Help me squash a violent crush on someone I have to see a lot

[Winterswim]

I know this has come up here before on here, but any crush-ending techniques/suggestions would be very welcome.

Mine is brand-new, violent and deeply inconvenient, as it's on someone I have to see regularly, as he is both professionally involved in a project happening at our house, and the father of one of my child's best friends, and they're young, so there's lots of lift-sharing to activities and dropping off, which at times involves me more than DH, as there are times he often works late or travels, while I WFH.

I have no idea where this came from. I'm happily married, and I've known him for a couple of years and not a flicker till bang, last weekend. I spent all day with him and our children and his ex-wife at an activity, and everything was normal. Then I woke up the next morning completely fixated. Now I can't get him out of my head.

I realise these things fade in time left to themselves, and the general advice is to just not see the crush object, but that's just not possible here we're locked into both a professional and lift-sharing/child-focused relationship. I've tried imagining him on the loo/nose-picking/ whatever. I feel utterly pathetic and ridiculous (and a bit puzzled he's the same man as he's been for the last two years, so why now? Does the hormonal fluctuation of perimenopause do this?)

No need to try to smack some sense into me, as I've been smacking myself for days. But if anyone has any ideas for quelling something which is fairly undignified and fucking inconvenient, please share.

I've just come out the other side of a massive all-consuming and definitely reciprocated crush.

It has passed but I did really enjoy it tbh, perked up my days and nights too

Google limerence- this will be what you're experiencing.

I would say just roll with it until it fades. Although tricky for you seeing him so often. I feel for you OP, it's a difficult one to navigate!

@Loopytiles

It’s not about being sensible.

OP presumably loves her H and her DC. She can choose between treating them lovingly - or at least respectfully - or indulging the crush and spending time with OM.

See, I’m doing my best! I never make any effort to see him, I do what I can to avoid him — well, I have in the exactly eight days I’ve been cursed with this thing — and it’s often not me inviting him in, it’s DH. Whom I love and respect. He’s fabulous. I’m channelling as much as I can of my energy into our relationship. It has never occurred to me that my life lay anywhere other than with him, in the many, many years we’ve been together. (It still doesn’t.)

CO is around a lot for very established reasons — he and DH are also working on a project together, hence him giving us his advice/expertise for free. Not to mention that we’ve been active in promoting DS’s friendships since we moved countries, as you can imagine is necessary with an only child who’s had a lot of disruption as well as lockdowns — not just with CO’s son, obviously, but he’s geographically closest at weekends because of residency since his parents’ split, and while not an only child, his elder siblings are much older, so he’s much more likely to be free to do stuff at weekends.

These aren’t excuses, they’re just reasons it’s difficult to avoid all contact.

@contrelamontre, I hear you, but the truth is, I don’t want to hurt DH. I don’t think I need to. I know I’m not ever going to act on this crush. It doesn’t diminish my love for him, it doesn’t alter in any way my behaviour to him, it’s just a tiresome, temporary private thing that lives only in my brain.

@Loopytiles, I only saw your post of 22.39 — I don’t think there’s the remotest chance this stupid crush will ‘develop into something’. He has no feelings for me other than ordinary social liking. I’m not displaying any ‘symptoms’, and yes, he’s newly single, but he has a whole world of options. To be blunt, he’s conventionally good-looking, tall, fit, well-off, and nice — I’m extremely plain, and look as if I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. And frankly, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. I wouldn’t act on my feelings.

he’s conventionally good-looking, tall, fit, well-off, and nice

Is he @Winterswim?

Objectivly, do you think all women would see him like this ? If so, what’s his phone number🤣

@SenoraMiasma

he’s conventionally good-looking, tall, fit, well-off, and nice

Is he @Winterswim?

Objectivly, do you think all women would see him like this ? If so, what’s his phone number🤣

You are very welcome to him if you can get him out of my head.

No, I think all those things are objectively true. I have vague memories of him creating a flutter when picking up from parties when I didn't really know him and just thought 'Weird', he runs ultramarathons so he's very fit, and he just bought a beautiful old house for some mad amount of money. And yeah, he's nice. My mum likes him. He's adored by all my DS's friends because he takes them off building dens in the woods and making bonfires and stuff, and he's kind with small boys who throw up or decide they want to go home in the middle of the night on a sleepover.

Actually, he sounds kind of sickening in the abstract...

How's it going, OP?

@Winterswim... I hear you too and I get the fact that you think this is just temporary and tiresome and private etc.... but you've lost nearly half a stone in a week and you're posting on mumsnet about flutters and his wealth and he's fit and he's newly single and... (you think this hasn't changed anything about your behaviour, really?) You don't think you'll get the chance to act on your 'feelings' so you think it's safe and will just die down. That's actually even more dangerous - because if you do get the chance it's going to feel like winning the lottery. And there's actually no reason to think you won't get the chance.

