Help me squash a violent crush on someone I have to see a lot

[Winterswim]

I know this has come up here before on here, but any crush-ending techniques/suggestions would be very welcome.

Mine is brand-new, violent and deeply inconvenient, as it's on someone I have to see regularly, as he is both professionally involved in a project happening at our house, and the father of one of my child's best friends, and they're young, so there's lots of lift-sharing to activities and dropping off, which at times involves me more than DH, as there are times he often works late or travels, while I WFH.

I have no idea where this came from. I'm happily married, and I've known him for a couple of years and not a flicker till bang, last weekend. I spent all day with him and our children and his ex-wife at an activity, and everything was normal. Then I woke up the next morning completely fixated. Now I can't get him out of my head.

I realise these things fade in time left to themselves, and the general advice is to just not see the crush object, but that's just not possible here we're locked into both a professional and lift-sharing/child-focused relationship. I've tried imagining him on the loo/nose-picking/ whatever. I feel utterly pathetic and ridiculous (and a bit puzzled he's the same man as he's been for the last two years, so why now? Does the hormonal fluctuation of perimenopause do this?)

No need to try to smack some sense into me, as I've been smacking myself for days. But if anyone has any ideas for quelling something which is fairly undignified and fucking inconvenient, please share.

Really focus on and exaggerate his flaws. Teach your brain to associate him with his loud, annoying, frankly attention-seeking sneezing, is he doing it on purpose? How childish and gross. Imagine how insufferable he'd be with a cold, he'd have the worst case of man flu in history. Honestly OP, I don't know what you see in him

Imagine him picking his nose for a very long time and being disgusted by it. Then imagine him having bad breath.

Alternatively think of him whilst having aex with your husband and spice up your sex life. He will never know and its only a fantasy, we all have them. Only joking.... kind of 😁

@beguilingeyes

If you manage to find a technique for this please share.

There's a man living in my head and I can't shift him.

I've had various nighttime affairs. All in my imagination of course . I must say I'm not good at long term relationships. Plus there was that celebrity too. Ahhh sweet dreams, but yes very tricky if you see them lots.

My friends advice on these things is it's all fine to lust but as long as you only "go home and f@ck your wife" so just apply this to your husband. Maybe a bit of fantasy can perk up the sex life with your and DH?

OP you are being very hard on yourself.
Its not a criminal offence to have a crush on someone, it doesn' t mean your relationship is lacking. Crushes come and then they go, you dont have to act on them, just acknowledge you feel chemistry towards this friend, something has triggered those feelings, feelings are mostly temporary especially intensive ones such as these.
l have had many a harmless crush, it can make you feel more alive, all part and parcel of the human experiance, just remember though the pendulem of lust swings both ways, the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Easiest thing to do is accept you have a crush, but that you already have everything you want and need.

@SenoraMiasma

I think they do it for attention. I’ve thought this before. They do something that we pick up on subliminally and bing! the crush begins.

They do it for an ego boost, nothing else and when the woman responds feel they have a clear record as they didn’t instigate anything. But just as we know how to very subtly get someone’s attention, so do they.

Think of it this way, OP. He’s playing with you and not in a good way.

i think there is some truth in this.

I had the same happening to me op in my late 30s. And I hardly knew the person, and they weren’t great either. It’s a horrible feeling but despite them still showing up in my mind daily I’ve managed to detach myself by cutting contact. When I saw it happening again with a different person I just limited the contact and it worked. But not all crushes are the same though. On some you crush harder then on others. I still don’t understand how it happened overnight. But I don’t care anymore. Good luck!

I don’t think he is playing with me, @SenoraMiasma and @bluebell34567. He’s never been anything but genuinely kind.

I had to go back through old text messages to find a postcode a few weeks ago, and what struck me then (pre-crush) was how many of his messages over the past couple of years were offering lifts when DH was away or help of some kind (and I didn’t even acknowledge them half the time). More recently he’s gone out of his way to give us time and professional expertise that would cost tens of thousands, if paid for.

He’s a nice man. Which of course doesn’t help.

I actually ran into him tonight by accident — as if it didn’t need any more complications, he lives nearby, and is in fact about to move even closer as he and his ex are selling their former marital home — but I pretended to be in a hurry and got away. Baby steps.

And now for something completely different - a bit of reverse psychology.

Accept you can’t squash it. Just accept that’s how you feel about him. Revel in it. Daydream all day about him. Frig yourself stupid thinking about him. Think in detail about Every. Single. Thing you crave about him. Then think about it some more. Grant him as much headspace as he can possibly have. (Only headspace though).

Eventually you’ll get sick of it and go off him

Saturation Therapy.

@Winterswim

Hmmm. I sense something. Is he single then?

@DatingDinosaur, that cracked me up.

@SenoraMiasma, yes. Awkwardly, I’m very fond of his ex-wife, who is lovely. As I understand it, they’d decided to separate some time ago at her instigation, but Covid kept them living under the same roof until last year. No one else involved on either side.

Yes, I think he might be emotionally a bit at sea and perhaps he is instigating this.

He might be reassuring himself he is still attractive to women

He might be emotionally looking to attach to someone now his wife has gone and only knows how to connect through a woman

He might be drowning and just clinging on to any affection and feels as you are married and friends, are safe and that you are not picking up on anything.

But I really believe that at times we think we are in charge of these things but some men plant the seed (metaphorically).

He may well have changed the emotional tone of your relationship and you are picking up on his now available feelings.

Food for thought🙂

But I really believe that at times we think we are in charge of these things but some men plant the seed (metaphorically).

agree.

I like @SenoraMiasma 's theory

Also I see a pattern here OP from your comments

-He was very kind always so somewhere far away in your mind you liked him already

-You have been so busy and worn out in real life issues and were thinking nothing of romance

• Your DH has become aloof and unavailable even if it's because of a simple reason

Sounds just the combination to cause these unwanted bursts of affection for some random person. Nevertheless do stay away from him!

