Holidays can be fun?

[SunnydaleHSAlumna]

I've been with my DH for a long time and I've been questioning our relationship and I've had an experience this weekend which has kind of blown my mind.

I went down to London this weekend with my sister for the night to see a show, something which I've never done before as I've only been away with DH (no DC).

But I feel really almost confused because it was so... easy. It was relaxed and fun and lovely and we got along well and were thoughtful of each other and I wasn't constantly in my head, giving myself a pep talk to get through it. I can't stop thinking about how easy and stress free it was, and how much of a contrast to going away with DH.

I wanted to post because I wanted to know if other people have fun when they go away with their partners? I think I kind of always assumed that holidays or nights away were just always stressful. Was being away with my sister just a completely random fluke of loveliness or is this what life really has the potential to be?

Oh God, do you really want to spend another forty or fifty years with him? It'll be miserable and a waste of your life.

That sounds absolutely horrendous. Our holidays, with and without the kids are great fun. Life in general together is quite fun. I think you deserve so so much better than this miserable brat

So sorry for you OP. He sounds awful. I would leave to be honest. You're still young.

It simply doesn't sound as if you're really able to be you and relax. You're not able to live your best life and being away with your sister has proved that.

Autism : why on earth is that always dragged out as an explanation for shit behaviour? This man is controlling, selfish, unkind, uncaring and a twat. That doesn't equal being on the spectrum.

So, you go on HIS holiday ? As in, it's always what he wants to do with no compromise as to what you want to do ?
A big hell no from me, he sounds like a selfish twat.

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

I didn’t leave because my counsellor said not to rush into anything, and we are working through some things so I can get to a point where I’m sure of my decision.

He has never called me fat or lazy before or after, he’s very kind to me about my weight usually as I’m a bit heavier than I’d like to be. I don’t know why that one situation got so out of control and into such a big argument really. But it does put me off standing my ground more, because the thought of it happening again is awful, especially when on holiday because I don’t want it to ruin the whole thing.

That situation got so out of control because you dared stand your ground for once

It worked out very well for him though didn't it?
Ever since that episode you have danced to his rather dull holiday tune.

I tend to go on holiday with my mum, sister, DD and nephew. I like my holidays to be carefree and relaxed.......every single holiday I've ever been on with my H we've had a big argument which just leaves me with negative memories.

You are spending your time in this marriage fitting around him. He knows this. He gets his own way because you can't stand up to him. He is selfish and not husband material. A marriage is about 2 people!
Why bother with councilling? It won't be able to produce a magic wand. He is dreadful and he can't see it.

Nothing really awful
The whole description sounded awful.

Holidays with exDH were always stressful but with new DP they are fun! One reason why DH is ex...

He has major issues. I doubt they will ever be solved, even if he agreed thry needed solved (which i doubt he ever will either).

Funny you should have mentioned the words boot camp because that's what came to my mind; its like you're in boot camp, it's like he puts himself in the role of drill instructor or PT instructor (the army meaning of PT not the civvle version).

From your examples, he's bat shit crazy.
And the bus "argument", not an argument actually, was pure abuse.

I'm absolutely amazed you've put ul with this so far, he's picked his victim well, that's for sure.

Don you know who else is going to become a victim of this if you stay with him and have kids; innocent children who didn't ask for this and whom don't have the ability to leave like you do.

I know of a man s bit like this took his wife decades (with one daughter in the picture) to leave him .... he's now dead due to his mh issues, wife has moved on into another marriage, the health of which has yer to be seen, daughter I psychologically and emotionally damaged, probably for life.

Noone who is well.adjusted behaves in the way you have described you need to get the fk out ASAP.

And AFAIK your counsellor is shit.

@user1471519931

Do you want children (with this man)? If so it will be tough going if he can't compromise and you will have to mitigate his stroppiness towards the kids (but they will be aware of it)

Much worse than that, the kids will have to meet his (ridiculous, unrealistic, extreme) standards or they'll be abused too.

Bringing kids into the world with a man like this is essentially child abuse.

You know what he's like, you have no excuse.

This leaped out at me. 'He uses uses food and drinks as kind of rewards, even water'. WTF? He restricts your access to water? That's physical abuse.

Then there's masses of psychological abuse.
He's appalling. He is abusing you. Leave him and get a better councillor.

