Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

@Escarpahell

There's sadly no compromise here OP, you either have to choose the woman you love and want to spend the rest of your life with in freedom or you have to choose the repressive culture of the other woman you love, the one who, simply by age, will not be with you for the latter part of your life.

I think this is the sad and painful truth OP.

And if one of those women would rather you were forced to marry a man, have sex with him (essentially be raped) or be killed than accept you have a female partner... regardless of the fact she is your mother I don't think that is someone emotionally safe to be in your life.

If I was your partner I would be terrified that people who could react that way to your sexuality were people who were still in your life. Because I would be so worried, all the time, that you were in danger both emotionally and physically.

Starting a new life with a woman who genuinely adores you, and closing the door on one with a family who might say they adore you, but who would actually despise you and believe your forced marriage, rape and even murder could be vaguely justified if they knew who you really were sounds like the best choice to me.

Not saying it wouldn't be hugely painful. But I'm saying it's likely the right thing for you.

@Sassbott

You also know by the way, that at anytime, if you visit Pakistan, your family could very easily force you into a marriage and prevent you from leaving. It’s not difficult if that is what your family wishes.

What is your plan?

Just do not go there. Seriously, do not visit; it will be too risky.

@IncompleteSenten

Unfair v dead

Yeah.

If I loved someone and I knew they were at genuine risk of being murdered if their family found out about us then yes. I'd be their 'flatmate'. Happily.

This

@AntoinetteCosway

I'm a lesbian in a relationship with someone from a country where it's illegal. I get it, and I think some of the more outraged commenters here have no idea what it's like to be in this situation. I'm sorry OP, it sucks, and the only thing I can suggest it keep talking about it - with her, with a therapist, with anyone who's safe. Things can change, and hope is not lost.

This

1. Yes I knew was I was getting into. I was taught lots of racist stuff when I was growing up. But I fell in love with a black woman and I hate their racist views. South Asians can be extremely racist. They would hate it if I got with an Indian or Caucasians too, not as much as an African but still.
2. I am not going back to Pakistan, I don't want to have sex with a man.
3. Obviously as I get older I will find an excuse to explain why I am not married. I just don't know what
4. I AM READY TO MAKE SACRIFICES. I will meet my mother in Turkey.
5. How am I abusing her ? I don't get it. She loves me and that's how she showed her support. She also knew what she was getting into. When we started dating , and throughout the years she'd say " I don't mind as long as I can be with you". It's only after the Covid/lockdown she changed her mind.
6. Yes I want to marry her, as long as I am in France , nobody on my side needs to know about it. I don't care if I never see my dad or my brothers again. It's only my mother I am struggling with.

You clearly aren’t looking for opinions. You are looking for justification. And you’re getting irritable that you’re not receiving it. I’m truly sorry for the circumstances you are in, but you have made your choice (yes, it is a choice), so the right thing to do is release your partner from this and find someone who doesn’t mind living a lie with you.

Call me naive, but how can they physically force you into an arranged marriage if you live in another country to them and aren’t financially or in any other way supported by them?

You keep asking how you're being selfish. The answer keeps being repeated. It's because you are forcing your partner out of her own home for approximately half a year, and you make no compromises or sacrifices.

@RandomMess

At some you need something to change because as you said they will force you back to Pakistan to marry.

They can't force you. They can try, but they can't drag you kicking and screaming through the airport. There comes a time you have to grow up and face a fucking awful situation head on. You have to throw the familial and cultural chains off , which isn't easy or pretty. You have a wonderful partner and your in-laws for your support. Confide in them, accept their support and stand up for yourself because otherwise you will live a miserable life , and you know it.

@Sasani

1) Yes I knew was I was getting into. I was taught lots of racist stuff when I was growing up. But I fell in love with a black woman and I hate their racist views. South Asians can be extremely racist. They would hate it if I got with an Indian or Caucasians too, not as much as an African but still. 2) I am not going back to Pakistan, I don't want to have sex with a man. 3) Obviously as I get older I will find an excuse to explain why I am not married. I just don't know what 4) I AM READY TO MAKE SACRIFICES. I will meet my mother in Turkey. 5) How am I abusing her ? I don't get it. She loves me and that's how she showed her support. She also knew what she was getting into. When we started dating , and throughout the years she'd say " I don't mind as long as I can be with you". It's only after the Covid/lockdown she changed her mind. 6) Yes I want to marry her, as long as I am in France , nobody on my side needs to know about it. I don't care if I never see my dad or my brothers again. It's only my mother I am struggling with.

How exactly do you expect to keep everything about the wedding hidden? Do you plan to hide wedding rings,pictures,cards,trinkets etc every time your mum visits? Will you still expect your wife to leave her own home every time your mum visits?

For how long do you want to keep this up? 10 more years?20? 30? Until your mum dies?
No kids?

@Sasani

1) Yes I knew was I was getting into. I was taught lots of racist stuff when I was growing up. But I fell in love with a black woman and I hate their racist views. South Asians can be extremely racist. They would hate it if I got with an Indian or Caucasians too, not as much as an African but still. 2) I am not going back to Pakistan, I don't want to have sex with a man. 3) Obviously as I get older I will find an excuse to explain why I am not married. I just don't know what 4) I AM READY TO MAKE SACRIFICES. I will meet my mother in Turkey. 5) How am I abusing her ? I don't get it. She loves me and that's how she showed her support. She also knew what she was getting into. When we started dating , and throughout the years she'd say " I don't mind as long as I can be with you". It's only after the Covid/lockdown she changed her mind. 6) Yes I want to marry her, as long as I am in France , nobody on my side needs to know about it. I don't care if I never see my dad or my brothers again. It's only my mother I am struggling with.

