Help me squash a violent crush on someone I have to see a lot

[Winterswim]

I know this has come up here before on here, but any crush-ending techniques/suggestions would be very welcome.

Mine is brand-new, violent and deeply inconvenient, as it's on someone I have to see regularly, as he is both professionally involved in a project happening at our house, and the father of one of my child's best friends, and they're young, so there's lots of lift-sharing to activities and dropping off, which at times involves me more than DH, as there are times he often works late or travels, while I WFH.

I have no idea where this came from. I'm happily married, and I've known him for a couple of years and not a flicker till bang, last weekend. I spent all day with him and our children and his ex-wife at an activity, and everything was normal. Then I woke up the next morning completely fixated. Now I can't get him out of my head.

I realise these things fade in time left to themselves, and the general advice is to just not see the crush object, but that's just not possible here we're locked into both a professional and lift-sharing/child-focused relationship. I've tried imagining him on the loo/nose-picking/ whatever. I feel utterly pathetic and ridiculous (and a bit puzzled he's the same man as he's been for the last two years, so why now? Does the hormonal fluctuation of perimenopause do this?)

No need to try to smack some sense into me, as I've been smacking myself for days. But if anyone has any ideas for quelling something which is fairly undignified and fucking inconvenient, please share.

Find a way to get a good look at his feet. That will put you off.

@Phormiumjester

Find a way to get a good look at his feet. That will put you off.

I've seen them, swimming last summer - they were fine. Not a revolting yellow toenail or hoof-like calloused heel in sight. Alas, clearly.

OP I have been living with this for almost 6 months, I keep waiting patiently for it to sod off!! On the plus side I have lost a stone and have been told by my close friends that I look amazing as have a glint in my eye and look alive!!!

I'm trying harder to cut contact thinking he would fade from my mind but sadly not. I think about him first thing in the morning and last thing at night (and every hour in between).

However my situation differs as I am not in a good place with DH. I know exactly what is lacking and unfortunately my mind and hormones have placed this guy on a pedestal ☹️.

I had this what worked for me was spending a ridiculous amount of effort on making an effort for my DH. Took a while but worked. Now I feel slight repulsion when I see the guy (unfairly really!)

@Winterswim - I can relate. I have an awful attraction to a friend of mine and DH’s. He is also married and I’m good friends with his wife, which obviously makes me feel terrible too.

I’m not out of the woods with the situation yet, but it might help to share my experience as something of a cautionary tale! I had all the same things going on - peri menopausal hormones etc etc. At first the ‘situation’ felt quite fun and sparky - I don’t think it’s a crime to find other people attractive, and I enjoyed feeling privately a bit giddy over him and would have an extra spring in my step if we were meeting up with him etc. Like you, I have a very happy marriage with DH, been together a long time. However, over time, as our friendship has grown with this other couple, so have my feelings, and it’s also been made clear to me the attraction is mutual from his side. Dangerous I know. Nothing major has ‘happened’ as such, but some lines have been crossed. I don’t feel proud of myself and now, while we still enjoy each other’s company and seeing each other socially, it’s a bit uncomfortable and sort of embarrassing.

Ultimately, I wish I’d done more to quash this in the beginning, as it’s been going on for a couple of years now and taken up far too much headspace for me and made me feel bad about myself. Look up ‘limerence’ - I found it helpful to at least understand what might be happening to my brain from a scientific perspective.

Always delightful to meet a fellow Lodgian in the wild 😊 Under no circumstances ask yourself 'what would Morris Zapp do?' unless you plan to do the exact opposite BUT you asked so...

OK I was in hormone meltdown for about a year. With peaks and troughs. I lost weight and started dressing completely differently, in the classic mid life mould. Luckily I didn't make an actual arse of myself although if the opportunity had presented itself, well it doesn't bear thinking about.

I made no effort to get over it because it was a massive thrill and everyone told me I looked amazing but it tapered off by itself. I think my hormones settled down, plus knowing him better as an actual person helped me to realise how nonsensical my feelings were.

Looking back, I think he used me a bit for ego boosting messaging because he was feeling insecure in his own relationship. I still get the odd silly grin when he messages but mostly he's just a person to me like any other. The human body can only be in heightened state for so long, it isn't sustainable.

@MorrisZapp

The human body can only be in heightened state for so long, it isn't sustainable.

Mine is doing a good job of it. 🙂

[quote SenoraMiasma]@MorrisZapp

The human body can only be in heightened state for so long, it isn't sustainable.

Mine is doing a good job of it. 🙂[/quote]
Mine is too, and it's just getting worse 🤦🏼‍♀️!!

@donesomethingterrible So what are you going to do about it? You are in a bad place with your husband so you spend every waking hour obsessing over another man, and "it's just getting worse". Good for you that you've lost weight if that's what you wanted (I dont know if you were overweight before) but what a waste, passively evading the misery of your marriage by being permanently fixated on a fantasy for months on end...

Imagine him on the toilet with his lederhosen around his ankles, hocking up a lugey.

Or Morris dancing!

Focus only and entirely on his eyebrows the next time you see him. There's only so long you can look eyebrows before they start looking weird and then the whole face does.
A bit like when you repeat a word and it loses all meaning.

