Holidays can be fun?

[SunnydaleHSAlumna]

I've been with my DH for a long time and I've been questioning our relationship and I've had an experience this weekend which has kind of blown my mind.

I went down to London this weekend with my sister for the night to see a show, something which I've never done before as I've only been away with DH (no DC).

But I feel really almost confused because it was so... easy. It was relaxed and fun and lovely and we got along well and were thoughtful of each other and I wasn't constantly in my head, giving myself a pep talk to get through it. I can't stop thinking about how easy and stress free it was, and how much of a contrast to going away with DH.

I wanted to post because I wanted to know if other people have fun when they go away with their partners? I think I kind of always assumed that holidays or nights away were just always stressful. Was being away with my sister just a completely random fluke of loveliness or is this what life really has the potential to be?

I wouldn't say it is normal, no. Me and DP have loads of fun when we go away, he is my favourite person to spend time with.

What is it about going away with your DP that is stressful? Do you not enjoy spending time with him? Or is it just that he gets anxious about travel?

Oh dear OP. You really are in a mess aren’t you? Holidays should be fun. Holidays with kids are often stressful, but holidays with a partner should be fun.

Holidays are supposed to be fun

Why is your dp so difficult op?

The first time I went away with my dp I actually cut down the number of days as we had not been together long and I thought it could get awkward. Then when we were there, it was great - both wanting to do roughly the same things or happy to accommodate the other; both willing to leave the other for a while and do different things if we wanted; both coming up with ideas about what to do, talking about what we were seeing, and appreciating the trip, and we walked round for ages looking for a restaurant we liked, without it being a massive deal. With exh, that would have been me being difficult by not wanting to go in the first restaurant we found, or choosing the wrong restaurant or ... something. I had no idea a trip could be that stress-free, either.

Holidays should definitely be fun.
Having said that, what types of activities are you doing with DH? Who organises and suggests the trips.
Only asking because DH loves a beach type holiday while I want to do lots of activities. We compromise and go somewhere where he can spend a few days lazing in the sun... and I can go off exploring ok it is usually hiking up some mountain though rough terrain ...
We also do things together like sightseeing. But generally, holidays are a mixture of very different activities. The main point is, we have found our fun & happy when it comes to holidays.

I think I thought I had fun on them… I love to travel and see new places, I really do.

But what I find stressful with DH is… just everything, really. I’m struggling to articulate it. He wants to walk a lot, just walking for the sake of it. My feet will be killing and he still want us to walk more. And I like walking! He’s just extreme. He doesn’t like looking in shops or sunbathing. He uses food or drinks as kind of rewards, even water. He will go in the pool but wants me to be playing games with him else he says he’s bored. He is impatient. He sometimes seems almost embarrassed if I want to sit on a bench or have a rest. I end up looking forward to being home. Everything always is a rush. He hates queuing so we are always the first ones out for dinner. In bed early and up at the crack of dawn. Likes to go back to the room to watch TV for a few hours but it almost always ends up being over sunset which I love and miss. He’s not great at compromising, he wouldn’t do one evening stay out to watch sunset and another back in the room to watch TV like I would.

Nothing really awful. But I have noticed I’ve started to dread holidays, I thought it was me but I’m wondering now if it’s coming from just this sense of dread that makes me not even really want to go anymore.

Depends on who you are with to be honest. I love holidays with DP and DS as we all like similar things, and we enjoy hanging out together and while we have a loose idea of what we want, it's not a rigid plan and we see what we feel like doing on the day.

I am stressed travelling with DM as she's just a fusser and needs a Planned Schedule daily right down to times and locations for eating. Since that's my norm during my work days, I hate that kind of regimented holiday.

I also will not travel again with certain relatives who won't set foot in anywhere serving 'foreign' food and has zero interest in the destination country or it's culture. Those relatives basically want all the same British home comforts but with nicer weather. I'm not some sort of cultural aficionado but think it's nice to find out a bit more about where you are visiting.

So I suppose it begs the question - what do you and your H usually differ on when it comes to trips?

So you always have to dance to his tune?

My DP is fine on holiday if everything goes smoothly - quite laid back in fact - but if we get lost, or there's a delay or a problem with the travel in particular, he gets really angry really quickly and it's very stressful.
He also doesn't like cities at all, so I do city breaks with friends.

Reading that list back a lot is fine, I know other people might like going to dinner early etc and I don’t mind doing so, I think it’s just the overall feeling of everything being very regimented and inflexible. I often end up feeling like I’m at a boot camp. We wanted to go to the town along the coast, it was 3 miles each way and he refused to get the bus, plus walking around the town sightseeing, then we got back to our hotel and he got really annoyed with me because we were swimming laps and I said I was too tired to race him. And we only had an ice cream for lunch because he will never have a proper lunch when we’re away.