" I don't mind as long as I can be with you". It's only after the Covid/lockdown she changed her mind

She didn't envisage that 'be with you' to be only 7 months of the year. She also probably felt that you wouldn't be chucking her out of her own home for almost half of the year forever. You took advantage of her good nature, her saying she didn't mind. A decent person wouldn't take advantage of that, and would not treat her that way. Even if she said she was ok with it, you should never have continued chucking her out of her own home for 5 months every single year so you could continue your lie. The costs to her were far too high, and she realised this after Covid and changed her mind. You've abused her good nature.

And yes you are being selfish.
You want to have your cake and eat it.
Keep a relationship with your mum, pretend to be the good dutiful daughter but keep your girlfriend too. All on your terms.

Meeting up and having sex when your mum is here is not the grand gesture you think it is. It's not for your girlfriend's benefit, it's yours.

OP I think your partner has been wonderful in going along with the pretence as long as she has. It must be hard for you living a double life & not making mistakes in what you tell your families. However it must be incredibly hard for her to essentially be a secret & move out her home!

You really need to take stock of the reality. Do you really believe you can continue the lie for the rest of your life? Do you really thing you can dodge your Mum visiting France forever? What would happen if you were in a terrible accident and in a coma pr dead? Is it fair on your partner to deal with the situation while continuing to pretend she is only a friend!?

@idontwanna she doesn't need to have all the answers to every potential issue between now and the rest her life fgs

She's come up with a solution that means she doesn't ask her partner to leave their home and will visit her mum elsewhere. That's the problem she came to the boards with.

If it works for them for now and the foreseeable then great, it's really not for anyone else to pass judgement on how she will manage in 10 years time, which is ridiculous.

I'm horrified to read that OP now expects the so called 'woman of her life' to cut off her loving and supportive family. To put her through extreme pain and despair, and for what? So you can be even?

This is controlling and abusive behaviour, no doubt about it.

I think you badly need therapy OP, and you shouldn't be in a relationship until you are in a healthier place.

[quote PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn]@idontwanna she doesn't need to have all the answers to every potential issue between now and the rest her life fgs

She's come up with a solution that means she doesn't ask her partner to leave their home and will visit her mum elsewhere. That's the problem she came to the boards with.

If it works for them for now and the foreseeable then great, it's really not for anyone else to pass judgement on how she will manage in 10 years time, which is ridiculous.[/quote]
It's not ridiculous at all. OP does need to think about this. Not thinking into the future is what has got the OP into this mess fgs.

I'm horrified to read that OP now expects the so called 'woman of her life' to cut off her loving and supportive family
Where did she say this?
@DirectionToPerfection

But she will still get to see her family and I won't. I wish we both left and forgot about our families.

This from a woman who says she isn't selfish?

@HangingRock25 she's not saying she's going to bury her head in the sand for the rest of her life but she doesn't need to know all the answers for the rest of her life right now.

None of us do. We all make it up as we go along.

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn

She said quote 'YES, I am ready to make sacrifices too. But she will still get to see her family and I won't. I wish we both left and forgot about our families.'

@BulletTrain

But she will still get to see her family and I won't. I wish we both left and forgot about our families.

This from a woman who says she isn't selfish?

Very different from having an expectation that someone will abandon their family. So many threads on this where someone is stressed our and worried and upset and can't see their way through a difficult situation express the same sentiment and don't get blasted for it.

People need to calm down.

Maybe 'want' would be a better word to use than 'expect' but it's extremely concerning that the OP is thinking like this.

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn a poster above has just quoted what the OP said about wanting them both to leave their families.

@BulletTrain

But she will still get to see her family and I won't. I wish we both left and forgot about our families.

This from a woman who says she isn't selfish?

Yes, and considering her partner's family have been welcoming and supportive of OP, that is a particularly selfish, cruel and spiteful thing to say! I wonder how OP's partner would feel about that, and how the partner's parents would feel hearing the OP wishes their daughter had left and forgot about them? OP sounds more and more ungrateful, spiteful, hateful and selfish the more she posts.

She also knew what she was getting into

Yes, and so did you when you started a relationship your mother would condemn and wider community persecute you for with a woman in France with a family that supported her and the different expectations from life that would bring.

You talk like the issue is that people don’t understand your culture and that’s largely true, certainly of the details and ins and outs but I’m certain people have grasped the basic issues. They also have a decent grasp of your girlfriends point of view.

I don’t think comprehension is the issue here, I think it’s your denial of the reality of what your options feasibly are if you’re expecting a marriage (presuming you’re entering into it with the intention of it lasting for life) to work.

Covid may have hastened the place your girlfriend has arrived at but that was always going to happen one way or another as time went on and your mothers visits impacted your home and lives together. Sneaking around for a month multiple times a year loses its appeal massively as you get older never mind the constant background worries about the family pressure you’re under and the very real possibility you will be harmed. That much pressure will always come to head eventually.

You’re at the point of marriage and your life plan is to continue as you are, it shouldn’t be a surprise to you that your girlfriend expects more stability alongside commitment.

I can't believe anyone is trying to defend that comment. If a man expressed that view he'd be savaged on here.

People need to calm down.

Or some people need to stop being contrarian for the sake of it and making excuses for selfish and abhorrent behaviour.