Help me squash a violent crush on someone I have to see a lot

[Winterswim]

I know this has come up here before on here, but any crush-ending techniques/suggestions would be very welcome.

Mine is brand-new, violent and deeply inconvenient, as it's on someone I have to see regularly, as he is both professionally involved in a project happening at our house, and the father of one of my child's best friends, and they're young, so there's lots of lift-sharing to activities and dropping off, which at times involves me more than DH, as there are times he often works late or travels, while I WFH.

I have no idea where this came from. I'm happily married, and I've known him for a couple of years and not a flicker till bang, last weekend. I spent all day with him and our children and his ex-wife at an activity, and everything was normal. Then I woke up the next morning completely fixated. Now I can't get him out of my head.

I realise these things fade in time left to themselves, and the general advice is to just not see the crush object, but that's just not possible here we're locked into both a professional and lift-sharing/child-focused relationship. I've tried imagining him on the loo/nose-picking/ whatever. I feel utterly pathetic and ridiculous (and a bit puzzled he's the same man as he's been for the last two years, so why now? Does the hormonal fluctuation of perimenopause do this?)

No need to try to smack some sense into me, as I've been smacking myself for days. But if anyone has any ideas for quelling something which is fairly undignified and fucking inconvenient, please share.

Sorry, have just seen your last post.

Ah well, i’ve run out of ideas as I am desperately fighting a very long and consuming crush on a very shy man and it’s driving me bonkers. And we are both single🤣

@SenoraMiasma

Sorry, have just seen your last post.

Ah well, i’ve run out of ideas as I am desperately fighting a very long and consuming crush on a very shy man and it’s driving me bonkers. And we are both single🤣

And do you sense it’s mutual at all? That’s quite different, I think — in my case he’s single, but I’m not, and any wild sex/living happily ever after would remain purely theoretical, but yours could be the start of something.

I will ponder the ‘bad clothes’ recommendation…

Been there done that. And highly recommend @MorrisZapp's approach. I had a series of ridiculous crushes. Some of them I didn't even fancy if that can be believed. 100% linked to perimenopause. Did wonders in shedding excess weight, rethinking my life and generally working through things. Roll with it. Don't do anything silly of course but use it.

Well it could very well be peri menopause but I don’t know if I’ve blown it or not. He’s very shy, took along time to get out of his shell, and then I think there was a opportunity where something could have happened and I got embarrassed thinking I’d been too obvious or something (I honestly don’t know what I was thinking). But once that crush sets in your head it is hard to shift and I cannot shift it probably because we are both single. I walk past his flat and keep wanting to knock and say hi and then chicken out. My head is exploding too🙂

You should do it, @SenoraMiasma. You’re both single, and you really like him — his shyness may be concealing a reciprocal feeling. What do you have to lose, really? Not that rejection, or the potential for it, is ever exactly fun, but it’s better than not acting and wondering ‘what if?’

My situation is different. My only concern, and why I posted here, is how to suppress/ride out the feelings (or whether to take the @MorrisZapp approach to enjoy it and channel it into fitness and looking amazing.) It’s weird, I have other male friends for whom I have entirely uncomplicatedly warm platonic feelings, and I have — as virtually anyone in a longterm relationship will — met one or two other men with whom I would have considered pursuing a relationship had I been single, and it’s never been anything emotionally complex or saddening, even though in one case it was obviously mutual.

I keep thinking about just popping round. I have no idea what I want other than to see him. I lived in a different country for a year and still thought about him🤪

Yep, quite the crush😫

Dear God! What are you waiting for, life's too short! Grab the bull by the horns, it'll be a fun to find out if its reciprocated. If its not the crush can fizzle.. Win win either way.
It'd be an awesome 'how you met story'

Go for it, @SenoraMiasma. Do it for all of us who can’t and won’t act on our crushes, despite them driving us mildly mad. I weighed myself today. I’m six pounds lighter since last weekend. Six pounds.

( I’m making a GP appointment.)

Haha!

@Winterswim
Now if my crush was making me lighter I wouldn’t mind so much 🤣🤣

@TopCatsTopHat

No. I am a coward and have resigned myself to a life alone. 😫

@Winterswim I tried various forms of distraction, including becoming a volunteer with the National Trust and working in a charity shop. None of them was successful. Had I been really determined to beat it - and if you are determined, this would be my advice - I think the most useful thing I could have done with all the energy was write several books, transform the house, and run a marathon, while wearing my size new 4 clothes. However, I did none of these things.

@SenoraMiasma

I keep thinking about just popping round. I have no idea what I want other than to see him. I lived in a different country for a year and still thought about him🤪

Yep, quite the crush😫

Just ask him out ! I called my DH and asked him.

@SenoraMiasma

Haha!

@Winterswim
Now if my crush was making me lighter I wouldn’t mind so much 🤣🤣

@TopCatsTopHat

No. I am a coward and have resigned myself to a life alone. 😫

Nooooo, you'll be tortured with what if 's for eternity!!! Just start a chat. Pleeaaasse. If he gets the impression you like him, that's nice you've paid him a lovely compliment. If he goes for a coffee with you you have a nice coffee and maybe that's it and maybe more but surely it's worth finding the courage for, the possible prize is so worth it. Don't be brave and think too far ahead just take one step.

