Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

If you love your partner you need to make that love unconditional and chose to be with her 100% of the time.

Thankfully you are not in Pakistan and you have forged a new life in a more forgiving culture. You can't go backwards op and your family should have realised that when you left. However, you do need to be honest with your family and at the same time allow your partner to be in an honest relationship too.

You chose your partner. If your family chose to cut you off when they know that is their choice not yours and dignity will be on your side.

I think you are totally unreasonable to expect your partner to move out every time your Mum or other family come to visit.
I would suggest that your life may be in danger if you were to come out and then travel to Pakistan but would it not be worth accepting that you can never go back in return for demonstrating to your partner that you aren't ashamed of her or your relationship ?
Your family probably won't ever accept you for who you are. Do you really want to risk losing your lovely, supportive and loving partner because of them. ?

@Mosaic123

Can you tell your Mum ONLY so that when she comes your partner can stay as your partner?

You can make your Mum promise not to tell everyone else if that's what you want.

This could be a good compromise

This is a dangerous proposition. Unfortunately, some women are so brainwashed that they’re worse than the men. She might not be able to avoid spilling the beans.

It's great she is being understanding in you not wanting to tell your family. But she shouldn't be asked to leave her home for a month. Why can't she be there when your family visit without behaving like your in a relationship? Surely your family should respect that your "roommate" can't keep leaving the home when they visit.

It’s such a hard situation
Unfortunately you are going to have to choose between your family and your partner. It’s not fair and it’s not right but it sounds like you can’t have both.
Your partner has been more than reasonable and she shouldn’t need to hide from your family anymore

If your wonderful partner (who sounds like a Saint for being so patient) truly is the woman you see yourself spending the rest of your life with I'd prioritise her, not the family that might kill you or see you forcibly married. Keeping yourself safe and alive is essential and you said your Mother would tell everyone, so there is no safe way to tell your family the truth. What if you keep lying and your partner goes along with all the moving in and out, and you're found out anyway?

I think your choice is stark.

You have to choose OP.
I don't think you should start visiting Pakistan as a compromise. It's not safe for you, just in case. That's very clear.

You don't even need to tell them you're gay - just that you're marrying somebody they won't approve of.

I would not ever go back to Pakistan if I were you. Even the slightest hint that you are a lesbian could make your family believe that you have dishonoured them and your life could be at risk. Maybe not from them but from other males outside the family who get wind of it.

If your life is not at risk from people you know here in the U.K. then tell your mother the truth and she can choose to visit or not.

I would be wary about male members of your family coming over but that of course is up to you.

Unfortunately these beliefs of honour and family name are ingrained in the hearts and minds of some, so I understand why you have chosen to conceal your relationship.

But it’s weird g go expect your partner to live out when your family visit.

The only way to carry on your secret life would be for you to rent a cottage somewhere at your expense when family visit.

@botanicalart I have reported your post. Deeply offensive to people who are under this pressure. Please do not underestimate how many families will absolutely consider (and carry out) honour killings. Yes, even within European countries outside of India/ Pakistan.

Your partner has bought a house, and she's not allowed to live in it for a whole month at a time?? I understand why you can't "just tell your parents", but you can't expect her to live like this either.

If it's possible to meet your mum elsewhere, then do that. If that's too inconvenient then I think you'll have to choose between your parents or your partner.

i think lots of people do not understand any culture except their own.
look at some youtube videos, of everyday life in pakistan.
then maybe you will begin to grasp that it is a totally different culture.
i can see why OP is in a dilemma.

OP when I married my DH in a Greek Orthodox Church (his family tradition, we are mixed race couple), the priest told us that when we marry, we turn from our parents and towards each other. This of course doesn’t mean we abandon our parents—it means that as husband and wife our priority is now one another and not our parents. Nothing other than that will work. It is the same for you and your DW. You are for her and she is for you and if your family cannot accept that, you stand with your DW, openly and proudly, and leave your family to their own feelings.

Don’t put yourself in danger, so if that means not going back to Pakistan, don’t go. Do you really think that they would pursue and kill you in your adopted country? If yes, you need some kind of support network—is there a charity that specialises in this problem?

This is a difficult topic to advise you on unless any of us are the same race as you, as none of us will understand just how important family is in your culture. I guess your family group is large and extends into a community which includes friends and many extended family members, so it’s not going to be easy to disassociate yourself from them all, so i totally sympathise with you that’s it not just a case of cutting off your parents, but would involve alienating yourself from many others too. However, I wouldn’t ask your DP to leave the home when they visit. Are there no other family members in France where you could all meet up during their visits?

You were born into your family by chance.
You chose your partner.
You have another choice to make.
Be with the woman you love for the rest of your life
OR
Live the rest of your life in a lie to satisfy your family...
Move away.
Do not contact your family.
Be with your lady.
Or let her go.
She deserves respect... and right now you are not showing her that.

@alexdgr8

i think lots of people do not understand any culture except their own. look at some youtube videos, of everyday life in pakistan. then maybe you will begin to grasp that it is a totally different culture. i can see why OP is in a dilemma.

Exactly and how emotionally abused the OP has been, as a child and adult and why its not appropriate to call her emotionally abusive or gaslighting, she is trying to work out a way forward and work things through in her own head.

In anwer to someone else, I too have reported the previous post, it was racist.

