Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

Your partner must have an incredibly low self-esteem to put up with being hidden like this for 10 years, she has the patience of a saint! Now the doormat is rising up and wanting to stay in her own home for 4 or 5 months a year you are complaining that she's making no effort?!? You need to reread your posts, and be grateful your DP hasn't already left you, as most probably would have done so by now.

@HellToTheNope

But I have no choice

Of course you do, and you are currently making the wrong one.

The level of disrespect you are showing your partner is staggering, and I'm amazed she's put up with it for this long. Asking her to leave her home so your homophobic mother can visit is absolutely outrageous. Who do you think you are?

You need to stand up to your family like an adult and live truthfully. If your family cuts you out, so be it. They sound horrible anyway. Your partner would be mad to marry you under these circumstances.

This.

You have a choice. I was staggered when I read that you're asking her to move out of her home for a month at a time!!!

It sounds like she has been amazingly understanding for many years but you'll trash your relationship if you carry on like this and you're very unlikely to find another woman who will put up with this either.

Your family are horrible, homophobic, racist and violent people and if I was you I would simply cut all contact with them.

I wish my love could just make a bit of effort to help me with this issue.

So 9 years of her supporting you, her accepting your relationship has been kept secret from your family, her family supporting you emotionally also and her even moving out of her own house for a month so that your nasty family can spend a month living in her home that she pays for, is not making an effort?!?!

I'm all honesty, I think it's unreasonable that you expect your partner to leave her own home for a month at a time.

Either go home to visit your family or get them to stay in an Air B&B.
Your partner should never be pushed out of her home.

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

Easier to have 0/2 families supporting and loving you as a couple versus 1/2 doing so? That makes no sense.

This family has welcomed you with open arms, been nice to you and continued to be nice to you despite a relationship dynamic that is hurting the mental health of their family member, your partner.

You should want to maintain your relationship with them, not want your partner to miss out on her relationship with them to settle the score. It's a petty and cruel wish.

It is not her or her family's fault that her family are kind but yours are kind only to people whose life choices they agree with. And would think there is any reason in the world that it's acceptable women are forced into marriage, raped or even killed.

It is not her or her family's fault that your family are racist, homophobic and xenophobic. It's not your fault either, but your wishes re cutting off her family if you would have to cut off yours are entirely your fault and something you should really consider deeply.

I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

For you.

Not for her, your supportive and loving partner.

Not for her family, supportive and kind people.

For you.

This isn't what love looks like.

Admit it OP. You resent /are jealous of your gf for having the family you want, the life you want.

That's why things have been like this and why you're so reluctant to change. It's your way of keeping her in her place. After all,why should she have everything,right?

Yeah that's becoming very clear.

But OP will be back saying "I love her, I'm not selfish" and then spew out some more horrible comments.

That’s not fair, wanting her to give up her family too. Please never say that to her or you really will end up losing her.

It sucks, of course it does, but you can’t expect your gf to move out all those times. She’s realised what she was sacrificing once she didn’t have to do it anymore through covid. Now she understandably doesn’t want to go back to doing it again.

She shouldnt lose her home during the visits but you should say she is a flat mate or housemate or friend who is staying with you

That's also ridiculous. Why should the OP's partner have to act and get involved in the lying?

@Sasani

My long term plan was to reduce her visits to maybe once a year ( due to work reasons) and marry my girlfriend.

I would never ask her to go no contact with her family. She would say no anyway and her family would hate me. They are very nice to me so I wouldn't want them to hate me. Now leaving the country seems like a good idea. But where we'd go she also has family... I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

Why would she go no contact with her family when they are kind and loving people who have supported both her and you, and even accommodated her for 1/3 to 1/2 of each year when you force her to leave her own home?!

Whereas your family are nasty, homophobic, racist and potentially dangerous. Any one of those is enough reason to cut contact let alone all of them put together.

Clearly you don't like the responses you've got even though pretty much every poster agrees. You seem deluded. You have treated your partner appallingly and I'm amazed she's put up with this for so long. Clearly she's had enough so who are you going to be loyal to, your "love", as you put it, or your horrendous family?

How would your "plan" even work OP? When you talk to your family about your life, you just pretend she doesn't exist? You would get married and not tell them? As life goes on, you have news about your wedding, stuff she is doing, or a new home you're bought together, or she gets ill, and you'll just pretend none of that exists when you talk to your family? What if she was terminally ill and you were distraught, would you just chat to your mum like everything was normal?!?

