Holidays can be fun?

[SunnydaleHSAlumna]

I've been with my DH for a long time and I've been questioning our relationship and I've had an experience this weekend which has kind of blown my mind.

I went down to London this weekend with my sister for the night to see a show, something which I've never done before as I've only been away with DH (no DC).

But I feel really almost confused because it was so... easy. It was relaxed and fun and lovely and we got along well and were thoughtful of each other and I wasn't constantly in my head, giving myself a pep talk to get through it. I can't stop thinking about how easy and stress free it was, and how much of a contrast to going away with DH.

I wanted to post because I wanted to know if other people have fun when they go away with their partners? I think I kind of always assumed that holidays or nights away were just always stressful. Was being away with my sister just a completely random fluke of loveliness or is this what life really has the potential to be?

I agree to a point, holidays can be very challenging, we all have different ideas about what makes a great holiday - it could be sunbathing, sight seeing, hiking, great big fancy restaurant meals, informal picnics, lots of cocktails, meeting new people, not meeting new people, early nights, late nights etc etc.

I have been married over 35 years and we have learned to compromise .. my DH loves active holidays - skiing, cycling, golf etc... I much prefer lying by a pool and reading . He isn't very sociable, I love chatting and meeting new people. So we try to choose something that suits us both but we also holiday separately. The first time I went for a beach holiday with a girlfriend (I was in my 50s!) I really did have the most wonderful time .

You’re young, you’re free. Life should be fun…and it doesn’t sound like it is with this man. I’d have a serious think about what you want out of life and whether you’ll get it with him.

Why on earth would you consider staying married to this Sargent Major? He sounds fucking awful, miserable, angry, massively controlling and a complete wanker. Wouldn't you like to have control over your on life and make your own decisions?

Why did you marry him, was it his idea or yours? Was he like this before you married?

@Madre123

He may be on the spectrum.....maybe a call to the gp to get him some support...sounds extremely exhausting

The twat spectrum, maybe.

I think the problem with this relationship is that you have lost your agency, your autonomy over your own life.

The trouble with holidays is you are stepping out from your normal routine. So your coping mechanisms are no longer there. What happens is the cracks are highlighted. I read somewhere that holidays are a real test as so many decisions need to be made every day. Even little ones like having an ice-cream or a cup of coffee.

Yes I agree with other posters he sounds abusive. The restricting of food/drink is particularly cruel.

What you need to realise is that he has groomed you to not object so that he doesn't need to do much to keep you in your box. When you defied him, he had to up the ante to get you to comply and back down. That's why it was a one off. It worked.

However I see so many unhealthy co-dependant relationships around. Where one person puts up with so much because they don't feel they would be able to cope on their own.

I think that's the real work you need to do with your therapist. To regain a sense of 'you', that you can live well without him. When you have this belief, you won't be clinging onto this one sided dynamic where your needs are being pushed down again and again.

What is interesting is your trip away with your sister. It sounds like it was a light bulb moment. Just think so much more of your life could be like this?

@Whatdirection it definitely was a lightbulb moment.

It’s interesting you say that I need to build myself back up, because that’s the route my counsellor is saying we need to take too. I have had low self esteem and self confidence in the past, he hasn’t changed he was like this before I married him but I didn’t think I deserved any better, I thought I was lucky to have anyone at all, it’s because I’m changing now over the past few months or so, having a few lightbulb moments that are almost lighting up a different path that I never imagined I could have before. That sounds a bit cheesy I know, but it’s how it makes sense to me.

Things do still take me by surprise though, like this weekend with my sister. I couldn’t believe that someone would genuinely consider me and my needs and that it also wasn’t a huge deal for them to do so.

I love a day out or a weekend away with DP. I felt the same about holidays with ex-H when things were good (roughly 10 years of good). We’d plan something lovely - normally UK, self catering because that’s what we enjoy. We’d buy nice food , maybe wine, arrive and explore our bolt hole for the weekend. We’d cook, laugh, walk, read, snooze… just slow and easy. Oh god I want to go on holiday now!!!!!

Do you enjoy weekends with your husband?

The thing is you have probably never had a real chance to develop as a fully rounded person in your own right.

As women we are conditioned to put others before us. We are not encouraged to explore our own wants and needs.

I have been in counselling for over a year now since my marriage broke down. One of the key areas where I have had to work at is developing a sense of 'me'. I am making progress, it is hard work but worth it.

