Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

So choosing your mum over your girlfriend and by what you say they're eventually gonna force you to be unhappy/raped because you refuse to support your girlfriend.

On one hand you have a 10 year relationship with a loving girlfriend who has sacrifice d what seems so much for you, on the other racist/homophobic people who youve lied to for 10 years creating a false version of yourself and by your own words will eventually want to hurt you because you aren't married and wil actively promote you being raped of murdered...and youre choosing that hand.

But she will still get to see her family and I won't. I wish we both left and forgot about our families.

And that shows your true nature. You are selfish. You want your partner to lose contact with her family, because your family will never accept her and your sexual orientation. What kind of person wants that for the 'love of their life'?

@Sasani

How am I selfish ? Before covid she was fine with it. When we were younger she accepted to pretend she was my friend. She knew from the beginning that my family had lots of stupid stereotypes about Black people. I never hid anything from her. I introduced her to my family via skype, and translated EVERYTHING they said.

Everyone critising me forgot the bit when I said that when my mom was there we still meet , have drinks and sex.

I don't want to leave her, she's the one who said she would dump me if I don't meet my mother somewhere else. I don't want to "let her go" maybe that's selfish. But I love her, when she is gone I constantly think about her. She is the woman of my life. We have been together since we were 18. YES, I am ready to make sacrifices too. But she will still get to see her family and I won't. I wish we both left and forgot about our families.

If we leave, it would be to a different country, get married and change names. Well at least I would have to. Thanks everyone.

You are asking her to move out of her own home for 5 months of the year. So what if you meet and have sex? It’s her home.

I really don't think it's fair that your girlfriend has made this ultimatum. The fact your entire family would disown you is a huge ask of you. To never see them or speak to them again, ever. She's known this for 9 years.

She probably thinks she would do the same for you, but she wouldn't, and neither of you should have to.

If you intend getting married and being together forever, that means accepting each other's history, culture, family and finding a way to support each other through life, not make challenges.

It is for you to decide who you share your sexual orientation with. It's your choice. If someone wants to force you to do this then their motives might not be healthy for you.

You might need to consider leaving her. I know you love her, but she isn't protecting you or your relationship together. This isn't about her staying with her family... there is an insecurity building somewhere. Does she want out herself but can't say it?

Either way something else is going on and I think if you can't get to the bottom of it, and she can't support tou, then you need to leave.

You are 28.... I don't want to discredit your relationship but you are still young.

I'm gobsmacked at the people on here shouting that OP needs to get on with it, why's she ignoring the advice, she needs to do XYZ immediately. She only posted this a few hours ago - this is a massive, complex situation, and it's very easy to say what's right or wrong when it's not your family you may never see again, or who may harm you, or your relationship on the line. She needs help - therapy, friends, etc, not bullying. It's making me sick.

@Sasani

How am I selfish ? Before covid she was fine with it. When we were younger she accepted to pretend she was my friend. She knew from the beginning that my family had lots of stupid stereotypes about Black people. I never hid anything from her. I introduced her to my family via skype, and translated EVERYTHING they said.

Everyone critising me forgot the bit when I said that when my mom was there we still meet , have drinks and sex.

I don't want to leave her, she's the one who said she would dump me if I don't meet my mother somewhere else. I don't want to "let her go" maybe that's selfish. But I love her, when she is gone I constantly think about her. She is the woman of my life. We have been together since we were 18. YES, I am ready to make sacrifices too. But she will still get to see her family and I won't. I wish we both left and forgot about our families.

If we leave, it would be to a different country, get married and change names. Well at least I would have to. Thanks everyone.

You're not selfish @Sasani

The problem is you've posted on a forum with very little understanding and empathy of the faith and cultural backgrounds of others.

Good luck.

I can never be with a man, never. I am only attracted to women. I will always be a lesbian. Lesbian + African wife. Yes they would either tell me to never talk about it and marry me to my cousin/stranger or kill me. I am not from Islamabad or some big city.

