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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He had an affair. Now says he feels trapped…?

131 replies

BiscuitChart · 22/03/2022 22:01

So he had an affair. Now he’s saying he feels trapped in our marriage and because I found out about the affair it’s given him an out. I feel like he’s only feeling trapped because being married with kids is a lot less fun than shagging a young woman with no worries in the world.

Please give me advice, preferably from marriage councillors, on how to get him to wake up and realise how good he’s got it at home? I can forgive this indiscretion, but he’s not giving me the chance and says he went out as he’s trapped.

Anyone here got their man to see sense? Please??

OP posts:

Norwolf · 23/03/2022 11:49

Let him walk. You cannot make him realise how good he has it at home. He has to go, and maybe he will come back or he won’t.

Time to change gears and focus on you and your kids. Stop thinking of the should have, would have could have’s. Focus.

Norwolf · 23/03/2022 11:51

You sound too forgiving too and happy to just settle. Stop settling and start re-discovering yourself. Where the fuck is your self worth?????

DaisyDeli · 23/03/2022 11:59

OP, he doesn't love you. He stuck his dick in another women. Why on earth would you try and get this lying, cheating bastard to stay?

SantaHat · 23/03/2022 12:08

I’m sorry this is going to feel blunt, but it’s the truth.
You are utterly deluding yourself. He doesn’t love you, otherwise he wouldn’t have cheated on you and he wouldn’t want out of the marriage.
You are worth more than this. You need to find your anger and put yourself first.

2bazookas · 23/03/2022 12:28

Open the door of the cage and let him run free.

When his little legs get tired he'll come slinking back.

Herewegoagain84 · 23/03/2022 12:29

Stop trying - it’s making you seem more desperate. Why would you want to keep him? He’s shown how much he cares, now walk away.

gonnascreamsoon · 23/03/2022 13:20

@BiscuitChart

It matters not one jot whether YOU love him or not !

He has betrayed your trust.
He has betrayed his childrens trust.
He has told you that he feels suffocated by you.
He has told you that he wants the marriage to end.

He is NOT 'delusional', or mentally incapacitated in ANY way !

He HAS CHOSEN this ! Because HE does NOT love you any more.

YOU have to put your DC's needs ABOVE your own desires.

Protect them from having to witness your 'pleading' and 'begging' and your 'rose tinted' idea that he still 'loves' you.

Protect them from having to witness their fathers infidelity and the arguements at home.

Protect them from hearing their father say, repeatedly, that he's unhappy/suffocated/trapped in the one sided 'marriage'.

Protect yourself from the further hurt trying to 'hang on to' someone who doesn't want to be there.

Accept what he's told you. Tell him to leave. And finally allow yourself to 'grieve' for what has been 'lost', so that you can move forwards again.

Villagewaspbyke · 23/03/2022 13:43

I think you have to accept it’s over op. Change is hard but you can’t force someone to stay with you if they don’t want to. Good luck

Wizzbangfizz · 23/03/2022 13:48

If I were you OP I would start being practical. You have found out this man has betrayed you in the worst way possible and when you find out instead of being shocked and appalled that he had hurt you he was pleased because he now had an out!

Start working out childcare costs and what you need to resurrect your career and practicalities like house and etc. even if it doesn't come to that and he begs for forgiveness and you take the swine back at least he will see he is dealing with a formidable woman instead of someone who is begging for the scraps of his love.

Cas112 · 23/03/2022 13:50

He doesn't want to be in your relationship. You need to let him go

cigarettesNalcohol · 23/03/2022 14:02

@BiscuitChart

But I know we can be happy and I love him 😔

He doesn't want to be with you though. He's slept with someone else and says he wants out. He's been clear on that right ? Save your dignity and let him go. You'll thank yourself later on in life. It fucking sucks what you're going through and it won't be easy to go your separate ways but you should be with a man who actually wants to be with you.

Branleuse · 23/03/2022 14:12

You cant make him stay or see sense. If he regrets it later then thats his problem, but its really important you keep your self respect here or he will respect and value you even less. Dont do the pick me dance.
You probably do still love him, in fact in the circumstances, youll probably be frantically idolising him even more, but i think whether you want him to see sense and stay, or if you want to move on, both ways its really vital that you at least put on your self respect face and fake it. Tell him that hes a dickhead and that you wont be waiting around for him. That its not being trapped, its called commitment and hes clearly too immature to realise that and is throwing away everything.
Hes shown you he doesnt value what you have together. How will that improve if you just tolerate every shit behaviour. Your future looks grim if you dont stand up for yourself

Flippanty · 23/03/2022 14:17

It’s hard enough working to forgive an affair if your husband is contrite and regretful and sees the damage he’s caused and is begging for you back. In that scenario it may take years of marriage counselling and both of you putting a lot of work to rebuild trust. Most marriages don’t survive it.