Well now you are going to get me thinking!!!! @Tophats and @SirVixofVixHall

Apologies for hijacking your thread, OP.

Perhaps if I act on my crush and it goes horribly wrong you can some how vicariously purge your own?!!!

I don’t know, guys, I just don’t know. Stomach goes in knots, my mind goes blank and I turn into a fool. He is a super nerdy, very intelligent man and I suspect he already knows all my thoughts🤣

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Write a novel... put everything in there. Well done if it's a romance (for all that is holy change the names). Bonus points if it's a murder mystery

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Just an idea (sorry)

I've had this. I secretly had it for years with someone (and by "secretly" I mean he never knew, or at least never had any clues given to him by me).

Honestly, for me, it was about him representing some things that were missing from my first marriage.

But what if you are happy and not missing anything (ahem) and still have the crush?

I’m trying to concentrate on a job application and yet my mind is wandering so badly🙂

@SenoraMiasma

Well now you are going to get me thinking!!!! *@Tophats and @SirVixofVixHall*

Apologies for hijacking your thread, OP.

Perhaps if I act on my crush and it goes horribly wrong you can some how vicariously purge your own?!!!

I don’t know, guys, I just don’t know. Stomach goes in knots, my mind goes blank and I turn into a fool. He is a super nerdy, very intelligent man and I suspect he already knows all my thoughts🤣

Hijack away, @SenoraMiasma. And I don’t want yours to go wrong. I’d like it to end in joyous union and happiness.

@doingmydoodie, I wrote a reply to you earlier, but it seems to have evaporated — I’ve just signed up for volunteer training for a charity, I’m working on my fitness with the aim of getting back to serious running, we’re in the middle of renovating a Victorian wreck (which Crush Object is professionally involved in, hence the regular visits), and I write for a living (hence rather solitary, though I do also teach at times.) So there’s no lack of activity! Unfortunately, I seem to be able to obsess while also being busy.

And I’m going to see him at least twice next weekend, and one of those times is him giving me and DS a lift a long distance to an event I need to attend because of DS — it’s a huge deal for him, and needs a parent to be there. The lift was offered by Crush Object (DH can’t take us because he’s away for work, though will join us there, and CO’s son is also going), and it’s curiously difficult to say ‘Nah, you’re fine, we’ll take two trains with our bags, we’d rather.’ So there’s at least a couple of hours in a car with him, albeit accompanied by a back seat of noisy ten year olds. Groan.

When will his project at your house be finished? Hopefully not long!

Stop the coffees etc when your DSs play together. Just be busy/preoccupied.

You can’t do anything about the upcoming lift share, but try to avoid similar in fiture.

Also, if your DH is heading from work to the event to support DS do you really need to go too? Couldn’t the man you have a crush on take DS there alone?

@Winterswim Nodding along with distraction attempts being in vain. I was perfectly able to daydream about Crush Object while directing people to the loo and cafe.

I think your only hope, really, is to use MN as a form of therapy - if you write it all here, that might be what it takes to get it out of your system.

@Loopytiles

When will his project at your house be finished? Hopefully not long!

Stop the coffees etc when your DSs play together. Just be busy/preoccupied.

You can’t do anything about the upcoming lift share, but try to avoid similar in fiture.

The problem with all of these suggestions, @Loopytiles, is that they are very sensible and are, actually, the right thing to do. However, they don't give you quite the same reason to get up and look sparkly, and leave life feeling quite colourless. Therein lies the rub. It's either have as little contact as possible with the Crush Object (which is sensible and has the aforementioned side-effects) or carry on (which is not sensible, and has the potential to chuck a hand grenade into a marriage, because the chances are that it will develop into something, given that the Crush Object is single). That's the choice, really, as crushes rarely just disappear.

@Loopytiles

Also, if your DH is heading from work to the event to support DS do you really need to go too? Couldn’t the man you have a crush on take DS there alone?

Unfortunately it’s also a work event for DH , and there needs to be a parent attached to DS throughout — I hadn’t planned to go until we both realised he couldn’t do both, which was only a couple of days ago. DH has to be at the venue from the previous day. (Can’t explain further without being very outing.) Crush Object is going to be looking after several mutual friends’ children throughout the event, as well. I can at least ensure I’m sitting as far as possible from him when not dealing with DS.

It’s not about being sensible.

OP presumably loves her H and her DC. She can choose between treating them lovingly - or at least respectfully - or indulging the crush and spending time with OM.

And @Loopytiles, his involvement with the house stuff isn’t ending any time soon, alas. We’re in the early stages of drawings, planning, knocking etc, and there’s another separate phase to come after that.

Crap. When you put it like that, I chose a deeply dumb crush object. What you need is a nice, safe pop star or actor you never meet.

Stop fannying around with all this 'imagine him picking his nose' stuff.

Imagine telling your DH what is going on in your head. How he will react. How he will feel. How you will feel.

If that still doesn't throw a bucket of cold water over your 'crush' then you should actually tell your DH.