One thing that has been a revelation to me, is that I have become much more extraverted. With my STBXH, we had quite an introverted lifestyle and I believed that was a reflection of me. But I now realise it was more a reflection of him and I was simply fitting in with him 'for the sake of the marriage'. I believed that being married required compromise so my needs were squashed.

I would recommend reading 'Out of the FOG' by Dana Morningstar. It has become my bible and has made me realise how unhealthy my thought patterns were.

I couldn’t believe that someone would genuinely consider me and my needs and that it also wasn’t a huge deal for them to do so
I wasn't quite as disbelieving as you, OP, but I'd never experienced it personally in a partner until I divorced my exh. It's as lovely as you think it is :)

As women we are conditioned to put others before us. We are not encouraged to explore our own wants and needs.

When I realised this, and worked on giving myself some priority in my life instead of always being the last in the queue, I really came into my own. And it was in the aftermath of a controlling partner so while I was very scared to go it alone, I persevered and it turned out to be the best thing I ever did for every area of my life.

It's helped me be more assertive and less stressed at work, to advocate for myself in my next relationship, it's helped with family issues, friendships, even the ability to discuss a faulty product in a shop, it's helped me build my confidence as a mother. Honestly there's not one bit of my life that didn't improve for me when I learned to do the opposite of what we are conditioned to do as women.

OP, you seem to get zero say in your marriage or life. And because you are busy most of the time at home, you don't really see it for what it is until you are stuck together for 2 weeks on holiday. I think it's great that you have a counsellor and that you'll explore it with her.

I was erring on the side of "you're not really compatible" and then you posted your update and it transpires that he is in fact, a cunt. Both historically and currently.

I've been where you are, and I can honestly say that the best thing you can do is step away from this man and make a life for yourself where you have fun, and don't give yourself pep talks to get through weekends away. That weekend with your sister? That's how they're supposed to be.

Wow.

No, there is nothing wrong with you OP. You're problem is that your dh is an abusive, nasty arsehole. He also sounds like he has huge issues with needing everything regimented and HIS way. He also sounds hugely anal-retentive. Like some kind of army sergeant.

I would've been getting my ducks in a row to leave the minute he'd called me "fat and lazy" for not dancing to his tune on holiday.

Often when you are in an abusive relationship you struggle to see it until you start to open up a dialogue with others and people say "no actually that's not normal".

There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s a lot wrong with him. You’ve been given a glimpse of life on the other side and it’s much, much better.

It’s normal to consider each other’s needs op; it’s how any relationship should operate

We were on a dream holiday and were coming back from a really lovely day out, we were on the bus. He wanted to get off the bus a stop earlier than our stop, for the extra walk. I said no as we’d been walking all day, I just wanted to get back to the hotel but he could if he liked.

I am certain I remember that thread. What advice were you given?

My ex was a horrible person to vacation with too. It was mostly due to him being cheap and never wanting to do anything that required spending money. We were always on a budget, that it true, but I thought that we should relax a little while on a vacation. He would not do anything that required paying entrance fee, not go for food or even ice cream. Even when we started camping, which saved us tons of money for accommodation, he would still refuse to go for dinner or even street food. This drove me nuts and definitely spoiled my mood every time. He would also want us to get up early in the morning and go to bed earlier at night. As in regular life, he would want to control what we did, never compromise or give in. If I would force something he would sulk. Also, he had this bad habit of creating issues during holidays. Once we were vacationing with my sister and parents and he started a fight. Have no idea what it was about. I was also five months pregnant (which never stopped him), so I ended up storming out of the room and walking away. I really wanted to go away but realized that I did not have anything with me and also did not want my family to know we were fighting, so I sucked it up and went back. How did I ever recover from this I have no idea? It was worse when we would go with another family as he would always pull the reins in different direction, not considering what the other family and the rest of us wanted. I was always in between to soften the blows. I hated it.

@Madre123

He may be on the spectrum.....maybe a call to the gp to get him some support...sounds extremely exhausting

OP: Doctor please help, my husband's very rigid, won't compromise, gives no thought to my happiness and well-being, insists I do what he tells me and shouts and insults me if I don't. GP: There's no cure for being a cunt.

OP, this is no life. Get yourself free of this joyless existence.

What led up to you seeking counselling for yourself? What is his opinion of it?

A lot of what you said really resonates with me @movingon2022, about pulling the reigns in a different direction. I don’t see family with him, or friends, because he will (seemingly to me) purposely want to do the opposite or start arguments etc

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I was suffering really badly with anxiety and feeling really low and he was supportive of me going for it. It’s helped me a lot with my anxiety to be fair and we’ve talked a lot about my marriage, although I haven’t really told DH about that side of it

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

I think I thought I had fun on them… I love to travel and see new places, I really do.