It's going to be a simple choice your partner or your family. Unfortunately you cannot have both and I'm amazed its taken 10 years for this to come to a head.

@alexdgr8

i think lots of people do not understand any culture except their own. look at some youtube videos, of everyday life in pakistan. then maybe you will begin to grasp that it is a totally different culture. i can see why OP is in a dilemma.

@alexdgr8 I think we all understand that. That's not the point. The point that you are missing is that the OP is making her partner make all the compromises and all sacrifices, the OP is forcing her partner to leave her own home for almost half a year, each and every single year.

That's the point. Not what the culture is like. We all understand that, it's beside the point.

@botanicalart

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I think OP has a better idea about what her family is like than you do

This is really tough and I feel for you. I think though that from what you’ve written you’ve managed to fly under the radar and live your double life since your late teens. Seems likely that you’ve been able to do that because you were young still and could get away with not seriously looking for marriage yet. Trouble is, the issue is wider than your relationship. At aged 28 the pressure will surely build and build to marry a man and have babies and surely your family will begin to question why you aren’t doing that? From what you describe, at some point crunch time will happen, particularly as you get into your thirties.

What will you do then? How will you avoid the pressure to get married to a man, whether you stay together with your partner or not? Will you choose to do what your family expects and live the rest of your life with a man?

It sounds awful and I feel for you, your choices are not good ones as they involve loss or secrecy and fear of discovery. But your hand will be forced sooner or later - even if it isn’t by your partner’s unhappiness.

You will have to make a choice about what you are willing to keep and what you are willing to lose and that is horrible. But I think the time is arriving where that choice has to be made.

The way your living isn’t sustainable. Your partner has been more than patient but I think you owe it to her, and yourself, to be honest and move forward. If your family can’t love you for who you are then do you really want them in your life? As tough as it will be your living a lie

@botanicalart

there is no reason to report me.

Muslims and Islam believe in peace and love.
I am shocked how people are accepting the worst of Muslims.

Though I am not one, everything I read in the press proves it is truly a religion of peace and love.

The OP is peddling false information.

If my post gets deleted then I will be horrified because the acceptance of people of Pakistan and Islam being homophobic and racist is going to be devastating

OP is “peddling false information”?? You are claiming to know more about her family than she does and more about her religion than she does, it’s ridiculous And in any case her families attitudes may be more cultural than religious. As for everything you read in the press proving Islam is a religion of peace and love - I have no idea what press you read but generally the mainstream press are pretty Islamaphobic. Basically nothing you say makes any sense

@Sasani

Some of the comments truly are hurtful. But I understand I have asked opinions on a public forum. I will try to answer the questions.

1. Even if I leave her. I will never stop being a lesbian. I will have to get married and have sex with a man, the idea of it( no offense) makes me sick.
2. There aren't a lot of Pakistanis in France where we are , so no risks , unless my brothers/cousins/male relatives find out.
3. My partner proposed that we sell the house , go somewhere else, don't tell my family where I am and live our life.
4. If we meet somewhere else , my mum and I , she will get suspicious and ask me why. She constantly tells me that I better not be with a white or black man.
5. She speaks very little English, no french at all. So no she cannot talk to any neighbors
6. When my mother is here, my girlfriend and I still see each other after work, we go for a drink. Sometimes spend the night together. So we still see each other
7. I absolutely hate my family's racism. I do not share the same values.
8. My mother would tell EVERYONE. If I ever confessed. She is a very kind but deep into the culture. She is submissive to my dad and my brothers and their wives live with them
9. I LOVE MY PARTNER. I LOVE HER. I do not treat her like a doormat. She is the woman I always dreamt of. I want to be with her forever. However she does not understand pakistani culture. I explained it to her ( hence why she proposed that we go somewhere else)

Hi. I understand you. I grew up with culture, religion and all the baggage that comes with it. You have to live your truth, there is no other way. You will lose your family (for a while, anyway, and maybe not all of them) but you will be free to live your life fully. I had to make a hard decision, as I left the faith, it was not easy. I knew and understood how hard it would be on my parents whom I loved inordinately , not only that, I was the youngest from a large family with loads of brothers (anyway , I won't go into the nitty gritty of what happened). Suffice to say I was without them for 20 years, had my own family and did well. Of course I missed some of them and my relationships with my young nephews and nieces, but I would not change what I did. I walked my path, my truth and without any pretence. My family and I have met at times over the last 10 years and I have good relationships with my sisters again. My dad doesn't care about it anymore, neither do the others really. It is a hard path to take, as long as you have someone who loves you and is with you every step of the way. Be brave. It will be messy, emotional and maybe nasty - but time has a way of healing or forging some acceptance.

Hey, I don't want to be out of order here but is it possible you would be killed whilst residing here by your family or someone known to your family?

I am aware these things happen, and I wonder if this is a distinct possibility? Can you rule that out?

If not then of course you are doing right to never tell them.
If you can absolutely 100% rule that out then the next worse thing is being cut off by your parents. This is not a viable option, it's heartbreaking and could ruin your life.

If they would not cut you off then you would just be upsetting them - this is the scenario where it becomes reasonable for your partner to pressure you.

Being cut off from your parents or killed are not options and your partner should understand this and live with it. If her partner's parents knowing about her is something she MUST have then she will simply have to find another partner.