Yes holidays should be fun and relaxing and a mix of what BOTH partners want to do.
He sounds really controlling OP. Sounds like you notice it less in everyday life because you don't spend much time together, but holidays show you that you don't get a say in plans, and if you DO choose to do something separate or different from him he chucks an enormous tantrum (WHAT THE FUCK about him wanting you to race him and play with him in the pool - is he an 8 year old??).
Definitely discuss the things you've said here in your counselling!
Your counsellor is trying to do the right thing by advising you not to rush into a decision, but you should tell her (him) you want to set the pace. You are the expert on your own life, your counsellor is just the facilitator.

I have so much fun with my DH when we go away. We crack each other up constantly, play games, do nice activities together, or just sit in silence and read. It's very easy and relaxing.

It’s not just the holidays, OP, he’s just abusive full stop.
Yes, life can be really really good without abuse

It sounds horrible tbh.

You are young. Why do you think you'd be miserable single?

I feel miserable in my marriage but I felt like if we split up I would be swapping one set miserable for another
We can see that you feel miserable, and it's pretty clear why; most people would be miserable spending a day with someone who treated them like that, let alone years.
What is harder to understand is why you would be miserable if you split up. Are you scared of spending time alone? You must have been alone before?

Your husband is selfish. Simple as that. He's also controlling and a bully. Holidays should be enjoyable and not stressful. He sounds vile.

I like going away with dp for some things but not others. I like going on relaxing trips with him, but i hate going to concerts or shows or gigs with him as he can get stressed with the crowds and he just doesnt get into it. It nearly ruins it imo so i stopped doing it.
Some things i would choose to go with my mum or a friend to or even one of the kids. Some of dps interests i dont share so he goes without me and takes one of the kids or goes with a friend.
If you have now realised that his idea of a holiday is walking and activity filled, could he do that with someone else and you do more with your sister? My mum often goes on breaks with her sister

[quote SunnydaleHSAlumna]@BlingLoving that’s the thing, I feel like we do like to do the same things, it’s just that if my intensity level was, say, a 5 about the things we like, his is 10. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed it with my sister, we did similar things as I would have if I had gone with DH, but her intensity level matched mine at 5. Maybe that’s where the issue comes from.[/quote]
My DP can be 200mph, very intense on trips away. It's like we're doing this, rather than what shall we do together. She's hyper conscientious, everything has to be orderly and planned. Whilst drunk she did have a go at me whilst away on a trip. Calling me boring, no fun blah, blah.

I have to admit our last two trips away have been a disaster. A waste of money from my point of view. We've had literally dozens of nights away, drinks theaters, etc.
We've both worked in hospitality so were both quite confident and open, chatty, however, I've slowed down as I've aged. So it's become apparent in my head that we may want a different experience on nights out for instance.
We've got our first holiday abroad coming up, we've just been discussing these differences this morning. I'm more laid back chill, mañana, stroll here, rest here, oh let's just nip in this nice bar, restaurant. She'll be like boing, boing, boing, do this, do that.
I'm already tired just thinking about it. I don't want to feel pressured or even insulted into doing what she wants to do.
I think some people can be controlling, even with the best will in the world, constantly setting an agenda for the relationship can leave the other feeling suffocated.

On the other hand, she has a holiday for a week to see her family back home and some girlie trips out, so she can let loose and bounce around, boss her friends about.

I'll be happy to have relief for a few weeks.

It’s been a while but holidays just us two we’re always lovely but he’s very laid back and happy to go with the flow. When it’s strained between us that’s usually because we’re trying to sort the kids etc, it’s rarely the case when it’s just us. Your husband sounds like a piece of bloody work.

Your husband sounds demanding and selfish OP. You don't have to put up with it. Imagine a life without him and see how the prospect of simply being able to stay on the bus if you want to makes you feel.

Your husband sounds abusive to me.
That's why he's horrible to be around.
Thankfully you don't have children - he would be an abusive father no doubt.

I wonder why you stay with him?
Have you thought about therapy?
You should be making plans to leave this relationship, and it's odd you're not thinking the relationship is awful and you are treated like shit.

My exh and I weren't suited, and although we travelled to some amazing places I knew I would have enjoyed them more with my friends or family or most of my ex-bfs.
You only get one life. Maybe it's time to be brave and face the reality that you are in an abusive marriage and you should get away?

I don’t know if this is about his personal intensity so much as a controlling nature. Competitive laps around the pool followed by food and drink only as a treat or pushing you to walk extra miles is really bizarre - I don’t like the sound of it at all. Have you changed a lot since you met him? It’s sometimes hard to track but maybe you’ve given in on some things and are becoming more malleable? What I’m getting at is, it’s not going to get better. It’s likely to get worse.