Help me squash a violent crush on someone I have to see a lot

[Winterswim]

I know this has come up here before on here, but any crush-ending techniques/suggestions would be very welcome.

Mine is brand-new, violent and deeply inconvenient, as it's on someone I have to see regularly, as he is both professionally involved in a project happening at our house, and the father of one of my child's best friends, and they're young, so there's lots of lift-sharing to activities and dropping off, which at times involves me more than DH, as there are times he often works late or travels, while I WFH.

I have no idea where this came from. I'm happily married, and I've known him for a couple of years and not a flicker till bang, last weekend. I spent all day with him and our children and his ex-wife at an activity, and everything was normal. Then I woke up the next morning completely fixated. Now I can't get him out of my head.

I realise these things fade in time left to themselves, and the general advice is to just not see the crush object, but that's just not possible here we're locked into both a professional and lift-sharing/child-focused relationship. I've tried imagining him on the loo/nose-picking/ whatever. I feel utterly pathetic and ridiculous (and a bit puzzled he's the same man as he's been for the last two years, so why now? Does the hormonal fluctuation of perimenopause do this?)

No need to try to smack some sense into me, as I've been smacking myself for days. But if anyone has any ideas for quelling something which is fairly undignified and fucking inconvenient, please share.

And thanks, everyone, for being so nice. I feel like a total idiot, and was expecting a thorough kicking on here.

Because it is stupid, and I know it's stupid. I will try to look on the bright side and enjoy the effortless weight loss. I swear, if someone managed to bottle this feeling, they'd have the world's most effective diet replacement.

I think you could try to channel the shaggy thoughts into your marriage and husband. Like make a HUGE effort to be romantic and flirty with your H (in a way that won't make him suspect you're actually having an affair) and see what happens?

Sorry you're afflicted.

Would it help to think of it as purely chemical? You spent some time with this guy, got a good sniff of his pheromones and it’s kicked off a craving in you.

Like when they’re pumping out the bakery smells in the supermarket and all you can think about for the next hour is a nice tiger loaf.

Just ride it out, it’ll pass - it’s just chemicals going a bit haywire.

A nice tiger loaf
A few years ago my SIL clearly had a crush on her other SIL's husband's employee (builders). It was cringeworthy. She was a subtle as a 13 year old. Don't be my SIL. Eat a tiger loaf instead!

This is probably going to sound a bit odd but I felt like this about my ex boss until I went on HRT. I love my husband to pieces and in the years we have been married never ever imagined myself with anyone else, but suddenly I had a massive crush on my boss. Admittedly he is a lovely person and quite handsome and I went from bumbling along to massive heart throbbing crush in about 2 hours (!). I had the most highly charged dreams about him (blush) and it was altogether quite disconcerting. As soon as I got my hormones sorted out it faded - I still think about him fondly and can see he's an attractive man who, if I was not with my husband would be the kind of guy I might be interested in but the silliness has gone away.

If I ever forget to take my HRT for a few days then those feelings start creeping back a bit.

I am not sure this helps at all but wondering if it is hormonal more than anything else?

Maybe you had a random ‘romantic’ dream about him that you don’t remember and that kicked off these feelings? As they arose so quickly they may disappear soon too

The slightest thing can trigger an almighty crush.

It's not undignified or humiliating! Its human. Acting on it would be undignified and humiliating.

Tricky one as you see him so much. Strict NC helps this to fade. You're going to just have to be strict and disciplined I'm afraid. Good luck xxx

@SpeckledlyHen

This is probably going to sound a bit odd but I felt like this about my ex boss until I went on HRT. I love my husband to pieces and in the years we have been married never ever imagined myself with anyone else, but suddenly I had a massive crush on my boss. Admittedly he is a lovely person and quite handsome and I went from bumbling along to massive heart throbbing crush in about 2 hours (!). I had the most highly charged dreams about him (blush) and it was altogether quite disconcerting. As soon as I got my hormones sorted out it faded - I still think about him fondly and can see he's an attractive man who, if I was not with my husband would be the kind of guy I might be interested in but the silliness has gone away.

If I ever forget to take my HRT for a few days then those feelings start creeping back a bit.

I am not sure this helps at all but wondering if it is hormonal more than anything else?

I’m on HRT since December —a mirena coil I’ve had for a while and an oestrogen patch — and to be honest, haven’t noticed feeling much different at all on it, to the point whether I wondered whether I needed a higher dosage (though the patch is 100 whatever the unit is, which I thought was standard…?). Certainly none of the skipping about feeling fab stuff other people talk about.

Don’t start me in tiger loaves — I’m gluten intolerant, so lots of delicious breads are off limits!

And @ThePlantsitter, that’s exactly what I’m doing — being as attentive as possible to DH, only he’s got a rank cold after a work trip and is literally sleeping when he’s not at work! All he wants is to be left alone.

I will ride this out, and avoid all possible contact. The snag is that I am very much trying to promote friendships for my son, who’s dealing with moving countries and going straight into lockdown, and Crush Man’s son is one of his closest friends, and they’re young enough to need to be dropped off, collected etc. in fact, it’s a real shame, because I do also like him as a friend.

Thanks again to everyone who has commented, for being so nice. I can’t talk to friends here because they all know Crush Object too, because a lot of them are people I’ve met because our kids are friends and do the same activity, and my friends in the country we left are drifting away a bit.

@Winterswim

I know, I was being flippant but it did seem to start off in a similar way. I had terrible guilt pangs and tried to shake myself out of it, being convinced he was also in a long term relationship and had not displayed any overt signs of being attracted to me.

At the time I was in an unhappy marriage with a husband who was stuck in his ways and completely took me for granted, I had little confidence and was living a life that I did not want.

Things came to a head with my crush took the initiative and told me he'd fallen in love with me (also being in a long-term relationship that had ran its course and where he was taken totally for granted as well).

The rest, as they say, is history. But I have absolutely no regrets at all - it was absolutely the right thing to do. And in case anybody criticises us, neither of us had children / dependents to consider.

@Winterswim - it's good that you can't talk about it to friends. It's good to talk about it here for a bit because it's good to have people objectively tell you that this is not about him at all - he just happened to be the person in range when your brain latched onto something shiny and distracting in difficult and highly hormonal times. With friends you could find yourself talking about him and that could help deepen a delusion that you have feelings for him. You don't. This isn't about him. This isn't a romantic thing. It's a common thing that happens when something is off balance with you (physically, emotionally) and particularly in perimenopausal women.

You said you were having therapy and stopped recently. Is there anything to think about with regard to why you were having therapy, this happening after you stopped etc?

Maybe remind yourself of everything that's great about your relationship and that you don't really know this guy? Sure he might be good looking and funny or whatever but would he want to spend time doing the same things you like to do? Would he watch the kids every morning so you can gym? Would he make you laugh when you are sad or would he have the emotional capacity of a teenage boy and disappear off down the pub! A few home truths - that a pretty face does not make a good relationship partner for you - might suddenly make him seem less attractive.

Can you stay in the car at pick up and drop offs? Or leave it till the last minute and run in quick. Avoiding him and concentrating on being with your husband ( I do mean shagging) will help.
Failing that imagine sex with him but what it would actually be like not the fantasy. The full awkwardness of someone new seeing you naked him falling over taking his socks off or worse still keeping them on. Having them not knowing what you like and either putting up with crap sex or having to give directions.

Could be me this. Ive had the same. Suddenly started getting feelings after a long time without having any.

Something brings it on suddenly. Its really exhausting, Continous thinking of them and wanting to message etc. Nightmare.

Still coping with it its been 3 months or so now.

I think the fact that you’ve recently moved countries is very relevant here. It’s almost as if when our equilibrium is disturbed, this mechanism takes over that reaches out for a new ‘nest’ because the old nest is moving around. Very common to hear women talk about these crushes in expat groups!

I think you are looking at him in rose tinted glasses. Find something bad about him, eats bogies, flatulence something like that, and hopefully that'll get you over it.

Perimenopause turned me into a teenager with wild, violent, inappropriate crushes.
HRT helped!

Have a good wank over him and move on?

@cumonilean

Have a good wank over him and move on?

dosent work you just want to do it more.

It doesn’t mean something is lacking in your relationship. It could be something lacking in you.
Do you have low confidence or low self esteem? It could be your egos way of trying to feel good about yourself or you could be using it as an escape from a recent trauma, you say you’ve had a lot of upheaval recently.
I developed a crush out of nowhere and blamed my relationship…but after digging deep it came after a miscarriage, feeling unfulfilled in my life and low self esteem. Bad cocktail that made the crush very intense.
I too lost weight.
The beauty of unwanted crushes is it distracts you from working on yourself or what is missing and the issues only get worse. It’s a trauma response, the same as burying your head in the sand.
A distraction from pain and problems.
Your ego wants him to want you because then it wouldn’t have to focus on you, you can focus your energy on him, and get an ego boost and the flurry of happy hormones to flood your brain.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband.
You need to seriously focus your energy back to yourself and see this for what it is and connect with reality.
The reality is it would be a total shit storm and nobody would come out of it happy.

Finding it funny that some people here think that a woman in I'm guessing her 40s based on the peri menopause comment has something medically wrong with her/ needs counselling if she finds another man sexually attractive. This is perfectly normal and not at all undignified in my opinion. Thinking is different from acting - maybe @Winterswim you can channel this sexual tension you feel into some exciting experiences with your OH or alternatively try vigorous exercise - a brisk walk/ a run - why not reap the health benefits from this burst of energy and maybe burn off some of that desire in the process!

I think have a good word with yourself in your head as if you were your mother or something.

I think the description of a sudden and "violent crush", "fixated" and not being able to eat is a little more than "finding another man sexually attractive" (which is course perfectly normal) but yes when you've seen how difficult these (not acted upon) "fixations" can make things, you probably do seem a bit OTT to others when you say find out what is going on here and deal with it.

I'm 51 menopausal and currently have a ridiculous crush on someone at work. He's 20 years younger than me, I'm embarrassed and annoyed with myself. It's taken me completely by surprise, I'm hoping it passes soon. It's time consuming and will go nowhere. Op you just gotta ride it out until it fades.

Find the things about him that really annoy you and make him unattractive and focus on only those.

@Tigergirl37

Finding it funny that some people here think that a woman in I'm guessing her 40s based on the peri menopause comment has something medically wrong with her/ needs counselling if she finds another man sexually attractive. This is perfectly normal and not at all undignified in my opinion. Thinking is different from acting - maybe *@Winterswim* you can channel this sexual tension you feel into some exciting experiences with your OH or alternatively try vigorous exercise - a brisk walk/ a run - why not reap the health benefits from this burst of energy and maybe burn off some of that desire in the process!

That is exactly what I am doing — focusing on exercise. I walked over 25000 steps yesterday according to my phone. Which is probably contributing to the weight loss. And yes, you’re right, lots of you. Life has been difficult since 2019, and I’ve had to keep trudging ahead through a cancer scare, lots of surgery, an international move and settling in a child who was mourning his old life, a big disappointment and trying to start off on a new place during Covid has all been hard, and DH’s job involves lots of travel and is so gregarious that he doesn’t have the same need of friends that I do (my work is entirely solitary). DH is lovely, and it’s a solid relationship, and I’m working at making friends in our new place, but I’m lonely, and I’m a bit bruised from a few failures and a lot of challenging stuff going on. And, I’ve kept going to keep the show on the road, because there didn’t seem any choice, but I’m not feeling great about myself (hence the therapy, which made me realise how hard on myself I am.)

And Crush Object is also a person I get along with. Before last weekend, he was just someone I thought was becoming a friend, along with his ex-wife, whom I also like very much. It’s that that makes it complex — he’s not just a pretty face or an acquaintance I hardly know. I know him quite well, and he’s been a good new friend and offered to drive me about if needed when DS is away with work. (I can’t drive.)