He had an affair. Now says he feels trapped…?

[BiscuitChart]

So he had an affair. Now he’s saying he feels trapped in our marriage and because I found out about the affair it’s given him an out. I feel like he’s only feeling trapped because being married with kids is a lot less fun than shagging a young woman with no worries in the world.

Please give me advice, preferably from marriage councillors, on how to get him to wake up and realise how good he’s got it at home? I can forgive this indiscretion, but he’s not giving me the chance and says he went out as he’s trapped.

Anyone here got their man to see sense? Please??

Marriage counselling only has a chance of working at reconciliation if you both want to make the relationship work. A counsellor cannot make him fall back in love with you.

I honestly think with a clear head he’ll realise what he’s doing. I think he’s having a midlife crisis. To be honest, if he realises he’s made a mistake I’d rather stay with him whilst the children are small, we get on really well, I’ve no career as I have it up to have kids and we really enjoy each other’s company. I didn’t know anything was wrong at all until I accidentally found out.

Thank you for all of your comments xxxx

Let him go, OP. You deserve better than being second best.

Why would you let your children think this is an acceptable way for him to treat your marriage? You? Them?

A mistake is forgetting to out the bins out, not shagging someone else when you have a wife and children.

Forgive me OP but it doesn’t sound like you’re particularly heartbroken over this? Is it more the worry & scariness of being single & not having the stability that having a partner brings?
Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could ever forgive an affair as I love my partner too much and the pain would be too hard having to look at him everyday…

He’s cheated on you and doesn’t want to make your marriage work so hold your head up and tell him it’s over. He has no respect for you now he might think different when you tell him to get the fuck out. Let him go for your own sanity.

You’re in denial. She’s shagging another woman and feels trapped by you. He’s spelling it out for you in 20 foot golden letters. You need to throw this one back.

You don't get on that well if he has been cheating on you, or he'd of gave you the respect you deserve not to cheat on you.

Sadly you can't make someone stay if they no longer want a relationship with you. Id get yourself some counselling to raise your self esteem and realise you deserve so much more than this.

You tell him exactly how much he will be having the kids, full responsibility as a father. Financial responsibility does not go away. He is not young free & single, regardless of who he is shagging.
Look into getting a job & he can also be a parent for his share of pick ups & drop offs for school &/or childminder.
The golden responsibility free future with a young thing does not exist. Be abundantly clear. And you will be enjoying your free time whilst he parents his children.
Time to get tough, protect yourself, do not roll over.
Reality may just make him realise what you want him to see.
But regardless, do not beg, do not do the pick me dance. He will not respect you for it. If he really wants to go, he will. You do not have to make it easy for him.
Best of luck.

You're in a state of shock - which is completely normal.

I did the same thing when I found out a former boyfriend had cheated on me. My shock was so great I wound up saying, 'it's OK, I understand things happen, it's alright, don't worry'. This was on a Friday.
He must have thought all his dreams had come at once.....the next day I left and honestly everything was fine. I got in my car and drove home, and then it started to sink in, and then I got angry. I had to go to IKEA with my Mum and I remember stomping around absolutely raging, throwing things in the trolley with my Mum wondering what on earth was going on. This was the Saturday.
I was supposed to be seeing the boyf that night. Told him I wasn't feeling well. I spent that night crying my eyes out.
On the Sunday, I was just numb, I felt completely deflated, hopeless and lost.
On Monday morning I woke up feeling clear headed, I knew what I needed to do. I knew very clearly the only thing that felt right. I sent him an email telling him I deserved much better and really didn't want to see or speak to him ever again.

Anyway - all those emotions over just a few days, as a young 20 something, with a guy I'd been dating for 6 months.....So to extrapolate that to a marriage, with children involved - give yourself a break and just allow yourself to feel what you need to feel for as long as you need to feel it. If it's desperation 'I want him back' - that's entirely naturally and normal. If you feel lost and depressed that's entirely normal. If you feel anger that's also normal.

Try and aim to just not reacting to the emotions. Allow yourself to feel them but don't see them a something you need to act upon. Tell yourself, these are just feelings. Feelings aren't facts, what you're having is a normal reaction to a horrible shock.

Don't make any decisions that are fuelled by an intense sense of panic. Only make decisions when your emotions are cooled and you can think objectively and clearly.

In the meantime just let him get on with what he's doing and keep contact factual.

But how you're feeling is totally normal. Hugs xx

@BiscuitChart

But I know we can be happy and I love him 😔

You're delusional. He is telling you straight that he wants out.

I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me. Surely after a while he’ll remember?

Until the next one comes along. Or he just loes again to keep you quiet.

I'm sorry op. Begging him to stay and trying to will him into loving you will make him respect you less and less.

You'll lose self respect too.

He has told you how he feels. Its horrible and shit but you must not try to manipulate or convince someone to stay anywhere.