It’s just extreme all the time.

I found holidays to be stressful as I was the one who had to plan it, do the packing, make sure car, travel documents were all together.

Then without fail, he'd sulk about something. Getting in a fight as I wanted a snack at the servo and he was complaining about the cost. We were pretty well off.

Travelling with an adult acting like a child isn't pleasant.

In your case, do you ever get to do what you want as it seems his way or the highway.
Does he ever ask or care about your interests or needs?

Of course you’re supposed to have fun on holidays with your spouse. What’s the point of going away then?

It appears that he’s got a different idea of what holidays are for which is fine, but why is he dragging you along? He can go on his walks while you sit in the beach, you don’t have to do everything together.

I’d not stand for someone else dictating me how to spend my free time! You need to be more assertive @SunnydaleHSAlumna

Why does he get to be the boss and tell you what to do? Why can't you say you want to do xxx, are going to do it and he can do what he wants?
Does he get angry when you do your own thing?
You are an adult and should be able to basically do what you want.
Your relationship doesn't sound great.

It sounds like you have very little say in all the day to day decisions, and by definition that is going to be stressful and not enjoyable for you.

My DH dislikes holidays, which makes them a challenge. We have an autistic child, and there are a lot of similarities between him and DH. I bring my own baggage and am essentially lazy. But it's about attitude. We both want the other to have a good time so we adapt as much as we can and try to find things that work for us both.

Last year with COVID we had to book all restaurants, and we found that worked really well for us. We tend to go for shorter holidays. But at the end of the day, it's only going to be fun if you're either very lucky with a companion who wants to do exactly the same as you, or you're going with someone who listens to you and is prepared to compromise to make you happy. Or, you go by yourself, sometimes. I'm not completely joking - your holidays don't have to look like everyone else's.

Sounds like he has a lot of issues.

What would happen if you got on the bus and let him walk - or if you went and got lunch and left him to his ice cream?

I really get this. I didn't enjoy holidaying with my ex at all. I think the main reason is that he never showed any passion for anything. Just very emotionless unless he had something to bitch about, like the traffic, or the state of the hotel room, the food or whatever. I could never tell if he really enjoyed the holiday or not and I always felt like I could be holidaying with anyone, even a stranger, as I didn't feel like we "shared" an experience together when we went. He was the same on date nights, I realized I had more fun with my girlfriends than I did with him.

I believe that there are people you can holiday with, and people you can't. It's sad when one of the people you can't holiday with is your DP.

He clearly likes different things to you when travelling - he wants to walk for hours, be out mostly during the day, be active all the time. You want to chill more, do evening things etc.

If this is the only issue in your relationship, the trick would be to do more holidays separately - totally doable as you have no kids. If it's part of a much bigger issue in your relationship ie where you're always doing things HIS way, then no, it's not normal and you should consider if this relationship is sustainable.

@ravenmum you’ve actually just made me remember something. I actually posted on here once, years ago under a different name. We were on a dream holiday and were coming back from a really lovely day out, we were on the bus. He wanted to get off the bus a stop earlier than our stop, for the extra walk. I said no as we’d been walking all day, I just wanted to get back to the hotel but he could if he liked. He got off and I stayed on, and I waited outside the hotel for him. He came over with a face like thunder and when we got back to the room we had a massive argument, he told me I was fat and lazy and he was having an awful time and he was bored and I had ruined his holiday. It was so upsetting and I went down to the pool and cried and posted on Mumsnet. I was heartbroken and thought we were going to split up and terrified of it. Looking back now I can’t remember where we’d been or what we’d done on that day trip, the main memory I have of that whole holiday was that horrible argument.

He sounds awful. That update is truly awful. Is he like this in your normal life as well? is it always his way? Do you eat what he likes, when he likes, where he likes? Do you plan your days/weekends according to his preferences? Do you find yourself doing activities you don't enjoy because otherwise he'll sulk?

In which case, sadly, you probably know the answer to this one.

He may be on the spectrum.....maybe a call to the gp to get him some support...sounds extremely exhausting

@BlingLoving that’s the thing, I feel like we do like to do the same things, it’s just that if my intensity level was, say, a 5 about the things we like, his is 10. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed it with my sister, we did similar things as I would have if I had gone with DH, but her intensity level matched mine at 5. Maybe that’s where the issue comes from.

Good grief, the man sounds like a selfish bossy nightmare. Basically its his way or nothing at all.

Is he this selfish about everything in your day to day life?

So he always has to have his own way, is horrible and controlling when he doesn’t get it. I wouldn’t stand for this, I am my own person and I want to feel like part of a team in a relationship where I’m respected and my views and wants are as important as his. That should be normal. Why do you think you’ve put up with this?

How is your day to day life with him outside of holidays?

That's awful, OP. He sounds pretty awful. Isn't life too short?