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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me squash a violent crush on someone I have to see a lot

147 replies

Winterswim · 24/03/2022 10:33

I know this has come up here before on here, but any crush-ending techniques/suggestions would be very welcome.

Mine is brand-new, violent and deeply inconvenient, as it's on someone I have to see regularly, as he is both professionally involved in a project happening at our house, and the father of one of my child's best friends, and they're young, so there's lots of lift-sharing to activities and dropping off, which at times involves me more than DH, as there are times he often works late or travels, while I WFH.

I have no idea where this came from. I'm happily married, and I've known him for a couple of years and not a flicker till bang, last weekend. I spent all day with him and our children and his ex-wife at an activity, and everything was normal. Then I woke up the next morning completely fixated. Now I can't get him out of my head.

I realise these things fade in time left to themselves, and the general advice is to just not see the crush object, but that's just not possible here we're locked into both a professional and lift-sharing/child-focused relationship. I've tried imagining him on the loo/nose-picking/ whatever. I feel utterly pathetic and ridiculous (and a bit puzzled he's the same man as he's been for the last two years, so why now? Does the hormonal fluctuation of perimenopause do this?)

No need to try to smack some sense into me, as I've been smacking myself for days. But if anyone has any ideas for quelling something which is fairly undignified and fucking inconvenient, please share.

OP posts:
Tamworth123 · 24/03/2022 10:54

I guess imagine how you'd feel if your husband felt this way about eg the Mum of you child's friend.

Original poster
Winterswim · 24/03/2022 11:08

@Tamworth123

I guess imagine how you'd feel if your husband felt this way about eg the Mum of you child's friend.
Oh, that has occurred to me. DH has a few good female friends who are gorgeous and accomplished, but I've never had the slightest sense that he was over-invested in any of them.

This is so fucking undignified.

(Thank you.)

OP posts:
Branleuse · 24/03/2022 11:09

Ignore it and it goes away eventually

Original poster
Winterswim · 24/03/2022 11:17

That's absolutely my philosophy, and I know it will, eventually. But this is mad -- I'm hardly eating. My clothes are noticeably looser. What the fuck is wrong with me???

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 24/03/2022 11:19

did you get any trigger (a look, a touch, etc.) from him that might have started this?

i think your happy marriage is lacking something.

BacklashBacklash · 24/03/2022 11:22

Did you get the impression he felt the same? Was he flirty or something?
Only asking because if he is encouraging you, it's going to be harder to get over.

Original poster
Winterswim · 24/03/2022 11:28

@bluebell34567

did you get any trigger (a look, a touch, etc.) from him that might have started this?

i think your happy marriage is lacking something.

Nothing I can think of. And I honestly can't blame my marriage. It's not perfect, and we've had lots of major life upheavals since just before the start of Covid, including moving countries and me needing several surgeries, so we've been in the trenches a bit, but we've dealt with worse, and we're fine.
OP posts:
MollyRover · 24/03/2022 11:29

@Winterswim

That's absolutely my philosophy, and I know it will, eventually. But this is mad -- I'm hardly eating. My clothes are noticeably looser. What the fuck is wrong with me???
You fancy him since the weekend and you've already lost weight?
Gliblet · 24/03/2022 11:29

It may well be less to do with the object of your crush and more to do with the 'you' that you see in your fantasies, if that makes sense? If 'fantasy you' is an object of desire having an exciting flirtation with someone, and 'actual' you is settled into a comfy relationship where it's less flirty and more 'who's doing the school run tonight and where are the kids' football socks?' then that's the bit you're getting hooked on, not him.

Original poster
Winterswim · 24/03/2022 11:31

@BacklashBacklash

Did you get the impression he felt the same? Was he flirty or something? Only asking because if he is encouraging you, it's going to be harder to get over.
Nothing. I get the occasional text from him about random stuff, but nothing at all untoward, and DH always sees them because my phone is linked to a shared iPad.
OP posts:
Original poster
Winterswim · 24/03/2022 11:32

Yes, @MollyRover. I get that this is tragic, but I'm wearing my jeans on a new belt hole. I have no appetite.

I think that is the most humiliating thing I've ever admitted.

OP posts:
beguilingeyes · 24/03/2022 11:38

If you manage to find a technique for this please share.

There's a man living in my head and I can't shift him.

contrelamontre · 24/03/2022 11:47

See it for what it is. The news is fucking awful. We were supposed to be coming out of two years of Covid and now look at the state of things. Most people I know are getting on with things but finding it hard to focus etc. You had a nice time with him at the weekend and you have perimenopausal hormone fluctuations... your brain has latched onto something nice and distracting and is absolutely running with it. You said yourself it has come out of absolutely nowhere and is based on nothing new. What would you do if this were manifesting as panic attacks or hot flushes? Get your hormones checked? Speak to a therapist?

justandfair · 24/03/2022 11:54

The thing is OP, there just might not be a cure for this. You will just have to find it for yourself. I suggest think about the mental capacity you are wasting which can be utilised for something meaningful. (Not helpful, I know)

CalmH2O · 24/03/2022 11:58

Any time I have had this happen, overtime I see things about them which turn me off (whether in personality or appearance). The crush only ever lasts maybe a month or two. Hopefully it’s the case for you too! Just ride it out Smile

Ambushedbycakeinmydreams · 24/03/2022 12:00

Be careful what you wish for!