But what I find stressful with DH is… just everything, really. I’m struggling to articulate it. He wants to walk a lot, just walking for the sake of it. My feet will be killing and he still want us to walk more. And I like walking! He’s just extreme. He doesn’t like looking in shops or sunbathing. He uses food or drinks as kind of rewards, even water. He will go in the pool but wants me to be playing games with him else he says he’s bored. He is impatient. He sometimes seems almost embarrassed if I want to sit on a bench or have a rest. I end up looking forward to being home. Everything always is a rush. He hates queuing so we are always the first ones out for dinner. In bed early and up at the crack of dawn. Likes to go back to the room to watch TV for a few hours but it almost always ends up being over sunset which I love and miss. He’s not great at compromising, he wouldn’t do one evening stay out to watch sunset and another back in the room to watch TV like I would.

Nothing really awful. But I have noticed I’ve started to dread holidays, I thought it was me but I’m wondering now if it’s coming from just this sense of dread that makes me not even really want to go anymore.

That sounds really cringe and exhausting. How do yo manage to have a normal day to day relationship with someone like this?

That sounds really difficult for you OP - it seems like you've seen the light by going away with your sister instead of DH. So what's normal? Well treading eggshells, no compromise on what you do, no fun, no laughter is not normal. Holidays with kids can be stressful, but with your DH it should be relaxed and not stressful. Tbh he seems a bit abusive, calling you fat and lazy.

DH and I have been together 25+ years, he does like walking more than me (as I see your DH does) but he's more than willing that we do some walking together and then he might go back out on his own for example (but no temper tantrum afterwards!) I love going away with him - he is my life partner so we're very relaxed together. Honestly I feel you should re-assess what you get out the relationship. I'd find it easier to be on my own than with someone who is abusive and who I have to tread so carefully around.

Our holidays are very much like our weekends. We compromise, discuss and generally have a chilled out time. Unless we can’t decide what to do!! Then we feel like the day has been wasted. But we’re both on the same page about it!

We’re both really active, so I think that helps. I think you need to go away with someone who, like you say, has the same intensity level as you. If dh was a holiday lounge arounder (which is fine By the way), we would not be compatible holidays buddies… but then we would prob not be compatible all together

Wow op glad you are having lightbulb moment! Apart from the controlling aspect does he suffer disordered eating? Over exercising and only ice cream for lunch sounds odd, never mind skipping every sunset for tv in the room. Fantastic you are getting supportive counselling and hopefully it will continue to address your low self esteem.

I was suffering really badly with anxiety

Op, given you've been being what I don't think is hyperbole to describe as mental torture for (?) years it's hardly surprising you're suffering from anxiety.

And of course, in his absolute belief that he's right & normal, he's encouraging you to seek counselling for "your" issues. The irony is phenomenal.

You're both delusional about why you are suffering from anxiety.

He thinks he's normal, OK etc and you've been conditioned brainvwashed and trained to think it's normal. However ots basically causing you a great deal of stress (and perhaps underneath you know it's not) and it's leaking out.

As I've said above, I know of a man who had not dissimilar behaviour to your h; he was mentally ill, he did not change, when his partner finally left him after decades of this type of abuse of her and their daughter, (who used to pitifully beg my sister to not go home when she had play dates with her daughter at her house) and he no longer had his conventional structure of partner etc around him, and most importantly no longer had control of the significant others in his life (which is the key with this personality) .... the fact that he was in fact mentally ill, became more and more patently obvious.

He could never change, and I did your h is any different. Your h would have to go for extensive, in depth ongoing counselling (with complete honesty and acceptance that his attitudes and behaviour are wrong) and evennthen, I'd have major doubts he'll change and stay changed.

I'll repeat what I said above; having kids with a man like this is tantamount to child abuse. If you'd like a family, you need to get out and try to meet another partner.

For your own sake you need to get out.
He thinks he's right, he's not going to change.

*I doubt your h is any different

Also Lundy Bancrofts book (Why does he do that ...) available to read free online, is an excellent book.

It's primarily about physical abusers, but covers mental and emotional abuse as well.

The "myths about abuse" and "abuser profiles" parts are the most important bits.

Your h is abusive, whether he remotely intends to be or not. Whether he believes he is or not.