I had one of these when I was younger (was in a relationship, not married). It helped me to remind myself that although he was flirting, he probably didn't feel the same way - any reciprocal flirting was just him wanting a shag.

@justandfair

I like *@SenoraMiasma* 's theory

Also I see a pattern here OP from your comments

-He was very kind always so somewhere far away in your mind you liked him already

-You have been so busy and worn out in real life issues and were thinking nothing of romance

• Your DH has become aloof and unavailable even if it's because of a simple reason

Sounds just the combination to cause these unwanted bursts of affection for some random person. Nevertheless do stay away from him!

I think it’s perfectly possible he’s feeling vulnerable. It would be stranger if he weren’t, really. I know he’s heartbroken that he sees less of his children, and I can’t imagine selling your marital home is without emotional complications.

But I genuinely don’t think he’s done anything to trigger this, or that he’s flexing his muscles to prove to himself he’s still attractive to women. (And I think that if he were, he’d have numerous other better candidates — in case anyone is imagining otherwise, I’m extremely plain, and he works in an industry with a high proportion of ultra-glamorous women. I’ve been to his office for a meeting, and spent the whole time admiring the women’s shoes. Also, he is conventionally good-looking, and not at all my ‘type’, which has always leaned towards the quirky. He’d have no lack of candidates if he wanted to see if he’s still got it.)

I also don’t think he’s the ‘wife gone, must latch onto other woman’ type — he has three sisters he’s close to.

Much though I’d like to think I’m being practiced on, because it would remove the responsibility from me, I think it’s all me.

Crush away! And enjoy every moment of feeling alive. You'll miss it when it's over.

Exact same thing happened to me two years ago, the guy was happily married and much younger than me so of course nothing happened but I finally lost the two stone and completely transformed my hair, wardrobe and even my teeth 😁

It was mostly fun but occasionally deeply unsettling. I put it down to a hormonal last hurrah too, I work with the guy and he does nowt for me now, in fact he's quite irritating. You will get there, but use the energy, it could change your life.

Enjoy!

I do think there may be a hormonal element here, see if it's as strong at different points in your cycle.

I've had this at different points, I'd never act on it and sometimes it's been intrusive. But as I've got more menopausal it's lessened so there's probably a sense of your body wanting you to have sex before it's too late 😂🤦

@MorrisZapp

Crush away! And enjoy every moment of feeling alive. You'll miss it when it's over.

Exact same thing happened to me two years ago, the guy was happily married and much younger than me so of course nothing happened but I finally lost the two stone and completely transformed my hair, wardrobe and even my teeth 😁

It was mostly fun but occasionally deeply unsettling. I put it down to a hormonal last hurrah too, I work with the guy and he does nowt for me now, in fact he's quite irritating. You will get there, but use the energy, it could change your life.

Enjoy!

(Before I say anything else, as a fellow David Lodge fan, can I say how very amusing it is to get crush advice from Morris Zapp. )

Can I ask how long your crush continued, that you had time during it to make such drastic changes to your appearance?

It's funny, I realise I'm being made much more uneasy by the posters who say 'Enjoy it! Crush with all your might!' than the ones who say 'Give your head a wobble and focus on your marriage.'

But yes, there's definitely a lot of energy wafting around...

Could you imaging him down the pub laughing with his mates about the middle aged woman who keeps making a fool of herself? It's what I've done before to deal with crushes. It makes me angry and so I become more aloof and can deal with them better.

@Plinkplonk1234

Could you imaging him down the pub laughing with his mates about the middle aged woman who keeps making a fool of herself? It's what I've done before to deal with crushes. It makes me angry and so I become more aloof and can deal with them better.

Oh, that's cruel, but you're right, entirely effective.

Except that I've done literally nothing that could in any way be interpreted as 'making a fool of myself', other than inside my own head where admittedly the foolishness is pretty major.

I've only in fact seen him once, by accident, on the street, since this thing announced itself. I haven't been walking past his house and gazing at it or anything.

@FrankGrillosFloof

Would it help to think of it as purely chemical? You spent some time with this guy, got a good sniff of his pheromones and it’s kicked off a craving in you.

Like when they’re pumping out the bakery smells in the supermarket and all you can think about for the next hour is a nice tiger loaf.

Just ride it out, it’ll pass - it’s just chemicals going a bit haywire.

Now all I can think of is a nice tiger loaf…

Anyway OP.
Yes hormonal. Also the shifts of peri meno are emotional too, maybe you are longing for some carefree passion.
Frame it as an entertaining feeling with no possibility of fulfilment, just as you might have a crush on Aiden Turner etc.

@MorrisZapp

Crush away! And enjoy every moment of feeling alive. You'll miss it when it's over.

Exact same thing happened to me two years ago, the guy was happily married and much younger than me so of course nothing happened but I finally lost the two stone and completely transformed my hair, wardrobe and even my teeth 😁

It was mostly fun but occasionally deeply unsettling. I put it down to a hormonal last hurrah too, I work with the guy and he does nowt for me now, in fact he's quite irritating. You will get there, but use the energy, it could change your life.

Enjoy!

And I totally agree with this.

I've had crushes before when in and not in relationships and when much younger.

I do think if you have the headspace there for it then you will naturally think about and obsess about the person. If they're not there, you don't see them, then it fades. I'd say ride it out.

I really fancy tiger bread now!

OP you have had some good advice on here. It is understandable you feel this way.

I am quite envious of you losing weight so quickly and so many menopausal women with their crushes. I am menopausal and on HRT but sex is the last thing on my mind. I am just focused on getting through the day most of the time