Page 4 | He had an affair. Now says he feels trapped…?

Etm1986 · 23/03/2022 09:35

I’m so sorry it’s hurts I know I’ve been there.

The kindest thing I can say is let him go

It will hurt but you will be ok I promise. I did this for ten years ! Ten years I wasted my life. I am now more in love than I ever loved him I have two amazing children and I realised that relationship was terrible normal men don’t go around destroying the person they love. Big hugs

gingerhills · 23/03/2022 09:39

I would just say to him: You have responsibilities towards your children, and me as the mother of your children. Those responbsibilities will never go away. You can either grow up and appreciate how wonderful it is to raise a family, to nurture your children and watch them grow or you can fritter your time away wishing you were single so you could chase every woman that got away. Your choice. I won't hold you back if you think the shallow, skirt-chasing life will be more rewarding and help you grow and feel more fulfilled by the end of your life. Do what you need to do. But before you do, consider this: is it me or your attitude towards me that is trapping you?

5128gap · 23/03/2022 09:43

I get the frustration. He is ruining your lives for something highly likely to be transient that will probably leave him worse off in the long run when the young woman tires of him. But you will never make him see this through your eyes. He knows full well what he's leaving, but did it anyway as at the moment at least, he prefers that.
Even if by some remote possibility you managed to make him see sense, what do you think that would look like for you? You would have made a huge compromise in yourself to keep him. Is that going to feel worth it? I struggle to see that any man would be. You will have no security going forward. Once they have a taste for it and feel the power of their desirability to two women, they are more likely to do it again next time they're bored. You will be spending your days trying to be perfect, keep him happy and entertained. You won't relax.
Awful as it feels, the life you had with him is over now, and coaxing him back would just prolong the pain by disguising that for a while. You've already got some of the pain under your belt now, so try to stick with it, as it will fade in time and every day you get through brings that a bit closer.
I wish you all the best for the happier life you deserve.

MrMrsJones · 23/03/2022 09:44

I would tell him that the house chores and the children are his responsibilities from now on.

You are going to take some time out and think about things.

You could move out for a bit, go to a hotel, whatever.

But give him all the responsibility

Fatgalslim · 23/03/2022 09:45

He doesn't love you, you don't treat people you love like this

Sittingonabench · 23/03/2022 09:47

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like the affair is a symptom of his feelings - not the cause. You can’t make someone stay in a relationship if they don’t want it - he has to want to fight for it and it sounds like he doesn’t want to right now. It might be that it isn’t the marriage but something else but he needs to work out what is making him unhappy and it might mean you need a break for him to figure it out.

Femalewoman · 23/03/2022 09:49

Don't you value yourself?

He has lied to you, cheated with another woman and yet you scramble around for crumbs and want ways to show him he loves you and he is 'only' infatuated with her. If he loved you he wouldn't lie and cheat. He has shown you who he is.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/03/2022 09:49

I’d let him go. He needs to see what life as a separated man is like.

Claim cms. Instruct a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Set up a contact schedule. Only then will he know what his future will be like.

And you are also working towards your future.

lemongreentea · 23/03/2022 09:51

you've had some good advice on this thread from women who have experienced similar. so sorry you are going through this but just let him go. you WILL be better off in the end without him even if you are can't see that now.

VeryEventual · 23/03/2022 09:59

Please give me advice, preferably from marriage councillors, on how to get him to wake up and realise how good he’s got it at home? I can forgive this indiscretion, but he’s not giving me the chance and says he went out as he’s trapped.

Anyone here got their man to see sense? Please??
So you want advice on how to do the pick me dance and force your husband to stay with you even though he's given you the loudest indicator short of leaving he can. And you think this is worth salvaging after all that and think a counsellor can help you "win". Hmm ok. Definitely see a therapist but to work on yourself not to try and be the winner in this situation.
He kinda is trapped if you are trying to force this... Let him to. He's not "your man" anymore.