He's an amazing father figure, a 'real man', adored by DS and all his friends, he's rich, he's handsome, he's fit, he's lovely, he's even managed to emerge from his divorce being some sort of angel - no, no, not for him the standard reasons for marriage breakdown, of course for him it was that he and his ex just simply and regretfully drifted apart as lovers but are great friends.... he does sound kind of sickening because it's an artificial, candyfloss creation of him in your head. Thinking about him taking a shit or picking his nose is not going to do the trick, because, hey, you pick your nose and shit and so does your DH and every other human being on this planet who doesn't also get to be rich, handsome, lovely, adored by all and, wow, LIKED BY YOUR MUM etc. etc.

You really need to give your head a huge wobble here. You have NO reason to feel embarrassed or guilty or anything like that for having this crush. That's not what I'm saying at all. You do need to make sure yu don't let it start running away in your head, though. You've been through so, so much in recent years. And it sounds like your DH is away a lot for work and has lots of social contact and stimulation, whilst you are lonely and that is really hard and makes you really vulnerable to this sort of thing. Does your DH know how lonely you are? How at sea you feel?

I remember when I first started looking at MN, there seemed to be a lot of recommendations for people to read the Shirley Glass book 'Not just friends' (I think). Or Ester Perel 'Mating in Captivity'. You could try downloading and reading one of those. You haven't done anything wrong. You're not behaving like a bad person. You are behaving differently though - something is not right with you. Start reading around the subject (i.e. there will be stuff that is not directly relatable for you) and start asking yourself some questions and reflecting on you and your life... don't get distracted by thinking this 'crush' is actually because he's actually 'sickeningly' wonderful.

I do get that I'm coming across as the gremlin of doom on this thread so I will back off - just suggesting you do some private reading and then reflection while you're going through your private, tiresome, inconvenient, consuming obsession... Wishing you all the very best

You’re not being a doom gremlin, @contrelamontre — you’ve been very generous and thoughtful in your comments throughout, and I appreciate them. I thought I would get far more of a kicking on here, and I wouldn’t have resented it in the least if I had.

You’re not wrong that not all is well with me at the moment — for various reasons that would be too outing to go into, but include health stuff, a big career disappointment, and the inevitable upheavals of moving countries and living out of a suitcase for a year (because we couldn’t move our belongings).

And yes, DH has a newish ‘big’ job which has been spectacularly stressful because of Covid’s impact on his industry, and he’s very much still on ‘probation’ and has to pull off all kinds of impossible on a daily basis. Which yes, does make me not want to add to the burden he’s carrying with a lot of grace and good humour, while being a good, hands-on father to DS, especially as I recognise the problems lie with me, not him. I did a lot of therapy in 2021, and am still processing discoveries about myself.

I know I’m vulnerable. I’m lonely, though I’m working on that. I’m also busy, tough, self-reliant and completely committed to my DH and son.

And Crush Object is absolutely not some kind of plaster saint. I wrote that in response to a poster suggesting I was upselling him. Those things I wrote are objectively true (well, insofar as you can say someone is ‘objectively good-looking’) — my point was only that if he wants to start having relationships, he’s a ‘good catch’ in the obvious ways. He doesn’t need to look to a preoccupied, messy-looking peri-menopausal woman with resting bitch face for female attention .

But he’s also an over-indulgent, worried father whose parental judgement isn’t necessarily the best, extremely anxious, a bit of a hypochondriac and quite highly-strung. I have a temper, and can recognise the signs in someone else. I have no idea what happened in his marriage. And my mother has appalling taste in men — I always feared that on jury duty she’d let off obvious serial killers because they ‘looked like nice boys ’.

I suppose I think this is a victimless situation — DH won’t ever know, and CO doesn’t and won’t. If he rocked up here right now and declared his adoration to someone sitting in a pile of used tissues with a nose like a strawberry, I wouldn’t consider betraying DH.

I’ve read the ‘Not Just Friends’ book and have seen an Esther Perel’s TED talk — maybe I’ll revisit. I actually just developed a nasty cold and if I feel like this at the weekend, I won’t be able to go to the event anyway. I saw my GP today and gave blood for tests to see if there’s something physical affecting my appetite.

Hope you're feeling better! I wonder if a lot of what you're feeling is down to loneliness, you've moved, your DH is often away for work and CO has been a nice friendly helpful person so it sort of make sense that you've put him on a bit of a pedestal. If you can find some hobbies and get out and meet some other adults to spend time with this might help.

Hope your blood tests have come back ok! Sending a hug as have been the lonely person in foreign countries and know how hard adapting can be.

Thank you, @HappyGoLuckyLuLu. No, no blood results yet. I’m also going to see my GP next week to see if my HRT needs tweaking. That’s me trying to rule out medical causes for whatever is going on with me.

You’re right about loneliness, but I’ve made a big effort to see people this week. In fact, it’s not an expat situation, its a return to somewhere I left in my teens, but to a different part and somewhere I knew no one —I’m generally good at making friends, but it’s not been the easiest time to do it. I think that’s one of the reasons I’m pissed off with the crush — he was becoming an unproblematic friend, and I haven’t so many of those that I can lose one without a pang.

