Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

502 replies

Sasani · 27/03/2022 15:48

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

OP posts:
Godxilla · 27/03/2022 22:57

@Sasani

1) Yes I knew was I was getting into. I was taught lots of racist stuff when I was growing up. But I fell in love with a black woman and I hate their racist views. South Asians can be extremely racist. They would hate it if I got with an Indian or Caucasians too, not as much as an African but still. 2) I am not going back to Pakistan, I don't want to have sex with a man. 3) Obviously as I get older I will find an excuse to explain why I am not married. I just don't know what 4) I AM READY TO MAKE SACRIFICES. I will meet my mother in Turkey. 5) How am I abusing her ? I don't get it. She loves me and that's how she showed her support. She also knew what she was getting into. When we started dating , and throughout the years she'd say " I don't mind as long as I can be with you". It's only after the Covid/lockdown she changed her mind. 6) Yes I want to marry her, as long as I am in France , nobody on my side needs to know about it. I don't care if I never see my dad or my brothers again. It's only my mother I am struggling with.
I really understand that you don't want to cut ties with your mum , I really do. I had to do it, it was so painful. I lost 20 years of being with her but I lived my truth. I loved her and she loved me. I'm hoping things get sorted sooner than 20 years for you (this was because of other people, not my mum-i had to cut ties completely). Talk to your mum, she may surprise you- but always have a safety plan- just in case of violence or kidnapping or both- I speak from experience.
ldontWanna · 27/03/2022 23:00

[quote PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn]@idontwanna she doesn't need to have all the answers to every potential issue between now and the rest her life fgs

She's come up with a solution that means she doesn't ask her partner to leave their home and will visit her mum elsewhere. That's the problem she came to the boards with.

If it works for them for now and the foreseeable then great, it's really not for anyone else to pass judgement on how she will manage in 10 years time, which is ridiculous.[/quote]
I bet that's why the gf is making demands now. She wasted 10 years, no more. She wants marriage,a future. She wants to not have to leave her home for however many years.

OP can't claim she wants to marry this woman but at the same time not put any work or thought into how exactly it's going to work. That's how they both ended up here in the first place x

babywalker56 · 27/03/2022 23:00

As a black woman who was in a similar situation with an Iraqi/Kurdish man (nowhere near as many years as you two tho). I hope she finds the strength and courage to leave this relationship and be with someone who truly loves her and will put her before a racist/homophobic family

ldontWanna · 27/03/2022 23:00

Sorry meant to put full stop not x.

HangingRock25 · 27/03/2022 23:00

@DirectionToPerfection

I can't believe anyone is trying to defend that comment. If a man expressed that view he'd be savaged on here.
Very true. Lets re-write the situation.

Man and woman a relationship, man has deeply religious parents in Pakistan. Man and woman live together. It is forbidden in his culture to cohabit. His mother comes to visit him in the UK for 5 months a year, and in that 5 months, the man kicks the woman out of their shared home, that they both paid for, so he can have his mum move in with him 5 months of the year.

In ordinary circumstances, the male would be called abusive and it would be recommended that she leave him and find a relationship where she is treated better.

babywalker56 · 27/03/2022 23:01

It’s very selfish to be with someone knowing your family is this way and you won’t cut them off and put your family first. I feel sorry for your parter

AnastasiaRomanov · 27/03/2022 23:15

Your mother is virtually living with you. Four or five months a year is ridiculous. Your partner has been very patient. Firstly, tell your mother these lengthy visits are no longer an option. How can you have a relationship with someone who isn’t living with you for nearly half the year, but hiding ?

I think you have no option but to be honest with your mother and face the consequences. In any case, your mother is staying for far too long. Surely if she knows the truth she would keep it quiet from other members of the family if necessary?
You can’t go on like this, it’s not fair on your partner.

DirectionToPerfection · 27/03/2022 23:15

@HangingRock25 Indeed.

To want the person you love to cut herself off from a loving and accepting family is so awful. Even if OP never asked for it, the fact that she even thinks this way is really concerning.

The healthy thing to do is embrace the family that accepts you for who you are.

I really feel for OP's partner.

RiverRats · 27/03/2022 23:15

I cant imagine how difficult this is for you, but you need to make a decision. Even if you and your partner break up you will still be a lesbian and your family will still wonder why you aren’t married. Do you have plans on how you will explain this in the future?

TulaOfDarkWater · 27/03/2022 23:17

On another note OP, I have an Indian friend who is a lesbian & she’s been married to a gay Indian man for the last 10 years, it works well for both of them as they’ve fulfilled familial expectations but are free to see whomever they want; in fact they cover for each other so maybe something to think about.

AnastasiaRomanov · 27/03/2022 23:20

[quote DirectionToPerfection]**@HangingRock25 Indeed.

To want the person you love to cut herself off from a loving and accepting family is so awful. Even if OP never asked for it, the fact that she even thinks this way is really concerning.

The healthy thing to do is embrace the family that accepts you for who you are.

I really feel for OP's partner.[/quote]
It’s abusive in itself.

DirectionToPerfection · 27/03/2022 23:20

@TulaOfDarkWater

On another note OP, I have an Indian friend who is a lesbian & she’s been married to a gay Indian man for the last 10 years, it works well for both of them as they’ve fulfilled familial expectations but are free to see whomever they want; in fact they cover for each other so maybe something to think about.
How does this help OP's partner who wants marriage and commitment?
Sillyotter · 27/03/2022 23:20

Do you have a long term plan regarding your family and your sexuality?