What kind of person wants that for the 'love of their life'?

OPs girlfriend does. Your calling the wrong person selfish.

Just like you can't pick your family she can't pick hers, if you both ran away why should she be punished again by losing her family when you've already said hers are great, that's not her fault and I dunno why you'd want great people out of your life? Only so your girlfriend hurts the same as you would

Is the issue that she doesn’t understand you not telling your parents (as the title) or that she’s said she won’t move out of her home for a month at a time to accommodate your mum?

I’m so sorry op. This sounds like a terrible position to be in. I have never had any kind of experience that is even remotely similar so I won’t judge you for your actions or how you managed things so far.

It’s really hard because in reality there does seem to be no good option. It also sounds like sooner or later there is going to be an issue between you and your family anyhow….so maybe you are delaying the inevitable.

I wonder if ultimately you will have to make a choice. Given your family pose such a risk to you, simply because of who you are, I would think choosing your GF would be wise, although difficult.

@Sasani

My life is not in danger, no. I am not in the UK but France btw. I don't want my family to disown me. My mom generally comes 4 to 5 times a year. She loves the city and to be away from her duties. She wants me to get married bladibla,she is so proud of me that I managed to buy a house in France. It would break her heart if she knew the truth...

My partner's family is super nice, supported me. So it's not like she spends a month with horrible people. I badly want to get married with her. I love her. The fact that I am a lesbian in a relationship with a woman who's of African origins is the ultimate taboo.

We are both 28 , have good jobs, everything seems so forget. I wish my love could just make a bit of effort to help me with this issue. We managed for nearly 10 years, she never explained why it's suddenly an issue.

I’m sorry it’s so hard but you really shouldn’t expect your partner (soon wife) to move out of her home for a month every time your mum comes to visit.

You either need to visit her more often and avoid mum visits to France or you need to come out to your family. I recognise why you may feel unable to do this but you also need to confront the fact that the vast majority of people would feel the same as your partner. You will end up losing her if you can’t see her complaint as totally justified. It doesn’t mean she isn’t supportive. It just means she can’t live her life like this, few could.

@YoBeaches

I really don't think it's fair that your girlfriend has made this ultimatum. The fact your entire family would disown you is a huge ask of you. To never see them or speak to them again, ever. She's known this for 9 years.

She probably thinks she would do the same for you, but she wouldn't, and neither of you should have to.

If you intend getting married and being together forever, that means accepting each other's history, culture, family and finding a way to support each other through life, not make challenges.

It is for you to decide who you share your sexual orientation with. It's your choice. If someone wants to force you to do this then their motives might not be healthy for you.

You might need to consider leaving her. I know you love her, but she isn't protecting you or your relationship together. This isn't about her staying with her family... there is an insecurity building somewhere. Does she want out herself but can't say it?

Either way something else is going on and I think if you can't get to the bottom of it, and she can't support tou, then you need to leave.

You are 28.... I don't want to discredit your relationship but you are still young.

I don't disagree fully but if OP is never planning to tell her family don't you think that will make having a relationship hard until she's older/ her family dies? How many people would be willing to move out for almost half a year every year so they're existence can be ignored? Even if OP doesn't give into the demands of this girlfriend I don't see it working out with another either

@YoBeaches

What kind of person wants that for the 'love of their life'?

OPs girlfriend does. Your calling the wrong person selfish.

But her girlfriends' family accepted her and treat her like part of their own family now. She could look at it from that perspective. Yes, she might lose her 'biological' family, but she will gain a new family who accept her they way she is. I'm not surprised that her girlfriend is tired of hiding after 10 years, she didn't do anything wrong. She suffered for 10 years, how is that selfish? Everyone wants to be accepted. She has a right to leave her girlfriend or ask her not to be kicked out of her own house for a half a year at the time. How is that selfish? Why is she the only person making sacrifices here?

