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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He had an affair. Now says he feels trapped…?

131 replies

BiscuitChart · 22/03/2022 22:01

So he had an affair. Now he’s saying he feels trapped in our marriage and because I found out about the affair it’s given him an out. I feel like he’s only feeling trapped because being married with kids is a lot less fun than shagging a young woman with no worries in the world.

Please give me advice, preferably from marriage councillors, on how to get him to wake up and realise how good he’s got it at home? I can forgive this indiscretion, but he’s not giving me the chance and says he went out as he’s trapped.

Anyone here got their man to see sense? Please??

OP posts:

Quatrophoenix · 23/03/2022 00:09

Are you renting/owned outright/mortgaged?
Joint bank account?
Savings?
Do you have a bank account in your sole name?
Age of the children?

Chilesstanton · 23/03/2022 00:23

What happened to you that you think this is what you deserve?

Quatrophoenix · 23/03/2022 00:24

Of course you still love him. Why wouldn't you? He's the one who is apparently not loving you. Your love still stands around looking lost. Like it missed the party bus.

So: you can do something excellent with your love!

Withdraw it from the current undeserving recipient and deposit it all into your ILoveMe bank account as love savings for another day.

You will be so well off.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/03/2022 01:26

Honestly, just focus on moving to the next stage of your life. I know you don’t want this but it will get worse if you stay and a lot better if you move on. See a solicitor, get everything you can, get back to work. You’ll look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking

unicornsarereal72 · 23/03/2022 07:18

I'm so sorry you are in this position. You are fighting hard because change is scary.

My ex did the same. He was seeing someone else. I was like you. That what we had should of meant more and he should want it was badly as you.

As others have said you are worth more. Through the difficult times I never looked at someone else. Let alone emotionally then physically had a relationship with them. He doesn't have the same priorities as you do. It is harsh but keep your dignity and tell him to go.

It maybe he soon realises it wasn't what he wanted. And you can make a decision then if you wish. It maybe it works out for him with someone else. You have no control over that. Just be the best person/parent you can be. And get yourself some counselling

My ex did crawl back telling me the grass wasn't greener it was just different grass. He was trying to manipulate me again as a narc he needed something from me. It took me a short while to see it for what it was but now the children and I are safe and happy and that is good enough for me.

Didimum · 23/03/2022 07:34

You’re in deep shock, trying to cling onto the illusion of who you thought your husband was. Please invest in some individual counselling for the sake of yourself and your children. Please read back your posts - where is your self respect?

Regardless of limerence, infatuation, foggy head, etc etc, your husband is the type of person who deeply betrays his loved ones for his own self gain. That’s who he is. That is a person of incredibly low character. I’m sorry you are finding this out, but he is who he is.

Can couples come back from affairs? I think so, but only with a radical transformation of who he is and what your marriage is. This involves incredible, long-term hard work, genuine remorse and dedication from him, for years and years, with complete devotion to your healing. Even after that, the vast majority of cheaters are serial cheaters.

BlueSlate · 23/03/2022 07:36

I just can't get my head around the fact that you don't want more for yourself.

Applesarenice · 23/03/2022 08:13

He obviously wants what he can’t have. I’d be kicking him out - he may then realise what he’s lost, but he may not

Applesarenice · 23/03/2022 08:14

Sorry should also say, you deserve much more and need some time to be happy without him

dottydodah · 23/03/2022 08:16

Im sorry love ,but he has finished with your marriage Im afraid. We are not brutal but realistic! He is like a lot of men ,likes the idea of children wife and so on .But when the going gets tough he looks elsewhere .He sounds immature and shallow .He is infatuated ATM by the chance of getting to know a "new" woman .Odds on he will tire of her in time who knows? Meanwhile you have a life too . What would you say to friend in this situation.Probably tell her to start Divorce proceedings! He wants out and so will not think "how good hes got it at home" I would seek out a Solicitor ,and real life friends /family as well for support .

ittakes2 · 23/03/2022 08:31

'I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me.' That might be true but if it is the only way he will discover this is if you let him go to her. As others have said - the grass is rarely greener. Hopefully after he does you will have some space and realise what a dick he has been and move on. Of course you love him - love does not disappear over night. You think you can be happy together - he is telling you otherwise - listen to him.

Hadjab · 23/03/2022 08:37

@BiscuitChart

I just feel like he’s enfatuated with her and so has forgotten how much he loves me. Surely after a while he’ll remember? You lot are brutal. But I really appreciate every single person who has taken the time to reply xxx

Umm, no, he hasn't forgotten how much he 'loves' you - he doesn't. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who has absolutely no respect for you?

DamnUserName21 · 23/03/2022 08:44

It's up to you, OP, and what you are willing to put up with/accept.
Sure, he may come back to you but will he fulfil your emotional needs and will you be able to trust him? Unlikely.

Some folks accept their partner's cheating (not forgive) and rebuild with their partner. However, this takes you both and it doesn't seem like he is willing to rebuild with you.

He will (likely) continue to cheat and, in the meantime, your confidence and self-esteem with deteriorate.

Whatever happens, I hope you find YOUR strength and happiness.