The same thing happened to me over 10 years ago. All of a sudden I left my husband and moribund marriage to be with this wonderful man I developed a fixation on. We've never looked back or been happier :)

Comvit · 24/03/2022 12:01

Next time you do something 'intimate' and lovely with DP (I absolutely 100% don't mean sex - see below), ask yourself 'would sexy man do this?' or 'how long would it take to train sexy man to do this how me and DP do it?'

I ABSOLUTELY DON'T MEAN SEX.

I mean everyday intimate stuff like DP bringing you a cup of tea made just the way you like it. Or you and DP randomly breaking into a rendition of a song together. Or hiding and jumping out on your DP. Or you and DP both having the same opinion on a book.

AdamRyan · 24/03/2022 12:01

Maybe you have some underlying health thing? Overactive thyroid or something? Could be worth seeing GP

My approach would be to acknowledge the feelings but that you aren't acting on them. And look for flaws (spots, weird nose, annoying laugh whatever)
Spend more time with DH and try to figure out what's happening in your life that's made you vulnerable to this

DrPrepper · 24/03/2022 12:05

let it wash over you like an illness!

this was advice I was once given, and it helped

or find an actor or someone like that to project the crush on

good luck

Original poster
Winterswim · 24/03/2022 12:05

@justandfair

The thing is OP, there just might not be a cure for this. You will just have to find it for yourself. I suggest think about the mental capacity you are wasting which can be utilised for something meaningful. (Not helpful, I know)
Actually, you may have put your finger on something. I'm about to finish a big all-consuming project, which has taken up huge amounts of headspace for years, and even though it's not gone yet, I can feel myself thinking 'What's next?' So it may well be about having excess mental capacity all of a sudden.
OP posts:
Original poster
Winterswim · 24/03/2022 12:07

@Ambushedbycakeinmydreams

Be careful what you wish for!

The same thing happened to me over 10 years ago. All of a sudden I left my husband and moribund marriage to be with this wonderful man I developed a fixation on. We've never looked back or been happier :)

Not helpful, @Ambushedbycakeinmydreams! Grin

(But I'm very glad you're happy.)

OP posts:
Anyfeckinusername · 24/03/2022 12:07

It’s peri-menopause!!!!! I have been having crushes like I’m a hormone enraged teenager lately, not a 40-something year old woman.

It’s just a crush. Enjoy the extra beat to your pulse and the loose jeans. It’ll pass in time!

Original poster
Winterswim · 24/03/2022 12:15

@contrelamontre

See it for what it is. The news is fucking awful. We were supposed to be coming out of two years of Covid and now look at the state of things. Most people I know are getting on with things but finding it hard to focus etc. You had a nice time with him at the weekend and you have perimenopausal hormone fluctuations... your brain has latched onto something nice and distracting and is absolutely running with it. You said yourself it has come out of absolutely nowhere and is based on nothing new. What would you do if this were manifesting as panic attacks or hot flushes? Get your hormones checked? Speak to a therapist?
I just stopped therapy after doing it for months. Maybe something to think about again. And I will go to my GP and have my bloods checked. @AdamRyan. And @Comvit, you are absolutely right. DH is wonderful. We've been together a very long time, and have made a good life and a fabulous young child together. That is way more irreplaceable and important than my current mental maunderings.

It is possible that what has made me vulnerable to this is simply that life has been pretty challenging for the last few years, and recently things have felt like a bit of a trudge in general. And that, having moved countries to somewhere I knew no one, I've had to put myself out there to make new friends during lengthy lockdowns when it was hard to meet anyone at all. I'm still figuring the place out, because so much has been shut and unavailable most of the time. I feel a bit vulnerable.

OP posts:
SenoraMiasma · 24/03/2022 12:17

I think they do it for attention. I’ve thought this before. They do something that we pick up on subliminally and bing! the crush begins.

They do it for an ego boost, nothing else and when the woman responds feel they have a clear record as they didn’t instigate anything. But just as we know how to very subtly get someone’s attention, so do they.

Think of it this way, OP. He’s playing with you and not in a good way.

Snowisfallinghere · 24/03/2022 12:17

I'm guessing hormones too. When I think back to my teenage years, my crushes were off the scale. I had passionate crushes on all sorts of people, even guys I just walked past one time at a bus stop, who happened to have nice hair. It's ridiculous and completely irrational, and it was all hormones.