Thank you all. I’m going to be seeing him in the next hour or so, and am flicking through all your advice, which probably means I will be fixating on his eyebrows one minute, then imagining him in lederhosen on the loo, then going with the ‘just let it wash over you’ and ‘enjoy it’ while not making a fool of yourself approach.

You have to imagine he is manipulating your emotions - that way you won’t fall for it 🙂

[quote contrelamontre]@donesomethingterrible So what are you going to do about it? You are in a bad place with your husband so you spend every waking hour obsessing over another man, and "it's just getting worse". Good for you that you've lost weight if that's what you wanted (I dont know if you were overweight before) but what a waste, passively evading the misery of your marriage by being permanently fixated on a fantasy for months on end...[/quote]
@contrelamontre I honestly don't know at the moment! There are reasons I can't leave although I had everything in place to do so a couple of months back. It is a sad state of affairs and I can see this play out for the foreseeable, I know the obsession is a distraction (a welcome one at times)

I was an expat and the same thing happened to me. I think expat friendship can be intense.

In the end it just stopped. I started to notice things about him I didn't like. For example the guy was giving us some free professional advice, he is a multimillionaire and one one ocassion he insisted we went to a specific restaurant for lunch and didn't offer to pay for anything so I started to think oh perhaps he isn't as generous and good natured as I thought.

A couple of days later he was returning something he borrowed from DH and DH wasn't going to be in. I didn't know how to play it and got myself in a state over it all though I tried not to show it. Turned out I need not have worried. He didn't hang around and the friendship fizzled out before it was ever spoken about.

Just saying OP, maybe just suppress it for now. I don't think it will last forever.

@donesomethingterrible ok, well good luck. Every waking hour obsessing over this man means for sure you are giving less attention not only to your own fullfillment and wellbeing but also your kids, friends, career... it's such a waste of time and energy that you will never get back.

I know readers of this thread think I've been OTT in not saying "you go girl, crush away and enjoy" and instead saying get some counselling and deal with the real underlying issues, but it's because I've seen how destructive this is. It goes on for a long time. It affects people around you in ways you don't realise. And maybe your husband is an arsehole, I don't know... is he aware that you spend all your waking hours thinking about another man. If not, doesn't he deserve to know this?

Picture him sitting on the loo, trousers round his ankles, with a poo hanging out of his bum, scrolling through his phone.

Works every time for me.

[quote contrelamontre]@donesomethingterrible ok, well good luck. Every waking hour obsessing over this man means for sure you are giving less attention not only to your own fullfillment and wellbeing but also your kids, friends, career... it's such a waste of time and energy that you will never get back.

I know readers of this thread think I've been OTT in not saying "you go girl, crush away and enjoy" and instead saying get some counselling and deal with the real underlying issues, but it's because I've seen how destructive this is. It goes on for a long time. It affects people around you in ways you don't realise. And maybe your husband is an arsehole, I don't know... is he aware that you spend all your waking hours thinking about another man. If not, doesn't he deserve to know this?[/quote]
Yes 💯 this is really so destructive. So much time and energy wasted that could have been spent well and people who are our family do get very affected by this! 😔

Crap, anyway. I did everything right DH was there the whole time, I excused myself to go to the loo and make coffee for a long time in the middle, and when my presence wasn’t absolutely necessary for decision-making I wandered off to deal with DS. I looked at his damn eyebrows, imagined him on the loo, debated as to his least attractive features etc. Outdoors, so no pheromones. I barely looked at him, I talked to DH the entire time.

I might as well have gone with the ‘you go girl, crush all you like’ approach.

It's difficult as things are fine with your husband.

I have had a crush since August last year. I'd known the man for years but something just changed, I saw him in a new light and environment and that was it. I'd been having problems with my husband, and we're recently separated so I think that played a big part.

I think it would be reciprocated if he knew (he's in a relationship still) but I countered it by avoiding him as much as possible, but it was all consuming. I think it's less intense now as I can go whole days without thinking about him. I kept busy and sociable with other people, which shifted the focus a bit.

@SenoraMiasma, I did try, but it’s quite hard to maintain the pretence about someone who so obviously isn’t manipulating my emotions, because he has no idea they’re there. He came over today to do us a favour. He was nice. He behaved no differently to me than to my DH. Grr.

@MorrisZapp, I just picked up my copy of Changing Places, and Morris Zapp is several years younger then I am, which is making me feel about 200, rather than the addled teenager I seem to have become. And yes, ‘What would Morris Zapp do?’’ not at all at all a good guide here.

A year, though? God. I’m already visibly thinner after a week.

@Winterswim

Are you sure nothing is coming from him?

I like your writing style op, could you turn this into a short story please cos I'd liketo read it to the end?
P. S a crush I had was quashed when he started going thin on top, I've never been attracted to bald. Is there a style you dislike you could advise him would look great on him? Perhaps he'd really suit paisley waistcoats and a bowtie? 🤣

I see zero, @SenoraMiasma. I think he likes me and likes talking to me — his DS and mine have a joke that if he’s picking up from a play date at my house, they push the two of us into a room and shout ‘Have coffee’!’ so they can get more playing time — but that’s been going on for months with nothing but friendliness on my side.