I think she's right, you shouldn't be lying. It's partly because so many Asians, especially in Britain lie to their community about sexuality that things aren't changing fast enough. I know someone who even has a fake wife (she's legally his wife but they are both gay and he lives with a partner his family know nothing about.

@YoBeaches Maybe read the whole thread. The OPs partner has had to leave her own home for 5 months, every single year, for ten years! The OP has forced her partner out of her own home, so the OP can live a lie. Now, the OP's partner is justifiably standing up for herself and saying she will no longer be the one who makes all the sacrifices, who has to flee her own home for almost half a year every year, while the OP gets to sit pretty and content and makes no sacrifices at all. The OP is selfish and abusive, and is unfair to her partner. The OP is clearly not capable of being in a loving, fair, equitable relationship. Her partner deserves better.

@YoBeaches

What kind of person wants that for the 'love of their life'?

OPs girlfriend does. Your calling the wrong person selfish.

You clearly haven't read the full thread. OP's girlfriend has make ALL the sacrifices, while OP has made none!

@ChoiceMummy Faith and cultural background is not the issue. The issue is the OP is forcing her partner out of her own home for ALMOST HALF A YEAR, every year, for a DECADE. OP has made no sacrifices herself, her partner has made ALL the sacrifices.

That, is why the OP is selfish. The OP is the one who should be leaving the home and meeting her mother (who she appears to live with almost half a year) elsewhere.

Ok you love her, but that’s not enough is it? Ten years together, approaching your thirties? Things change and your gf clearly doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with this half life that you’re presenting as her only option if she wants to be with you. Love erodes if you neglect everything else thinking love is enough. At best it turns into ambiguity at worst resentment.

Choosing between family and partner is a really terrible position to be in but that’s the position you’re in. There aren’t any compromises.

I can’t pretend to understand the cultural difficulties you’re facing but I can absolutely understand your unhappiness at the prospect of losing either your mum or your gf, the problem is that your love for them isn’t enough to make either happy enough to help you make this work. Putting aside the obvious issues stemming from your culture you’re asking a lot of your gf and her family (and it will affect her family having her living with them so much, it’s hardly the kind of stability most parents want for their children) and nothing from you’re own mother. From your gf’s pov your relationship with your mother is being maintained at her and her futures expense.

If you love your partner like you say you do, honestly I think you should make the sacrifice and be honest with your family. Your partner must feel awful being your dirty little secret.

What an awful position to be In.
Can you not just say you need to rent out a room as you need the money and say she's a roommate again?

I can’t even imagine how her moving out works. Surely it’s a massive job to erase her from your house, then you must have to intercept post and avoid talking to anyone you know when your mum is visiting. I think I would be less stressful for you to meet her elsewhere anyway.

You need to take a long hard look at the "relationship" you have with your family. I think you'll realise that it's incredibly one-sided and you're not getting much from it beyond formalities. If you read your own posts back you've said it's likely they would:

• physically hurt you
• force you marry against your wishes
• actively encourage marital rape
• disown you regardlessly

Sounds like an abusive relationship to me personally and I think you could do with therapy to work through what exactly you get from them other than a sense of duty and possibly fear.

I don't think it's fair to ask your partner to live a lie, and I don't think it's going to work. Either the relationship will crumble or the truth will come out whether you want it or not.

I realise your family have very traditional values but this isn't the 1920s, they've made an active choice to be racist homophobes. Sounds like they've made it clear that they value their religion more than their relationship with you, and you need to figure out your own values and what makes your life worthwhile, then prioritise that - noone else is able to do that for you.

You translating at a meeting in no way makes up for her being expected to leave her own home for almost half the year every year for 10 years.

You say she was fine with it but was she really? I very much doubt it but she’d probably become desensitised to it and now she’s experienced not having to do that she’s woken up. Who can blame her?

If the threat is this real then you need to do as you say and leave, get married and change names. It won’t be easy but neither of you chose your families. It’s not her fault her family are accepting and it’s not your fault your family are a potential threat to your safety. You need to accept the hand you’ve been dealt and make a decision