Hoppinggreen · 23/03/2022 08:49

It’s called Magical thinking.
Unfortunately it’s not real and outside of Fairy Stories you can’t make something come true by wishing for it hard enough.
If he wanted to make a go of your marriage too then you might stand a chance but he doesn’t so you need to wise up

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 23/03/2022 08:51

OP have you got someone to support you in real life?
Hes told you he wants to leave. Unless you chain him up you dont have a choice but to let him.
Take some time for yourself and think about what this behaviour is showing you children about how to treat the people you love.

IncompleteSenten · 23/03/2022 08:52

You think you can be happy.
He doesn't agree.
Do you really want to cling on to someone who doesn't want to be with you?
He's a shit for cheating on you. He's a coward but he wants out. You can't chain him to a radiator.

Rummikub · 23/03/2022 08:57

@BiscuitChart

This was me

Let him go before it destroys you. I really wish I had. I too was focussed in keeping my family together. He. wasnt. Had marriage guidance. It was soul destroying.
As pp said you both have to want this and right now he doesn’t. Nothing you say now will make a difference to him.
Head high. Stop talking. Look in a different direction to him.
It is scary. But start planning to remove yourself from him. Take his house key. Set up access. Money.
Joint account? Make sure you can access those funds.

You will be ok.

babywalker56 · 23/03/2022 08:57

Begging someone to let them forgive you will never work. He should be begging you to forgive him yet he seems like he doesn't even want to be forgiven.... you should seriously drop him instead of hoping he'll come to his sense. He had an affair....

Rummikub · 23/03/2022 09:02

Try putting some practical steps in place

Once he sees you not chasing he will be more interested, at that point you wont want him back

Bjarnum · 23/03/2022 09:02

When a dog runs off if you chase it it will carry on running. The best bet is to turn on your heel and run. Usually the dog will chase after you. Let him go. Don't plead. Take charge and remove his choices. Make sure you are financially supported. Work on yourself and the children. Be business-like and upbeat. If there is any feeling there he will ultimately be back - up to you if you still want him by that time.

BoldMove · 23/03/2022 09:03

He's blaming you for his behaviour/situation.Poor thing trapped in a marriage then why doesnt he leave instead of moaning like a teen who's been grounded?
I'd never be able to trust him again plus he doesnt even sound sorry.
Don't do the pick me dance OP. It never ends well. You might love him but he doesn't really care about you. Sorry.

YukoandHiro · 23/03/2022 09:21

First step: go to counselling yourself and see if you can unpick why you feel you love someone who can treat you with such contempt. A ONS I can understand, but an affair? While you're dealing with the mental load of the kids?

I think you might make some discoveries about your own strength and worth and feel very differently afterwards

Gonnagetgoing · 23/03/2022 09:21

@BiscuitChart

I honestly think with a clear head he’ll realise what he’s doing. I think he’s having a midlife crisis. To be honest, if he realises he’s made a mistake I’d rather stay with him whilst the children are small, we get on really well, I’ve no career as I have it up to have kids and we really enjoy each other’s company. I didn’t know anything was wrong at all until I accidentally found out.

Thank you for all of your comments xxxx

@BiscuitChart - you know what, you'll realise years later when the children are older, or teenagers, when you're worrying about him straying again, why on earth you didn't divorce him tears ago.

If you gave up your career to have kids then you can restart now.

Please don't let this pathetic man walk all over you by one, having an affair, then two, saying he feels trapped.

And even if he is having a midlife crisis that doesn't give him reason to do what he's doing.

Basil121185 · 23/03/2022 09:29

Sorry, I've not read all the replies but I was in this situation 6 years ago with my now ex husband. Honestly, let him go. You don't want to be someone's second choice and the more you try and push him to see your side, the more he will want to leave. Let him go. As cheesy as this sounds, if he comes back and you can reconcile then that's entirely up to you. But for now, let him go. I forced my ex into trying again with me and it felt very fake. I ended up letting him go and as far as I know he is still happily with the woman he left me for and I have moved on and settled down with a wonderful man.

SapatSea · 23/03/2022 09:30

Tell him "the cage door is always open" let him go if he wants. He can't unsay what he has said and you will always feel that he thinks you "have trapped him" (I've heard that one a lot along with "being harnessed") and never be on rock solid ground again. As others have said things can only be repaired if you both really want to work on things and he will need to go above and beyond and put in hard graft to win back your trust where as it sounds like he wants to wallow in his own misery with all the comforts of home and blame you (another reaction is often that the guy "just wants things to go back to normal" and thus sweep it all under the carpet and make no effort to repair things).

Your reaction to want to save your marriage is totally normal, your brain is scrambling to try to understand how the person who was supposed to love you and have your back, whom you thought had a happy home has betrayed you and says he feels trapped and has trampled all over your heart and soul.

You say you want him to see sense of how good it is at home. He may only see that after he has left and finds it tough out there. Alternatively, he may love leading a single life again. Whatever - you need to look to yourself now (he is not your friend at the moment). Find out about financials and benefits you might get if he were to leave, scan or copy all mortgage, investment , payroll documents etc. So that you will be prepared if he does leave.

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