It's messed up beyond belief and simply not sustainable.

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

You are astoundingly selfish. No-one have you said anything other than me,me, me,I, I..you don't love your girlfriend because you have not spoken or considered how she feels anwhere in your posts, your girlfriend deserves better thansomeone as selfish and narcissistic as you.

After reading more of your comments in this thread, I genuinely think that you have 2 options.

1. Break up with your partner and choose your family.
2. Choose your partner and go no contact with your family.

Clearly you don't like the responses you've got even though pretty much every poster agrees. You seem deluded. You have treated your partner appallingly and I'm amazed she's put up with this for so long

1000% it seems to get worse with every update. I seriously hope she leaves you as you don’t seem as if you’d ever put her before your family. I understand your situation but you sound like a horrible person tbh

@IncompleteSenten

Unfair v dead

Yeah.

If I loved someone and I knew they were at genuine risk of being murdered if their family found out about us then yes. I'd be their 'flatmate'. Happily.

This is nonsense. OP doesn't need to disclose anything to her family and put herself at risk. She needs to either:

1. Cut all contact with them, put her (by the sounds of it) very lovely and tolerant partner first, move to a new house so her family have no way to find them, and marry her partner and live and authentic life; or

2. break up with her poor, long-suffering partner who she never should have had a relationship with at all if she wasn't prepared to acknowledge publicly, and remain single forever so that nobody else is subjected to this homophobia and racism in future.

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

None of this is “fair”, your family is horrible but you can’t seriously expect her to even consider cutting off from her family for no reason other than to make it more balanced between the two of you.

"I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us."

I'm disgusted by OP - I can scarcely remember coming across a more selfish, self absorbed, gaslighting woman in the many years I've been on here. Her poor DP deserves so much better. I'm rooting for OP to get her selfish arse kicked to the kerb sooner rather than later and her DP to find a lovely lady who actually does love her.

@bellac11

And people are quite rightlly putting the OP right that the partner shouldnt be leaving the home during the visits. This is an incredibly difficult situation to navigate and OP is trying to work through that

However OP leaving the house would start to raise questions and raise risk, there are some dangerously ignorant responses on here about how much people are or are not at risk because she is living in France. OP may even herself be minimising that because some women in that culture do not want to face up to the danger

The best the OP can hope for if her family find out is that they think she is mentally ill, thats another popular believe about lesbianism in cultures like that

So, disgusting and maybe violent homophobes as has been said multiple times.

I cannot understand why anybody would want people like that in their life, let alone choose them over a loving and extremely accommodating partner who they profess to love.

OP will not be at risk if she simply cuts contact with these horrendous excuses for human beings that she calls a "family" and moves house so that they have no way to continue to inflict their homophobia and racism on her or her partner's life again. If she chooses not to, eventually (probably soon) her partner will leave.

At 28 you want to settle down, if you've been in a LTR this long. Maybe think about kids. Family is clearly important to the OP's partner (ironically, that's probably why she's tolerated this for so long). But you can't live a life like this forever. Never mention the person who is your life partner? Your holidays, their health, your wedding, the possible children you may have?! It's just nonsense. The OP will need to choose which life she wants: the woman she says she loves and the sexuality she says she has, or pretending forever to be someone else to make her homophobic and racist family happy. The "fudge" is over.

3) My partner proposed that we sell the house , go somewhere else, don't tell my family where I am and live our life.

Wise advice. Listen to her.

4) If we meet somewhere else , my mum and I , she will get suspicious and ask me why. She constantly tells me that I better not be with a white or black man.

Yes so as you have already said, she is a vile racist. Get her out of your life.

6) When my mother is here, my girlfriend and I still see each other after work, we go for a drink. Sometimes spend the night together. So we still see each other

How big of you. Is she meant to be grateful that you meet her occasionally for a drink and sex? You said you want to marry this woman. You make her move out of her own home multiple times per year then think this makes it ok?

7) I absolutely hate my family's racism. I do not share the same values.

People's values are demonstrated by what they do, not what they say. My Pakistani friends were shocked having moved to the UK to find how kind people were and what they do for charity etc from simple altruism, not "duty" or religious mandates that are resented. I'm sorry but the culture and family environment you were raised in sounds incredibly toxic. It's your decision whether to break free from that and have a happy life where you can be true to yourself and your values, or not. Your "values" mean nothing if you do not live them through your actions and you go along with all the racist and homophobic bile. That makes you part of the problem.