AskingforaBaskin · 23/03/2022 10:00

I would be sorting all your business out asap.

People can say he can't run from his responsibility to his children but Yes he can.

You can't stop him from leaving.
So start looking at your finances, work, CV and benefits.
Your heart is broken but unfortunately he won't care. He won't care about you or how you will get through this. You need to dig deep and rely on yourself.

BoodleBug51 · 23/03/2022 10:03

My Mum let my Dad do this to her repeatedly.

She seemed hell bent on being the "victor" each time, and not the OW. Only all she actually "won" was the temporary affection of someone who still had his eyes looking over his shoulder just in case.

You're worth more, seriously.

Bananarama21 · 23/03/2022 10:03

You can't force him to stay if he loved you he wouldn't have cheated..don't lower yourself to begging doing the pick me dance.

50DaysAF · 23/03/2022 10:03

My advice would be two fold.
1.Don’t do the ‘pick me’ dance. It’ll crush you even more when he doesn’t.

Spend your time going forward building up your self worth until you know and believe you can do better then this person (even if that means being alone).

50DaysAF · 23/03/2022 10:04

@Bananarama21 great minds!

Stravaig · 23/03/2022 10:13

Oh, OP. You're fighting to keep hold of a comfy illusion that you and he have a lovely happy marriage. You didn't. You don't. He wasn't happy; he had an affair. He doesn't love you; this is not how you treat someone you love.

Saying 'We could be so happy, IF' is meaningless. IF doesn't exist. IF is a made-up story in your head. Here and now, he feels trapped. Please don't try to hold on to him.

It might be helpful to see a counsellor on your own, to explore some oddities in your ideas about love and relationship.

saleorbouy · 23/03/2022 10:45

If he loved you he wouldn't be shagging the OW and messing with your emotions, feelings and mental health. He doesn't care about you or his family otherwise he wouldn't be putting his own needs above you all.
Go to counselling and talk this through with someone. You sounds like you need to work on your own assertiveness and esteem.
Hope it all works out for the better.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 23/03/2022 10:48

Let him go

BlanketsBanned · 23/03/2022 10:52

If you're desperate to stay with him then just let him go, he will come crawling bqck when he realises that the grass isnt always greener and his gf gets bored and finds someone else who has no baggage.

Bunty55 · 23/03/2022 11:01

@BiscuitChart

So he had an affair. Now he’s saying he feels trapped in our marriage and because I found out about the affair it’s given him an out. I feel like he’s only feeling trapped because being married with kids is a lot less fun than shagging a young woman with no worries in the world.

Please give me advice, preferably from marriage councillors, on how to get him to wake up and realise how good he’s got it at home? I can forgive this indiscretion, but he’s not giving me the chance and says he went out as he’s trapped.

Anyone here got their man to see sense? Please??

So after reading this first post my instant reaction is to say - you are the one who is trapped OP.

EmpressSuiko · 23/03/2022 11:08

Why would you forgive someone who has knowingly hurt and betrayed you? He is clearly very selfish and only thinking if his own needs. If I was in your positions he’d be gone, I could never touch him!

Gilly12345 · 23/03/2022 11:11

Suggest counselling as that is the only way forward.

Hopefully he will agree if not then get yourself a good solicitor and have your best life without him.

💐💐💐

flashpaper · 23/03/2022 11:19

I had these exact thoughts when I found out my exH had been cheating. I literally could have written what you have. Mid life crisis, he's just forgotten that he loves me, it's easier shagging around than responsibility of parenthood, I could forgive him, we can get back on track etc etc. Long story short is that he's still with the OW, but the kids and I are much much happier without him. Those of us who have been through this all deserve better than the idiot who put us through it. Don't take second best, even if he does come back he'll always be resentful and quite possibly do it again anyway. You can be happy without him.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/03/2022 11:26

First things first, book yourself a std health check.

Shoxfordian · 23/03/2022 11:41

Give him his freedom