The thing is, that coming here and writing long paragraphs of What He Is Like and What Makes Him Tick is just you indulging your crush and legitimising doing so by having others comment on it. It is the opposite of actually trying to end the crush.

It is a bit like fire. If you give it oxygen it will keep flaring up. You need to stop giving it oxygen and smother it instead.

@Haffiana

The thing is, that coming here and writing long paragraphs of What He Is Like and What Makes Him Tick is just you indulging your crush and legitimising doing so by having others comment on it. It is the opposite of actually trying to end the crush.

It is a bit like fire. If you give it oxygen it will keep flaring up. You need to stop giving it oxygen and smother it instead.

This is just a venting place, though. In my real life, which is chock full of busy, stressful stuff at the moment, it’s not getting any airplay. He suggested coming over tonight to discuss a minor emergency that is holding up work on the house, but I’ve said I can’t make it, and that as DH is away, he should just meet with our builder.

And the stuff about him was chiefly in response to some posters suggesting he was deliberately playing me, which I just don’t think is true.

There's no quick fix here. It's difficult, I get that.

No, there isn’t. I had to attend the meeting with him in the end, because some decisions needed to be made by us, and god, he’s just so nice.

Set the alarm on your phone for 10 minutes from now. Close your eyes and for 10 minutes straight do nothing but visualise him on the toilet with the shits - im talking record breaking shits - he is pale, he is straining, the veins in his head are swelling, he's panting, he's slipping on the toilet seat he's so sweaty. One burst of watery crap follows another. He's burping too.. for some reason. Then when all is said and done he gets up and without washing his hands pops a huge zit on his face.

The End.

I genuinely tried, @custardsponge, right down to the colour of the bathroom tiles.

Sorry OP, but I agree with @Haffiana.

Don't let the thread be a reason to indulge your feelings.Providing blow-by-blow updates is giving your crush headspace, when you should find a distraction from it.

It's obviously filling a void in your life, find the hole and fill it with something good.

I had to attend the meeting with him in the end

What a surprise....

Start a new thread if you want support about your very real feelings of loneliness and dealing with all the shit you've gone through in the last few years. But if you're serious about what you've said with regard to the value you have for your marriage and family unit, then don't ever talk about him again and stop pretending you can't avoid having contact with him. You can, and if it was someone you didn't like you would put the effort in to avoid spending any uncessary time in that person's presence. Don't say you have to because your of DS. That's crap and no one's buying it.

@contrelamontre

I had to attend the meeting with him in the end

What a surprise....

Start a new thread if you want support about your very real feelings of loneliness and dealing with all the shit you've gone through in the last few years. But if you're serious about what you've said with regard to the value you have for your marriage and family unit, then don't ever talk about him again and stop pretending you can't avoid having contact with him. You can, and if it was someone you didn't like you would put the effort in to avoid spending any uncessary time in that person's presence. Don't say you have to because your of DS. That's crap and no one's buying it.

That’s not fair, @contrelamontre — this was nothing to do with DS. It was an emergency meeting to resolve an issue that had stopped all building work on the house for a week. Some decisions had to be made by me as DH couldn’t even dial in. And if you can think of a plausible reason for ‘firing’ a professional who is working for free, you’re better at thinking on your feet than I am.

I’m not actually going to the event. I’ve said I feel too unwell. It’s created a whole mess of accompanying DS while supervising other kids for other people to sort out, but I won’t be there.

Thanks to everyone, the kind and the bracing comments alike. You may rest assured that nothing will happen to harm the happiness of DH and DS.

Winterswim read up about Limerance. It can start with a bang out of no where- like a bolt it just lands in your head. I've been through it and coincidence or not when my hrt levels are balanced I'm not so crazy with the fantasies and can get on with normal life. As I know it's limerance and not real feelings it helps me understand and cope better and know not to do anything to jepodise my family. I still have to see them but it's not all consuming and I'm happy with friendship.
There's a book on limerence - I read that and some articles. Limerance felt different from crushes. I'm no expert but think they can be hormonally but also if something else is missing so you latch on to a fantasy of what if.....

@Winterswim I'm so glad you decided to start this thread. I too am in nearly exactly the same situation. My crush is a close work colleague tho but I am peri-menopausal: tick! Long term marriage: tick! Feeling all at sea & a bit lonely: tick!

I completely see my crush as what he is. I'm under no illusions that he is perfect because he really isn't. He can be an absolute pain in the arse but I can't switch off my feelings and it's really difficult. Namely, as I can't distance myself from him (well, unless I quit my job but that's def not happening. Not for a bloody man anyway).

It's been nearly a year now and shows no signs of abating. I also know it's mutual but we're both married with DC so I can't even entertain anything happening in RL. He appears in my fantasies regularly tho.

I've tried to plough my energy into my DH instead - he's delighted by all the passionate sex we're having lately.

I'm very interested to see how others have got past this and that it could just be chemical. That's v helpful.