9) I LOVE MY PARTNER. I LOVE HER. I do not treat her like a doormat. She is the woman I always dreamt of. I want to be with her forever. However she does not understand pakistani culture. I explained it to her ( hence why she proposed that we go somewhere else)

She doesn't need to understand Pakistani culture. She is telling you that your behaviour is hurting her (this should have been obvious for many years, but clearly you've been oblivious). It's not her problem to fix. She's been very accommodating but enough is enough. To quote a very crude British saying, "it is time to shit or get off the pot". If you loved her you'd never have treated her with such disrespect all of this time as there can be no love without respect.

Either apologise to her hugely for how appalling you have treated her and make a new life together with no contact with your horrific family ever, or break up with her and let her find a relationship with someone who will publicly acknowledge her and resign yourself to being a celibate lesbian forever to please your family so that you never do this to anyone else again because it is horrendous.

@alexdgr8

i think lots of people do not understand any culture except their own. look at some youtube videos, of everyday life in pakistan. then maybe you will begin to grasp that it is a totally different culture. i can see why OP is in a dilemma.

The OP does not live in Pakistan so that is not relevant.

I've got the same heritage as you except I was born and bred outside the country. You're being selfish and unfair to your gf by making her move out every time your mum fancies coming round and I can't believe she's putting up with it. You need to tell the family, if they are open minded enough to be okay with you working abroad and the economic advantages that gives you then I can't see why they can't be open minded enough to accept who you choose to be with.
They will likely try to hide it from the 'wider community' but if your mum keeps turning up then she needs to know so your gf can feel comfortable in her own home rather than having to keep hiding traces of herself 4/5 times a year. You sound like you want to have your cake and eat it by leading the life you want secretly at the expense of your partners home life, and it makes you sound like a not very nice person. You said you don't fear for your life, it sounds like you aren't letting her feel secure in her own home just so you can avoid having an uncomfortable conversation with your parents.

And no, not all south Asians are racist.

I think ultimately OP, the miscommunication here may be about what are appropriate boundaries in families. You have been brought up to believe that family comes first even if they are misogynistic, homophobic racists.

In a healthy culture none of this would be accepted. You say these aren't your values, so why do you accept them and let your family force you to live by them even from a continent away?

Family is so important. But healthy family relationships have boundaries. You accept in a family that other people may have different values to you but you love them and treat them with respect anyway.

You seem pretty clear that your family would not love and respect you if they really knew who you are. Or might even be violent towards you. Therefore, they do not love or respect you.

Your partner has shown you immense, almost superhuman love and respect. But everyone has their limits as they also need to maintain self-respect. It sounds as though you've reached hers.

So you can choose between mutual love and respect with someone who loves you, or being alone and self-hatred for not being true to yourself and knowing that this "family" that you give such priority would want to kill you if they knew the real you.

This right choice to make is SO obvious it's ridiculous, and yet, you haven't done it yet. And actually posted a thread saying you thought that your partner was being unfair to you.

Why?

You must have internalised a lot of this hatred and racism and homophobia and misogynism to even be contemplating what you've done to your partner.

I think if you need to get some therapy immediately if you don't want to lose her for good.

@namechangee101

I've got the same heritage as you except I was born and bred outside the country. You're being selfish and unfair to your gf by making her move out every time your mum fancies coming round and I can't believe she's putting up with it. You need to tell the family, if they are open minded enough to be okay with you working abroad and the economic advantages that gives you then I can't see why they can't be open minded enough to accept who you choose to be with. They will likely try to hide it from the 'wider community' but if your mum keeps turning up then she needs to know so your gf can feel comfortable in her own home rather than having to keep hiding traces of herself 4/5 times a year. You sound like you want to have your cake and eat it by leading the life you want secretly at the expense of your partners home life, and it makes you sound like a not very nice person. You said you don't fear for your life, it sounds like you aren't letting her feel secure in her own home just so you can avoid having an uncomfortable conversation with your parents.

Totally agree

In your later posts you talk about how they could harm you. If that's the case then the best option would be to go no contact with them. If that's not the case then start by slowly introducing your mum to aspects of your life when she is around, i.e. multicultural friendship groups, lifestyle etc. see how she responds and see how the extended family responds before deciding whether to tell them or go nc and live your life.