TheGrinchsDog · 27/03/2022 23:28

I have some sympathy OP but in order for you to live with a comfortable relationship with your family she (and you) must live a life hidden away.

That is not a pleasant existence to live. 10 years of being in a type of prison where you cannot stretch out and truly live as yourselves.

I feel really sad for you because it's a really hard position to be in, but I feel equally sad for your DP who has been putting her life on hold for a decade for your (awful) family.

You don't sound as though you are really able to be appreciative and understanding of the sacrifices your partner has made for you.

I'd advise you to (as safely as possible) tell your family the truth and finally live your life as who you really are, whether they decide to stay in your life or not.

Jk24 · 27/03/2022 23:29

Op you say you don't want to go no contact with your mum but then talk about moving away and changing your name? Personally if my family didn't accept me for who I was and would go as far as to kill me, I wouldn't want any contact with them

Original poster
Sasani · 27/03/2022 23:30

My long term plan was to reduce her visits to maybe once a year ( due to work reasons) and marry my girlfriend.

I would never ask her to go no contact with her family. She would say no anyway and her family would hate me. They are very nice to me so I wouldn't want them to hate me. Now leaving the country seems like a good idea. But where we'd go she also has family... I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 27/03/2022 23:31

You're in a crap situation, but it ultimately comes down to one question. Who do you want to keep in your life more? The family who would want to kill you if you knew who you really were, or the woman who loves you so much that she has spent years living as your dirty secret, and moving out of her own home for a large part of the year? It sounds like you cannot have both, so you need to decide which you want more.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 27/03/2022 23:33

I haven't defended the op's actions at all. Nor do I think it's at all acceptable if she wished to cut her partner off from her family.

However I think the comment people are referring to have been misunderstood and I interpreted it differently. I read it as someone feeling desperate, expressing an emotional in-the-moment wish that they could just run off together and leave all the stress behind them.

I think most people have felt similar at one point or another.

If I'm wrong, then, yes it's not acceptable, but I don't believe that the op has any wish for her partner to abandon her family. Nor do I believe that she genuinely wished it in the heat of the moment.

It's an intensely stressful situation for both of then. I think the op has been extraordinarily lucky to have such an understanding partner who has put with a huge amount that, for most people, would have been intolerable.

I think where there's a risk of coerced marriage or honour killings to a woman (and a man wouldn't be at risk in the same way) from family members of a culture vastly different to that of some posters, it's near impossible for many of us to understand the strain the op is under and how difficult to make the break with her family.

At no point have I defended her family and I told the op myself her expectations of her partner were wrong.

The op asked for help and perspectives on which of them was being unfair. She has been told in no uncertain terms that its her, but I'm still capable of sympathy for a person being on the end of strong criticism from faceless strangers.

purpleme12 · 27/03/2022 23:34

Wow
Although i can't ever relate to this kind of situation- i think it's very culture driven, you hear/read/watch about situations like this and it must be really hard
I'm not sure i can offer much help but i really hope you both find peace in this both you and your girlfriend

Sakura7 · 27/03/2022 23:34

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

Unbelievable.

Easier for who? Certainly not your partner.

It is unfair that you were dealt a bad hand at life regarding your family. But you have to do some work on dealing with that yourself (please get some counselling). Instead you want to spread the misery around and hurt the person you claim to love.

TulaOfDarkWater · 27/03/2022 23:35

How does this help OP's partner who wants marriage and commitment?

  1. OP’s partner isn’t here, my advice to her would be very different
  1. In my friend’s situation, it is a religious marriage as opposed to a legal one (they never made it legal) so they are both free to legally marry someone else if they wish
  1. I’m just telling OP how someone I know in a similar situation has made it work, what she does with that is up to her
Redglitter · 27/03/2022 23:35

I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us

Why on earth would you expect her to cut ties with her family.

HangingRock25 · 27/03/2022 23:35

@Sasani

My long term plan was to reduce her visits to maybe once a year ( due to work reasons) and marry my girlfriend.

I would never ask her to go no contact with her family. She would say no anyway and her family would hate me. They are very nice to me so I wouldn't want them to hate me. Now leaving the country seems like a good idea. But where we'd go she also has family... I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings.

You didn't care at all about being unfair to her, chucking her out of her own home. It's your family that is being unfair, her family have been nothing but nice to you.

I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

No, it wouldn't. And here you are, again, repeating the offensive comment. It wouldn't be easier. Having her family and not yours would be easier.

You're not learning anything from this thread are you?

ldontWanna · 27/03/2022 23:39

@Sasani

My long term plan was to reduce her visits to maybe once a year ( due to work reasons) and marry my girlfriend.

I would never ask her to go no contact with her family. She would say no anyway and her family would hate me. They are very nice to me so I wouldn't want them to hate me. Now leaving the country seems like a good idea. But where we'd go she also has family... I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

Admit it OP. You resent /are jealous of your gf for having the family you want, the life you want.

That's why things have been like this and why you're so reluctant to change. It's your way of keeping her in her place. After all,why should she have everything,right?

cakewench · 27/03/2022 23:40

Unfair because she has has a lovely family and you have a family that would rather see you raped than live your life on your own terms.

It isn’t her fault you have the family you do. You want to punish her for your family. Please listen to what you’re saying. You should love that the woman you love has such a wonderful family.