARE VERY SELFISH! And your denial and refusal to show any remorse or accept any fault shows that you never loved your partner and she would be far better off without you.
PinaColada123456 · 27/03/2022 20:51

@Sasani

1) My mother would be heartbroken if I moved away and not tell her. We are very close. I was born and raised in Pakistan. If they found out. At best they would force me to get married and "delesbian" me by having me have sex with a man. I don't want to marry a man, I don't care how nice he would be. I never had sex with a man. At worst they would kill me, yes.. 2) I will propose my mother to meet in Turkey and tell her I can only do it for short periods because I work. We have family in Turkey. But again they will all p me off with getting married , my age, children blablabla 3)I NEVER said she knew nothing about racism or homophobia. Of course she knows it very well, but her family is OK with it but Pakistani and her home country culture are very different and she always lived in France. 4) I AM NOT SELFISH. I love her. We have a great life when my mom is not there.
I love her.

No you don't. What you are doing is abuse, it's not love. You don't seem to understand the concept of love. Love doesn't make one person make all the sacrifices so you can live a content life. Love is not selfish like you are. Love doesn't force your partner to flee her home for almost half a year every year.

Love is setting a person free to find real true happiness. You are not capable of giving your partner that love or happiness. If you loved her, you'd set her free.

We have a great life when my mom is not there.

What, for half a year??

Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2022 20:52

You basically want to have your cake and eat it
It’s pretty selfish and unfair for everyone

yellowsuninthesky · 27/03/2022 20:52

It's not selfish to not want to be killed. Well, ok it is, but not in the usual MN sense.

But pp's are right OP. You have to cut off your family. Or end your relationship. You can't have both.

girlmom21 · 27/03/2022 20:54

@Sasani if it's as dangerous as you think it is, is your partner at risk?

NannyKrampus · 27/03/2022 20:58

You constantly talk of your culture. But your partner also has her culture, which you are actively disrespecting. What about her family who see how you treat her! Yours does not trump hers. You are super selfish wanting to force her to make massive sacrifices so that you can lie and play happy families for half of the year. You have admitted yourself that you are not in physical danger. You are just not brave enough to stand by your sexual orientation and appease racists.

beastlyslumber · 27/03/2022 21:00

You're not "very close" with your mom. She doesn't know you at all. You lie to her about your life and about who you are and who you love.

You said yourself that if she did know the truth, she would put you in danger by telling everyone, and force you into marriage with a man. In other words, do what she wants or face the consequences.

That is not a close relationship. That's an abusive relationship.

beachcitygirl · 27/03/2022 21:04

You may be THE most selfish poster on here ever.

No one is saying it is easy.
BUT
It is simple

Leave your partner
Or
Leave your family.

That's it.

Now stop being selfish & get on with it

unname · 27/03/2022 21:07

Does she not understand that your life would be at stake if your family learned that you were a lesbian? The last thing she should encourage you to do is to return there.

BurntEnds · 27/03/2022 21:09

But again they will all p me off with getting married , my age, children blablabla yes this is shit but you can't force your partner who you aparantly love to move out for a month 4-5 times a year.

I love her. odd way of showing it, you have a solution but instead of meeting your family at their house or in Turkey where you will get stick for not being married you decide its easier to chuck her out for months at a time.

We have a great life when my mom is not there. so what. 7-8/12ths of a year?

MargosKaftan · 27/03/2022 21:13

The OL said she might be killed if she returns to Pakistan and they know there she is gay. Perhaps this a choice you need to make before taking next steps to marriage. The cost of being in a long term committed relationship with your DP is France is now your home, you don't go back. You tell your mum, you accept she might put her homophobia above her love for her dd and refuse to see you.

Or you decide the priority for you is being a good daughter and the relationship with your mother, in which case start winding down your relationship with your DP, can she buy you out of the house or can you buy her out?

(BTW - I trust you cover all bills including the mortgage for the months shes not allowed to live in her own home?!)

newbiename · 27/03/2022 21:13

@Sasani

1) My mother would be heartbroken if I moved away and not tell her. We are very close. I was born and raised in Pakistan. If they found out. At best they would force me to get married and "delesbian" me by having me have sex with a man. I don't want to marry a man, I don't care how nice he would be. I never had sex with a man. At worst they would kill me, yes.. 2) I will propose my mother to meet in Turkey and tell her I can only do it for short periods because I work. We have family in Turkey. But again they will all p me off with getting married , my age, children blablabla 3)I NEVER said she knew nothing about racism or homophobia. Of course she knows it very well, but her family is OK with it but Pakistani and her home country culture are very different and she always lived in France. 4) I AM NOT SELFISH. I love her. We have a great life when my mom is not there.
You are selfish and abusive. You have picked your racist homophobic family over your partner. She must be a saint to have put up with this crap for ten years. I think she should leave you. You'll have a very sad lonely life , but at least you'll have your mother.
CocoLoco123 · 27/03/2022 21:13

@Sasani

1) My mother would be heartbroken if I moved away and not tell her. We are very close. I was born and raised in Pakistan. If they found out. At best they would force me to get married and "delesbian" me by having me have sex with a man. I don't want to marry a man, I don't care how nice he would be. I never had sex with a man. At worst they would kill me, yes.. 2) I will propose my mother to meet in Turkey and tell her I can only do it for short periods because I work. We have family in Turkey. But again they will all p me off with getting married , my age, children blablabla 3)I NEVER said she knew nothing about racism or homophobia. Of course she knows it very well, but her family is OK with it but Pakistani and her home country culture are very different and she always lived in France. 4) I AM NOT SELFISH. I love her. We have a great life when my mom is not there.
So your partner has been making sacrifices for 10 years to be with you. What sacrifices are YOU prepared to make now?
Original poster
Sasani · 27/03/2022 21:15

How am I selfish ? Before covid she was fine with it. When we were younger she accepted to pretend she was my friend. She knew from the beginning that my family had lots of stupid stereotypes about Black people. I never hid anything from her. I introduced her to my family via skype, and translated EVERYTHING they said.

Everyone critising me forgot the bit when I said that when my mom was there we still meet , have drinks and sex.

I don't want to leave her, she's the one who said she would dump me if I don't meet my mother somewhere else. I don't want to "let her go" maybe that's selfish. But I love her, when she is gone I constantly think about her. She is the woman of my life. We have been together since we were 18. YES, I am ready to make sacrifices too. But she will still get to see her family and I won't. I wish we both left and forgot about our families.

If we leave, it would be to a different country, get married and change names. Well at least I would have to. Thanks everyone.

OP posts: