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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He had an affair. Now says he feels trapped…?

131 replies

BiscuitChart · 22/03/2022 22:01

So he had an affair. Now he’s saying he feels trapped in our marriage and because I found out about the affair it’s given him an out. I feel like he’s only feeling trapped because being married with kids is a lot less fun than shagging a young woman with no worries in the world.

Please give me advice, preferably from marriage councillors, on how to get him to wake up and realise how good he’s got it at home? I can forgive this indiscretion, but he’s not giving me the chance and says he went out as he’s trapped.

Anyone here got their man to see sense? Please??

OP posts:
planetme · 22/03/2022 22:02

Let him go.

You deserve way better x

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 22/03/2022 22:03

How about seeing someone to get you to see sense? He doesn’t sound like a prize.

Original poster
BiscuitChart · 22/03/2022 22:03

But I know we can be happy and I love him 😔

OP posts:
newbiename · 22/03/2022 22:03

I'd release from his trap. I couldn't forgive that.
Sorry I know it's not what you want to hear.
You'd always be waiting for it to happen again.

Jaxinthebox · 22/03/2022 22:03

Why do you want him to stay? You deserve better, so do your children. Dont beg him to stay, he wants out - free him. I guarantee with some counselling and help you will be much better off in the long run.

Pompom2367 · 22/03/2022 22:04

Op you can't fight for a relationship unless you both want to

user1471538283 · 22/03/2022 22:04

I would let him go. I bet his woman wont be so keen when she realises he has children to pay for and look after 50% of the time or every other weekend.

At the moment he is imaging a future without responsibilities.

elizabethdraper · 22/03/2022 22:05

Have you considered counselling to improve your self esteem?

This child is a arsehole, you deserve better

Justmuddlingalong · 22/03/2022 22:11

If I'd been shat on from a great height like that, I'd pack his bags for him.

callmeblondie · 22/03/2022 22:12

Give it time, OP. The grass is rarely greener.

DrWankincense · 22/03/2022 22:15

He doesn't love you.
If he 'picks' you the only thing he'll be doing is to continue to erode your self-esteem and your mental health.
It's painful now but it'll be worse to go through it time and again. And for your children to see that. And they will.
You are worth more.

MrsClarkandPercy · 22/03/2022 22:17

@DrWankincense

He doesn't love you. If he 'picks' you the only thing he'll be doing is to continue to erode your self-esteem and your mental health. It's painful now but it'll be worse to go through it time and again. And for your children to see that. And they will. You are worth more.
Absolutely right.
Original poster
BiscuitChart · 22/03/2022 22:18

I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me. Surely after a while he’ll remember? You lot are brutal. But I really appreciate every single person who has taken the time to reply xxx

OP posts:
onelife22 · 22/03/2022 22:23

I personally couldn't forgive it. I believe forgiving someone for something like this gives them the green light to do it again.

If he really loved you and was happy he wouldn't have had an affair.

It's so sad that you feel this way but you really need to get rid x

callmeblondie · 22/03/2022 22:24

@BiscuitChart

I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me. Surely after a while he’ll remember? You lot are brutal. But I really appreciate every single person who has taken the time to reply xxx
That's exactly what can happen. They literally forget who you are as a person, as his partner, and they forget your life history together. It's an automatic protective mechanism against guilt. I think your hunch is right, that he's probably in limerence, that this will fade in time.
DrWankincense · 22/03/2022 22:24

It may well be an infatuation but do you really want to waste time on a man who has such little regard for you?

BeHappy91818 · 22/03/2022 22:25

Don’t be a mug. He’s not happy or he wouldn’t of had an affair. Get rid

CookiesNookie · 22/03/2022 22:27

My ex did that. I gave him another chance and for a little while it looked like it was worth forgiving him. We even moved counties as all my friends hated him for what he did to me. Guess what!! 18 months after moving he had an affair. I kicked him out and it was awful as hell but we now bitty get on and both of us have moved on with someone else and more importantly our children are happy.

Blue4YOU · 22/03/2022 22:29

Ah OP it’s sad to hear you wanting it to work but he clearly does not.
Does his feeling trapped mean he wants a divorce or to continue the affair whilst being married to you?

SEE123 · 22/03/2022 22:31

@BiscuitChart read through the mountain of threads with situations that are the mirror of yours. They usually follow the same pattern.

He has betrayed you and your family. Let him go. He'll do this to you again and again otherwise. And if even if he doesn't (unlikely) you'll spend your life wondering whether he has. That's no way to live. You deserve better, as do your children.

Lollypop701 · 22/03/2022 22:32

As the saying goes if you love someone set them free… if he comes back the other person didn’t want him either so you are well rid! Honestly he’s not fighting for your relationship, he isn’t sorry… it might be limerence but if you let him treat you badly now it’s the green light for future behaviour.

newbiename · 22/03/2022 22:33

@BiscuitChart

I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me. Surely after a while he’ll remember? You lot are brutal. But I really appreciate every single person who has taken the time to reply xxx
Did he live you when he was shagging her do you think?
newbiename · 22/03/2022 22:33

*love you

planetme · 22/03/2022 22:33

@BiscuitChart

I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me. Surely after a while he’ll remember? You lot are brutal. But I really appreciate every single person who has taken the time to reply xxx
I know this is going to be bloody hard to hear but even if he still loves you - old love cannot compete with new love aka infatuation.

It isn't that the affair woman is "better", she more than likely is just ordinary . But that pure thrill of the new will always "win"

This is why if my H had an affair I'd never have him back. Because I'd always feel second best

Sonaftersonafterson · 22/03/2022 22:34

It's not "brutal" OP, its honesty, which I assume is what you came here for.

From the outside, it is very sad. Your husband fucked someone else, is not even sorry, wants out of the marriage and you're trying to get him to REMEMBER he loves you!!!??

Come on. Road to heartbreak. Even if he was remorseful I'd say leave. But he isn't. Hes taking you for a fool.

Please leave him. He's done it once and you're begging for a chance to forgive him? Bet he cant believe his luck. He will do it again and again if you stay, why wouldn't he?

I'm sorry but really, let the teaser go. Only then, given time, will he realise what he has lost.