If you really want it to work, as you seem to do, the best way to deal with this is to go really hard on him. Kick him out, don't respond to messages, don't show you're hurt and don't beg him to stay. Let him realise what he is missing.

Of course by then you may well not want him back anyway.

If you do beg him you will lose all respect for yourself. It's time now to stand up for yourself and carve a new future for you and the children.

lies*

Hmm...if only we could make you see that love between a man and a woman, should always be conditional - ie based on how they treat you. Reserve the other for your children only. It takes 2 people to love, and all the love in the world from you, can't make another love you. It's not all about what you want, and unfortunately, he wants something else.
He might have a point about feeling trapped, because you are clinging on despite him clearly wanting out.
You gave up your career, why? For what? To rear kids? Don't you know you can do both ? Makes for a far more interesting life. Basically, in this day and age, yes a mother's work life can suffer if working part time, but come on, no need to give up entirely - unless you want to do it all - and that is just absolving a man of his responsibilities, and is often going to make you look dull tbh.

My father 'forgot' he loved my mother when he first started having affairs before I'd even started primary school...Guess what? He never 'remembered' He finally left my mother for another woman when I was 21.

These wise mumsnetters are right. Typical cheaters script. Pack his stuff, throw it out and go 'no contact'. He may see the light in the reality of the day, he might not BUT no amount of appealing, emotionally blackmailing, guilting, begging, talking, false optimism at the moment will make a shred of difference, quite the opposite. He is not your friend at the moment and not receptive to what you have to say. These men turn into aliens with their affair head on.

He may come back to earth, but likely if you push him and have him back the affair may just carry on underground with you stuck in same heart stopping mode a year later when you discover he is still at it. By then you will have joined the 'browbeaten and down trodden by a lowlife' club, lost several stone, had hair fall out with the stress, be suffering PTSD due to NEVER being able to trust/ respect him again.

You are in shock at the moment. Your loyalty is to yourself and children. Take care of yourselves. Read all you can on affairs and start getting your financial ducks in a row to protect yourself whilst he is in lustville.

Good luck OP

@BiscuitChart

I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me. Surely after a while he’ll remember? You lot are brutal. But I really appreciate every single person who has taken the time to reply xxx

He doesn’t have dementia. He hasn’t forgotten how much he loves you.

He has broken the marriage.

You deserve someone who loves you too much to break your heart. You won’t find him while dick-for-brains is in your bed or your heart. Time to pull out all your reserves of strength and move on without him.

Oh sweetie you are in shock and Im so sorry you are going through this.

You are in shock and panic mode
You will do all you can to keep him away from OW
He will have his cake and eat it
He will go back and forth
You will start to get angry and again feel betrayed....

We are being brutally honest because many have been where you are now.

Can someone link The Script....may help @BiscuitChart

Please listen ....yr marriage will never be back ti what it was

@Wiredforsound

You’re in denial. She’s shagging another woman and feels trapped by you. He’s spelling it out for you in 20 foot golden letters. You need to throw this one back.

Agreed, you're better than this. He doesn't sound like he loves you anymore, no remorse

@BiscuitChart

I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me. Surely after a while he’ll remember? You lot are brutal. But I really appreciate every single person who has taken the time to reply xxx

He has forgotten how much he loves you - he’s shagging somebody else!! He’s moving on and you need to let him go. You are worth more x

@BiscuitChart

I honestly think with a clear head he’ll realise what he’s doing. I think he’s having a midlife crisis. To be honest, if he realises he’s made a mistake I’d rather stay with him whilst the children are small, we get on really well, I’ve no career as I have it up to have kids and we really enjoy each other’s company. I didn’t know anything was wrong at all until I accidentally found out.

Thank you for all of your comments xxxx

I feel for you but you need a reality check- once the trust is gone it’s difficult to continue a relationship . Let him go

@BiscuitChart

But I know we can be happy and I love him 😔

I'm sorry, but you can't. It's hard enough to get past an affair if the person who has betrayed the trust is genuinely sorry and doing everything possible to fix it. He doesn't even want to. Even if he changes his mind the damage done is now so deep - this utter disrespect for you - that it will not work IMO. I know how much it hurts, but this relationship is over and you will feel so much better in the long run if you show yourself respect and kick him out now.

@BiscuitChart

I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me. Surely after a while he’ll remember? You lot are brutal. But I really appreciate every single person who has taken the time to reply xxx

He may well be. And I don't mean to be brutal. I feel your pain. 😓 But you have to do this and move on. This will never be a happy relationship again, when he has cheated and then not even shown remorse. In time you'll get past the initial pain and shock of your world being blown apart (I know it seems unimaginable now, but you will) and then you'll be SO angry. There is just no way back from this to you feeling respected and trusting. I'm so sorry, OP.