Your scenario where your DH has had an affair and is saying it’s for the best as he wanted an out anyway is utterly impossible to come back from. How can you even look at him? He isn’t the man you married, he isn’t interested in rebuilding the relationship, he isn’t remorseful, he saying he feels trapped in the marriage. Let him go.

Tillow4ever · 23/03/2022 14:54

One thing to consider, and this may have already been said, is that if you convince him to stay and things don't work out, you realise you were a fool to take him back or something, you may no longer be able to use his adultery in a divorce. After a certain amount of time from finding out about it (I want to say 6 months), it's no longer allowed to be used as a reason.

Really think about why you still want to stay married to him. Is it for the fear of leaving and starting afresh, that's the wrong reason. And remember, you cannot force him to stay in a relationship with you, that's not fair. If he's telling you that the marriage is over, listen to him. If he's saying he thinks the marriage is over, ask if he's prepared to go to marriage counselling to see whether or not you can salvage anything.

You deserve better. And I'm someone who believes a relationship an survive an affair (if the one who cheated admits it happened, is clearly sorry and takes steps to make sure they truly fix things). But in this case, it doesn't sound like he's sorry - it sounds like he wants an out.

2DogsOnMySofa · 23/03/2022 15:21

The only way he'll realise he's made a mistake (glug he genuinely has), is if he thinks believes he's lost you.

Drinkingallthewine · 23/03/2022 15:25

You can't miss someone until they are gone.

He will not even start to mourn the loss of you or your marriage if it's there waiting for him if and when he's bored again.

So if you want him to realise how good he had it, you need to pull that rug well and truly from under his feet right now. He needs to believe he's lost you before he'll even think about it, so act the part. Act as if you are well and truly done, instigate an actual separation, sort out child access, divide up the finances and file for divorce. Stop shagging him and maybe even go out on dates. Work on your self esteem. Fake it till you make it.

If in a year, he's genuinely remorseful, has sat in his poky flat for long enough chewing over how royally he's fucked up his life, then you can start entertaining a new relationship with him - if that's what you really want.

But by that stage I, like many here very much hope that you look at him and think differently.

CornishGem1975 · 23/03/2022 15:30

He wants to go, so let him. Why would you want to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be there and has made it clear to you?

Hold your head up high and move on without him.

Nousernameforme · 23/03/2022 16:36

The only way I've seen men come back or try to come back is when the other party has been as neutral as possible.
This means only contact about practicalities, get the dc visiting straight away without you. On the plus side this will give you space to sort legal stuff. Start talking about getting the divorce sorted asap.
If you have an emotional response in his presence blame it on the shock.
Withdraw everything you do from him emotional support acts of service and above all if he comes round all contrite DO NOT FUCK HIM!!
The only way that he might come back is if you can prove you don't need him.

I would personally think he has done you a favour and wouldnt touch him with a 10ft barge pole but that's just me

Knittingchamp · 23/03/2022 17:18

If you want him back make yourself unobtainable. Whatever you do, no pandering. If he thinks you're an option, he won't value you but if he thinks he's messed things up so much he's lost you for good, i.e., you had him move out, you seem as if you're getting on with life on your own, then he might panic, realise what he had, and do anything to win you back.

Either way he's no prince and you deserve way better.

Original poster

BiscuitChart · 23/03/2022 17:38

Thank you ladies. You’re all formidable women and i am learning a lot. I’d really rather this hadn’t happened, but it has. I’m going down the fuck you move out route. With genuine, heartfelt thanks to everyone who has given a damn about this in the last 24 hours. I owe you all a drink xxxxx

OP posts:

DaisyDeli · 23/03/2022 17:42

You have made the right decision OP. This will be tough for you, so stay strong.

As I found out, here is a great place for support and to get things off your chest. Keep posting if you need to.

Allthecheeseplease · 23/03/2022 17:47

Some people cheat to get out of a relationship. They hope to be caught so that they have an out. This may be what he has done? I've been there, I know the shock you are feeling. It will get better

planetme · 23/03/2022 18:06

@BiscuitChart

You're doing the right thing

You've got this

We're all here xxxx

BoodleBug51 · 23/03/2022 18:28

Stay strong OP.

There's a better life round the corner

CinstonWhurchill · 23/03/2022 18:51

"I’d rather stay with him whilst the children are small, we get on really well, I’ve no career as I have it up to have kids".

Op, with kindness i think this is why he feels trapped. The relationship has broken down. He feels trapped, as he knows you are financially dependant on him. You need to now restart your career and your financial independence. You cannot expect him to stay with you, just because you are prepared to stay with him and largely because of your own financial predicament. He has cheated, you need to have boundaries.

If you wanted to leave him but, he could not go as he was not working, you would not find that acceptable.

Op, you need to rebuild your life now independently and free both of you.

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